Decades long emotional affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sooooo many questions. How does one even keep up a decades long emotional affair? You never did anything physical? What was the guy even in it for? I had an emotional affair for a couple months once and the guilt was killing me. Why stay in the marriage at all?

We did meet a few times. One time had sex. Another time only oral. This was over the course of 12 years. When we first met I was single and we met to have sex quite a few times.

New poster. OP, let's total up what you've told us over several posts: You met when you were single and he was married, so, yes, you were having an affair since one of you was married. He was and is considerably older. He was in a position of authority over you in your workplace, which is the final and frankly worst part of it; the fact that you only trickled that detail out makes me wonder if you really have grasped how awful he was: Much older and effectively able to alter your job, career and therefore your life, and he and you had a sexual relationship. Even if he weren't married at that point, it still would have been a deeply inappropriate relationship. And OP, even if he was not directly your supervisor in your job then, he was still a high-up manager over your division, so ultimately, someone with power over your job.

Have you ever fully acknowledged to yourself that he was abusing his power over you? Even if he claimed he cared for you, even if he swore he had zero to do with your particular job -- he still knew he was the older and powerful one, and you were the younger one without power over him other than perhaps the power to expose the relationship. And he keeps coming back for more; not a lot sexually, but he surely knows you'd have sex with him again whenever he asked --wouldn't you? You have already, as you note above, had sex (and oral is still sex) since you both stopped the early "quite a few times" regular sex.

Please, OP, block him in every way and double down on therapy. I think you mentioned you'd had some therapy and it wasn't working? Well, time to get a new therapist ASAP. You were willing, so I can't sit here and say "He took advantage of you" freely, but I wonder if you ever have understood that he used and STILL uses his age and authority to keep you coming back to him emotionally and boosting his ego? And then, he knows sex could be on the table whenever. Another "whenever" wil come along eventually, when he wants, especially if you feel he's telegraphing that you need to have sex to keep the emotional attachment going.

I rarely come here and say "Therapy!" because it gets said so much here that it loses value, but you need to dump him entirely and learn new ways to channel your thoughts so you stop relying on him. And you need to examine the dynamic where you said yes to him in the first place. OP, please realize, he very likely has other women he has on a string like he does you. If this has gone on for decades, you've surrended thousands and thousands of hours of your life to having sex with, talking with, and thinking about someone who does not reciprocate REAL emotion, no matter what he says to the contrary. You know he's bad for you and you should suspect he's doing the same with others. Tragically, you aren't special and the "relationship" isn't special. It's a powerful man's way to get off on his power over others' emotions. You deserve better than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sooooo many questions. How does one even keep up a decades long emotional affair? You never did anything physical? What was the guy even in it for? I had an emotional affair for a couple months once and the guilt was killing me. Why stay in the marriage at all?

We did meet a few times. One time had sex. Another time only oral. This was over the course of 12 years. When we first met I was single and we met to have sex quite a few times.

New poster. OP, let's total up what you've told us over several posts: You met when you were single and he was married, so, yes, you were having an affair since one of you was married. He was and is considerably older. He was in a position of authority over you in your workplace, which is the final and frankly worst part of it; the fact that you only trickled that detail out makes me wonder if you really have grasped how awful he was: Much older and effectively able to alter your job, career and therefore your life, and he and you had a sexual relationship. Even if he weren't married at that point, it still would have been a deeply inappropriate relationship. And OP, even if he was not directly your supervisor in your job then, he was still a high-up manager over your division, so ultimately, someone with power over your job.

Have you ever fully acknowledged to yourself that he was abusing his power over you? Even if he claimed he cared for you, even if he swore he had zero to do with your particular job -- he still knew he was the older and powerful one, and you were the younger one without power over him other than perhaps the power to expose the relationship. And he keeps coming back for more; not a lot sexually, but he surely knows you'd have sex with him again whenever he asked --wouldn't you? You have already, as you note above, had sex (and oral is still sex) since you both stopped the early "quite a few times" regular sex.

