If there is a SAH spouse, are finances truly equal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can spend $5k to have a financial advisor that you hire individually for yourself sit down with just you, not your husband, and give you some long-term advice and how money flows. Are you buying $60k cars for each child? Every time? Their spouses? Each of your grandchildren? How about educational expenses? Will DH be working forever? These are the kinds of questions you need to be thinking about to sort of mature out your role as the child of your parents. You need to see the big picture here, and if you wait for DH to educate you then he will have trouble respecting you. Get some money education for yourself.

This. Open your eyes, OP! You need to be an *equal partner* in financial planning if you want truly joint money. You need to put in some effort so that you have an informed perspective that includes the long term and the bigger picture. NOT demanding whatever you want, pouting when you don't get it, and making your vanity or feeling of obligation the most important thing. Learn about money, consider the whole picture for your whole family, and present your views in a way that your DH can understand.


I suspect a lot of this is about your dad coming to the last years of his life, and I'm very sorry for your anticipatory grief and eventual loss. But a new car and a fight with your DH won't fix it.

[Anonymous]

Very odd post. OP’s DH gave in and acquiesced to whatever expensive unnecessary car she wanted for her parents. But OP is still angry…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very odd post. OP’s DH gave in and acquiesced to whatever expensive unnecessary car she wanted for her parents. But OP is still angry…

It's because she knows they don't actually have joint finances, she just has a DH who's rich enough not to care about the car.

[Anonymous]

No, the finances are not equal. Your husband works very hard and makes the money, you do nothing and get to spend it freely. In this case on an extravagance for your parents.

That is an emphatically unequal arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Didn't read all 12 pages but I see people saying that finances shouldn't be equal because her DH makes so much, and I want to ask at what point does it not be equal?

If there was a man making $200k, and they decide it's best for the woman to stay at home with the 3 kids, I think most of us would agree that she should have equal say in finances.

What if the man makes $500k? Still equal? What about $1 mil? $3 mil?

If the man goes from $200k to $2m in 15 years, does that mean the woman starts as an equal financial partner but then diminishes over time until she has to ask for permission to buy anything outside that original $100k "equality"?

OP, the bottom line is that you needed to have this conversation when you first started SAH. Since you didn't, you need to have it now for better or worse. And for crying out loud no silent treatment. You're not 5 years old.

[Anonymous]

1) I understand. My parents (immigrants) would think it’s weird if I give them lesser quality of something than we use. They would never say it but I know they would think it. If I didn’t work, they would assume DH doesn’t want to spend it.

2) you should let this go because DH is being very supportive. Be excited with your parents and don’t give them the chance to say anything bad. You’re both being really nice!

3) Are you fully covered for retirement and kids’ college, regardless of annual income? I wouldn’t feel comfortable being so generous with parents (luxury car vs functional car) unless I had 20 mill in the bank. I would be more generous after kids have launched.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think there are various issues at play.

-the dynamics of not having your own income
-what you believe is a reasonable cost for a car
-asking your spouse to support in-laws financially

I stay at home and my spouse earns about $800k. He's spendier by nature than I am so there's that. I noticed you said your husband "lets" you do this or that. You also said that *he* got you your $110k car. Did you not pick out your own car? Change the way you tell yourself these stories. Part of being an equal in the partnership is believing it yourself. He doesn't let you spend money; you decide together that it's OK to spend money. He doesn't buy you a car (unless he bought it without your input); you decide together what your budget is, and then you pick out your own car.

My husband has a $70k car. Cars aren't my thing. I have a $32k car. Obviously my husband would support me getting a $70k car if I wanted one, but I don't. So I spend that money on Disney World instead.

As for supporting your parents, I think the disconnect here is that your husband is such a car snob that it seems like he wants your parents to drive trash because he thinks a $25k car is trash. So it doesn't paint your husband in the best light. But objectively speaking, you can get a perfectly serviceable and functional car for $25k. You should figure out if you are also a car snob, or if you are upset by the implied disrespect to your parents.

That said, you should never take it for granted that your spouse will approve giving away your money to relatives. Approach those conversations carefully and with respect. And keep in mind that he didn't say no to a car . . . he just suggested a budget lower than you apparently desire. That might indicate that he is tiring of these expenses. It may not be about the appropriate price for a car so much as it's about the never-ending asks.

