If there is a SAH spouse, are finances truly equal?

[Anonymous]

"I know he will probably let me get my parents the car I want."

Sorry, but holy crap, you're an adult? Or are you like ten? My mother worked fulltime as a doctor her whole career. Maybe I'm jaded consequently, but you sound so limited and narrow and shallow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG. Stop it. He sounds like a great guy. He brings in 7 figures and you can basically do what you want. Just stop being such an effing princess. It's not unreasonable to think your parents would be just fine in a new $30k vehicle.

IMO that's a super sexist response (I'm not OP). They're a family. She holds down the fort at home, presumably, and cares for the kids, and maybe the parents are highly involved too. Why shouldn't she be able to advocate for a $60k vehicle? Would you feel differently if DH wanted to buy HIS parents a similar car, since he's the one bringing home $3 mil?

Not at all. And not meant to be sexist, either. It's not about whether he has control of all the money. It's really about the fact that she truly believes that her parents, who are being fully supported by her family, need a more expensive vehicle. They don't. Her husband is not being a jerk over the money. He is questioning why her parents can't get by on a typical car that 80% of Americans drive.

Should also add that I am also a SAHM. We discuss all expenditures for our family, before making decisions. We tend to go with the most reasonable decision (sure, we could afford $1000/night lodging on vacation but why would we pay that when $500/night would do the trick?). I would also feel a man was acting in a spoiled manner if it was the female partner making the 7 figures and asking why his parents couldn't drive a gifted $30k car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG. Stop it. He sounds like a great guy. He brings in 7 figures and you can basically do what you want. Just stop being such an effing princess. It's not unreasonable to think your parents would be just fine in a new $30k vehicle.

IMO that's a super sexist response (I'm not OP). They're a family. She holds down the fort at home, presumably, and cares for the kids, and maybe the parents are highly involved too. Why shouldn't she be able to advocate for a $60k vehicle? Would you feel differently if DH wanted to buy HIS parents a similar car, since he's the one bringing home $3 mil?

Not at all. And not meant to be sexist, either. It's not about whether he has control of all the money. It's really about the fact that she truly believes that her parents, who are being fully supported by her family, need a more expensive vehicle. They don't. Her husband is not being a jerk over the money. He is questioning why her parents can't get by on a typical car that 80% of Americans drive.

Should also add that I am also a SAHM. We discuss all expenditures for our family, before making decisions. We tend to go with the most reasonable decision (sure, we could afford $1000/night lodging on vacation but why would we pay that when $500/night would do the trick?). I would also feel a man was acting in a spoiled manner if it was the female partner making the 7 figures and asking why his parents couldn't drive a gifted $30k car.

+2.

My issue here is not that OP is asking permission or being "a princess." I was a SAHM and now i'm the breadwinner. OP and her husband are supporting her parents entirely. A $30,000 car, brand new, is FINE.

[Anonymous]

Here's the answer: DH is just being reasonable about buying your parents a car. You, as a couple, are being very generous in providing your parents with housing as well as additional financial support for extras. Now you're going to buy them a car. That's awesome. $30k is totally reasonable and generous, and you yourself state they'd be happy with that. So buy them that, and feel tremendously lucky that a) you do so well financially and b) you and DH are on the same page about helping your parents.

I'd be irritated that my DH is irritated about me treating friends, but I wouldn't take it personally I guess, since he is the same way with his own family. It just sounds like that's the way he thinks about money.

It also sounds like you'd have more confidence and feel more powerful if you earned income too. I think it's a question of whether that's important enough to you to give up the SAH lifestyle. For me, it would not be, I don't think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG. Stop it. He sounds like a great guy. He brings in 7 figures and you can basically do what you want. Just stop being such an effing princess. It's not unreasonable to think your parents would be just fine in a new $30k vehicle.

IMO that's a super sexist response (I'm not OP). They're a family. She holds down the fort at home, presumably, and cares for the kids, and maybe the parents are highly involved too. Why shouldn't she be able to advocate for a $60k vehicle? Would you feel differently if DH wanted to buy HIS parents a similar car, since he's the one bringing home $3 mil?

Not at all. And not meant to be sexist, either. It's not about whether he has control of all the money. It's really about the fact that she truly believes that her parents, who are being fully supported by her family, need a more expensive vehicle. They don't. Her husband is not being a jerk over the money. He is questioning why her parents can't get by on a typical car that 80% of Americans drive.