Please, OP, block him in every way and double down on therapy. I think you mentioned you'd had some therapy and it wasn't working? Well, time to get a new therapist ASAP. You were willing, so I can't sit here and say "He took advantage of you" freely, but I wonder if you ever have understood that he used and STILL uses his age and authority to keep you coming back to him emotionally and boosting his ego? And then, he knows sex could be on the table whenever. Another "whenever" wil come along eventually, when he wants, especially if you feel he's telegraphing that you need to have sex to keep the emotional attachment going.

I rarely come here and say "Therapy!" because it gets said so much here that it loses value, but you need to dump him entirely and learn new ways to channel your thoughts so you stop relying on him. And you need to examine the dynamic where you said yes to him in the first place. OP, please realize, he very likely has other women he has on a string like he does you. If this has gone on for decades, you've surrended thousands and thousands of hours of your life to having sex with, talking with, and thinking about someone who does not reciprocate REAL emotion, no matter what he says to the contrary. You know he's bad for you and you should suspect he's doing the same with others. Tragically, you aren't special and the "relationship" isn't special. It's a powerful man's way to get off on his power over others' emotions. You deserve better than that.

I am the one who pursued him. He went along with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sooooo many questions. How does one even keep up a decades long emotional affair? You never did anything physical? What was the guy even in it for? I had an emotional affair for a couple months once and the guilt was killing me. Why stay in the marriage at all?

We did meet a few times. One time had sex. Another time only oral. This was over the course of 12 years. When we first met I was single and we met to have sex quite a few times.

New poster. OP, let's total up what you've told us over several posts: You met when you were single and he was married, so, yes, you were having an affair since one of you was married. He was and is considerably older. He was in a position of authority over you in your workplace, which is the final and frankly worst part of it; the fact that you only trickled that detail out makes me wonder if you really have grasped how awful he was: Much older and effectively able to alter your job, career and therefore your life, and he and you had a sexual relationship. Even if he weren't married at that point, it still would have been a deeply inappropriate relationship. And OP, even if he was not directly your supervisor in your job then, he was still a high-up manager over your division, so ultimately, someone with power over your job.

Have you ever fully acknowledged to yourself that he was abusing his power over you? Even if he claimed he cared for you, even if he swore he had zero to do with your particular job -- he still knew he was the older and powerful one, and you were the younger one without power over him other than perhaps the power to expose the relationship. And he keeps coming back for more; not a lot sexually, but he surely knows you'd have sex with him again whenever he asked --wouldn't you? You have already, as you note above, had sex (and oral is still sex) since you both stopped the early "quite a few times" regular sex.

Please, OP, block him in every way and double down on therapy. I think you mentioned you'd had some therapy and it wasn't working? Well, time to get a new therapist ASAP. You were willing, so I can't sit here and say "He took advantage of you" freely, but I wonder if you ever have understood that he used and STILL uses his age and authority to keep you coming back to him emotionally and boosting his ego? And then, he knows sex could be on the table whenever. Another "whenever" wil come along eventually, when he wants, especially if you feel he's telegraphing that you need to have sex to keep the emotional attachment going.

I rarely come here and say "Therapy!" because it gets said so much here that it loses value, but you need to dump him entirely and learn new ways to channel your thoughts so you stop relying on him. And you need to examine the dynamic where you said yes to him in the first place. OP, please realize, he very likely has other women he has on a string like he does you. If this has gone on for decades, you've surrended thousands and thousands of hours of your life to having sex with, talking with, and thinking about someone who does not reciprocate REAL emotion, no matter what he says to the contrary. You know he's bad for you and you should suspect he's doing the same with others. Tragically, you aren't special and the "relationship" isn't special. It's a powerful man's way to get off on his power over others' emotions. You deserve better than that.

I am the one who pursued him. He went along with it.

Stop pursuing married men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sooooo many questions. How does one even keep up a decades long emotional affair? You never did anything physical? What was the guy even in it for? I had an emotional affair for a couple months once and the guilt was killing me. Why stay in the marriage at all?

We did meet a few times. One time had sex. Another time only oral. This was over the course of 12 years. When we first met I was single and we met to have sex quite a few times.