One thing that has helped our dynamics is to give both of us the same amount of fun money. Because I would be so cautious and debate whether to spend $200 on a few items of clothing for myself, and then my husband would buy himself multiple pairs of $200 jeans. This way, if I want something that I feel is extravagant, the money is already there. Or I can save it up and donate it or spend it on a trip or whatever. It emboldens me to treat myself, which is a good thing considering that it's never fun to deny yourself and then look over at your spouse merrily spending without a second thought.

You have painted your husband as being rather ungenerous but the fact is that he approves of spending all this money on your inlaws. That may just not be a bottomless check. He may not view it as being stingy with friends; maybe he just doesn't want people to expect him to pay. Or maybe he thinks it's respectful to treat the other person like an equal who can pay their share of the bill, even if they don't earn millions of dollars a year. My gazillionaire uncle doesn't pay for everyone all the time; he doesn't want to create lazy dependents (I'm not saying that elderly people like your parents are lazy at all . . . this is in reference to his grandchildren).

So stop telling yourself that your husband controls the purse strings and lets you do things. If you want a fancy a$$ car, then own it; don't act like your husband twisted your arm. If you DON'T want a fancy a$$ car, then say so. But I still don't understand what is wrong with getting your parents a $30k car. It sounds like you are mad on principle . . . mad that he is a car snob but doesn't extend that to cars he gifts to struggling relatives. But I think it's like if you flew them to Europe with you, but you bought them coach tickets (assuming they weren't frail and uncomfortable in the seats). Yes, for you, flying in coach is unthinkable. But it's what the vast majority of people do. And even coach tickets cost a lot these days. Or let's say you're flying your teens with you. You want the lie flat seats, but do teenagers need them? You are still being generous even if you gift someone something that's not as luxurious as what you would get yourself. It's still a gift, where none was required.

DH put his name down for a Tesla before/during the pandemic. The wait list for the Tesla was so long that he got another car during the wait time. When the delivery time came, he asked if I wanted it. I didn’t really care. My car was getting kind of old. It is 6 years old. He basically got the Tesla for our family and I am driving it. I don’t really care about cars.

We just spent 40k on spring break. We can very easily buy this car for my parents. DH is expecting a very large influx of money next month and this is before his new bump in compensation. We also have other investments that should have a multi million dollar return. I guess we do talk about money. We just don’t talk about spending it. I usually just do whatever I want as long as it is for the kids and me and not others.

It sounds like your high income has allowed you to avoid talking about an issue where you actually don't agree and you're both uncomfortable. It seems like it's not really about the money for your DH exactly, it's more about the relationship with your parents. He might feel, for example, that it's a fancy car now but soon it'll be another fancy car and then live-in help or a fancy house or a fancy assisted living or supporting other relatives of yours, or whatever. He might feel that it will mess up his relationship with your dad-- men can have certain feelings about that He just doesn't have the same cultural norms that you do, and he's not comfortable with it. It's not about the money for him. It's about whether you're funding ILs' luxuries, or only their necessities. Because if you start in on luxuries there's no end to it.

My dad doesn’t have long to live. This has absolutely nothing to do with my dad. This car will be for my mom to take my dad to doctor appointments.

What difference does it make in their quality of life to have a fancy car versus a merely nice car?

When I give gifts, I try to be thoughtful. I would not want to give an inferior gift, something I would not use.

My mom already said she will probably only drive 1-2 years and she can just fix the current car. She said she doesn’t need a new car. I don’t want my mom driving an old car that keeps breaking down.

We will likely get a car that is around 40k. I gave DH the silent treatment. He didn’t even think this car purchase was an argument. He said I can get them whatever I want.

To all the posters who said it would be different if DH gave much more to his side of the family, I heard you. Thank you for the perspective.

You are coming across more childish with every post.

What do you do when you are mad at your spouse? Guess what? I won’t be sleeping with him either.

I speak to him, like an adult. Your husband didn't even know you were fighting, because this is all in your head. I mostly hate it when people say "I feel sorry for your X" on this board but -- your poor husband. He is paying for your parents' house, their incidentals, their current car, their next car, and according to you "whatever you want for you or the kids" and you're still the way that you are. Seriously, you don't have any reason to be upset, you just want to be. You seem bored. Get a job, or volunteer or something. Manufacturing drama in your own house is no way to live.

I am not bored. My dad is dying. My mom has cancer. Their car has been in and out of the shop multiple times since last year. They need a new car.

