Why does my MIL do this? How to tell DH?

[Anonymous]

I feel like she’s always subtly insulting DD12. The past few visits to local MIL and DD has reported back to me—not her father—of things/experiences with her grandmother. Things like:

Grandma is embarrassed by my hair and thinks it’s messy. She always makes me sit down so she can put it in a ponytail. (DD inherited my curly hair and isn’t yet motivated to “tame” it. It’s always clean and brushed, but is wild.)

Grandma lets it be known that she doesn’t like DD’s style. (Clothing choices, shoes, etc. When they go out she’s always trying to get DD to buy new clothes that MIL likes, and is noticeably upset when DD doesn’t want them.)

MIL has been planning and talking about a vacation for YEARS. Every year it’s “I’m finally taking that European river cruise this year!” and every year it never happens. It’s finally booked. She told DD about it and apparently DD wasn’t excited enough so MIL chastised her for not being enthusiastic.

But the most recent has me royally ticked off. DD plays the flute, we’ve sent video of her playing the flute to MIL. Crickets. The other day she told DD just out of the blue on a FaceTime that “cousin” taught herself to play the guitar just by watching YouTube videos, and how she is “just so impressed with that boy.” She’s never praised DD, and not I’m putting things together to realize, MIL really only CRITICIZES.

DH has a tenuous relationship with his mom. She was a mediocre mother at best when he was growing up. He knows DD doesn’t like spending time with her. He knows she isn’t maternal. But this new cousin revelation has me convinced she CAN be but chooses not to be. What’s the best way to bring this up to DH?

[Anonymous]

I mean, you can say exactly what you said here. But I not sure you need to do so. Your DH already knows his mom sucks. He also seems smart enough to know he is never going to change his mom.

Why is your DD spending so much time with grandma? Just cut back. And don’t be the primary contact with MIL. Refer all complaints from her to her son.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you want to address it?

[Anonymous]

My DD has had her feelings hurt by my MIL- she made comments about what she wore, her earrings, how she didn’t dress up nice and then she’d fawn over how smart and pretty my other daughter was. So I picked up the phone one day when I had privacy, and called my MIL and explained how all of this led to very hurt feelings. She laughed and acted like girls are so sensitive! I said yes they are, rightly so, would you please stop doing this? She agreed. It worked. In future visits, I caught her a few times wanting to say things, but holding back.

I don’t believe in always having DH do this dirty work. I know my husband would not as effective as I would, and I have no problems addressing my MIL directly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you can say exactly what you said here. But I not sure you need to do so. Your DH already knows his mom sucks. He also seems smart enough to know he is never going to change his mom.

Why is your DD spending so much time with grandma? Just cut back. And don’t be the primary contact with MIL. Refer all complaints from her to her son.

We have cut back. DD sees her maybe 12 times a year. I just hate that she makes my DD feel inferior with comments like that.

[Anonymous]

What do you want from your DH?

Personally I'd be telling him everything DD told me from the get go. It's just sharing information, and I doubt any of it would surprise him.

By withholding before, and now telling, do you want DH to intervene on DD's behalf? Since you seem to think that she's capable of some positive behavior? If that's the case, forget about it. She is who she is, and I wouldn't hold my breath that she'd change.

But regardless of what you expect, tell your DH anyway, b/c he needs to know and you both need to further limit your DD's time with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you can say exactly what you said here. But I not sure you need to do so. Your DH already knows his mom sucks. He also seems smart enough to know he is never going to change his mom.

Why is your DD spending so much time with grandma? Just cut back. And don’t be the primary contact with MIL. Refer all complaints from her to her son.

We have cut back. DD sees her maybe 12 times a year. I just hate that she makes my DD feel inferior with comments like that.

Well, 12 can become 6. But I also think you can say to MIL, “stop criticizing my kid’s hair, clothing, etc”. She will either comply or not, but you can try saying it once and see what happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you can say exactly what you said here. But I not sure you need to do so. Your DH already knows his mom sucks. He also seems smart enough to know he is never going to change his mom.

Why is your DD spending so much time with grandma? Just cut back. And don’t be the primary contact with MIL. Refer all complaints from her to her son.

