I got an email telling me my daughter is a mean girl.

[Anonymous]

OP, can we see the email?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ignore it - it is anonymous and it could be any crazy person if they don't put their name too it - so I would give it less credence. But I would keep an eye out on how you think her behavior is towards others.

Hmm, crazy kids do crazy things. All the more reason to take it up with the school.

Why would you take it up with the school? I see nothing in the original post to reference anything that occurred at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,
It's good that you want to address this. I think it's possible that your daughter is indeed a "mean girl." That doesn't mean she's a bad person -- she's just a tween. It's an opportunity for growth.
I don't think I would mention the email, as her focus might shift into figuring out who sent it....That's human nature. But I would talk to her about the general topic of bullying, ask her how it might feel to be unpopular or teased, ask what's happening at her own school, etc. Maybe watch an age-appropriate movie together where a kid a bullied. Your daughter may not have ever had the experience of being the odd kid out so doesn't know how it feels.
Good luck.

PP here. Just saw that your DD is 17. Would definitely act on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to your daughter - if I understand correctly that she is 17, this situation seems a bit odd for the age group. Usually by the last years of HS the kids have settled into their friend groups and it's not as cliquey...the whole thing just seems off to me - but def. talk to her frankly about it.

I agree the age is really important and I think this thread would be getting different responses if you'd said the age upfront.

At that age, your daughter is likely driving and has a lot of independence. I would let her know that there is someone out there who does not have good feelings toward her and to be aware. As a safety issue. I wouldn't freak her out. But someone went to some lengths to F with her. She should know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The description of your DD as a popular girl who is frustrated with expectations that she is friends with everyone is sending up red flags for me. Like Gretchen Wieners cluelessly saying I can’t help it that I’m popular.

OP here, and I will not lie, I also see those comment is a slightly different light.

I am inclined not to respond to the email, so I perhaps the best course is to talk to my daughter more generally about the issue?

FWIW, I am not ruling out the possibility this is true. But it’s my kid, so it’s really tough to think it could be true. I feel like I have always emphasized kindness and not gossiping.

Push past this. I see this blind spot in so many parents.

NP. So? Even a mean girl should be loved unconditionally by her mother. And at 17, this is not something that OP is going to fix. It's going to have to come from the DD.

Are you kidding? Yes love your kid unconditionally, but also you view their actions clear-eyed and you have real conversations with them and hold them accountable kindly. You're doing ZERO favors if you just gloss over opportunities to hold up a mirror for your child. It's not a lecture. Get into a conversation and ask thoughtful questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ignore it - it is anonymous and it could be any crazy person if they don't put their name too it - so I would give it less credence. But I would keep an eye out on how you think her behavior is towards others.

Hmm, crazy kids do crazy things. All the more reason to take it up with the school.

Why would you take it up with the school? I see nothing in the original post to reference anything that occurred at school.

If a 17 YO is in a headspace where she needs to go to a peer’s parent with a message, something is wrong. Either OP’s kid is a mean girl, and the emailer is crying out for help, or the emailer is a bully and doubling down on picking on OP’s kid. Who knows? Not here to litigate that. But I would want to school to be aware so that the emailer doesn’t feel ignored and then escalate. You can’t be too careful. What if emailer harms herself or OP’s kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Somebody is the mean girl. It's probably true.

My general impression from what my kids tell me is the "popular" girls in middle school (assuming it's this age group) are in fact pretty mean and awful. There is a lot of drama and talking about others and pushing kids out of the group and changing alliances. And a lot of paranoia about losing status.

+ 1000

[Anonymous]

I would be inclined to ignore, but this means OP’s DD has a potential enemy. Who knows what is their next step is.
What if they start sending accusations to school admin?
I would probably talk to my kid about being nicer to people, avoiding making enemies etc. in general terms

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had this happen to my son

I had a meeting with the boy, his mom, the school counselors and my son.

It went like this.

Counselor: Joe do you feel Rob excludes you on recess.
Joe: no Rob like soccer and football, I like to look for bugs.
Rob: I like to look for bugs would you like me to join you sometime
Joe: no not really

End of meeting.

This is a tween/teen forum. I don't think this is analogous to one boy looking for bugs and one boy playing soccer at recess.

It was middle school.

You have recess in middle school and there are kids looking for bugs at that age? That is a whole other post.

Yes. Fast forward many years and the boy has a degree in animal studies and has been to Ecuador / Thai land studying frogs and snakes. He now does research.

[Anonymous]

OP l would be worried about the sender too, based on what you said about the tone of the email.

I think you should tell your daughter that you’re worried about the sender and that’s why you’re sharing it with her. Tell her you’re not accusing her of anything.

Then have her read it and see if she will talk to you about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ignore it - it is anonymous and it could be any crazy person if they don't put their name too it - so I would give it less credence. But I would keep an eye out on how you think her behavior is towards others.

Hmm, crazy kids do crazy things. All the more reason to take it up with the school.

Why would you take it up with the school? I see nothing in the original post to reference anything that occurred at school.

If a 17 YO is in a headspace where she needs to go to a peer’s parent with a message, something is wrong. Either OP’s kid is a mean girl, and the emailer is crying out for help, or the emailer is a bully and doubling down on picking on OP’s kid. Who knows? Not here to litigate that. But I would want to school to be aware so that the emailer doesn’t feel ignored and then escalate. You can’t be too careful. What if emailer harms herself or OP’s kid?

What is the school going to do with an anonymous email? Seriously asking that question. I don't think they are detectives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the sender is the mean girl trying to stir up drama? I would probably ask vague social dynamics questions of my kid and if it seems like something is off, probably share the anonymous email with the school counselor. Nothing is truly anonymous. If a kid is sending that kind of message, then the school has a problem they need to address.

Let's walk this through. I'm a teenage mean girl. I want to pick on my "victim" who is popular. My go to move is I anonymously email her parents? That's not very gratifying at all. What does that accomplish exactly?

She hopes her mom grounds her or at least accuse her.

Girls are crazy.

[Anonymous]

Could it be the mom of another 17 year old girl sending the email, who is trying to solve the problem between the girls without directly getting involved?

[Anonymous]

Omg! She’s 17. Ignore FFS.

Thank god she will be in college soon and not have to deal with whoever this crazy B is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ignore it - it is anonymous and it could be any crazy person if they don't put their name too it - so I would give it less credence. But I would keep an eye out on how you think her behavior is towards others.

Hmm, crazy kids do crazy things. All the more reason to take it up with the school.

Why would you take it up with the school? I see nothing in the original post to reference anything that occurred at school.

If a 17 YO is in a headspace where she needs to go to a peer’s parent with a message, something is wrong. Either OP’s kid is a mean girl, and the emailer is crying out for help, or the emailer is a bully and doubling down on picking on OP’s kid. Who knows? Not here to litigate that. But I would want to school to be aware so that the emailer doesn’t feel ignored and then escalate. You can’t be too careful. What if emailer harms herself or OP’s kid?

What is the school going to do with an anonymous email? Seriously asking that question. I don't think they are detectives.

I mean, I don't know either, but I feel like I wouldn't want the proverbial blood on my hands of ignoring it. In my head, OP's kid goes to a private school (I don't think our public school has a student directory with parent contact information) so maybe the GC can figure out who sent it based on details?