I wish I was bored. I am sandwiched between caring for our children and my elderly sick parents. My parents stress me out far more than my children. My dad has been in an out of the hospital this past year while the car would not start.

There was never not going to be a new car. You are manufacturing drama about how much the car should cost when your parents don't even care, damaging your marriage, taking your husband for granted, and being a child, all while trying to maintain the position that you don't really care about money or cars. You're a twit. Plenty of us are sandwiched between caring for children and elderly, sick parents without a taking ridiculous shots at the benefactor funding the whole endeavor and then bragging about it online.

How is this bragging?

DH said I can get my parent the car I wanted. I think I was more bothered at the lack of our finances being joint than about the car.

We will see what car my parents want. Fight over.

I actually was curious about the finances of other one earning households.

Op, my DH makes $3M and I make $200k, so not a SAHP, but my income is pretty insignificant to our lives.

I do get a lot of say on our purchases. I’m actually the one who is more frugal - DH has a hobby and I don’t let him go crazy buying stuff to support it - like we have to come to agreement over a $3K purchase, which is stupid when you think about the money we make, but that’s our system. I check with him when I buy anything over $500 dollars - not asking for permission, really, but giving him a chance to disagree or suggest something else. I can’t remember the last time he said no, but I’m usually the conservative one with spending, so by the time I am ready to purchase a big budget item we have usually been talking about it a while.

I will only add that DH works really, really hard at his job - sometimes I’m amazed at his stamina. He loves it, and I feel like I work hard, too, not so much at my job, but dealing with our kids and the house stuff. But I’m careful about our money because I wonder if one day DH will just decide he’s done. And I would never tell him he needs to keep doing it, so I don’t want to live a lifestyle where he is stuck working to maintain it.

We live on less than your income and I don't need to check with my husband about anything. I might mention it but he wouldn't care at all. Why would you need to check with him on something that was $500 to a few thousand? You can afford anything and everything you want.

Because it's not just about the money, it's about relationships and the effect that money and gifts can have on relationships.

Exactly, so why would you have to discuss it, especially on that income. However an expensive car in this situation makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think there are various issues at play.

-the dynamics of not having your own income
-what you believe is a reasonable cost for a car
-asking your spouse to support in-laws financially

I stay at home and my spouse earns about $800k. He's spendier by nature than I am so there's that. I noticed you said your husband "lets" you do this or that. You also said that *he* got you your $110k car. Did you not pick out your own car? Change the way you tell yourself these stories. Part of being an equal in the partnership is believing it yourself. He doesn't let you spend money; you decide together that it's OK to spend money. He doesn't buy you a car (unless he bought it without your input); you decide together what your budget is, and then you pick out your own car.

My husband has a $70k car. Cars aren't my thing. I have a $32k car. Obviously my husband would support me getting a $70k car if I wanted one, but I don't. So I spend that money on Disney World instead.

As for supporting your parents, I think the disconnect here is that your husband is such a car snob that it seems like he wants your parents to drive trash because he thinks a $25k car is trash. So it doesn't paint your husband in the best light. But objectively speaking, you can get a perfectly serviceable and functional car for $25k. You should figure out if you are also a car snob, or if you are upset by the implied disrespect to your parents.

That said, you should never take it for granted that your spouse will approve giving away your money to relatives. Approach those conversations carefully and with respect. And keep in mind that he didn't say no to a car . . . he just suggested a budget lower than you apparently desire. That might indicate that he is tiring of these expenses. It may not be about the appropriate price for a car so much as it's about the never-ending asks.

One thing that has helped our dynamics is to give both of us the same amount of fun money. Because I would be so cautious and debate whether to spend $200 on a few items of clothing for myself, and then my husband would buy himself multiple pairs of $200 jeans. This way, if I want something that I feel is extravagant, the money is already there. Or I can save it up and donate it or spend it on a trip or whatever. It emboldens me to treat myself, which is a good thing considering that it's never fun to deny yourself and then look over at your spouse merrily spending without a second thought.

You have painted your husband as being rather ungenerous but the fact is that he approves of spending all this money on your inlaws. That may just not be a bottomless check. He may not view it as being stingy with friends; maybe he just doesn't want people to expect him to pay. Or maybe he thinks it's respectful to treat the other person like an equal who can pay their share of the bill, even if they don't earn millions of dollars a year. My gazillionaire uncle doesn't pay for everyone all the time; he doesn't want to create lazy dependents (I'm not saying that elderly people like your parents are lazy at all . . . this is in reference to his grandchildren).