We have cut back. DD sees her maybe 12 times a year. I just hate that she makes my DD feel inferior with comments like that.

12 times a year is still too much!

Holy moly! This woman is toxic and she still gets to insult your DD 12 times a year!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you want from your DH?

Personally I'd be telling him everything DD told me from the get go. It's just sharing information, and I doubt any of it would surprise him.

By withholding before, and now telling, do you want DH to intervene on DD's behalf? Since you seem to think that she's capable of some positive behavior? If that's the case, forget about it. She is who she is, and I wouldn't hold my breath that she'd change.

But regardless of what you expect, tell your DH anyway, b/c he needs to know and you both need to further limit your DD's time with her.

You are right. I know she won’t change. PP up thread is also right that DH won’t handle this properly. MIL isn’t rational and is emotionally stunted, so anything coming from me will be viewed as hostile and confrontational. I think you’re right that the best course of action is to limit time even more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you can say exactly what you said here. But I not sure you need to do so. Your DH already knows his mom sucks. He also seems smart enough to know he is never going to change his mom.

Why is your DD spending so much time with grandma? Just cut back. And don’t be the primary contact with MIL. Refer all complaints from her to her son.

We have cut back. DD sees her maybe 12 times a year. I just hate that she makes my DD feel inferior with comments like that.

12 times is a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you can say exactly what you said here. But I not sure you need to do so. Your DH already knows his mom sucks. He also seems smart enough to know he is never going to change his mom.

Why is your DD spending so much time with grandma? Just cut back. And don’t be the primary contact with MIL. Refer all complaints from her to her son.

We have cut back. DD sees her maybe 12 times a year. I just hate that she makes my DD feel inferior with comments like that.

12 times a year is still too much!

Holy moly! This woman is toxic and she still gets to insult your DD 12 times a year!

Which is why I’m here. She told me this last night. DD is supposed to go with MIL this weekend. I’m thinking of having DH cancel. It’s weird though because for whatever reason, DD still seems to enjoy the relationship in spite of all this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want from your DH?

Personally I'd be telling him everything DD told me from the get go. It's just sharing information, and I doubt any of it would surprise him.

By withholding before, and now telling, do you want DH to intervene on DD's behalf? Since you seem to think that she's capable of some positive behavior? If that's the case, forget about it. She is who she is, and I wouldn't hold my breath that she'd change.

But regardless of what you expect, tell your DH anyway, b/c he needs to know and you both need to further limit your DD's time with her.

You are right. I know she won’t change. PP up thread is also right that DH won’t handle this properly. MIL isn’t rational and is emotionally stunted, so anything coming from me will be viewed as hostile and confrontational. I think you’re right that the best course of action is to limit time even more.

I also think you should not really leave DD alone with grandma. If you are there, you can immediately say “leave her hair alone” or “my goodness, where has the time gone, gotta go.”

[Anonymous]

She’s 12. Teach her to speak up for herself. “Grandma, when you say things like that it sounds like you’re embarrassed by me because of my hair, and how I look.” “Grandma, if you keep saying g things like that, it’ll make me not want to spend time with you.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you can say exactly what you said here. But I not sure you need to do so. Your DH already knows his mom sucks. He also seems smart enough to know he is never going to change his mom.

Why is your DD spending so much time with grandma? Just cut back. And don’t be the primary contact with MIL. Refer all complaints from her to her son.

We have cut back. DD sees her maybe 12 times a year. I just hate that she makes my DD feel inferior with comments like that.

12 times a year is still too much!

Holy moly! This woman is toxic and she still gets to insult your DD 12 times a year!

Which is why I’m here. She told me this last night. DD is supposed to go with MIL this weekend. I’m thinking of having DH cancel. It’s weird though because for whatever reason, DD still seems to enjoy the relationship in spite of all this.

I would absolutely cancel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you can say exactly what you said here. But I not sure you need to do so. Your DH already knows his mom sucks. He also seems smart enough to know he is never going to change his mom.

Why is your DD spending so much time with grandma? Just cut back. And don’t be the primary contact with MIL. Refer all complaints from her to her son.

+1

You have my MIL, OP. I am very sorry, because it truly sucks. Just remember, they do not change, they only get worse with age.