If there is a SAH spouse, are finances truly equal?

[Anonymous]

OP, what was your highest annual compensation before becoming a SAHM? What kind of income would you bring in if you go back to work? That might influence whether you’d feel any differently if you return to the workforce.

My spouse and I are both high earners. I’ve supported my parents in many ways, sometimes hundreds of thousands in a year. This was for medical s as bd caregiver expenses, and some time sensitive matters easier for us to just pay for. I would never, ever, think to buy luxury goods for my parents. Most important, we have kids, and my parents (now just my dad) would be appalled if we spent money on luxury-level goods rather than directing it toward future generations. Really, why would supporting your parents include a luxury car then they are unable to provide even the basics like housing for themselves. Honestly, it sounds a bit more that you want to play the role of the luxury benefactor for your parents than a family member looking out for their needs. Have your parents asked for a more expensive car, or indicated they want one? Are you thinking through that many of their possible future expenses will be much higher, and much more practically useful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50K+ car screams emotional insecurity in all of you.

Such a waste of humanity's effort and nature's energy to indulge people like this.

This is a dumb post. You have no concept of how much cars cost and likely haven't bought one in ages. My minivan costs nearly $50K. It is not a flashy car but it is one that is now on backorder at all dealerships.

Getting a good car will cost at least $40-$50K.

Yeah any car that is advertised at say, 32k base model, by the time you add in some upgrades features amd higher trims, taxes, fees, you are really looking at 40-50

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50K+ car screams emotional insecurity in all of you.

Such a waste of humanity's effort and nature's energy to indulge people like this.

This is a dumb post. You have no concept of how much cars cost and likely haven't bought one in ages. My minivan costs nearly $50K. It is not a flashy car but it is one that is now on backorder at all dealerships.

Getting a good car will cost at least $40-$50K.

Give us an example of a “good car” that an elderly couple needs vs a $30k so-called bad car. And remember, OP doesn’t want $40k car. She wants a $60k car! How will that significantly change her parents’ lives vs a $30k car.

[Anonymous]

If he makes that kind of money, it would be nice if you both set up an account for you with funds you can do what you want with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50K+ car screams emotional insecurity in all of you.

Such a waste of humanity's effort and nature's energy to indulge people like this.

This is a dumb post. You have no concept of how much cars cost and likely haven't bought one in ages. My minivan costs nearly $50K. It is not a flashy car but it is one that is now on backorder at all dealerships.

Getting a good car will cost at least $40-$50K.

Give us an example of a “good car” that an elderly couple needs vs a $30k so-called bad car. And remember, OP doesn’t want $40k car. She wants a $60k car! How will that significantly change her parents’ lives vs a $30k car.

OP's DH makes $3M a year. There is no reason not to buy her parents a $50K car. Plus, buying seniors cheap cars is a bad idea. I just helped my 70+ year old mother buy a Subaru. She needs the safety and added features. It was $40+.

They can afford it. There is no reason to cheap out on her parents vehicle. Be a better kid.

[Anonymous]

Then go back to work. I think in general men with SAHM do see it as familial money, but I also think they think they should have the last word on spending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50K+ car screams emotional insecurity in all of you.

Such a waste of humanity's effort and nature's energy to indulge people like this.

This is a dumb post. You have no concept of how much cars cost and likely haven't bought one in ages. My minivan costs nearly $50K. It is not a flashy car but it is one that is now on backorder at all dealerships.

Getting a good car will cost at least $40-$50K.

Give us an example of a “good car” that an elderly couple needs vs a $30k so-called bad car. And remember, OP doesn’t want $40k car. She wants a $60k car! How will that significantly change her parents’ lives vs a $30k car.

OP's DH makes $3M a year. There is no reason not to buy her parents a $50K car. Plus, buying seniors cheap cars is a bad idea. I just helped my 70+ year old mother buy a Subaru. She needs the safety and added features. It was $40+.

They can afford it. There is no reason to cheap out on her parents vehicle. Be a better kid.

You can get a 2022 Subaru Impreza Premium, with all the bells and whistles, and only 6k miles for $26,998 at a local Carmax. How would that not serve her parents well? She is just trying to show off to her family (probably siblings and others) at the expense of her DH’s common sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is a high earner and I’m a SAHM. Our accounts are mostly all joint. He has his own work retirement fund but we have a joint checking, joint checking, names on our homes, etc. I can spend as I please on myself and our three children.

My parents are in poor health and have depleted their savings on medical and now living in a house Dh and I own. They live on social security and we pay for all their extras. DH is fine with this. It has been like this for several years. I gave my parents my old car about a decade ago. It is dying and I wanted to get my parents a new car. DH is fine getting them a cheaper car ($20:30k) but does not seem to want to get them a car to replace my old car.