So stop telling yourself that your husband controls the purse strings and lets you do things. If you want a fancy a$$ car, then own it; don't act like your husband twisted your arm. If you DON'T want a fancy a$$ car, then say so. But I still don't understand what is wrong with getting your parents a $30k car. It sounds like you are mad on principle . . . mad that he is a car snob but doesn't extend that to cars he gifts to struggling relatives. But I think it's like if you flew them to Europe with you, but you bought them coach tickets (assuming they weren't frail and uncomfortable in the seats). Yes, for you, flying in coach is unthinkable. But it's what the vast majority of people do. And even coach tickets cost a lot these days. Or let's say you're flying your teens with you. You want the lie flat seats, but do teenagers need them? You are still being generous even if you gift someone something that's not as luxurious as what you would get yourself. It's still a gift, where none was required.

DH put his name down for a Tesla before/during the pandemic. The wait list for the Tesla was so long that he got another car during the wait time. When the delivery time came, he asked if I wanted it. I didn’t really care. My car was getting kind of old. It is 6 years old. He basically got the Tesla for our family and I am driving it. I don’t really care about cars.

We just spent 40k on spring break. We can very easily buy this car for my parents. DH is expecting a very large influx of money next month and this is before his new bump in compensation. We also have other investments that should have a multi million dollar return. I guess we do talk about money. We just don’t talk about spending it. I usually just do whatever I want as long as it is for the kids and me and not others.

It sounds like your high income has allowed you to avoid talking about an issue where you actually don't agree and you're both uncomfortable. It seems like it's not really about the money for your DH exactly, it's more about the relationship with your parents. He might feel, for example, that it's a fancy car now but soon it'll be another fancy car and then live-in help or a fancy house or a fancy assisted living or supporting other relatives of yours, or whatever. He might feel that it will mess up his relationship with your dad-- men can have certain feelings about that He just doesn't have the same cultural norms that you do, and he's not comfortable with it. It's not about the money for him. It's about whether you're funding ILs' luxuries, or only their necessities. Because if you start in on luxuries there's no end to it.

My dad doesn’t have long to live. This has absolutely nothing to do with my dad. This car will be for my mom to take my dad to doctor appointments.

What difference does it make in their quality of life to have a fancy car versus a merely nice car?

When I give gifts, I try to be thoughtful. I would not want to give an inferior gift, something I would not use.

My mom already said she will probably only drive 1-2 years and she can just fix the current car. She said she doesn’t need a new car. I don’t want my mom driving an old car that keeps breaking down.

We will likely get a car that is around 40k. I gave DH the silent treatment. He didn’t even think this car purchase was an argument. He said I can get them whatever I want.

To all the posters who said it would be different if DH gave much more to his side of the family, I heard you. Thank you for the perspective.

You are coming across more childish with every post.

What do you do when you are mad at your spouse? Guess what? I won’t be sleeping with him either.

I speak to him, like an adult. Your husband didn't even know you were fighting, because this is all in your head. I mostly hate it when people say "I feel sorry for your X" on this board but -- your poor husband. He is paying for your parents' house, their incidentals, their current car, their next car, and according to you "whatever you want for you or the kids" and you're still the way that you are. Seriously, you don't have any reason to be upset, you just want to be. You seem bored. Get a job, or volunteer or something. Manufacturing drama in your own house is no way to live.

I am not bored. My dad is dying. My mom has cancer. Their car has been in and out of the shop multiple times since last year. They need a new car.

I wish I was bored. I am sandwiched between caring for our children and my elderly sick parents. My parents stress me out far more than my children. My dad has been in an out of the hospital this past year while the car would not start.

There was never not going to be a new car. You are manufacturing drama about how much the car should cost when your parents don't even care, damaging your marriage, taking your husband for granted, and being a child, all while trying to maintain the position that you don't really care about money or cars. You're a twit. Plenty of us are sandwiched between caring for children and elderly, sick parents without a taking ridiculous shots at the benefactor funding the whole endeavor and then bragging about it online.

How is this bragging?

DH said I can get my parent the car I wanted. I think I was more bothered at the lack of our finances being joint than about the car.

We will see what car my parents want. Fight over.

I actually was curious about the finances of other one earning households.

Op, my DH makes $3M and I make $200k, so not a SAHP, but my income is pretty insignificant to our lives.

