Can you remain married to a man who doesn’t have a vision?

[Anonymous]

This is such a misandrist and outdated concept. Why does the man have to have a vision for the family. Clearly, you’re the the one its important to - what’s your vision and what are you doing to make it happen.

Take some ownership of your own happiness.

[Anonymous]

OP you can remain married to anyone. What if he had an illness or injury and didn't have the option to have a "vision" for his life? Would you leave him?

You marry someone because of who they are as a person, not for their productive capacity, if you want to be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t really have a plan for his or our life. I’ve been with him for 10 years and I guess I kept waiting for him to find direction for himself and us as a family and it hasn’t exactly come to fruition. I feel feel more lost and directionless as ever as since I’m married to him, our goals should be congruent and I’m moving in the same direction.

I’m also 36 so it’s not like it’s easy for me to start over.

I’m feeling very depressed and aimless.

I was 50 when I started over. I know it doesen't seem like it, but you still have a lot of prime years left. I do wonder how my life would have been different if I hadn't wasted all those years staying in a marriage that i knew I could never really be happy in. But we didn't fight or argue, I didn't hate him and he was a great father. At the time it just felt easier to stay and coast along and stay content. I really regret that. Now he's remarried and I'm single. I'm OK with being single but I also wonder if I'll ever find love again, this late in life.

Pp can you talk about this a little bit more? Do you think your kids would have been better off if you stayed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t really have a plan for his or our life. I’ve been with him for 10 years and I guess I kept waiting for him to find direction for himself and us as a family and it hasn’t exactly come to fruition. I feel feel more lost and directionless as ever as since I’m married to him, our goals should be congruent and I’m moving in the same direction.

I’m also 36 so it’s not like it’s easy for me to start over.

I’m feeling very depressed and aimless.

What are your goals? What is your plan? You are a team, and if one person has a weakness (no plan) the other person can and should try to compensate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in your shoes. Married a man without a goal or plan. Stupid me. I harbored some crazy idea that he would stop being Peter Pan.
I thought I could handle it, but the aimlessness was hard to take when we had kids. And I had to handle EVERYTHING. It eroded the marriage. There were a lot of other things wrong with the marriage like violence, hoarding, financial abuse but all part of the same package. Change was hard for him so he retreated to these ways of lashing out at life responsibilities.

At 43 I began the divorce process, stopped being SAHM. 10 years later the kids and I are doing great, they are really accomplished and my career trajectory has moved upwards beyond my expectations.
If I had stayed married I'd still be living the same life I was living while married - me trying to keep his sh!it together the kids but still exactly the same aimless, goalless, directionless life. Dear OP, I was an enabler.

We've remained amicable since the split and I see the atrophy, the same crippling dependence he has on his parents. The kids see it too.
I am grateful everyday that I got out.

+1 Violence trumps all.
Your “other stuff” is what made your marriage fail. It’s really not the same as OP at all

[Anonymous]

I would rather have someone that can handle and deal with the now. Any idiot can have a plan and goals, few can execute. And in the words of Mike Tyson “everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.” Having someone that is resilient would be much more important to me than having a plan.

Way to many variables outside of your control especially in this region.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are two big flaws with your original post.

1. Many men don’t have a vision and just get along so this is not a unique situation.

2. You’re only 36. It actually is very easy for you to start over right now. If you want out don’t wait. I am a decade older than you, and it is really too late for me but it’s certainly not too late for you. You’re not even 40.

36 is not too late. 46 is too late if you want a second family. I left at 47 but because I had kids later I’ll probably never find anyone and will likely die alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has ADHD. He's always had a vision for his work and his money, and a firm idea when he met me that he wanted to marry me and have kids. But implementing family life has been entirely driven by me. Work and finances are already more than he can handle. If I hadn't set a date for the wedding and trying to conceive, we might still be be engaged and childless, 20 years later

ADHD isn’t an excuse. I have ADHD too, and I still manage to handle everything because I treat it. Just like putting on glasses if you have poor vision.

[Anonymous]

What’s YOUR vision? Are you not equal partners? Or only equal when convenient?

[Anonymous]

I’m happy with DH with a job and pleasant disposition. Stable and nice. No vision required.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has ADHD. He's always had a vision for his work and his money, and a firm idea when he met me that he wanted to marry me and have kids. But implementing family life has been entirely driven by me. Work and finances are already more than he can handle. If I hadn't set a date for the wedding and trying to conceive, we might still be be engaged and childless, 20 years later

ADHD isn’t an excuse. I have ADHD too, and I still manage to handle everything because I treat it. Just like putting on glasses if you have poor vision.

As someone with ADHD who took 5 years to get diagnosed and 1 year to make an appointment with someone who could actually help me treat it, you are kind of minimizing how difficult it really can be to complete tasks like this. I play wack-a-mole with urgent things in my life so long term life goals seem ridiculous to me most of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m happy with DH with a job and pleasant disposition. Stable and nice. No vision required.

+1 good husband loyal kind and good father. I am the visionary control freak and there’s only room for one alpha in any relationship. So it works!

[Anonymous]

Get out while you can. I wish I had realized the gravity of the situation early thinking he would change, 30 years later we are in the same place, same apartment, same everything, it's a nightmare.

Don't be me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get out while you can. I wish I had realized the gravity of the situation early thinking he would change, 30 years later we are in the same place, same apartment, same everything, it's a nightmare.

Don't be me.

Op here.

I mean that my husband is dreamy and airy and does not have his feet on the ground. He has no timeline that he is working with and things unfold if and when they do without much planning or execution.

He doesn’t have a plan for what our family life will look like. We got married when we did because I wanted to. He showed no interest in children because he did not even make 100k until 2 years ago. We TTC then but we have had recurrent losses. We do not have a house fund, and I do not see how we will leave our rented apartment anytime soon.

I make 120k on my own now but it’s new.

I feel defeated and lost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s YOUR vision? Are you not equal partners? Or only equal when convenient?

Op here.

My vision was to have a baby after we got married at 30. So a baby at 31 or 32. Buying a house in the suburbs. Making at least 300k together.

He never showed interest in TTC until I was 34 and since then we keep having recurrent losses.

We both made only 120k combined until recently, so we have not been able to save much to do much.