Decades long emotional affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sooooo many questions. How does one even keep up a decades long emotional affair? You never did anything physical? What was the guy even in it for? I had an emotional affair for a couple months once and the guilt was killing me. Why stay in the marriage at all?

We did meet a few times. One time had sex. Another time only oral. This was over the course of 12 years. When we first met I was single and we met to have sex quite a few times.

Did you have sex while either of you were married to someone else? If you were married and had sex with this person, then isn’t it just an affair where you haven’t had sex that much? Why did you keep the relationship going when you got married? What were you getting out of it?

We are both married. I was single and he was married when we first met.

I am not sure why we kept the relationship going. I enjoyed talking to him and assume he got an ego boost out of me. I’d like to better understand myself but haven’t gotten anywhere with therapists.

It’s simple. You love him but he didn’t love you enough to leave his wife for you. You supplied free sex and connection. You knew he would not leave his wife so “moved on” with your life and married someone else you didn’t fully love as much. You kept up the emotional affair with the person you care deeply for and who knows the real you, all of you, which your husband does not. The AP keeps it up bc he knows if he doesn’t you may feel rejected, turn on him, and tell his wife. But since you have MAD (mutually assured destruction) he’s counting on that for you to keep your mouth shut.

OP here. I think what you described is it.

Sorry OP. It hurts a lot. More than you probably realized it would when you got together with him. If you don’t mind my asking, how did you origknow him and what is the age difference?

[Anonymous]

The amount of pain this would cause me if I found out my spouse was doing this…. You better get your head in straight and figure out how and why you are doing this. Do you have children? Are you the child of an alcoholic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The amount of pain this would cause me if I found out my spouse was doing this…. You better get your head in straight and figure out how and why you are doing this. Do you have children? Are you the child of an alcoholic?

I’m not doing it anymore. Feel terrible. Have 2 elementary school kids. Not the child of an alcoholic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sooooo many questions. How does one even keep up a decades long emotional affair? You never did anything physical? What was the guy even in it for? I had an emotional affair for a couple months once and the guilt was killing me. Why stay in the marriage at all?

We did meet a few times. One time had sex. Another time only oral. This was over the course of 12 years. When we first met I was single and we met to have sex quite a few times.

Did you have sex while either of you were married to someone else? If you were married and had sex with this person, then isn’t it just an affair where you haven’t had sex that much? Why did you keep the relationship going when you got married? What were you getting out of it?

We are both married. I was single and he was married when we first met.

I am not sure why we kept the relationship going. I enjoyed talking to him and assume he got an ego boost out of me. I’d like to better understand myself but haven’t gotten anywhere with therapists.

It’s simple. You love him but he didn’t love you enough to leave his wife for you. You supplied free sex and connection. You knew he would not leave his wife so “moved on” with your life and married someone else you didn’t fully love as much. You kept up the emotional affair with the person you care deeply for and who knows the real you, all of you, which your husband does not. The AP keeps it up bc he knows if he doesn’t you may feel rejected, turn on him, and tell his wife. But since you have MAD (mutually assured destruction) he’s counting on that for you to keep your mouth shut.

OP here. I think what you described is it.

Sorry OP. It hurts a lot. More than you probably realized it would when you got together with him. If you don’t mind my asking, how did you origknow him and what is the age difference?

Work. He is 23 years older than I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sooooo many questions. How does one even keep up a decades long emotional affair? You never did anything physical? What was the guy even in it for? I had an emotional affair for a couple months once and the guilt was killing me. Why stay in the marriage at all?

We did meet a few times. One time had sex. Another time only oral. This was over the course of 12 years. When we first met I was single and we met to have sex quite a few times.

Did you have sex while either of you were married to someone else? If you were married and had sex with this person, then isn’t it just an affair where you haven’t had sex that much? Why did you keep the relationship going when you got married? What were you getting out of it?

We are both married. I was single and he was married when we first met.

I am not sure why we kept the relationship going. I enjoyed talking to him and assume he got an ego boost out of me. I’d like to better understand myself but haven’t gotten anywhere with therapists.

It’s simple. You love him but he didn’t love you enough to leave his wife for you. You supplied free sex and connection. You knew he would not leave his wife so “moved on” with your life and married someone else you didn’t fully love as much. You kept up the emotional affair with the person you care deeply for and who knows the real you, all of you, which your husband does not. The AP keeps it up bc he knows if he doesn’t you may feel rejected, turn on him, and tell his wife. But since you have MAD (mutually assured destruction) he’s counting on that for you to keep your mouth shut.

OP here. I think what you described is it.

Sorry OP. It hurts a lot. More than you probably realized it would when you got together with him. If you don’t mind my asking, how did you origknow him and what is the age difference?

Work. He is 23 years older than I am.

What was his relationship to you at work? Was he a mentor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The amount of pain this would cause me if I found out my spouse was doing this…. You better get your head in straight and figure out how and why you are doing this. Do you have children? Are you the child of an alcoholic?