I do get a lot of say on our purchases. I’m actually the one who is more frugal - DH has a hobby and I don’t let him go crazy buying stuff to support it - like we have to come to agreement over a $3K purchase, which is stupid when you think about the money we make, but that’s our system. I check with him when I buy anything over $500 dollars - not asking for permission, really, but giving him a chance to disagree or suggest something else. I can’t remember the last time he said no, but I’m usually the conservative one with spending, so by the time I am ready to purchase a big budget item we have usually been talking about it a while.

I will only add that DH works really, really hard at his job - sometimes I’m amazed at his stamina. He loves it, and I feel like I work hard, too, not so much at my job, but dealing with our kids and the house stuff. But I’m careful about our money because I wonder if one day DH will just decide he’s done. And I would never tell him he needs to keep doing it, so I don’t want to live a lifestyle where he is stuck working to maintain it.

We live on less than your income and I don't need to check with my husband about anything. I might mention it but he wouldn't care at all. Why would you need to check with him on something that was $500 to a few thousand? You can afford anything and everything you want.

Because it's not just about the money, it's about relationships and the effect that money and gifts can have on relationships.

If you have a healthy relationship, you don't have to check for spending $500. However, you might just want to discuss a $5000 purchase, because that's what people in a healthy relationship do. I know my partner will say yes, but it's more about making sure we are on the same page and just because I have nothing to hide, but I don't routinely spend $1k+ on a daily basis for something we haven't planned for.

$5K is a bit different. I might talk to my spouse about it but more because I'm debating what to buy partly because of price but we don't have anything like OP money but can comfortably afford it. (i.e. $800 vs. 2K computer). But, I'd buy him something for it and only mention it so he doesn't think there is fraud.

[Anonymous]

I don't know... you lost me at "We have 4 cars that all cost over $100k." You sound disgusting.

[Anonymous]

This is why being a SAHP is a bad idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, the finances are not equal. Your husband works very hard and makes the money, you do nothing and get to spend it freely. In this case on an extravagance for your parents.

That is an emphatically unequal arrangement.

You're an idiot. If OP didn't stay home, her DH would not be able to have the job that allows him those earnings.
But they are so rich and this is so stupid that I just can't...

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think there are various issues at play.

-the dynamics of not having your own income
-what you believe is a reasonable cost for a car
-asking your spouse to support in-laws financially

I stay at home and my spouse earns about $800k. He's spendier by nature than I am so there's that. I noticed you said your husband "lets" you do this or that. You also said that *he* got you your $110k car. Did you not pick out your own car? Change the way you tell yourself these stories. Part of being an equal in the partnership is believing it yourself. He doesn't let you spend money; you decide together that it's OK to spend money. He doesn't buy you a car (unless he bought it without your input); you decide together what your budget is, and then you pick out your own car.

My husband has a $70k car. Cars aren't my thing. I have a $32k car. Obviously my husband would support me getting a $70k car if I wanted one, but I don't. So I spend that money on Disney World instead.

As for supporting your parents, I think the disconnect here is that your husband is such a car snob that it seems like he wants your parents to drive trash because he thinks a $25k car is trash. So it doesn't paint your husband in the best light. But objectively speaking, you can get a perfectly serviceable and functional car for $25k. You should figure out if you are also a car snob, or if you are upset by the implied disrespect to your parents.

That said, you should never take it for granted that your spouse will approve giving away your money to relatives. Approach those conversations carefully and with respect. And keep in mind that he didn't say no to a car . . . he just suggested a budget lower than you apparently desire. That might indicate that he is tiring of these expenses. It may not be about the appropriate price for a car so much as it's about the never-ending asks.

One thing that has helped our dynamics is to give both of us the same amount of fun money. Because I would be so cautious and debate whether to spend $200 on a few items of clothing for myself, and then my husband would buy himself multiple pairs of $200 jeans. This way, if I want something that I feel is extravagant, the money is already there. Or I can save it up and donate it or spend it on a trip or whatever. It emboldens me to treat myself, which is a good thing considering that it's never fun to deny yourself and then look over at your spouse merrily spending without a second thought.

You have painted your husband as being rather ungenerous but the fact is that he approves of spending all this money on your inlaws. That may just not be a bottomless check. He may not view it as being stingy with friends; maybe he just doesn't want people to expect him to pay. Or maybe he thinks it's respectful to treat the other person like an equal who can pay their share of the bill, even if they don't earn millions of dollars a year. My gazillionaire uncle doesn't pay for everyone all the time; he doesn't want to create lazy dependents (I'm not saying that elderly people like your parents are lazy at all . . . this is in reference to his grandchildren).

