Decades long emotional affair

[Anonymous]

Has anyone had a decades long emotional affair they finally ended? Did it improve their marriage? I’ve been talking on the side to someone for decades. For my mental health have cut it off but it’s hard for me as this person has been a secret friend for years. I thought it was NBD but now wondering if it’s why my marriage is so terrible?

[Anonymous]

Yes. Marriage still under construction.

[Anonymous]

Sooooo many questions. How does one even keep up a decades long emotional affair? You never did anything physical? What was the guy even in it for? I had an emotional affair for a couple months once and the guilt was killing me. Why stay in the marriage at all?

[Anonymous]

It depends what both your expectations were, how you used your connection, etc. This was not an affair, but if you ended up feeling uncomfortable, it was best to end it.

I have a husband with Asperger's. I need to get emotional connection from friends, because I'm certainly not getting it from him. But there is no intent of cheating physically, and no one ever attempts to bring the relationship to that point, so I consider my male and female friends in the same way... as friends. I have affection for all of them.

Now if you tell a male friend you love them, and it becomes platonically romantic... then you have a problem. But I believe you can be friends with both men and women without getting to that point.

[Anonymous]

Secrets affect marriages since they are divisive. It absolutely harmed yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends what both your expectations were, how you used your connection, etc. This was not an affair, but if you ended up feeling uncomfortable, it was best to end it.

I have a husband with Asperger's. I need to get emotional connection from friends, because I'm certainly not getting it from him. But there is no intent of cheating physically, and no one ever attempts to bring the relationship to that point, so I consider my male and female friends in the same way... as friends. I have affection for all of them.

Now if you tell a male friend you love them, and it becomes platonically romantic... then you have a problem. But I believe you can be friends with both men and women without getting to that point.

An emotional affair is not a friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends what both your expectations were, how you used your connection, etc. This was not an affair, but if you ended up feeling uncomfortable, it was best to end it.

I have a husband with Asperger's. I need to get emotional connection from friends, because I'm certainly not getting it from him. But there is no intent of cheating physically, and no one ever attempts to bring the relationship to that point, so I consider my male and female friends in the same way... as friends. I have affection for all of them.

Now if you tell a male friend you love them, and it becomes platonically romantic... then you have a problem. But I believe you can be friends with both men and women without getting to that point.

Spouses don’t hide friends that are on the up and up. It was an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sooooo many questions. How does one even keep up a decades long emotional affair? You never did anything physical? What was the guy even in it for? I had an emotional affair for a couple months once and the guilt was killing me. Why stay in the marriage at all?

We did meet a few times. One time had sex. Another time only oral. This was over the course of 12 years. When we first met I was single and we met to have sex quite a few times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sooooo many questions. How does one even keep up a decades long emotional affair? You never did anything physical? What was the guy even in it for? I had an emotional affair for a couple months once and the guilt was killing me. Why stay in the marriage at all?

We did meet a few times. One time had sex. Another time only oral. This was over the course of 12 years. When we first met I was single and we met to have sex quite a few times.

Did you have sex while either of you were married to someone else? If you were married and had sex with this person, then isn’t it just an affair where you haven’t had sex that much? Why did you keep the relationship going when you got married? What were you getting out of it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sooooo many questions. How does one even keep up a decades long emotional affair? You never did anything physical? What was the guy even in it for? I had an emotional affair for a couple months once and the guilt was killing me. Why stay in the marriage at all?

We did meet a few times. One time had sex. Another time only oral. This was over the course of 12 years. When we first met I was single and we met to have sex quite a few times.

Did you have sex while either of you were married to someone else? If you were married and had sex with this person, then isn’t it just an affair where you haven’t had sex that much? Why did you keep the relationship going when you got married? What were you getting out of it?

We are both married. I was single and he was married when we first met.

I am not sure why we kept the relationship going. I enjoyed talking to him and assume he got an ego boost out of me. I’d like to better understand myself but haven’t gotten anywhere with therapists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sooooo many questions. How does one even keep up a decades long emotional affair? You never did anything physical? What was the guy even in it for? I had an emotional affair for a couple months once and the guilt was killing me. Why stay in the marriage at all?

We did meet a few times. One time had sex. Another time only oral. This was over the course of 12 years. When we first met I was single and we met to have sex quite a few times.

Did you have sex while either of you were married to someone else? If you were married and had sex with this person, then isn’t it just an affair where you haven’t had sex that much? Why did you keep the relationship going when you got married? What were you getting out of it?

We are both married. I was single and he was married when we first met.

I am not sure why we kept the relationship going. I enjoyed talking to him and assume he got an ego boost out of me. I’d like to better understand myself but haven’t gotten anywhere with therapists.

It’s simple. You love him but he didn’t love you enough to leave his wife for you. You supplied free sex and connection. You knew he would not leave his wife so “moved on” with your life and married someone else you didn’t fully love as much. You kept up the emotional affair with the person you care deeply for and who knows the real you, all of you, which your husband does not. The AP keeps it up bc he knows if he doesn’t you may feel rejected, turn on him, and tell his wife. But since you have MAD (mutually assured destruction) he’s counting on that for you to keep your mouth shut.

[Anonymous]

This isn’t an emotional affair, it’s an affair with intermittent sex. Having this relationship is so so unfair to your spouse - it’s energy that you should have put into your marriage. Your marriage can improve when you go no contact with your AP and do a lot of work with on yourself, figuring out why you did this and thought it was ok and learning to set and enforce boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t an emotional affair, it’s an affair with intermittent sex. Having this relationship is so so unfair to your spouse - it’s energy that you should have put into your marriage. Your marriage can improve when you go no contact with your AP and do a lot of work with on yourself, figuring out why you did this and thought it was ok and learning to set and enforce boundaries.

In my experience, the figuring out why you did it can be futile. You can assign blame to trauma, foo issues, boredom, etc.; ultimately, you effed around and found out, as the kids on TikTok say. The affair didn’t make you happy. You aren’t the same entitled, hopeful romantic you once were. Work on what is real and in front of you: your marriage and family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sooooo many questions. How does one even keep up a decades long emotional affair? You never did anything physical? What was the guy even in it for? I had an emotional affair for a couple months once and the guilt was killing me. Why stay in the marriage at all?

We did meet a few times. One time had sex. Another time only oral. This was over the course of 12 years. When we first met I was single and we met to have sex quite a few times.

I mean, this is not an emotional affair then

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sooooo many questions. How does one even keep up a decades long emotional affair? You never did anything physical? What was the guy even in it for? I had an emotional affair for a couple months once and the guilt was killing me. Why stay in the marriage at all?

We did meet a few times. One time had sex. Another time only oral. This was over the course of 12 years. When we first met I was single and we met to have sex quite a few times.

Did you have sex while either of you were married to someone else? If you were married and had sex with this person, then isn’t it just an affair where you haven’t had sex that much? Why did you keep the relationship going when you got married? What were you getting out of it?

We are both married. I was single and he was married when we first met.

I am not sure why we kept the relationship going. I enjoyed talking to him and assume he got an ego boost out of me. I’d like to better understand myself but haven’t gotten anywhere with therapists.

It’s simple. You love him but he didn’t love you enough to leave his wife for you. You supplied free sex and connection. You knew he would not leave his wife so “moved on” with your life and married someone else you didn’t fully love as much. You kept up the emotional affair with the person you care deeply for and who knows the real you, all of you, which your husband does not. The AP keeps it up bc he knows if he doesn’t you may feel rejected, turn on him, and tell his wife. But since you have MAD (mutually assured destruction) he’s counting on that for you to keep your mouth shut.

OP here. I think what you described is it.