I’m not doing it anymore. Feel terrible. Have 2 elementary school kids. Not the child of an alcoholic.

Girl, therapy. You let this go on for so long and now the pain is disproportionately worse. You should have dumped this guy before you even got married!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone had a decades long emotional affair they finally ended? Did it improve their marriage? I’ve been talking on the side to someone for decades. For my mental health have cut it off but it’s hard for me as this person has been a secret friend for years. I thought it was NBD but now wondering if it’s why my marriage is so terrible?

OP what did you talk about with this person, what void did they fill and do you think the age difference has anything to do with your strong feelings about getting attention from this particular person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sooooo many questions. How does one even keep up a decades long emotional affair? You never did anything physical? What was the guy even in it for? I had an emotional affair for a couple months once and the guilt was killing me. Why stay in the marriage at all?

We did meet a few times. One time had sex. Another time only oral. This was over the course of 12 years. When we first met I was single and we met to have sex quite a few times.

Did you have sex while either of you were married to someone else? If you were married and had sex with this person, then isn’t it just an affair where you haven’t had sex that much? Why did you keep the relationship going when you got married? What were you getting out of it?

We are both married. I was single and he was married when we first met.

I am not sure why we kept the relationship going. I enjoyed talking to him and assume he got an ego boost out of me. I’d like to better understand myself but haven’t gotten anywhere with therapists.

It’s simple. You love him but he didn’t love you enough to leave his wife for you. You supplied free sex and connection. You knew he would not leave his wife so “moved on” with your life and married someone else you didn’t fully love as much. You kept up the emotional affair with the person you care deeply for and who knows the real you, all of you, which your husband does not. The AP keeps it up bc he knows if he doesn’t you may feel rejected, turn on him, and tell his wife. But since you have MAD (mutually assured destruction) he’s counting on that for you to keep your mouth shut.

OP here. I think what you described is it.

Sorry OP. It hurts a lot. More than you probably realized it would when you got together with him. If you don’t mind my asking, how did you origknow him and what is the age difference?

Work. He is 23 years older than I am.

What was his relationship to you at work? Was he a mentor?

He was head of my division.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sooooo many questions. How does one even keep up a decades long emotional affair? You never did anything physical? What was the guy even in it for? I had an emotional affair for a couple months once and the guilt was killing me. Why stay in the marriage at all?

We did meet a few times. One time had sex. Another time only oral. This was over the course of 12 years. When we first met I was single and we met to have sex quite a few times.

Did you have sex while either of you were married to someone else? If you were married and had sex with this person, then isn’t it just an affair where you haven’t had sex that much? Why did you keep the relationship going when you got married? What were you getting out of it?

We are both married. I was single and he was married when we first met.

I am not sure why we kept the relationship going. I enjoyed talking to him and assume he got an ego boost out of me. I’d like to better understand myself but haven’t gotten anywhere with therapists.

It’s simple. You love him but he didn’t love you enough to leave his wife for you. You supplied free sex and connection. You knew he would not leave his wife so “moved on” with your life and married someone else you didn’t fully love as much. You kept up the emotional affair with the person you care deeply for and who knows the real you, all of you, which your husband does not. The AP keeps it up bc he knows if he doesn’t you may feel rejected, turn on him, and tell his wife. But since you have MAD (mutually assured destruction) he’s counting on that for you to keep your mouth shut.

OP here. I think what you described is it.

Sorry OP. It hurts a lot. More than you probably realized it would when you got together with him. If you don’t mind my asking, how did you origknow him and what is the age difference?

Work. He is 23 years older than I am.

What was his relationship to you at work? Was he a mentor?

He was head of my division.

Curious what field if you feel comfortable saying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sooooo many questions. How does one even keep up a decades long emotional affair? You never did anything physical? What was the guy even in it for? I had an emotional affair for a couple months once and the guilt was killing me. Why stay in the marriage at all?

We did meet a few times. One time had sex. Another time only oral. This was over the course of 12 years. When we first met I was single and we met to have sex quite a few times.

Did you have sex while either of you were married to someone else? If you were married and had sex with this person, then isn’t it just an affair where you haven’t had sex that much? Why did you keep the relationship going when you got married? What were you getting out of it?

We are both married. I was single and he was married when we first met.

I am not sure why we kept the relationship going. I enjoyed talking to him and assume he got an ego boost out of me. I’d like to better understand myself but haven’t gotten anywhere with therapists.

It’s simple. You love him but he didn’t love you enough to leave his wife for you. You supplied free sex and connection. You knew he would not leave his wife so “moved on” with your life and married someone else you didn’t fully love as much. You kept up the emotional affair with the person you care deeply for and who knows the real you, all of you, which your husband does not. The AP keeps it up bc he knows if he doesn’t you may feel rejected, turn on him, and tell his wife. But since you have MAD (mutually assured destruction) he’s counting on that for you to keep your mouth shut.

OP here. I think what you described is it.

