If there is a SAH spouse, are finances truly equal?

[Anonymous]

DH is a high earner and I’m a SAHM. Our accounts are mostly all joint. He has his own work retirement fund but we have a joint checking, joint checking, names on our homes, etc. I can spend as I please on myself and our three children.

My parents are in poor health and have depleted their savings on medical and now living in a house Dh and I own. They live on social security and we pay for all their extras. DH is fine with this. It has been like this for several years. I gave my parents my old car about a decade ago. It is dying and I wanted to get my parents a new car. DH is fine getting them a cheaper car ($20:30k) but does not seem to want to get them a car to replace my old car.

DH earns a seven figure income and just got a significant bump in pay. He will likely be pushing $3m in earning this year.

I know my parents would be fine and happy with anything. I am just annoyed that our money does not seem like our money at all. It is only our money when it comes to retirement savings or college savings or investing in our future. We live a very good lifestyle. We have 4 cars that all cost over $100k. I am not even into cars and Dh got me a new car this year that cost $110k. He has a luxury SUV with all the bells and whistles and also a flashy sports car. If I said I wanted a $200k car for myself, Dh would probably get it for me.

Am I being unreasonable to want to buy my parents a new car priced $50-60k?

I have been saying I want to go back to work. This seems the perfect reason to go back to work. Our money is not really our money after all.

[Anonymous]

Complain to your husband, not us, lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Complain to your husband, not us, lol.

I know he will probably let me get my parents the car I want.

I am just wondering about others in the same situation where one spouse stays home and one is the sole earner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Am I being unreasonable to want to buy my parents a new car priced $50-60k?

Yes completely unreasonable. A functioning car, yes, but not a brand new one.

I'm in a similar situation. I would never expect DH to agree to pay for an expensive new car for my parents. Nor would I agree to pay for a brand new one for his parents.

[Anonymous]

"If I said I wanted a $200k car for myself, DH would probably get it for me."

If that is the way both of you think (he "gets [things]" for you), then indeed, I think you're correct that as a couple, you're thinking about the income earner as the primary decision maker regarding finances/big purchases.

No, you're not being unreasonable to want to buy your parents a new car for $60k. It's very generous of you, and generous of DH to be fine with paying for all of their extras and being open to purchasing them a car costing $30k.

I think it's normal for a couple to hash out providing significant financial support for extended family, though. It doesn't sound like you and DH have serious problems. But if going back to work is appealing to you and you feel it would give you more power and more autonomy, then go for it.

[Anonymous]

Why can't your parents drive the $20-30K car that your husband IS comfortable with?

[Anonymous]

OMG. Stop it. He sounds like a great guy. He brings in 7 figures and you can basically do what you want. Just stop being such an effing princess. It's not unreasonable to think your parents would be just fine in a new $30k vehicle.

[Anonymous]

Even where both spouses work, when you are married and have children you would need to have this discussion with your spouse and would be feeling the same thing.

[Anonymous]

I earn $800k; DH earns $100k. My brother found his dream house and needed to borrow $100k for the down payment. DH and I talked about it briefly. Basically, "You ok with this?" "Yeah sure." Done. If he'd hesitated, we would have talked about it more until he felt ok about it or until he vetoed it.

His friend was struggling last year and he came to me and asked how I felt about gifting the friend $10k. I said yeah. I love the friend, too. But DH wasn't going to do it if I wasn't ok with it.

The way I view it - when you're a couple, no matter who earns what, you're a family. You're a unit. You decide together. Nobody "lets" the other do anything or buy anything. When it comes to big money decisions, you talk about it and come to a decision together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't your parents drive the $20-30K car that your husband IS comfortable with?

+1 weird post

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I earn $800k; DH earns $100k. My brother found his dream house and needed to borrow $100k for the down payment. DH and I talked about it briefly. Basically, "You ok with this?" "Yeah sure." Done. If he'd hesitated, we would have talked about it more until he felt ok about it or until he vetoed it.

His friend was struggling last year and he came to me and asked how I felt about gifting the friend $10k. I said yeah. I love the friend, too. But DH wasn't going to do it if I wasn't ok with it.

The way I view it - when you're a couple, no matter who earns what, you're a family. You're a unit. You decide together. Nobody "lets" the other do anything or buy anything. When it comes to big money decisions, you talk about it and come to a decision together.

This, exactly. In a healthy normal marriage, it’s “our” money no matter who brings in which portion, and you make big financial decisions together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG. Stop it. He sounds like a great guy. He brings in 7 figures and you can basically do what you want. Just stop being such an effing princess. It's not unreasonable to think your parents would be just fine in a new $30k vehicle.

IMO that's a super sexist response (I'm not OP). They're a family. She holds down the fort at home, presumably, and cares for the kids, and maybe the parents are highly involved too. Why shouldn't she be able to advocate for a $60k vehicle? Would you feel differently if DH wanted to buy HIS parents a similar car, since he's the one bringing home $3 mil?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"If I said I wanted a $200k car for myself, DH would probably get it for me."

If that is the way both of you think (he "gets [things]" for you), then indeed, I think you're correct that as a couple, you're thinking about the income earner as the primary decision maker regarding finances/big purchases.

No, you're not being unreasonable to want to buy your parents a new car for $60k. It's very generous of you, and generous of DH to be fine with paying for all of their extras and being open to purchasing them a car costing $30k.

I think it's normal for a couple to hash out providing significant financial support for extended family, though. It doesn't sound like you and DH have serious problems. But if going back to work is appealing to you and you feel it would give you more power and more autonomy, then go for it.

Thank you for the non snarky response. I actually really appreciate it.

We are big savers and on the same page regarding spending. We save/invest more than half our income. Dh often jokes he earns all the money and I spend it. I get to spend it on myself but not on others.

DH and I come from humble beginnings. I am actually surprised how little both DH and his siblings help out his parents. My parents are a decade older and in significantly worse health dealing with cancer, dementia, Parkinson’s, orthopedic issues, surgeries, etc.

DH is also not very generous with friends either. Everyone just pays their own way. I have some girlfriends who are single moms or struggling financially and I know DH doesn’t love it when I treat them. I have mixed feelings about this.

[Anonymous]

You are a leech.

Nobody can just spend family money any way they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG. Stop it. He sounds like a great guy. He brings in 7 figures and you can basically do what you want. Just stop being such an effing princess. It's not unreasonable to think your parents would be just fine in a new $30k vehicle.

IMO that's a super sexist response (I'm not OP). They're a family. She holds down the fort at home, presumably, and cares for the kids, and maybe the parents are highly involved too. Why shouldn't she be able to advocate for a $60k vehicle? Would you feel differently if DH wanted to buy HIS parents a similar car, since he's the one bringing home $3 mil?

Not at all. And not meant to be sexist, either. It's not about whether he has control of all the money. It's really about the fact that she truly believes that her parents, who are being fully supported by her family, need a more expensive vehicle. They don't. Her husband is not being a jerk over the money. He is questioning why her parents can't get by on a typical car that 80% of Americans drive.