Wife has a lazy, procrastinator streak

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let. It. Go.
You are arguing /harping on this for over a year? Drop it. Maybe she doesn't want to hand that over to you, maybe she just doesn't think it's important, maybe she keeps forgetting. Who knows. Either way, she is making a choice not to do it - you may not think that's the right choice, but it's her choice.

It's almost 3k, you must be doing well if that's "forget about it" pocket change for you.

I had the same thought. You don't "let it go" when it is real money being wasted.

I think the wife is avoiding commingling. Especially if their finances are such that this is real money, it’s probably a smart move.

Nah it likely truly is just avoiding an undesired task. I still have old 401ks I haven't rolled over and it's not because I don't want joint $$, it's just, as OP so kindly and lovingly puts it, laziness

[Anonymous]

This is absolutely me.

I thought I was a helpless, lazy procrastinator until the last ~1 year or so and I've done a lot of reading on ADHD and I'm completely sure that I have it. (I haven't pursued an official diagnosis mostly because I don't think it's going to make a difference, and also because I can't handle the administrative tasks of getting started down that path.)

I've found resources / guidance targeted to those with ADHD to be really helpful and given me tools to address some of these issues. And I've found that re-framing this as a part of my chemistry vs. just being lazy and incompetent at basic tasks has helped my mental state.

All that to say - I think ADHD is a real possibility for your wife.

[Anonymous]

Well, op, you married her, what attracted you her to the point that you took her on a date, then another, then another, and then proposed marriage?
What things did she let mom and dad do that you didn’t like? How exactly did that work with you two being married? Since marriage means you are a unit, might I suggest that you let her parents make decisions for you too?

I can understand if this bond issue is forcing things to a head, sometimes you really do need your spouse to get off their behind and do something, as in you may be able to make an appointment for her, but you can’t make her actually go to the appointment. I “get” it if you don’t want to be married to her anymore.

It also jumped out at me that she wants you to drive her to the appointment with BOA that’s weird. Might she have other mental health issues going on? BOA is everywhere, she doesn’t need to drive in the city to get to one. Paying a fee to have the bond paperwork notarized someplace else and driving in the city are not the only two options, which makes me wonder what all is going on with her, I’ve only seen mentally ill people think in such binary terms and then refuse to take either viable approach. It’s also strange that she’d be so incapable of acting when the amount of bonds is so large, what’s going on there? Do you guys live in the city? That’s another place where people who can’t function tend to gravitate, way too easy to have things brought to you and way too easy to mask any weird behavior under the guise of “you can’t trust people” “I get anxious” “This crowd, why are all these people outside on a glorious spring day” “It’s just a few drinks and I’m not driving” things that really don’t work in the suburbs.

Whatever you do, you need to lay off the parents made her this way, maybe they did.. maybe they tried to teach her skill sets she just for whatever reason didn’t pick up. Most parents do the best they can with the information and resources they have at any given moment, and every parent looks back and thinks “If I were doing this today I’d have..” Fine to keep the parents out of your house if they are say coming into clean, not fine to say they made her life too easy for her even if you think it’s true.

If it were me, I’d drive her to the bank, get the bonds sorted out and then go have a nice lunch or something. The longer you stay married, the easier it will be for you to do tasks that formerly only she could do just because paperwork can be in your name now, i.e. the cell phone bill can be in your name, not hers. Then I’d ignore the “let’s go run” unless you’re really looking forward to running with her talk. Are you, or are you just mad she isn’t doing what she said she would?

Again, divorce is an option. I might be thinking about that only because the hesitancy over the bonds and the rationale behind it would make me wonder if I was dealing with someone with depression, anxiety alcoholism, or some other behavior I personally don’t care to be married to. As one poster said “anxious wife, weird life” which is what you may be finally becoming aware of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s called ADHD.

Would it be called that if it were the husband? Or man child?

ADHD, absolutely.

Why can't it just be lazy procrastinator? I'm pretty sure I'm a lazy procrastinator (here I am on DCUM!). I would love it to be something explainable like ADHD but that seems like a lazy excuse. ha.

