Daughter wants to pick a bad influence roommate

[Anonymous]

Wow, three pages without anyone telling op to land the helicopter. Her dd will find plenty of “bad influence” friends in college if she so choses, and op will have no control over it.

[Anonymous]

We took the approach that you can advise, but ultimately you do NOT choose your child's friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, three pages without anyone telling op to land the helicopter. Her dd will find plenty of “bad influence” friends in college if she so choses, and op will have no control over it.

Sure, that's great in theory -- but when you're putting down $50k a year don't you want to give your kid boundaries and not use this as a time to learn expensive lessons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, three pages without anyone telling op to land the helicopter. Her dd will find plenty of “bad influence” friends in college if she so choses, and op will have no control over it.

Sure, that's great in theory -- but when you're putting down $50k a year don't you want to give your kid boundaries and not use this as a time to learn expensive lessons?

“My dd is fragile herself and doesn't have a strong personality, and I feel this roommate pairing could be a disaster. Her merit aid depends on her keeping a good GPA, which has proven difficult for her, when she is mired down with other stressors during high school.”

Hopefully OP isn’t spending $50k.

[Anonymous]

You can gently offer your opinion, nothing more. Maybe suggest they select the same dorm or area of campus so they will be close but not too close.

I have a DD who had some trouble in high school but she was not a "bad influence" on anybody and did not bring ruination and misery to her college roommates. She matured and dealt with her issues.

It doesn't sound like your daughter has been unduly influenced by her friend to date and she may value their friendship for reasons you can't see or understand because you have decided the friend has no redeemable qualities.

Also there is no guarantee that any random roommate will be an angel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, three pages without anyone telling op to land the helicopter. Her dd will find plenty of “bad influence” friends in college if she so choses, and op will have no control over it.

Sure, that's great in theory -- but when you're putting down $50k a year don't you want to give your kid boundaries and not use this as a time to learn expensive lessons?

Good luck with that, once op’s dd is on campus and the family car drives off, she can and will hang out with whomever she choses, including this high school friend, regardless of whether they are roommates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it's really true the HS friends always make bad roommates, then that's the expedient way to get rid of this person, no? But not my experience. I had plenty of bad roommates in the dorms, then junior year moved off campus with a HS friend, someone who is still important to me now that I have kids in college.

Big difference.

But OP wants to dispose of this friend, so, either it turns out to not be a problem she expects, or this a sure fire way to ruin the friendship. I don't see the HS connection being an issue, most freshman roommates end up being disposable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, three pages without anyone telling op to land the helicopter. Her dd will find plenty of “bad influence” friends in college if she so choses, and op will have no control over it.

Sure, that's great in theory -- but when you're putting down $50k a year don't you want to give your kid boundaries and not use this as a time to learn expensive lessons?

Good luck with that, once op’s dd is on campus and the family car drives off, she can and will hang out with whomever she choses, including this high school friend, regardless of whether they are roommates.

Yeah but living in that environment is so different from hanging out with the friend. The DD will have control over when she wants to see that friend and booze or do whatever. And I also understand that when you sign up to live with a stranger you might be paired with someone who also parties a lot, but the DD will much more easily be able to stand up for herself without all the of past history of a childhood friend. There's also a weird dynamic of standing up to the childhood friend and worrying that friend will report back to their mutual high school friends that DD is being a jerk/ loser/ whatever. It's just cleaner to go with a stranger and walk away if it doesn't work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, three pages without anyone telling op to land the helicopter. Her dd will find plenty of “bad influence” friends in college if she so choses, and op will have no control over it.

Sure, that's great in theory -- but when you're putting down $50k a year don't you want to give your kid boundaries and not use this as a time to learn expensive lessons?

Good luck with that, once op’s dd is on campus and the family car drives off, she can and will hang out with whomever she choses, including this high school friend, regardless of whether they are roommates.

Yeah but living in that environment is so different from hanging out with the friend. The DD will have control over when she wants to see that friend and booze or do whatever. And I also understand that when you sign up to live with a stranger you might be paired with someone who also parties a lot, but the DD will much more easily be able to stand up for herself without all the of past history of a childhood friend. There's also a weird dynamic of standing up to the childhood friend and worrying that friend will report back to their mutual high school friends that DD is being a jerk/ loser/ whatever. It's just cleaner to go with a stranger and walk away if it doesn't work.

