Why does my MIL do this? How to tell DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you can say exactly what you said here. But I not sure you need to do so. Your DH already knows his mom sucks. He also seems smart enough to know he is never going to change his mom.

Why is your DD spending so much time with grandma? Just cut back. And don’t be the primary contact with MIL. Refer all complaints from her to her son.

We have cut back. DD sees her maybe 12 times a year. I just hate that she makes my DD feel inferior with comments like that.

12 times a year is still too much!

Holy moly! This woman is toxic and she still gets to insult your DD 12 times a year!

Which is why I’m here. She told me this last night. DD is supposed to go with MIL this weekend. I’m thinking of having DH cancel. It’s weird though because for whatever reason, DD still seems to enjoy the relationship in spite of all this.

She wants her grandma's approval, but doesn't know that it would never come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s 12. Teach her to speak up for herself. “Grandma, when you say things like that it sounds like you’re embarrassed by me because of my hair, and how I look.” “Grandma, if you keep saying g things like that, it’ll make me not want to spend time with you.”

There is an unequal power of balance and you saying it like it’s so simple for a 12 year old to say these things is disingenuous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you can say exactly what you said here. But I not sure you need to do so. Your DH already knows his mom sucks. He also seems smart enough to know he is never going to change his mom.

Why is your DD spending so much time with grandma? Just cut back. And don’t be the primary contact with MIL. Refer all complaints from her to her son.

We have cut back. DD sees her maybe 12 times a year. I just hate that she makes my DD feel inferior with comments like that.

12 times is a lot.

+1

Too much! MIL says rude stuff in front of DD and me, on the sly, so everyone else thinks she is a nice old lady. No. No, she is not. No way would I let my DD spend time alone with her.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think this is anything to pick at. She sounds mildly cantankerous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you can say exactly what you said here. But I not sure you need to do so. Your DH already knows his mom sucks. He also seems smart enough to know he is never going to change his mom.

Why is your DD spending so much time with grandma? Just cut back. And don’t be the primary contact with MIL. Refer all complaints from her to her son.

We have cut back. DD sees her maybe 12 times a year. I just hate that she makes my DD feel inferior with comments like that.

12 times a year is still too much!

Holy moly! This woman is toxic and she still gets to insult your DD 12 times a year!

Which is why I’m here. She told me this last night. DD is supposed to go with MIL this weekend. I’m thinking of having DH cancel. It’s weird though because for whatever reason, DD still seems to enjoy the relationship in spite of all this.

She wants her grandma's approval, but doesn't know that it would never come.

+1

Exactly this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s 12. Teach her to speak up for herself. “Grandma, when you say things like that it sounds like you’re embarrassed by me because of my hair, and how I look.” “Grandma, if you keep saying g things like that, it’ll make me not want to spend time with you.”

There is an unequal power of balance and you saying it like it’s so simple for a 12 year old to say these things is disingenuous.

+1

Yup.MIL is taking advantage of your DD's age, MIL is being manipulative and cantankerous. Do not expose your DD to that toxicity.

[Anonymous]

Eh, she sounds way more innocuous than my mother, whose criticisms are in the realm of "DD, you're chubby already, if you eat that, you'll be obese" and "you play this advanced concerto at 12 years old, but it's a bit sloppy around the edges and I heard some wrong notes towards the end of the 30 minute performance".

Whereupon I say pleasantly that she'll see a lot less of DD if she keeps it up. She gets the message for a while, then starts up again. This is why we only see her once a year on average for 2 weeks. It's the most anyone can stand

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you DH is not the golden child in his origin family.
It would be natural for mil to keep her same behaviors towards his kids.

Block mil from being able to "get to" your DD. Mention to your DH if you want, but that should be separate from you buffering your DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you can say exactly what you said here. But I not sure you need to do so. Your DH already knows his mom sucks. He also seems smart enough to know he is never going to change his mom.

Why is your DD spending so much time with grandma? Just cut back. And don’t be the primary contact with MIL. Refer all complaints from her to her son.

We have cut back. DD sees her maybe 12 times a year. I just hate that she makes my DD feel inferior with comments like that.

12 times a year is still too much!

Holy moly! This woman is toxic and she still gets to insult your DD 12 times a year!

Which is why I’m here. She told me this last night. DD is supposed to go with MIL this weekend. I’m thinking of having DH cancel. It’s weird though because for whatever reason, DD still seems to enjoy the relationship in spite of all this.

Your DD is still trying to win your MILs approval. Help her get off the treadmill.

[Anonymous]

OP, my MIL is the same. DC just told MIL where DC is going to college, completely excited about their choice. MIL response: "I thought you would go to (MIL's choice of school here). Mind you, MIL still berates DH for not choosing (MILs) college 30+ years ago! To say it is ALL about MIL, no matter the issue, is an understatement.

Some people will always be nothing but toxic, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s 12. Teach her to speak up for herself. “Grandma, when you say things like that it sounds like you’re embarrassed by me because of my hair, and how I look.” “Grandma, if you keep saying g things like that, it’ll make me not want to spend time with you.”

There is an unequal power of balance and you saying it like it’s so simple for a 12 year old to say these things is disingenuous.

No it’s not. There are reasons I don’t take shit from people, and one is that I watched my parents stick up for themselves and set boundaries growing up, and the other is that my parents gave me the words to do it myself when I got upset with someone, and then backed me up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s 12. Teach her to speak up for herself. “Grandma, when you say things like that it sounds like you’re embarrassed by me because of my hair, and how I look.” “Grandma, if you keep saying g things like that, it’ll make me not want to spend time with you.”

There is an unequal power of balance and you saying it like it’s so simple for a 12 year old to say these things is disingenuous.

No it’s not. There are reasons I don’t take shit from people, and one is that I watched my parents stick up for themselves and set boundaries growing up, and the other is that my parents gave me the words to do it myself when I got upset with someone, and then backed me up.

There is a power imbalance when one is 12 and the other is an authoritative figure whether you like it or not. It isn’t that easy, stop acting like it is. You are dishonest and dismissive about the reality of it.

[Anonymous]

Narcissism. She wants to change dd to a reflection of herself - hair, clothes- but also erode dd confidence.

Keep child away from that woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s 12. Teach her to speak up for herself. “Grandma, when you say things like that it sounds like you’re embarrassed by me because of my hair, and how I look.” “Grandma, if you keep saying g things like that, it’ll make me not want to spend time with you.”

There is an unequal power of balance and you saying it like it’s so simple for a 12 year old to say these things is disingenuous.

No it’s not. There are reasons I don’t take shit from people, and one is that I watched my parents stick up for themselves and set boundaries growing up, and the other is that my parents gave me the words to do it myself when I got upset with someone, and then backed me up.

Well good for you. It’s not like that for most children when they have to stand up to an adult. You want a cookie?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s 12. Teach her to speak up for herself. “Grandma, when you say things like that it sounds like you’re embarrassed by me because of my hair, and how I look.” “Grandma, if you keep saying g things like that, it’ll make me not want to spend time with you.”

There is an unequal power of balance and you saying it like it’s so simple for a 12 year old to say these things is disingenuous.

No it’s not. There are reasons I don’t take shit from people, and one is that I watched my parents stick up for themselves and set boundaries growing up, and the other is that my parents gave me the words to do it myself when I got upset with someone, and then backed me up.

Great, you're one tough nut, PP

But OP's DD doesn't seem to be the same and it's unlikely if OP's DH will be able to provide the support you got from you parents. Sounds like a complicated relationship. No need to expose the DD to this. Life will provide enough opportunities to toughen her up. No need for it to come from her grandmother.