Can you remain married to a man who doesn’t have a vision?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t really have a plan for his or our life. I’ve been with him for 10 years and I guess I kept waiting for him to find direction for himself and us as a family and it hasn’t exactly come to fruition. I feel feel more lost and directionless as ever as since I’m married to him, our goals should be congruent and I’m moving in the same direction.

I’m also 36 so it’s not like it’s easy for me to start over.

I’m feeling very depressed and aimless.

Yuck. I married into a family in now know has Aspergers and ADHD. No vision, answers questions with questions, never proactive, does bare minimum and does it totally wrong most of the time. So careless and mindless, breaks things and gets the kids in a tizzy all the time. We need a live in nanny, maybe that will mitigate the accidents, messes and forgetfulness.

This literally sounds EXACTLY like my husband.

Is there any hope for them?

[Anonymous]

No, you should not divorce a man who is a good person and has done nothing wrong because he "doesn't have a vision". You need to talk. Go to a nice lounge-type place where you feel comfortable and talk these things over. Make some plans. Have some ideas and ask him for his.
You're feeling like you could have done better. I understand. Every woman feels like this at some point. Probably men too. But provided he has a good fundamental character, this is a season to get past, not a reason to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t really have a plan for his or our life. I’ve been with him for 10 years and I guess I kept waiting for him to find direction for himself and us as a family and it hasn’t exactly come to fruition. I feel feel more lost and directionless as ever as since I’m married to him, our goals should be congruent and I’m moving in the same direction.

I’m also 36 so it’s not like it’s easy for me to start over.

I’m feeling very depressed and aimless.

Yuck. I married into a family in now know has Aspergers and ADHD. No vision, answers questions with questions, never proactive, does bare minimum and does it totally wrong most of the time. So careless and mindless, breaks things and gets the kids in a tizzy all the time. We need a live in nanny, maybe that will mitigate the accidents, messes and forgetfulness.

This literally sounds EXACTLY like my husband.

Is there any hope for them?

Not of growth but you can learn to get along with them. It's an impairment. Like missing a leg. They aren't going to change. You can learn to live with someone with only one leg.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, you should not divorce a man who is a good person and has done nothing wrong because he "doesn't have a vision". You need to talk. Go to a nice lounge-type place where you feel comfortable and talk these things over. Make some plans. Have some ideas and ask him for his.
You're feeling like you could have done better. I understand. Every woman feels like this at some point. Probably men too. But provided he has a good fundamental character, this is a season to get past, not a reason to leave.

Do you like having discussions with people at work who are totally unprepared, don’t read their emails, have bad judgment, have poor executive functioning skills, and like to twist questions around in dead if answering them?
If not why would you want that in your personal life? The stakes are even higher. And some- like kids- are permanent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t really have a plan for his or our life. I’ve been with him for 10 years and I guess I kept waiting for him to find direction for himself and us as a family and it hasn’t exactly come to fruition. I feel feel more lost and directionless as ever as since I’m married to him, our goals should be congruent and I’m moving in the same direction.

I’m also 36 so it’s not like it’s easy for me to start over.

I’m feeling very depressed and aimless.

Yuck. I married into a family in now know has Aspergers and ADHD. No vision, answers questions with questions, never proactive, does bare minimum and does it totally wrong most of the time. So careless and mindless, breaks things and gets the kids in a tizzy all the time. We need a live in nanny, maybe that will mitigate the accidents, messes and forgetfulness.

This literally sounds EXACTLY like my husband.

Is there any hope for them?

No.

Do not have kids with them. You have no idea how many urgimed and ER trips they’ve had on the rare occasions of his sole watch.
He can’t see or anticipate dangerous situations. Or mess ups. Or messes. And unlike a child, he cannot learn.
The chronic setbacks are real.

Save yourself before you lose yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s YOUR vision? Are you not equal partners? Or only equal when convenient?

Op here.

My vision was to have a baby after we got married at 30. So a baby at 31 or 32. Buying a house in the suburbs. Making at least 300k together.

He never showed interest in TTC until I was 34 and since then we keep having recurrent losses.

We both made only 120k combined until recently, so we have not been able to save much to do much.

Did you discuss this with him before you got married? Did he agree with this vision?

[Anonymous]

My vision is a world where women are held accountable. Lately, I'm making reverse progress on that goal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s YOUR vision? Are you not equal partners? Or only equal when convenient?

Op here.

My vision was to have a baby after we got married at 30. So a baby at 31 or 32. Buying a house in the suburbs. Making at least 300k together.