Whatever you need to tell yourself to make yourself feel better about it. Also do people really think their kids aren’t going to drink in college if only they had the right roommate? Some of you are living in a major state of delusion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, three pages without anyone telling op to land the helicopter. Her dd will find plenty of “bad influence” friends in college if she so choses, and op will have no control over it.

Sure, that's great in theory -- but when you're putting down $50k a year don't you want to give your kid boundaries and not use this as a time to learn expensive lessons?

Good luck with that, once op’s dd is on campus and the family car drives off, she can and will hang out with whomever she choses, including this high school friend, regardless of whether they are roommates.

Yeah but living in that environment is so different from hanging out with the friend. The DD will have control over when she wants to see that friend and booze or do whatever. And I also understand that when you sign up to live with a stranger you might be paired with someone who also parties a lot, but the DD will much more easily be able to stand up for herself without all the of past history of a childhood friend. There's also a weird dynamic of standing up to the childhood friend and worrying that friend will report back to their mutual high school friends that DD is being a jerk/ loser/ whatever. It's just cleaner to go with a stranger and walk away if it doesn't work.

+1
You might have problems with a random roommate, but it's a bit more depersonalized than a long-time friend. It's just very common advice not to room with a childhood/hs friend your freshman year. Even if they were super-nice and squeaky clean. It's just too limiting and too stressful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, three pages without anyone telling op to land the helicopter. Her dd will find plenty of “bad influence” friends in college if she so choses, and op will have no control over it.

Sure, that's great in theory -- but when you're putting down $50k a year don't you want to give your kid boundaries and not use this as a time to learn expensive lessons?

Good luck with that, once op’s dd is on campus and the family car drives off, she can and will hang out with whomever she choses, including this high school friend, regardless of whether they are roommates.

Yeah but living in that environment is so different from hanging out with the friend. The DD will have control over when she wants to see that friend and booze or do whatever. And I also understand that when you sign up to live with a stranger you might be paired with someone who also parties a lot, but the DD will much more easily be able to stand up for herself without all the of past history of a childhood friend. There's also a weird dynamic of standing up to the childhood friend and worrying that friend will report back to their mutual high school friends that DD is being a jerk/ loser/ whatever. It's just cleaner to go with a stranger and walk away if it doesn't work.

Whatever you need to tell yourself to make yourself feel better about it. Also do people really think their kids aren’t going to drink in college if only they had the right roommate? Some of you are living in a major state of delusion.

I don't think you're grasping the conversation. If the OP's daughter wants to drink, then she will. The concern is the possibility of OP's DD living with someone who seems to have addiction/ substance abuse issues. If you've never lived with someone who struggles with substance abuse, then you might not understand how it impacts others. You cannot escape it and the OPs DD is on merit based aid. Knowingly setting the DD up in a chaotic situation does not bode well for academic success. If the DD breeds her own chaos, then so be it, but that's not what we're talking about.

[Anonymous]

Emphasize that you don’t know how the transition to college will go, she needs to maintain a high GPA to retain her scholarship, therefore you suggest she room with a stranger rather than a friend . The latter will be more distracting and tempt her to talk / hang out rather than study.

This way she can still see her friend but have more control over how much time they spend together.

Good luck. (You are right!!)

[Anonymous]

Thank you everyone for your good advice and reminding me of common sense.
Best practice is not to have a high school friend as roommate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it's really true the HS friends always make bad roommates, then that's the expedient way to get rid of this person, no? But not my experience. I had plenty of bad roommates in the dorms, then junior year moved off campus with a HS friend, someone who is still important to me now that I have kids in college.

It's just considered more risky - because living with roommates is hard, esp when in a shared room and everyone is just getting used to independence. A bad roommate who is also a long time friend messes up more spheres of your life (your immediate rooming situation, your prior friendship, your social network at home) at a time when you're trying to adjust. Just a bad roommate is a hassle that you manage.
Living off campus with a friend when you are a little older is very different than sharing a room when you first get to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Best to assume your child will hardly ever see their roommate.

How does this help with this situation?

The people saying that their kids are going to make friends through their roommate need to hear that.

The point isn’t whether or not it’s true. The point is that it is a valid reason for saying no to a childhood friend as a roommate. Rooming with my childhood friend absolutely ruined the relationship. I’d never suggest my kids room with someone they knew in the first year.