So stop telling yourself that your husband controls the purse strings and lets you do things. If you want a fancy a$$ car, then own it; don't act like your husband twisted your arm. If you DON'T want a fancy a$$ car, then say so. But I still don't understand what is wrong with getting your parents a $30k car. It sounds like you are mad on principle . . . mad that he is a car snob but doesn't extend that to cars he gifts to struggling relatives. But I think it's like if you flew them to Europe with you, but you bought them coach tickets (assuming they weren't frail and uncomfortable in the seats). Yes, for you, flying in coach is unthinkable. But it's what the vast majority of people do. And even coach tickets cost a lot these days. Or let's say you're flying your teens with you. You want the lie flat seats, but do teenagers need them? You are still being generous even if you gift someone something that's not as luxurious as what you would get yourself. It's still a gift, where none was required.

DH put his name down for a Tesla before/during the pandemic. The wait list for the Tesla was so long that he got another car during the wait time. When the delivery time came, he asked if I wanted it. I didn’t really care. My car was getting kind of old. It is 6 years old. He basically got the Tesla for our family and I am driving it. I don’t really care about cars.

We just spent 40k on spring break. We can very easily buy this car for my parents. DH is expecting a very large influx of money next month and this is before his new bump in compensation. We also have other investments that should have a multi million dollar return. I guess we do talk about money. We just don’t talk about spending it. I usually just do whatever I want as long as it is for the kids and me and not others.

It sounds like your high income has allowed you to avoid talking about an issue where you actually don't agree and you're both uncomfortable. It seems like it's not really about the money for your DH exactly, it's more about the relationship with your parents. He might feel, for example, that it's a fancy car now but soon it'll be another fancy car and then live-in help or a fancy house or a fancy assisted living or supporting other relatives of yours, or whatever. He might feel that it will mess up his relationship with your dad-- men can have certain feelings about that He just doesn't have the same cultural norms that you do, and he's not comfortable with it. It's not about the money for him. It's about whether you're funding ILs' luxuries, or only their necessities. Because if you start in on luxuries there's no end to it.

My dad doesn’t have long to live. This has absolutely nothing to do with my dad. This car will be for my mom to take my dad to doctor appointments.

What difference does it make in their quality of life to have a fancy car versus a merely nice car?

When I give gifts, I try to be thoughtful. I would not want to give an inferior gift, something I would not use.

My mom already said she will probably only drive 1-2 years and she can just fix the current car. She said she doesn’t need a new car. I don’t want my mom driving an old car that keeps breaking down.

We will likely get a car that is around 40k. I gave DH the silent treatment. He didn’t even think this car purchase was an argument. He said I can get them whatever I want.

To all the posters who said it would be different if DH gave much more to his side of the family, I heard you. Thank you for the perspective.

You are coming across more childish with every post.

What do you do when you are mad at your spouse? Guess what? I won’t be sleeping with him either.

I speak to him, like an adult. Your husband didn't even know you were fighting, because this is all in your head. I mostly hate it when people say "I feel sorry for your X" on this board but -- your poor husband. He is paying for your parents' house, their incidentals, their current car, their next car, and according to you "whatever you want for you or the kids" and you're still the way that you are. Seriously, you don't have any reason to be upset, you just want to be. You seem bored. Get a job, or volunteer or something. Manufacturing drama in your own house is no way to live.

I am not bored. My dad is dying. My mom has cancer. Their car has been in and out of the shop multiple times since last year. They need a new car.

I wish I was bored. I am sandwiched between caring for our children and my elderly sick parents. My parents stress me out far more than my children. My dad has been in an out of the hospital this past year while the car would not start.

There was never not going to be a new car. You are manufacturing drama about how much the car should cost when your parents don't even care, damaging your marriage, taking your husband for granted, and being a child, all while trying to maintain the position that you don't really care about money or cars. You're a twit. Plenty of us are sandwiched between caring for children and elderly, sick parents without a taking ridiculous shots at the benefactor funding the whole endeavor and then bragging about it online.

How is this bragging?

DH said I can get my parent the car I wanted. I think I was more bothered at the lack of our finances being joint than about the car.

We will see what car my parents want. Fight over.

I actually was curious about the finances of other one earning households.