Should also add that I am also a SAHM. We discuss all expenditures for our family, before making decisions. We tend to go with the most reasonable decision (sure, we could afford $1000/night lodging on vacation but why would we pay that when $500/night would do the trick?). I would also feel a man was acting in a spoiled manner if it was the female partner making the 7 figures and asking why his parents couldn't drive a gifted $30k car.

OP here. I think the part that upsets me or hurts my feelings is that DH is a car guy and values cars. If he/we didn’t care about cars, it would not matter as much and I would understand. Even when we earned way less, having a nice car was his priority. He wants to get my parents the absolute lowest car, the type of car he will decline if we were getting a rental car on vacation. He is a total car snob so for him to want to get my parents a cheap car, it feels like a slap in the face to me.

[Anonymous]

More often than not. The answer is no.

This subject is a very sensitive subject because so many SAHMs want to save face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG. Stop it. He sounds like a great guy. He brings in 7 figures and you can basically do what you want. Just stop being such an effing princess. It's not unreasonable to think your parents would be just fine in a new $30k vehicle.

IMO that's a super sexist response (I'm not OP). They're a family. She holds down the fort at home, presumably, and cares for the kids, and maybe the parents are highly involved too. Why shouldn't she be able to advocate for a $60k vehicle? Would you feel differently if DH wanted to buy HIS parents a similar car, since he's the one bringing home $3 mil?

Not at all. And not meant to be sexist, either. It's not about whether he has control of all the money. It's really about the fact that she truly believes that her parents, who are being fully supported by her family, need a more expensive vehicle. They don't. Her husband is not being a jerk over the money. He is questioning why her parents can't get by on a typical car that 80% of Americans drive.

Should also add that I am also a SAHM. We discuss all expenditures for our family, before making decisions. We tend to go with the most reasonable decision (sure, we could afford $1000/night lodging on vacation but why would we pay that when $500/night would do the trick?). I would also feel a man was acting in a spoiled manner if it was the female partner making the 7 figures and asking why his parents couldn't drive a gifted $30k car.

OP here. I think the part that upsets me or hurts my feelings is that DH is a car guy and values cars. If he/we didn’t care about cars, it would not matter as much and I would understand. Even when we earned way less, having a nice car was his priority. He wants to get my parents the absolute lowest car, the type of car he will decline if we were getting a rental car on vacation. He is a total car snob so for him to want to get my parents a cheap car, it feels like a slap in the face to me.

Maybe it is a slap in the face to him that you are supporting your parents on his salary and then asking him to buy THEM a luxury car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:More often than not. The answer is no.

This subject is a very sensitive subject because so many SAHMs want to save face.

-1 I think you want that to be true, but it really is not. Did you read the actual question or just feel like commenting based on the title?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"If I said I wanted a $200k car for myself, DH would probably get it for me."

If that is the way both of you think (he "gets [things]" for you), then indeed, I think you're correct that as a couple, you're thinking about the income earner as the primary decision maker regarding finances/big purchases.

No, you're not being unreasonable to want to buy your parents a new car for $60k. It's very generous of you, and generous of DH to be fine with paying for all of their extras and being open to purchasing them a car costing $30k.

I think it's normal for a couple to hash out providing significant financial support for extended family, though. It doesn't sound like you and DH have serious problems. But if going back to work is appealing to you and you feel it would give you more power and more autonomy, then go for it.

Thank you for the non snarky response. I actually really appreciate it.

We are big savers and on the same page regarding spending. We save/invest more than half our income. Dh often jokes he earns all the money and I spend it. I get to spend it on myself but not on others.

DH and I come from humble beginnings. I am actually surprised how little both DH and his siblings help out his parents. My parents are a decade older and in significantly worse health dealing with cancer, dementia, Parkinson’s, orthopedic issues, surgeries, etc.

DH is also not very generous with friends either. Everyone just pays their own way. I have some girlfriends who are single moms or struggling financially and I know DH doesn’t love it when I treat them. I have mixed feelings about this.

Hard to know if this is culture, family bringing, or just his personality but if you're not similarly minded that can be hard. I also saw your post about it feeling worse because DH is a car person - I can see that. You want to feel like he values your parents and loves them because he loves you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG. Stop it. He sounds like a great guy. He brings in 7 figures and you can basically do what you want. Just stop being such an effing princess. It's not unreasonable to think your parents would be just fine in a new $30k vehicle.