DH earns a seven figure income and just got a significant bump in pay. He will likely be pushing $3m in earning this year.

I know my parents would be fine and happy with anything. I am just annoyed that our money does not seem like our money at all. It is only our money when it comes to retirement savings or college savings or investing in our future. We live a very good lifestyle. We have 4 cars that all cost over $100k. I am not even into cars and Dh got me a new car this year that cost $110k. He has a luxury SUV with all the bells and whistles and also a flashy sports car. If I said I wanted a $200k car for myself, Dh would probably get it for me.

Am I being unreasonable to want to buy my parents a new car priced $50-60k?

I have been saying I want to go back to work. This seems the perfect reason to go back to work. Our money is not really our money after all.

Yes, you are. Why do they need an expensive car when one that cost $20-$30K would serve them equally well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50K+ car screams emotional insecurity in all of you.

Such a waste of humanity's effort and nature's energy to indulge people like this.

This is a dumb post. You have no concept of how much cars cost and likely haven't bought one in ages. My minivan costs nearly $50K. It is not a flashy car but it is one that is now on backorder at all dealerships.

Getting a good car will cost at least $40-$50K.

Yeah any car that is advertised at say, 32k base model, by the time you add in some upgrades features amd higher trims, taxes, fees, you are really looking at 40-50

We just bought a Hyundai Tucson and spent $35K.

Cars do not have to be expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the answer: DH is just being reasonable about buying your parents a car. You, as a couple, are being very generous in providing your parents with housing as well as additional financial support for extras. Now you're going to buy them a car. That's awesome. $30k is totally reasonable and generous, and you yourself state they'd be happy with that. So buy them that, and feel tremendously lucky that a) you do so well financially and b) you and DH are on the same page about helping your parents.

I'd be irritated that my DH is irritated about me treating friends, but I wouldn't take it personally I guess, since he is the same way with his own family. It just sounds like that's the way he thinks about money.

It also sounds like you'd have more confidence and feel more powerful if you earned income too. I think it's a question of whether that's important enough to you to give up the SAH lifestyle. For me, it would not be, I don't think.

+1 OP your DH is very generous to cover all of his in laws' expenses the way he does. Your parents seem to get that, and are grateful for the assist but you want to flex and send your parents around town in a luxury vehicle just so that . . . why? Why do you think they should get a $50k car? What would that mean about you or your relationship that a $30k car does not? Is it a test to prove that you can spend as you please, regardless of reason or value? Is it posturing so your parents realize *just* how rich you guys are? What's the end game?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is a high earner and I’m a SAHM. Our accounts are mostly all joint. He has his own work retirement fund but we have a joint checking, joint checking, names on our homes, etc. I can spend as I please on myself and our three children.

My parents are in poor health and have depleted their savings on medical and now living in a house Dh and I own. They live on social security and we pay for all their extras. DH is fine with this. It has been like this for several years. I gave my parents my old car about a decade ago. It is dying and I wanted to get my parents a new car. DH is fine getting them a cheaper car ($20:30k) but does not seem to want to get them a car to replace my old car.

DH earns a seven figure income and just got a significant bump in pay. He will likely be pushing $3m in earning this year.

I know my parents would be fine and happy with anything. I am just annoyed that our money does not seem like our money at all. It is only our money when it comes to retirement savings or college savings or investing in our future. We live a very good lifestyle. We have 4 cars that all cost over $100k. I am not even into cars and Dh got me a new car this year that cost $110k. He has a luxury SUV with all the bells and whistles and also a flashy sports car. If I said I wanted a $200k car for myself, Dh would probably get it for me.

Am I being unreasonable to want to buy my parents a new car priced $50-60k?

I have been saying I want to go back to work. This seems the perfect reason to go back to work. Our money is not really our money after all.

I think you probably have a lot less leverage than you think for this type of nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"If I said I wanted a $200k car for myself, DH would probably get it for me."

If that is the way both of you think (he "gets [things]" for you), then indeed, I think you're correct that as a couple, you're thinking about the income earner as the primary decision maker regarding finances/big purchases.

No, you're not being unreasonable to want to buy your parents a new car for $60k. It's very generous of you, and generous of DH to be fine with paying for all of their extras and being open to purchasing them a car costing $30k.

I think it's normal for a couple to hash out providing significant financial support for extended family, though. It doesn't sound like you and DH have serious problems. But if going back to work is appealing to you and you feel it would give you more power and more autonomy, then go for it.

Thank you for the non snarky response. I actually really appreciate it.