Sorry OP. It hurts a lot. More than you probably realized it would when you got together with him. If you don’t mind my asking, how did you origknow him and what is the age difference?

Work. He is 23 years older than I am.

What was his relationship to you at work? Was he a mentor?

He was head of my division.

Curious what field if you feel comfortable saying?

Given that OP is spreading it with her direct supervisor, she's obviously getting job related benefits from it (for example job security). Not sure why she's posting, looks like everyone except spouses is ok with this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sooooo many questions. How does one even keep up a decades long emotional affair? You never did anything physical? What was the guy even in it for? I had an emotional affair for a couple months once and the guilt was killing me. Why stay in the marriage at all?

We did meet a few times. One time had sex. Another time only oral. This was over the course of 12 years. When we first met I was single and we met to have sex quite a few times.

Did you have sex while either of you were married to someone else? If you were married and had sex with this person, then isn’t it just an affair where you haven’t had sex that much? Why did you keep the relationship going when you got married? What were you getting out of it?

We are both married. I was single and he was married when we first met.

I am not sure why we kept the relationship going. I enjoyed talking to him and assume he got an ego boost out of me. I’d like to better understand myself but haven’t gotten anywhere with therapists.

It’s simple. You love him but he didn’t love you enough to leave his wife for you. You supplied free sex and connection. You knew he would not leave his wife so “moved on” with your life and married someone else you didn’t fully love as much. You kept up the emotional affair with the person you care deeply for and who knows the real you, all of you, which your husband does not. The AP keeps it up bc he knows if he doesn’t you may feel rejected, turn on him, and tell his wife. But since you have MAD (mutually assured destruction) he’s counting on that for you to keep your mouth shut.

OP here. I think what you described is it.

Sorry OP. It hurts a lot. More than you probably realized it would when you got together with him. If you don’t mind my asking, how did you origknow him and what is the age difference?

Work. He is 23 years older than I am.

What was his relationship to you at work? Was he a mentor?

He was head of my division.

OP I strongly urge you to read Sex in the Forbidden Zone by Peter Rutter MD. Some of the gender stereotypes are dated but it is highly relevant to your situation. Most therapists are not competent in this area it seems.

[Anonymous]

Play hurtful games with painful prizes OP. Live and learn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sooooo many questions. How does one even keep up a decades long emotional affair? You never did anything physical? What was the guy even in it for? I had an emotional affair for a couple months once and the guilt was killing me. Why stay in the marriage at all?

We did meet a few times. One time had sex. Another time only oral. This was over the course of 12 years. When we first met I was single and we met to have sex quite a few times.

Did you have sex while either of you were married to someone else? If you were married and had sex with this person, then isn’t it just an affair where you haven’t had sex that much? Why did you keep the relationship going when you got married? What were you getting out of it?

We are both married. I was single and he was married when we first met.

I am not sure why we kept the relationship going. I enjoyed talking to him and assume he got an ego boost out of me. I’d like to better understand myself but haven’t gotten anywhere with therapists.

It’s simple. You love him but he didn’t love you enough to leave his wife for you. You supplied free sex and connection. You knew he would not leave his wife so “moved on” with your life and married someone else you didn’t fully love as much. You kept up the emotional affair with the person you care deeply for and who knows the real you, all of you, which your husband does not. The AP keeps it up bc he knows if he doesn’t you may feel rejected, turn on him, and tell his wife. But since you have MAD (mutually assured destruction) he’s counting on that for you to keep your mouth shut.

OP here. I think what you described is it.

This is a good example of women playing checkers while men are playing chess.

[Anonymous]

OP does his wife know?

Just remember the consequences of discovery for married men are not the same as those for married women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sooooo many questions. How does one even keep up a decades long emotional affair? You never did anything physical? What was the guy even in it for? I had an emotional affair for a couple months once and the guilt was killing me. Why stay in the marriage at all?

We did meet a few times. One time had sex. Another time only oral. This was over the course of 12 years. When we first met I was single and we met to have sex quite a few times.

Did you have sex while either of you were married to someone else? If you were married and had sex with this person, then isn’t it just an affair where you haven’t had sex that much? Why did you keep the relationship going when you got married? What were you getting out of it?

We are both married. I was single and he was married when we first met.

I am not sure why we kept the relationship going. I enjoyed talking to him and assume he got an ego boost out of me. I’d like to better understand myself but haven’t gotten anywhere with therapists.

It’s simple. You love him but he didn’t love you enough to leave his wife for you. You supplied free sex and connection. You knew he would not leave his wife so “moved on” with your life and married someone else you didn’t fully love as much. You kept up the emotional affair with the person you care deeply for and who knows the real you, all of you, which your husband does not. The AP keeps it up bc he knows if he doesn’t you may feel rejected, turn on him, and tell his wife. But since you have MAD (mutually assured destruction) he’s counting on that for you to keep your mouth shut.

OP here. I think what you described is it.

This is a good example of women playing checkers while men are playing chess.

Not sure what he is winning in this “chess” game other than having a low character….