Decades long emotional affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Sooooo many questions. How does one even keep up a decades long emotional affair? You never did anything physical? What was the guy even in it for? I had an emotional affair for a couple months once and the guilt was killing me. Why stay in the marriage at all?

We did meet a few times. One time had sex. Another time only oral. This was over the course of 12 years. When we first met I was single and we met to have sex quite a few times.

Did you have sex while either of you were married to someone else? If you were married and had sex with this person, then isn’t it just an affair where you haven’t had sex that much? Why did you keep the relationship going when you got married? What were you getting out of it?

We are both married. I was single and he was married when we first met.

I am not sure why we kept the relationship going. I enjoyed talking to him and assume he got an ego boost out of me. I’d like to better understand myself but haven’t gotten anywhere with therapists.

It’s simple. You love him but he didn’t love you enough to leave his wife for you. You supplied free sex and connection. You knew he would not leave his wife so “moved on” with your life and married someone else you didn’t fully love as much. You kept up the emotional affair with the person you care deeply for and who knows the real you, all of you, which your husband does not. The AP keeps it up bc he knows if he doesn’t you may feel rejected, turn on him, and tell his wife. But since you have MAD (mutually assured destruction) he’s counting on that for you to keep your mouth shut.

OP here. I think what you described is it.

This is a good example of women playing checkers while men are playing chess.

Not sure what he is winning in this “chess” game other than having a low character….

Some men are deliriously vile—they could be morally destitute, filthy, rolling in a pile of steaming pig shxt and still gleefully think “LOL, got laid don’t care!”

[Anonymous]

I think the only way to move forward is to cut off all contact. That is what I did when I got married. I still think of him from time to time. No way I could feel the feelings I have with my spouse if I stayed in contact with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sooooo many questions. How does one even keep up a decades long emotional affair? You never did anything physical? What was the guy even in it for? I had an emotional affair for a couple months once and the guilt was killing me. Why stay in the marriage at all?

We did meet a few times. One time had sex. Another time only oral. This was over the course of 12 years. When we first met I was single and we met to have sex quite a few times.

Did you have sex while either of you were married to someone else? If you were married and had sex with this person, then isn’t it just an affair where you haven’t had sex that much? Why did you keep the relationship going when you got married? What were you getting out of it?

We are both married. I was single and he was married when we first met.

I am not sure why we kept the relationship going. I enjoyed talking to him and assume he got an ego boost out of me. I’d like to better understand myself but haven’t gotten anywhere with therapists.

It’s simple. You love him but he didn’t love you enough to leave his wife for you. You supplied free sex and connection. You knew he would not leave his wife so “moved on” with your life and married someone else you didn’t fully love as much. You kept up the emotional affair with the person you care deeply for and who knows the real you, all of you, which your husband does not. The AP keeps it up bc he knows if he doesn’t you may feel rejected, turn on him, and tell his wife. But since you have MAD (mutually assured destruction) he’s counting on that for you to keep your mouth shut.

OP here. I think what you described is it.

This is a good example of women playing checkers while men are playing chess.

Not sure what he is winning in this “chess” game other than having a low character….

Some men are deliriously vile—they could be morally destitute, filthy, rolling in a pile of steaming pig shxt and still gleefully think “LOL, got laid don’t care!”

This. He got sex, intimacy, attention, validation, and continued to place kindling on the fire indefinitely in the hope it might ignite to sex again—which is much better/safer with someone who is already a known quantity than if he had to start over.

[Anonymous]

I was in a similar situation for about 8 years. Not that large of an age difference though. I was getting from him what was missing in my marriage. You have to end it and make serious decisions. You either fix your marriage or divorce and then find someone who better meets your needs. If you don't you will fall into another emotional type affair. It was a pattern for me, but 8 years was the longest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in a similar situation for about 8 years. Not that large of an age difference though. I was getting from him what was missing in my marriage. You have to end it and make serious decisions. You either fix your marriage or divorce and then find someone who better meets your needs. If you don't you will fall into another emotional type affair. It was a pattern for me, but 8 years was the longest.

Did you fix your marriage? I ended it and left mine.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m sorry but you found really broken. Do you sincerely believe your life would be better with the AP? It would not. You know it would not - he is using you and you have bought into some fantasy of him that does not exist. Do you have trauma on your background? Your posts give off a vibe of real insecurity. I think it’s interesting that you have not expressed any remorse or recognition of how unfair this is to your spouse and the trauma it would cause him and to your family.

[Anonymous]

I don’t even understand emotional affairs with no physical contact…which does not apply to the OP. What does anyone get out of it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m sorry but you found really broken. Do you sincerely believe your life would be better with the AP? It would not. You know it would not - he is using you and you have bought into some fantasy of him that does not exist. Do you have trauma on your background? Your posts give off a vibe of real insecurity. I think it’s interesting that you have not expressed any remorse or recognition of how unfair this is to your spouse and the trauma it would cause him and to your family.

It’s bc she knew the AP first. That’s her emotional core. She has concealed it her entire marriage and her husband doesn’t really know her the way he thinks he does. It sounds like she has been unfaithful essentially since before they even married (I’m assuming she never told her DH about her relationship with the AP). OP, it will be very hard, but letting it go will eventually bring you more clarity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t even understand emotional affairs with no physical contact…which does not apply to the OP. What does anyone get out of it?

That’s not what this is. This is two people who have an attachment that they acted on—a lot before she was married, and a little since.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the only way to move forward is to cut off all contact. That is what I did when I got married. I still think of him from time to time. No way I could feel the feelings I have with my spouse if I stayed in contact with him.

Any luck I’ll get there with my spouse? I want to fully focus on him and my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m sorry but you found really broken. Do you sincerely believe your life would be better with the AP? It would not. You know it would not - he is using you and you have bought into some fantasy of him that does not exist. Do you have trauma on your background? Your posts give off a vibe of real insecurity. I think it’s interesting that you have not expressed any remorse or recognition of how unfair this is to your spouse and the trauma it would cause him and to your family.

That seems obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Play hurtful games with painful prizes OP. Live and learn.

You really need a new catch phrase.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t even understand emotional affairs with no physical contact…which does not apply to the OP. What does anyone get out of it?

That’s not what this is. This is two people who have an attachment that they acted on—a lot before she was married, and a little since.

I noted that in my post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t even understand emotional affairs with no physical contact…which does not apply to the OP. What does anyone get out of it?

That’s not what this is. This is two people who have an attachment that they acted on—a lot before she was married, and a little since.

I noted that in my post.

So what is your point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t even understand emotional affairs with no physical contact…which does not apply to the OP. What does anyone get out of it?

That’s not what this is. This is two people who have an attachment that they acted on—a lot before she was married, and a little since.

I noted that in my post.

The “a little since” is a pretty big frickin deal. It was during the marriage.