IMO that's a super sexist response (I'm not OP). They're a family. She holds down the fort at home, presumably, and cares for the kids, and maybe the parents are highly involved too. Why shouldn't she be able to advocate for a $60k vehicle? Would you feel differently if DH wanted to buy HIS parents a similar car, since he's the one bringing home $3 mil?

Not at all. And not meant to be sexist, either. It's not about whether he has control of all the money. It's really about the fact that she truly believes that her parents, who are being fully supported by her family, need a more expensive vehicle. They don't. Her husband is not being a jerk over the money. He is questioning why her parents can't get by on a typical car that 80% of Americans drive.

Should also add that I am also a SAHM. We discuss all expenditures for our family, before making decisions. We tend to go with the most reasonable decision (sure, we could afford $1000/night lodging on vacation but why would we pay that when $500/night would do the trick?). I would also feel a man was acting in a spoiled manner if it was the female partner making the 7 figures and asking why his parents couldn't drive a gifted $30k car.

OP here. I think the part that upsets me or hurts my feelings is that DH is a car guy and values cars. If he/we didn’t care about cars, it would not matter as much and I would understand. Even when we earned way less, having a nice car was his priority. He wants to get my parents the absolute lowest car, the type of car he will decline if we were getting a rental car on vacation. He is a total car snob so for him to want to get my parents a cheap car, it feels like a slap in the face to me.

A $30k vehicle is not "the absolute lowest car." You stating that puts your privilege on full display and you, apparently, are not even cognizant of its existence. Who cares if your DH is a car snob? Do you really think your parents are so shallow that they would hold the fact that you both drive cars valued at over $100k while they are gifted a brand new vehicle at $30k? I'm sure your parents are better than that.

[Anonymous]

This is probably a conversation you’d be having no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"If I said I wanted a $200k car for myself, DH would probably get it for me."

If that is the way both of you think (he "gets [things]" for you), then indeed, I think you're correct that as a couple, you're thinking about the income earner as the primary decision maker regarding finances/big purchases.

No, you're not being unreasonable to want to buy your parents a new car for $60k. It's very generous of you, and generous of DH to be fine with paying for all of their extras and being open to purchasing them a car costing $30k.

I think it's normal for a couple to hash out providing significant financial support for extended family, though. It doesn't sound like you and DH have serious problems. But if going back to work is appealing to you and you feel it would give you more power and more autonomy, then go for it.

Thank you for the non snarky response. I actually really appreciate it.

We are big savers and on the same page regarding spending. We save/invest more than half our income. Dh often jokes he earns all the money and I spend it. I get to spend it on myself but not on others.

DH and I come from humble beginnings. I am actually surprised how little both DH and his siblings help out his parents. My parents are a decade older and in significantly worse health dealing with cancer, dementia, Parkinson’s, orthopedic issues, surgeries, etc.

DH is also not very generous with friends either. Everyone just pays their own way. I have some girlfriends who are single moms or struggling financially and I know DH doesn’t love it when I treat them. I have mixed feelings about this.

Hard to know if this is culture, family bringing, or just his personality but if you're not similarly minded that can be hard. I also saw your post about it feeling worse because DH is a car person - I can see that. You want to feel like he values your parents and loves them because he loves you.

Your poor parents. I'm so sorry that they're struggling with their physical health. However, it sounds like the last thing on their mind is whether they are driving a 2023 Tahoe or a 2023 Rogue. It really feels like you are feeling personally responsible to grant them some sort of luxury at this point in their lives. Whether it's because you feel they deserve it or because you want to take credit as the generous daughter, or both...that's not really a reason for you guys to have to spend double on a car.

[Anonymous]

This post is why while men with good careers don't mind having a SAHM wife, they should be leery about marrying someone from a financially unstable background because they will be supporting her entire family.

[Anonymous]

OMG, if he brings in $3M a year, then yes he gets special treatment when it comes to finances!

If he brings in $300K and you're a SAHM, you can arguably say that your sacrifices enabled him to go from $150K to $300K and that if you had a SAH spouse and were similarly committed to your career, you could also bring in $300K. So in that case, you're still an equal financial partner despite being a SAHM.

But let's be real - $3M is such an outlandishly high income that he deserves more say than you in how that's spent (especially if that money is not even spent on your immediate family).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post is why while men with good careers don't mind having a SAHM wife, they should be leery about marrying someone from a financially unstable background because they will be supporting her entire family.

I know many men who complain about this exact dynamic with their inlaws and having to support them.