If there is a SAH spouse, are finances truly equal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so F! up. My wife is a SAHM and I make 1.2M per year. DW can spend on whatever she wants for her parents because I am treating both my MIL and FIL like my own parents. It is a red flag if I treat DW's parents differently than my own parents.

He doesn't buy expensive stuff for his parents though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, the finances are not equal. Your husband works very hard and makes the money, you do nothing and get to spend it freely. In this case on an extravagance for your parents.

That is an emphatically unequal arrangement.

You're an idiot. If OP didn't stay home, her DH would not be able to have the job that allows him those earnings.
But they are so rich and this is so stupid that I just can't...

+1 with the "if OP didn't stay home, her DH would not be able to have the job that allows him those earnings".
It is definately much more challenging to become a HHI worker/executive if you have to leave office for the 6pm daycare pickup/after care pickup, stay home with sick kids cause your partner must be at work that day, not go on a business trip because your partner has a more important one to go on that week, etc... Male or female, you go much further up the chain of command if you can dedicate 110% to your job with no outside concerns. Having a partner who SAHP your kids is a huge part of this. While companies say "they support you and your family" in reality, if everyone else can stay for that 6-8pm meeting on the spur of the moment and you have to leave half the time, you are missing out on the better assignments and opportunities for advancement.

Uh huh. All of those things you described can be done by hired help at $20/hour. Driving kids around, LOL. But sure, keep telling yourself how financially valuable a SAHM is.

I happen to think SAHMs are very valuable in a non financial sense. My wife is one, and I’m glad for it. I want my kids to have that nurturing. But the question at the center of this post is whether *finances* are equal in this scenario, and they aren’t. Not remotely. The husband is delivering 100% of the money and the wife is a profligate spender. That is not “equal” in any discernible way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so F! up. My wife is a SAHM and I make 1.2M per year. DW can spend on whatever she wants for her parents because I am treating both my MIL and FIL like my own parents. It is a red flag if I treat DW's parents differently than my own parents.

We treat our parents the same, yet we wouldn't purchase a luxury vehicle for either set, despite each driving one ourselves. But yes it is a red flag if one partner wants to treat a set of parents differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The finances aren't equal because the SAH spouse is legally the dependent. You can't be equal while being dependent.

yes you can. We are wealthy, and I have full access to all our money. I even manage it. If needed I would get half in a divorce after 35+ years of marriage. What one earns goes into the pot that we all share equally. However, that requires you to have an adult relationship where you communicate with each other---if you want to purchase something you discuss it (if outside of a reasonable range---I spend $500-1000 without any concern more than mentioning it. For a large purchase we will discuss more so because that's what we have always done, starting from when we were poor and had to make good fiscal decisions. So now we typically discuss stuff but normally it's more just to keep the other informed, not as a true decision making event. We both are 99% on the same page for spending money (we are still frugal).

[Anonymous]

With all of the health issues your parents have, how much longer, realistically, will they be driving? Also, because of their financial situation and health problems, the car they drive isn’t their top priority. Since your car that they have now is breaking down, they will probably be happy just to have something that is reliable.

Is the issue that you feel bad buying them a $30K car when they see your family driving $100K cars? You are completely supporting them and they are likely grateful for anything you get them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, the finances are not equal. Your husband works very hard and makes the money, you do nothing and get to spend it freely. In this case on an extravagance for your parents.

That is an emphatically unequal arrangement.

You're an idiot. If OP didn't stay home, her DH would not be able to have the job that allows him those earnings.
But they are so rich and this is so stupid that I just can't...

+1 with the "if OP didn't stay home, her DH would not be able to have the job that allows him those earnings".
It is definately much more challenging to become a HHI worker/executive if you have to leave office for the 6pm daycare pickup/after care pickup, stay home with sick kids cause your partner must be at work that day, not go on a business trip because your partner has a more important one to go on that week, etc... Male or female, you go much further up the chain of command if you can dedicate 110% to your job with no outside concerns. Having a partner who SAHP your kids is a huge part of this. While companies say "they support you and your family" in reality, if everyone else can stay for that 6-8pm meeting on the spur of the moment and you have to leave half the time, you are missing out on the better assignments and opportunities for advancement.

