Why does my MIL do this? How to tell DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you can say exactly what you said here. But I not sure you need to do so. Your DH already knows his mom sucks. He also seems smart enough to know he is never going to change his mom.

Why is your DD spending so much time with grandma? Just cut back. And don’t be the primary contact with MIL. Refer all complaints from her to her son.

We have cut back. DD sees her maybe 12 times a year. I just hate that she makes my DD feel inferior with comments like that.

12 times a year is still too much!

Holy moly! This woman is toxic and she still gets to insult your DD 12 times a year!

Which is why I’m here. She told me this last night. DD is supposed to go with MIL this weekend. I’m thinking of having DH cancel. It’s weird though because for whatever reason, DD still seems to enjoy the relationship in spite of all this.

Then you shouldn't cancel. Obviously, she isn't a snowflake like you op

[Anonymous]

Maybe OP's daughter does enjoy spending time with unappreciative grandma, maybe she just doesn't want to seem like a complainer. But I think it would be a mistake for OP to cancel the visit on her own -- that sends the message that her DD talk honestly to her parents about the less-than-ideal stuff in her life.

Those comments do provide an opening for discussion, though, "Wow, that makes me want to grab you and run far, far away instead of taking you to visit her on Saturday." If your daughter says, "No, it's fine," you say, "OK, no grabbing and running, then" and move on.

But maybe she'll say she doesn't want to go. Or she wants to go, but not as often. Whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s 12. Teach her to speak up for herself. “Grandma, when you say things like that it sounds like you’re embarrassed by me because of my hair, and how I look.” “Grandma, if you keep saying g things like that, it’ll make me not want to spend time with you.”

There is an unequal power of balance and you saying it like it’s so simple for a 12 year old to say these things is disingenuous.

No it’s not. There are reasons I don’t take shit from people, and one is that I watched my parents stick up for themselves and set boundaries growing up, and the other is that my parents gave me the words to do it myself when I got upset with someone, and then backed me up.

Well good for you. It’s not like that for most children when they have to stand up to an adult. You want a cookie?

No. I want people to raise their kids to set boundaries and shut down or walk away from adults who are manipulative. I'm not saying it's easy. Did I cry after I told my grandma who I loved "if you keep making comments about my skin, I won't want to come to our weekly brunches anymore, because you make me feel bad when you do that"? Yes, of course I did. But I learned that the world won't end, my Grandma will still love me, and maybe she'll stop making comments about my skin. I learned I can do hard things. Which gave me confidence the next time I had to say something hard.

[Anonymous]

My grandmother was like this. Everyone knew it. I did not like being around her at all. I’m starting to see that my MIL is sort of like this too, which is unfortunate, but not as bad as OPs. Yeah cut back to once every other month. Not worth it. Make sure you tell DD how ridiculous her grandma is and that she has every right to find grandmas words offensive and whether or not she speaks up, you and DH are on her side! Unfortunately for me, when I complained to my parents about grandmas insults both my parents berated me for being thin skinned!

[Anonymous]

Don't let her spend time with grandma alone. Then call out the rude comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't let her spend time with grandma alone. Then call out the rude comments.

+1

Take on the situation, OP, because your DH will not - and your MIL knows this. MIL has your DH emotionally beat down since DH was born. In my MILs case, I don't call her out on her nonsense any more, because her favorite past time is having what little power she can by upsetting others. So I deny her the power, but I do not let DCs alone with MIL, because MIL takes any 1:1 chance she has to spew venom. MIL is mentally ill, but not enough to not know what she is doing. Protect your kids by knowing what MIL is saying to them - MIL is toxic.

Terrible parents --> terrible grandparents.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you asked your DD what she would like? Since she's the one who is affected by all of this, and she's 12 (so not a little kid), she should have a say in what goes on here.

Maybe she wants you to help her with some statements that will allow her to stand up for herself. Maybe she just wants to vent, and she really doesn't care what her grandmother says. Maybe she wants to laugh about her crazy grandmother with you. Or maybe she wants to see her less often, or only for shorter periods of time (i.e., 12 times a year for 2-3 hours max, rather than 6 times a year for a weekend each time).

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you asked your DD what she would like? Since she's the one who is affected by all of this, and she's 12 (so not a little kid), she should have a say in what goes on here.

Maybe she wants you to help her with some statements that will allow her to stand up for herself. Maybe she just wants to vent, and she really doesn't care what her grandmother says. Maybe she wants to laugh about her crazy grandmother with you. Or maybe she wants to see her less often, or only for shorter periods of time (i.e., 12 times a year for 2-3 hours max, rather than 6 times a year for a weekend each time).

Good luck!

+1

MILs such as OPs are relying on the old adage "respect your elders" - it no longer applies, especially when they are batsh&t crazy.

I wonder if your MIL is jealous of your DD - I know it is the case with my MIL, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you can say exactly what you said here. But I not sure you need to do so. Your DH already knows his mom sucks. He also seems smart enough to know he is never going to change his mom.

[b]Why is your DD spending so much time with grandma? Just cut back. And don’t be the primary contact with MIL. Refer all complaints from her to her son.

This. She sounds like a miserable b. Limit contact.

[Anonymous]

With certain older women, the bar is always higher for girls. There is favoritism for the male grandkids and a double standard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With certain older women, the bar is always higher for girls. There is favoritism for the male grandkids and a double standard.

X1000000

Jealousy, OP. Avoid her.

[Anonymous]

My MIL loves my DCs to pieces but is still so nit-picky sometimes as well. You probably can't fix her but your DH very well should speak up and here's why:

Your DD is picking up on the fact that her Dad doesn't stick up for her when Grandma gets critical and it will affect their relationship.

My DH tried to keep the peace too until my older one called him out on it the way young kids do. It was years ago, but right after my MIL criticized something, DC was like, "Tell Grandma I'm fine just the way I am and everyone's different" And he did.

We all joke now that Grandma can get weird, but they know that their Dad has their back. Please encourage him if you can for that reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you can say exactly what you said here. But I not sure you need to do so. Your DH already knows his mom sucks. He also seems smart enough to know he is never going to change his mom.

Why is your DD spending so much time with grandma? Just cut back. And don’t be the primary contact with MIL. Refer all complaints from her to her son.

We have cut back. DD sees her maybe 12 times a year. I just hate that she makes my DD feel inferior with comments like that.

12 times is a lot.

+1 Why are you subjecting your kid to this? Once every few months with adult supervision is good enough. If she complains, tell her the truth why it has to be this way.

[Anonymous]

My grandmother could be critical and insulting and said inappropriate things to me without realizing it, hurting my feelings and leaving me baffled. She wasn't like this all the time, but I do remember those times. I also loved her very much, loved spending time with her, and we mostly had some really good times together.

I suggest letting your daughter have her relationship with her grandmother since she likes spending time with her. Maybe help her strategize what she could say if grandma says something that hurts her feelings, but otherwise it doesn't really sound like you should be preventing your daughter from spending time with her. Grandma sounds like a normally flawed person, not an abuser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With certain older women, the bar is always higher for girls. There is favoritism for the male grandkids and a double standard.

X1000000

Jealousy, OP. Avoid her.

To add, toxic grandmothers will say "oh but it's my daughters child, so they are special". Shove it, Grandma - this ain't 1956.