We are big savers and on the same page regarding spending. We save/invest more than half our income. Dh often jokes he earns all the money and I spend it. I get to spend it on myself but not on others.

DH and I come from humble beginnings. I am actually surprised how little both DH and his siblings help out his parents. My parents are a decade older and in significantly worse health dealing with cancer, dementia, Parkinson’s, orthopedic issues, surgeries, etc.

DH is also not very generous with friends either. Everyone just pays their own way. I have some girlfriends who are single moms or struggling financially and I know DH doesn’t love it when I treat them. I have mixed feelings about this.

Hard to know if this is culture, family bringing, or just his personality but if you're not similarly minded that can be hard. I also saw your post about it feeling worse because DH is a car person - I can see that. You want to feel like he values your parents and loves them because he loves you.

I grew up with very generous people. Maybe it is because I am female but I was paid for all the time. My parents were immigrants and our extended family is generous to one another. The richer ones always help out the poorer ones.

DH didn’t have as many or any very generous people in his life. He is just used to paying for himself. I feel confident that he feels I and our kids are an extension of himself as his family but he does not view my parents the same way.

Your parents are not his immediate family, and your background of being paid for all the time is getting in your way. It's reasonable for your DH NOT to see your parents as an extension of himself, because they are not.

You need to temper your expectations. They are not reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50K+ car screams emotional insecurity in all of you.

Such a waste of humanity's effort and nature's energy to indulge people like this.

This is a dumb post. You have no concept of how much cars cost and likely haven't bought one in ages. My minivan costs nearly $50K. It is not a flashy car but it is one that is now on backorder at all dealerships.

Getting a good car will cost at least $40-$50K.

Give us an example of a “good car” that an elderly couple needs vs a $30k so-called bad car. And remember, OP doesn’t want $40k car. She wants a $60k car! How will that significantly change her parents’ lives vs a $30k car.

OP's DH makes $3M a year. There is no reason not to buy her parents a $50K car. Plus, buying seniors cheap cars is a bad idea. I just helped my 70+ year old mother buy a Subaru. She needs the safety and added features. It was $40+.

They can afford it. There is no reason to cheap out on her parents vehicle. Be a better kid.

You can get a 2022 Subaru Impreza Premium, with all the bells and whistles, and only 6k miles for $26,998 at a local Carmax. How would that not serve her parents well? She is just trying to show off to her family (probably siblings and others) at the expense of her DH’s common sense.

I don't buy used cars so am not shopping at Carmax. Nor would I buy my parents a used car. We got a brand new car for my mother to ensure her safety. OP can definitely spend more on HER PARENTS.
Their household income is $3,000,000. Did you read all those zeros? Why are the PPs on this board insisting that OP live like a family making $300K or $150K? It's just ridiculous. TBH, I think most of the PPs are jealous. OP, you have cash. Live well. Buy your parents nice gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50K+ car screams emotional insecurity in all of you.

Such a waste of humanity's effort and nature's energy to indulge people like this.

This is a dumb post. You have no concept of how much cars cost and likely haven't bought one in ages. My minivan costs nearly $50K. It is not a flashy car but it is one that is now on backorder at all dealerships.

Getting a good car will cost at least $40-$50K.

Give us an example of a “good car” that an elderly couple needs vs a $30k so-called bad car. And remember, OP doesn’t want $40k car. She wants a $60k car! How will that significantly change her parents’ lives vs a $30k car.

OP's DH makes $3M a year. There is no reason not to buy her parents a $50K car. Plus, buying seniors cheap cars is a bad idea. I just helped my 70+ year old mother buy a Subaru. She needs the safety and added features. It was $40+.

They can afford it. There is no reason to cheap out on her parents vehicle. Be a better kid.

You can get a 2022 Subaru Impreza Premium, with all the bells and whistles, and only 6k miles for $26,998 at a local Carmax. How would that not serve her parents well? She is just trying to show off to her family (probably siblings and others) at the expense of her DH’s common sense.

I don't buy used cars so am not shopping at Carmax. Nor would I buy my parents a used car. We got a brand new car for my mother to ensure her safety. OP can definitely spend more on HER PARENTS.
Their household income is $3,000,000. Did you read all those zeros? Why are the PPs on this board insisting that OP live like a family making $300K or $150K? It's just ridiculous. TBH, I think most of the PPs are jealous. OP, you have cash. Live well. Buy your parents nice gifts.

A car with only 6k miles on it is a lot less used than the one you’re currently driving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post is why while men with good careers don't mind having a SAHM wife, they should be leery about marrying someone from a financially unstable background because they will be supporting her entire family.

This is true.