Op, my DH makes $3M and I make $200k, so not a SAHP, but my income is pretty insignificant to our lives.

I do get a lot of say on our purchases. I’m actually the one who is more frugal - DH has a hobby and I don’t let him go crazy buying stuff to support it - like we have to come to agreement over a $3K purchase, which is stupid when you think about the money we make, but that’s our system. I check with him when I buy anything over $500 dollars - not asking for permission, really, but giving him a chance to disagree or suggest something else. I can’t remember the last time he said no, but I’m usually the conservative one with spending, so by the time I am ready to purchase a big budget item we have usually been talking about it a while.

I will only add that DH works really, really hard at his job - sometimes I’m amazed at his stamina. He loves it, and I feel like I work hard, too, not so much at my job, but dealing with our kids and the house stuff. But I’m careful about our money because I wonder if one day DH will just decide he’s done. And I would never tell him he needs to keep doing it, so I don’t want to live a lifestyle where he is stuck working to maintain it.

We live on less than your income and I don't need to check with my husband about anything. I might mention it but he wouldn't care at all. Why would you need to check with him on something that was $500 to a few thousand? You can afford anything and everything you want.

Because it's not just about the money, it's about relationships and the effect that money and gifts can have on relationships.

If you have a healthy relationship, you don't have to check for spending $500. However, you might just want to discuss a $5000 purchase, because that's what people in a healthy relationship do. I know my partner will say yes, but it's more about making sure we are on the same page and just because I have nothing to hide, but I don't routinely spend $1k+ on a daily basis for something we haven't planned for.

$5K is a bit different. I might talk to my spouse about it but more because I'm debating what to buy partly because of price but we don't have anything like OP money but can comfortably afford it. (i.e. $800 vs. 2K computer). But, I'd buy him something for it and only mention it so he doesn't think there is fraud.

This---I'm the PP. While $5K is not much for us, we are still frugal and "responsible" in our spending choices (think it's a 4 hour plane ride, so I'm not paying more than $200-300 extra for business/first despite the face yes I can afford it---we just don't think that's a good use of $$). So it just seems strange to not at least mention/quickly discuss a large purchase that is not medical/a real need for the kids or similar. It's just how we have evolved in over 25 years of marriage. Yes the money my partner earns is truly both of ours. I'm the one who manages it and spends it Partner would have no clue about the bills, where the money is kept, etc, that's my job. Healthy relationships discuss finances and don't try to hide stuff. Even if you know "it's okay" with your partner, you still mention it because yes, $5K is a decent amount of money. Just like when there are/were issues with the kids at school or medical or in their ECs, I manage it but I still inform my partner about what's going on, because we are equal partners in this thing called life and our family. So it's just general common sense to keep everyone informed. I can't imagine not doing that. And yes, the millions my partner has earned is equally both of ours. But that's because we have a healthy relationship and work as partners in life. My partner would not be where they are today if they had to manage sick kids, 6pm childcare pickups, not traveling because the other partner needs to travel that week so they are in charge of the house and kids---we made that joint decision decades ago and are still thrilled with that choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, the finances are not equal. Your husband works very hard and makes the money, you do nothing and get to spend it freely. In this case on an extravagance for your parents.

That is an emphatically unequal arrangement.

You're an idiot. If OP didn't stay home, her DH would not be able to have the job that allows him those earnings.
But they are so rich and this is so stupid that I just can't...

+1 with the "if OP didn't stay home, her DH would not be able to have the job that allows him those earnings".
It is definately much more challenging to become a HHI worker/executive if you have to leave office for the 6pm daycare pickup/after care pickup, stay home with sick kids cause your partner must be at work that day, not go on a business trip because your partner has a more important one to go on that week, etc... Male or female, you go much further up the chain of command if you can dedicate 110% to your job with no outside concerns. Having a partner who SAHP your kids is a huge part of this. While companies say "they support you and your family" in reality, if everyone else can stay for that 6-8pm meeting on the spur of the moment and you have to leave half the time, you are missing out on the better assignments and opportunities for advancement.

[Anonymous]

The finances aren't equal because the SAH spouse is legally the dependent. You can't be equal while being dependent.

[Anonymous]

This is so F! up. My wife is a SAHM and I make 1.2M per year. DW can spend on whatever she wants for her parents because I am treating both my MIL and FIL like my own parents. It is a red flag if I treat DW's parents differently than my own parents.