New poster. OP, let's total up what you've told us over several posts: You met when you were single and he was married, so, yes, you were having an affair since one of you was married. He was and is considerably older. He was in a position of authority over you in your workplace, which is the final and frankly worst part of it; the fact that you only trickled that detail out makes me wonder if you really have grasped how awful he was: Much older and effectively able to alter your job, career and therefore your life, and he and you had a sexual relationship. Even if he weren't married at that point, it still would have been a deeply inappropriate relationship. And OP, even if he was not directly your supervisor in your job then, he was still a high-up manager over your division, so ultimately, someone with power over your job.

Have you ever fully acknowledged to yourself that he was abusing his power over you? Even if he claimed he cared for you, even if he swore he had zero to do with your particular job -- he still knew he was the older and powerful one, and you were the younger one without power over him other than perhaps the power to expose the relationship. And he keeps coming back for more; not a lot sexually, but he surely knows you'd have sex with him again whenever he asked --wouldn't you? You have already, as you note above, had sex (and oral is still sex) since you both stopped the early "quite a few times" regular sex.

Please, OP, block him in every way and double down on therapy. I think you mentioned you'd had some therapy and it wasn't working? Well, time to get a new therapist ASAP. You were willing, so I can't sit here and say "He took advantage of you" freely, but I wonder if you ever have understood that he used and STILL uses his age and authority to keep you coming back to him emotionally and boosting his ego? And then, he knows sex could be on the table whenever. Another "whenever" wil come along eventually, when he wants, especially if you feel he's telegraphing that you need to have sex to keep the emotional attachment going.

I rarely come here and say "Therapy!" because it gets said so much here that it loses value, but you need to dump him entirely and learn new ways to channel your thoughts so you stop relying on him. And you need to examine the dynamic where you said yes to him in the first place. OP, please realize, he very likely has other women he has on a string like he does you. If this has gone on for decades, you've surrended thousands and thousands of hours of your life to having sex with, talking with, and thinking about someone who does not reciprocate REAL emotion, no matter what he says to the contrary. You know he's bad for you and you should suspect he's doing the same with others. Tragically, you aren't special and the "relationship" isn't special. It's a powerful man's way to get off on his power over others' emotions. You deserve better than that.

I am the one who pursued him. He went along with it.

And you still need therapy and still need to end this "decades long" entanglement which will never grow or change but only will keep you on a string. Can't you see that?

The fact you pursued him doesn't make things any better, either. It was still a hugely inappropriate relationship of a subordinate with a higher-up. I'm guessing that no longer matters in your mind after so long but it begs the question of whether you ever felt any sense that it was inappropriate of you to pursuse and of him to "go along" -- and "he went along with it" sounds almost as if you absolve him of any agency in the affair that started the whole long relationship. Surely he wasn't some passive participant. And I would wager that it's still true that he gets off on the power dynamic and on your emotional need for him, and he still is possibly doing this with other women over the years, not just you. But you want to dismiss the negative start of yoiur relationship by merely saying "I started it, he just went along."

Get professional, real help and excise him from your life unless you want to go on for more decades and end up saying, "I gave up so much of my life to an attachment I allowed to suck away my attention from the rest of my relationships and myself, for someone who wasn't going to ever be with me in reality."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sooooo many questions. How does one even keep up a decades long emotional affair? You never did anything physical? What was the guy even in it for? I had an emotional affair for a couple months once and the guilt was killing me. Why stay in the marriage at all?

We did meet a few times. One time had sex. Another time only oral. This was over the course of 12 years. When we first met I was single and we met to have sex quite a few times.

New poster. OP, let's total up what you've told us over several posts: You met when you were single and he was married, so, yes, you were having an affair since one of you was married. He was and is considerably older. He was in a position of authority over you in your workplace, which is the final and frankly worst part of it; the fact that you only trickled that detail out makes me wonder if you really have grasped how awful he was: Much older and effectively able to alter your job, career and therefore your life, and he and you had a sexual relationship. Even if he weren't married at that point, it still would have been a deeply inappropriate relationship. And OP, even if he was not directly your supervisor in your job then, he was still a high-up manager over your division, so ultimately, someone with power over your job.

