Can you remain married to a man who doesn’t have a vision?

[Anonymous]

My DH is bad at long term planning but we have found a way to make it work for us. One thing that we have worked through and come out the other side on is that he used to be very negative about anything I suggested and it was so frustrating getting no ideas from him but then having anything I said shut down. Eventually we figured out that this was a knee jerk reaction that stemmed from a fear of both change and failure (he was afraid of saying "yes, that sounds amazing" because then if it didn't happen he'd feel like he failed) and he has worked on those things and it's much better.

But I have also accepted that to some degree, I will alway shave to be in the driver's seat on long term plans like relocating, how and when we retire, the bigger longterm plans for DC, etc. He struggles to come up with plans and hates committing to things -- I have to push and plan. BUT once I get him on board he's actually better at me at stuff like saving diligently for a plan and not getting cold feet. It's like his fear of change starts to work in our favor once we're moving toward a goal because he will not want to veer of course once we're on it. I have to make the initial push to really get things going and to sell him on a plan, but then he will often be the one who pushes us over the finish line on the plan I created and put together.

I do think men often tend to get complacent about things like family planning, living situation, even career -- at least that's been my experience and it sounds like yours too, OP. but I'm about a decade older than you and have found that it's something you can work through as long as you have strong communication skills and people are willing to work on themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t really have a plan for his or our life. I’ve been with him for 10 years and I guess I kept waiting for him to find direction for himself and us as a family and it hasn’t exactly come to fruition. I feel feel more lost and directionless as ever as since I’m married to him, our goals should be congruent and I’m moving in the same direction.

I’m also 36 so it’s not like it’s easy for me to start over.

I’m feeling very depressed and aimless.

Take charge, envision what you want, get him involved, make a plan, act on it. Btw this is why premarital counseling is a good idea so you know if both of you are on same page or at least reading the same book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t really have a plan for his or our life. I’ve been with him for 10 years and I guess I kept waiting for him to find direction for himself and us as a family and it hasn’t exactly come to fruition. I feel feel more lost and directionless as ever as since I’m married to him, our goals should be congruent and I’m moving in the same direction.

I’m also 36 so it’s not like it’s easy for me to start over.

I’m feeling very depressed and aimless.

Why did you marry him? People who marry, usually discuss and dream of what sort of life they'll build together. Did you love each other? Do you love each other? Are you kind to and supportive of each other? Do you want to improve your relationship or do you want to end it? If former than find a counselor, if later find a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry for your TTC losses. That must be very hard. It's really tough to want something so badly, yet feel so powerless to accomplish it, and I bet that feeling is coloring your whole relationship right now.

Having said that, I think you need to take some responsibility for your choice to marry a man with this kind of temperment. He's not likely to become the leader that you want him to be. He just isn't. The things that you want, you'll have to find a way to make happen on your own. Live with the marriage you actually have, not the one you imagine you could have had.

It's okay if you're the leader of long-term planning in your family-- I'd actually argue that that's a good thing since women tend to have longer life spans than men. Accept the role and embrace it. If you want to buy a home, figure out a plan to save-- try reading Frugalwoods blog.

[Anonymous]

The best predictor of one’s future is one’s past. When someone appears to “change,” there are always antecedents. For example, if a kid was poor but becomes rich, the kid was likely always a hard-worker, clever, ambitious, etc. OP, if you see no seeds of something better in your husband, you have what you got. On the other hand, if he has shown potential but is in a career he hates or doesn’t know how to obtain what he wants, there might be some hope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s YOUR vision? Are you not equal partners? Or only equal when convenient?

Op here.

My vision was to have a baby after we got married at 30. So a baby at 31 or 32. Buying a house in the suburbs. Making at least 300k together.

He never showed interest in TTC until I was 34 and since then we keep having recurrent losses.

We both made only 120k combined until recently, so we have not been able to save much to do much.

You guys now make $220K combine which is a fine income and more than sufficient to save for retirement and buy a decent house.

[Anonymous]

I think you might want to take a step back to talk to a counselor about the TTC issues. It could be a relationship issue, but it also sounds like you might be projecting your pain and frustration from that onto your husband. TTC losses, whatever form they take, are huge emotional events, and hard to process. Give your marriage, and yourself, a little grace and try and talk through it with a therapist if you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t really have a plan for his or our life. I’ve been with him for 10 years and I guess I kept waiting for him to find direction for himself and us as a family and it hasn’t exactly come to fruition. I feel feel more lost and directionless as ever as since I’m married to him, our goals should be congruent and I’m moving in the same direction.

I’m also 36 so it’s not like it’s easy for me to start over.

I’m feeling very depressed and aimless.

Yuck. I married into a family in now know has Aspergers and ADHD. No vision, answers questions with questions, never proactive, does bare minimum and does it totally wrong most of the time. So careless and mindless, breaks things and gets the kids in a tizzy all the time. We need a live in nanny, maybe that will mitigate the accidents, messes and forgetfulness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^*what do you mean by vision?

I assume she meant GOALS.

Goals for the kids, goals for things to do/places to go, goals for career, house, retirement, etc.

After the goals is a rough but sensible vision and plan to achieve those.

Ideas without action are nothing. Ideas dumped on other adults to make happen is codependency.

[Anonymous]

You can have the vision. I'm the big picture thinker in our family and DH works on the details to get us there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t really have a plan for his or our life. I’ve been with him for 10 years and I guess I kept waiting for him to find direction for himself and us as a family and it hasn’t exactly come to fruition. I feel feel more lost and directionless as ever as since I’m married to him, our goals should be congruent and I’m moving in the same direction.

I’m also 36 so it’s not like it’s easy for me to start over.

I’m feeling very depressed and aimless.

What are your goals? What is your plan? You are a team, and if one person has a weakness (no plan) the other person can and should try to compensate.

Deadweight will bring you down, especially if yours raising children and own a house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can have the vision. I'm the big picture thinker in our family and DH works on the details to get us there.

But what else are you in charge of or do?

[Anonymous]

I could have written this 15 years ago except I was 30. Please tell me you don't have kids? We didn't and I left. He wanted more time. I said he had taken a decade of my life and I didn't believe anything he said anymore. I'm sorry, but I'd leave. Unless you have kids and then I guess it's on you to make the vision happen? (Not that you can't divorce with kids but it's a totally different calculation).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t really have a plan for his or our life. I’ve been with him for 10 years and I guess I kept waiting for him to find direction for himself and us as a family and it hasn’t exactly come to fruition. I feel feel more lost and directionless as ever as since I’m married to him, our goals should be congruent and I’m moving in the same direction.

I’m also 36 so it’s not like it’s easy for me to start over.

I’m feeling very depressed and aimless.

I just posted but this is almost how I described it to a friend. I said I thought we signed up to run a marathon together but I keep looking around and he's nowhere to be found.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this 15 years ago except I was 30. Please tell me you don't have kids? We didn't and I left. He wanted more time. I said he had taken a decade of my life and I didn't believe anything he said anymore. I'm sorry, but I'd leave. Unless you have kids and then I guess it's on you to make the vision happen? (Not that you can't divorce with kids but it's a totally different calculation).

Agree.

Get. Out. Now.

He’s not marriage or partner material. Sorry. Maybe he said all the right things but can’t comprehend what that actually means. Don’t beat yourself up, jsut get out. You’ll be healthier and happier.