And this right here is exactly what keeps people from a diagnosis, keeps those of us with ADHD in constant self loathing, and destroys relationships. These tasks are actually incredibly hard for her, OP. It’s okay to be frustrated but she’s not being lazy. She’s struggling. She doesn’t want to be this person. You can get help or at least set her up for success by operating differently.

+1

It’s not “an excuse”. It’s understanding the issue and how to fix it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let. It. Go.
You are arguing /harping on this for over a year? Drop it. Maybe she doesn't want to hand that over to you, maybe she just doesn't think it's important, maybe she keeps forgetting. Who knows. Either way, she is making a choice not to do it - you may not think that's the right choice, but it's her choice.

It's almost 3k, you must be doing well if that's "forget about it" pocket change for you.

I had the same thought. You don't "let it go" when it is real money being wasted.

I think the wife is avoiding commingling. Especially if their finances are such that this is real money, it’s probably a smart move.

Nah it likely truly is just avoiding an undesired task. I still have old 401ks I haven't rolled over and it's not because I don't want joint $$, it's just, as OP so kindly and lovingly puts it, laziness

I’d agree with you except her husband seems controlling and mean. I’d protect myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let. It. Go.
You are arguing /harping on this for over a year? Drop it. Maybe she doesn't want to hand that over to you, maybe she just doesn't think it's important, maybe she keeps forgetting. Who knows. Either way, she is making a choice not to do it - you may not think that's the right choice, but it's her choice.

It's almost 3k, you must be doing well if that's "forget about it" pocket change for you.

I had the same thought. You don't "let it go" when it is real money being wasted.

I think the wife is avoiding commingling. Especially if their finances are such that this is real money, it’s probably a smart move.

Nah it likely truly is just avoiding an undesired task. I still have old 401ks I haven't rolled over and it's not because I don't want joint $$, it's just, as OP so kindly and lovingly puts it, laziness

I’d agree with you except her husband seems controlling and mean. I’d protect myself.

DP. Could be both!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, op, you married her, what attracted you her to the point that you took her on a date, then another, then another, and then proposed marriage?
What things did she let mom and dad do that you didn’t like? How exactly did that work with you two being married? Since marriage means you are a unit, might I suggest that you let her parents make decisions for you too?

I can understand if this bond issue is forcing things to a head, sometimes you really do need your spouse to get off their behind and do something, as in you may be able to make an appointment for her, but you can’t make her actually go to the appointment. I “get” it if you don’t want to be married to her anymore.

It also jumped out at me that she wants you to drive her to the appointment with BOA that’s weird. Might she have other mental health issues going on? BOA is everywhere, she doesn’t need to drive in the city to get to one. Paying a fee to have the bond paperwork notarized someplace else and driving in the city are not the only two options, which makes me wonder what all is going on with her, I’ve only seen mentally ill people think in such binary terms and then refuse to take either viable approach. It’s also strange that she’d be so incapable of acting when the amount of bonds is so large, what’s going on there? Do you guys live in the city? That’s another place where people who can’t function tend to gravitate, way too easy to have things brought to you and way too easy to mask any weird behavior under the guise of “you can’t trust people” “I get anxious” “This crowd, why are all these people outside on a glorious spring day” “It’s just a few drinks and I’m not driving” things that really don’t work in the suburbs.

Whatever you do, you need to lay off the parents made her this way, maybe they did.. maybe they tried to teach her skill sets she just for whatever reason didn’t pick up. Most parents do the best they can with the information and resources they have at any given moment, and every parent looks back and thinks “If I were doing this today I’d have..” Fine to keep the parents out of your house if they are say coming into clean, not fine to say they made her life too easy for her even if you think it’s true.

If it were me, I’d drive her to the bank, get the bonds sorted out and then go have a nice lunch or something. The longer you stay married, the easier it will be for you to do tasks that formerly only she could do just because paperwork can be in your name now, i.e. the cell phone bill can be in your name, not hers. Then I’d ignore the “let’s go run” unless you’re really looking forward to running with her talk. Are you, or are you just mad she isn’t doing what she said she would?

