Daughter wants to pick a bad influence roommate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would step in and talk with her. Agree with PP about not being roommates with anyone from high school, even if they were the greatest kid and had no issues. College is about expanding your horizons and taking risks to meet new people. It’s difficult to do that with one foot planted back in your home town. By no means am I saying that your kid can’t be friends with kids from her high school while at college. But being roommates puts a dimension on her experience that can limit her.

+1
This is the right approach to take. Don't make it about the girl you consider a bad influence. Make it about new opportunities. It's better to have a friend that you do not live with, in order to have conversations about adapting to living with someone new. If both girls room with someone they don't know already, they have the opportunities to expand their social circles and meet more new people through those roommates.

[Anonymous]

Gap year.

Tell your daughter that you will not pay any portion of her costs if she rooms with this troubled individual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her if they each get a different roommate they increase their chances of making two new friends (each of their new roomies).

Do not go into college with any expectation of being friends with your roommate.

+1

Very common for roommates to each go their own way.

[Anonymous]

I can't help you until you tell me which OOS school this is.

[Anonymous]

Tell her you will not pay for college and she cannot live at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Best to assume your child will hardly ever see their roommate.

Or that the roommate rarely leaves the room & brings over several other bad influences.

[Anonymous]

Tell her kid to vet vet vet prospective roommates. No pot, no incense, no cigarettes, no burning sage. No leaving the dorm room propped open at all hours of the day because roommate is too lazy to carry a key. No blasting music in the middle of the night.

My child had constant roommate issues living in the dorms freshman & sophomore year that didn’t abate until they had their own room in an off-campus apartment (not group house) as an upperclassman. This was a top state flagship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dd got into a great out of state public school with good merit aid. However, now that she is choosing housing, she and a high school friend decided they want to be roommates.

DH and I do not like this friend. She's had a troubled past and seems mentally unstable. She has had drug problems and is sexually promiscuous and often acts out in dramatic ways to call attention to herself. I have not forbidden my dd to have this friend (how could I, they see each other at school daily), but we've told our dd repeatedly that this friend makes bad decisions and to be careful around her.

My dd is fragile herself and doesn't have a strong personality, and I feel this roommate pairing could be a disaster. Her merit aid depends on her keeping a good GPA, which has proven difficult for her, when she is mired down with other stressors during high school.

We want to tell her flat out no to this roommate choice, but want to softer with our delivery.
So what do we say/do?

If you tell her no, than she will dig in her heels. Just be supportive whatever she chooses. She isn't marrying her so I wouldn't worry so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would come at it from a different angle. I might suggest it's great she has a HS friend at college but unless she has a roommate who is new, she won't get the chance to meet as many new people as possible when she first gets there - and that is crucial.

+1

[Anonymous]

Ugh, I agree OP, it sounds like a bad idea.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, this is a hard message to deliver, but the answer should be a hard No. You are paying, you have final say. Your DD already knows how you feel about her friend, this should not come as a complete surprise when you draw a line.

[Anonymous]

HARD NO.

Never live with a friend from HS.

I think this girl will negatively effect your DD's freshman year even if they don't live together.

If they do, complete disaster.

You are paying - you can set this limit.

[Anonymous]

Completely disagree, she's an adult, she can make this decision. As the one PP suggested, there's a huge element of benign neglect with roommates even in the best of circumstances--they're ever present so getting on with your business means ignoring each other respectfully. If she's more comfortable setting out on this path with someone she knows, that's fine. Even someone with known flaws, because those are easier to anticipate.

Now, if you want to be passive aggressive piece of work, just tell her miss cray-cray isn't going to make it through a semester at which point DC gets assigned a roommate who's already been through a personality conflict of some sort in her first matchup, so the whole thing repeats with another basket case. But then she's pulled rank on the HS friend, which could also go badly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make sure you do a lot of listening and asking questions without judgment.
“Can you say more about why you want to be roommates with Sally?” Paraphrase her answers back to make sure you really understand her. It’s important to get at what’s driving this decision.

Is she feeling pressure from Sally?
Is she nervous about meeting new people?
Is she just looking for a quick way to take care of this task?
Is she afraid of disappointing this friend and doesn’t have the language to say no?

The more you listen to her, the better you can support her.

"Sally is a slut, dear."

[Anonymous]

I will not pay for room & board if you request her as your roommate. It's that simple.