Have you ever fully acknowledged to yourself that he was abusing his power over you? Even if he claimed he cared for you, even if he swore he had zero to do with your particular job -- he still knew he was the older and powerful one, and you were the younger one without power over him other than perhaps the power to expose the relationship. And he keeps coming back for more; not a lot sexually, but he surely knows you'd have sex with him again whenever he asked --wouldn't you? You have already, as you note above, had sex (and oral is still sex) since you both stopped the early "quite a few times" regular sex.

Please, OP, block him in every way and double down on therapy. I think you mentioned you'd had some therapy and it wasn't working? Well, time to get a new therapist ASAP. You were willing, so I can't sit here and say "He took advantage of you" freely, but I wonder if you ever have understood that he used and STILL uses his age and authority to keep you coming back to him emotionally and boosting his ego? And then, he knows sex could be on the table whenever. Another "whenever" wil come along eventually, when he wants, especially if you feel he's telegraphing that you need to have sex to keep the emotional attachment going.

I rarely come here and say "Therapy!" because it gets said so much here that it loses value, but you need to dump him entirely and learn new ways to channel your thoughts so you stop relying on him. And you need to examine the dynamic where you said yes to him in the first place. OP, please realize, he very likely has other women he has on a string like he does you. If this has gone on for decades, you've surrended thousands and thousands of hours of your life to having sex with, talking with, and thinking about someone who does not reciprocate REAL emotion, no matter what he says to the contrary. You know he's bad for you and you should suspect he's doing the same with others. Tragically, you aren't special and the "relationship" isn't special. It's a powerful man's way to get off on his power over others' emotions. You deserve better than that.

I am the one who pursued him. He went along with it.

And you still need therapy and still need to end this "decades long" entanglement which will never grow or change but only will keep you on a string. Can't you see that?

The fact you pursued him doesn't make things any better, either. It was still a hugely inappropriate relationship of a subordinate with a higher-up. I'm guessing that no longer matters in your mind after so long but it begs the question of whether you ever felt any sense that it was inappropriate of you to pursuse and of him to "go along" -- and "he went along with it" sounds almost as if you absolve him of any agency in the affair that started the whole long relationship. Surely he wasn't some passive participant. And I would wager that it's still true that he gets off on the power dynamic and on your emotional need for him, and he still is possibly doing this with other women over the years, not just you. But you want to dismiss the negative start of yoiur relationship by merely saying "I started it, he just went along."

Get professional, real help and excise him from your life unless you want to go on for more decades and end up saying, "I gave up so much of my life to an attachment I allowed to suck away my attention from the rest of my relationships and myself, for someone who wasn't going to ever be with me in reality."

This I am doing.

[Anonymous]

OP the thing to realize is that even if you pursued him he should not have reciprocated, as he was a) married b) your superior c) significantly older and more advantaged, enough to know that you and he would have disparate consequences from this. For him, there is little risk of his wife leaving him. For you, if your husband finds out you a) did this and b) have been lying to him this entire time, you and your marriage are toast. As a man he absolutely knew this, and went ahead anyway, without your best interest in mind. You have to realize he knew from day one that he would not be leaving his wife and that this was a dead end for you. You, who were a 23 years younger woman, who as a result went on to marry and have 2 kids with someone she didn’t love.

Take home message is, do not prioritize someone who has not prioritized you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in a similar situation for about 8 years. Not that large of an age difference though. I was getting from him what was missing in my marriage. You have to end it and make serious decisions. You either fix your marriage or divorce and then find someone who better meets your needs. If you don't you will fall into another emotional type affair. It was a pattern for me, but 8 years was the longest.

8 years of emotional affair and no sex and it’s a pattern?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in a similar situation for about 8 years. Not that large of an age difference though. I was getting from him what was missing in my marriage. You have to end it and make serious decisions. You either fix your marriage or divorce and then find someone who better meets your needs. If you don't you will fall into another emotional type affair. It was a pattern for me, but 8 years was the longest.

8 years of emotional affair and no sex and it’s a pattern?

I think she means a pattern of repeated emotional affairs to fill the vacuum at home.