Again, divorce is an option. I might be thinking about that only because the hesitancy over the bonds and the rationale behind it would make me wonder if I was dealing with someone with depression, anxiety alcoholism, or some other behavior I personally don’t care to be married to. As one poster said “anxious wife, weird life” which is what you may be finally becoming aware of.

I recently tried to cash some old T bonds in person and it might be specific which branches will cash them. This is an incredibly malicious, pessimistic read of the wife's actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s called ADHD.

Would it be called that if it were the husband? Or man child?

Ia this a joke? ADHD is the #1 armchair diagnosis around here.

Also, who cares if it’s ADHD?? My daughter has professionally diagnosed ADHD and she manages to get her homework in on time. People need to stop acting like everyone is “neurodivergent” and it’s absurdly crude to call them out on things since they’re somehow incapable. If everyone is neurodivergent, then no one is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s called ADHD.

Would it be called that if it were the husband? Or man child?

ADHD, absolutely.

Why can't it just be lazy procrastinator? I'm pretty sure I'm a lazy procrastinator (here I am on DCUM!). I would love it to be something explainable like ADHD but that seems like a lazy excuse. ha.

I have ADHD. But I thought I was a lazy procrastinator until my DD was diagnosed with ADHD and I started to look around. Basically, ADHD runs rampant on one side of the family. It’s pretty crazy. I thought I was just friendly, but it turns out I just talk way tooo much (from ADHD) but had no self awareness. The list of ADHD traits goes on and on once you are aware of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s called ADHD.

Would it be called that if it were the husband? Or man child?

Ia this a joke? ADHD is the #1 armchair diagnosis around here.

Also, who cares if it’s ADHD?? My daughter has professionally diagnosed ADHD and she manages to get her homework in on time. People need to stop acting like everyone is “neurodivergent” and it’s absurdly crude to call them out on things since they’re somehow incapable. If everyone is neurodivergent, then no one is.

And and depressed people should just snap out of it! Everyone gets sad, you idiot! And anxious people should just calm down! Everyone is stupid except you, PP. take your hateful stigma and kindly shove it up your arse.

[Anonymous]

My husband does this. It is annoying as hell, but on the flip side, I use it to my advantage when he comes up with an idea I don't like. Rather than push back on it, I just say, "that sounds great, honey" knowing full well that he will never actually do anything about it.

In my DH's case I think it is due to depression, not ADHD. After much hounding, he is finally taking steps to address it, so maybe we will see some improvement.

[Anonymous]

Ha. I had this exact same issue with my H over a bond that needed to be redeemed. I gave up trying to make him do the paperwork and it’s been sitting in a drawer for years. I don’t think it’s ADHD or laziness, exactly. It’s some kind of anxiousness he gets around doing things that he’s not sure how to do or that might be frustrating. He has zero distress tolerance in those situations, so he just avoids them endlessly. It’s taken me years to understand that later means never.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s called ADHD.

Would it be called that if it were the husband? Or man child?

Ia this a joke? ADHD is the #1 armchair diagnosis around here.

Also, who cares if it’s ADHD?? My daughter has professionally diagnosed ADHD and she manages to get her homework in on time. People need to stop acting like everyone is “neurodivergent” and it’s absurdly crude to call them out on things since they’re somehow incapable. If everyone is neurodivergent, then no one is.

It's a spectrum. There are some 75 genes or so related to adhd and not everyone has the same makeup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ha. I had this exact same issue with my H over a bond that needed to be redeemed. I gave up trying to make him do the paperwork and it’s been sitting in a drawer for years. I don’t think it’s ADHD or laziness, exactly. It’s some kind of anxiousness he gets around doing things that he’s not sure how to do or that might be frustrating. He has zero distress tolerance in those situations, so he just avoids them endlessly. It’s taken me years to understand that later means never.

ADHD and anxiety often go hand in hand. Anxiety can also be its own disorder.

[Anonymous]

Small list front and center on the refrigerator. Break the task into multiple steps, if necessary. Push everyday for her to complete.