Uh huh. All of those things you described can be done by hired help at $20/hour. Driving kids around, LOL. But sure, keep telling yourself how financially valuable a SAHM is.

I happen to think SAHMs are very valuable in a non financial sense. My wife is one, and I’m glad for it. I want my kids to have that nurturing. But the question at the center of this post is whether *finances* are equal in this scenario, and they aren’t. Not remotely. The husband is delivering 100% of the money and the wife is a profligate spender. That is not “equal” in any discernible way.

I disagree. Hired help is not the same as a loving parent or grandparent. DH has a very demanding and high HHI job. I work too, a less demanding and lower HHI job. But if my parents were not around to help us out, I would quit in an instant. I do not want my kids raised by hourly workers.

[Anonymous]

This. Your finances are joint, whether or not you are working. You don't get to unilaterally decide that the car you (jointly) provide them will be new. That's a decision that has to be made jointly.

If he says no, that's a no. Unless you want a divorce in which case you will be much poorer overall. And probably sad. And you won't be able to afford to buy them any car at all.

They likely made some bad decisions in life that have led them to this point. Your husband doesn't feel like gifting them a new car from his money to reward them for that. You need to accept that and move on if you want to live together happily.

[Anonymous]

I was a SAHM for a limited period of time. My DH plans to be a SAHD for a limited period of time. I think if it is "taking turns" where both parents take some time off, it can remain egalitarian. Long-term SAHP...absolutely not, unless the person is retired (already earned a career's worth of their own income).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The finances aren't equal because the SAH spouse is legally the dependent. You can't be equal while being dependent.

yes you can. We are wealthy, and I have full access to all our money. I even manage it. If needed I would get half in a divorce after 35+ years of marriage. What one earns goes into the pot that we all share equally. However, that requires you to have an adult relationship where you communicate with each other---if you want to purchase something you discuss it (if outside of a reasonable range---I spend $500-1000 without any concern more than mentioning it. For a large purchase we will discuss more so because that's what we have always done, starting from when we were poor and had to make good fiscal decisions. So now we typically discuss stuff but normally it's more just to keep the other informed, not as a true decision making event. We both are 99% on the same page for spending money (we are still frugal).

See, here’s the thing: that’s not equal. That’s you taking advantage (financially) of your husband. If I go to work every day to make a living, and my neighbor sits on his couch playing video games all day, then the government takes half of my paycheck and gives it to him, that arrangement is a lot of things but “equal” isn’t one of them.

Maybe the arrangement makes sense for a given couple. Maybe you make up for it in other ways (though I seriously doubt it, being familiar with many SAHMs). But let’s not call it financially equal or equitable. (That would be the case if you had discretion over the portion of your DH’s income attributable to the implied dollar value of your labor. And if you’re anything like the other SAHMs in this thread, that likely consists of a few minimum wage tasks like driving people around. Good luck buying a $60k car for your parents on that.)

[Anonymous]

This entire post is misleading as the issue is buying a $50-60K car for her parents, which the mom may drive for 2-3 years so financially it doesn't make sense. Since Dad is dying, buying a $25-30K car and hiring a caregiver with the rest of the money would make much more sense. How much does mom actually drive? Or, buy a nicer 2-3 year old used car. These parents have far more needs than a fancy new car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With all of the health issues your parents have, how much longer, realistically, will they be driving? Also, because of their financial situation and health problems, the car they drive isn’t their top priority. Since your car that they have now is breaking down, they will probably be happy just to have something that is reliable.

Is the issue that you feel bad buying them a $30K car when they see your family driving $100K cars? You are completely supporting them and they are likely grateful for anything you get them.

It is bizarre that OP is acting like things aren't equal when they are and husband is buying her very expensive things. But, this isn't a good use of money. OP probably didn't need a new car and wanted one. She could have gotten one half the price and gotten mom a new car too with that $100K.