He never showed interest in TTC until I was 34 and since then we keep having recurrent losses.

We both made only 120k combined until recently, so we have not been able to save much to do much.

Did you discuss this with him before you got married? Did he agree with this vision?

This is what I want to know. Did OP ever tell him that this was what she wanted? What did he say? How did he react? What did he say about having kids when you talked to him about it between 30 and 34? Did you think that you needed a certain income to have kids? Did he?

Lots of women have babies at 34; it's not really that old, so if OP is having issues at 34, she likely would have had them at 32.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My vision is a world where women are held accountable. Lately, I'm making reverse progress on that goal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s YOUR vision? Are you not equal partners? Or only equal when convenient?

Op here.

My vision was to have a baby after we got married at 30. So a baby at 31 or 32. Buying a house in the suburbs. Making at least 300k together.

He never showed interest in TTC until I was 34 and since then we keep having recurrent losses.

We both made only 120k combined until recently, so we have not been able to save much to do much.

Did you discuss this with him before you got married? Did he agree with this vision?

This is what I want to know. Did OP ever tell him that this was what she wanted? What did he say? How did he react? What did he say about having kids when you talked to him about it between 30 and 34? Did you think that you needed a certain income to have kids? Did he?

Lots of women have babies at 34; it's not really that old, so if OP is having issues at 34, she likely would have had them at 32.

If you want to have more than one baby, and to space them out optimally, then you should start long before 34.

[Anonymous]

36 is the oldest age you've ever been, so it feels like you can't start over. But you CAN. It actually is not too late!!

[Anonymous]

Most people don't "have a vision" beyond the next couple.odnyears, they just live.

I'm a bit older, and dh and I had "a vision" but none of it worked out. So now we are living a good life, but are much more miserable because it wasn't "our vision."

I would not divorce someone because the don't have a vision. Maybe you are the one in the relationship that has the vision of what you want and you just bring them along with you and hope your vision works out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has ADHD. He's always had a vision for his work and his money, and a firm idea when he met me that he wanted to marry me and have kids. But implementing family life has been entirely driven by me. Work and finances are already more than he can handle. If I hadn't set a date for the wedding and trying to conceive, we might still be be engaged and childless, 20 years later

ADHD isn’t an excuse. I have ADHD too, and I still manage to handle everything because I treat it. Just like putting on glasses if you have poor vision.

As someone with ADHD who took 5 years to get diagnosed and 1 year to make an appointment with someone who could actually help me treat it, you are kind of minimizing how difficult it really can be to complete tasks like this. I play wack-a-mole with urgent things in my life so long term life goals seem ridiculous to me most of the time.

Sorry, not to derail…this is an honest question: is this not how everyone feels??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has ADHD. He's always had a vision for his work and his money, and a firm idea when he met me that he wanted to marry me and have kids. But implementing family life has been entirely driven by me. Work and finances are already more than he can handle. If I hadn't set a date for the wedding and trying to conceive, we might still be be engaged and childless, 20 years later

ADHD isn’t an excuse. I have ADHD too, and I still manage to handle everything because I treat it. Just like putting on glasses if you have poor vision.

As someone with ADHD who took 5 years to get diagnosed and 1 year to make an appointment with someone who could actually help me treat it, you are kind of minimizing how difficult it really can be to complete tasks like this. I play wack-a-mole with urgent things in my life so long term life goals seem ridiculous to me most of the time.

Sorry, not to derail…this is an honest question: is this not how everyone feels??

No

It’s one thing to have a setback or change thrown upon you and instinctually see 3-4 scenarios that make sense to change to, versus stay in chaos spinning your wheels or worse, proceeding on whatever which is actually insensible (and will cost more time, money, effort and help to reverse out of and fix, then proceed from baseline).

Executive functioning skills are no joke. Most people have them but if someone doesn’t they need a ton of support most of their lives. Or need to live a very simple routine life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most people don't "have a vision" beyond the next couple.odnyears, they just live.

I'm a bit older, and dh and I had "a vision" but none of it worked out. So now we are living a good life, but are much more miserable because it wasn't "our vision."

I would not divorce someone because the don't have a vision. Maybe you are the one in the relationship that has the vision of what you want and you just bring them along with you and hope your vision works out?

Not sure where you went to HS, college or work but most of my peers at every step of their life cycle definitely had a vision. They may have been too modest to state it out loud but they were ambitious in health, career, family, vacations and financially.