Daughter wants to pick a bad influence roommate

[Anonymous]

Offer to pay for a private room

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Offer to pay for a private room

Ha. Do you think that's magically an option? Many colleges do not have the option of a single (and it's called a single, not a "private room") for a freshman. Older students usually get priority for requests for single rooms at most colleges and universities (not all, but most). Mom and dad offering to pay more will not change the fact that the older students will get the single rooms.

[Anonymous]

How do you have any choice in the matter short of refusing to pay for college?

[Anonymous]

I'm with the "it's a bad idea to roommate with a HS friend--good or bad influence or not" idea. Go random, focus on the contract and what kind of environment you need (bedtimes, visitor policy etc.) That's the best option. Rooming with a friend is the best way to end up hating that friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make sure you do a lot of listening and asking questions without judgment.
“Can you say more about why you want to be roommates with Sally?” Paraphrase her answers back to make sure you really understand her. It’s important to get at what’s driving this decision.

Is she feeling pressure from Sally?
Is she nervous about meeting new people?
Is she just looking for a quick way to take care of this task?
Is she afraid of disappointing this friend and doesn’t have the language to say no?

The more you listen to her, the better you can support her.

To me the most sensible advice in this thread so far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You never room with a high school friend.

This. They likelihood of them staying friends after being roommates is slim.

[Anonymous]

Yup, agree with this. My brother roomed with a childhood friend of his and it ended up a nightmare. The kid was always drinking in the room and my brother was on an athletic scholarship and had to go sleep elsewhere nights before big games because his roommate was so inconsiderate and would keep him up drinking/ having friends in and out of the room, etc. Then his roommate had booze and drugs in the room and they were both written up because the roommate wouldn't cop to it being just his. They haven't spoken in 25 years, it was a terrible experience. They'd probably still be friends if they hadn't roomed together because this type of behavior is only obnoxious when you can't escape it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her kid to vet vet vet prospective roommates. No pot, no incense, no cigarettes, no burning sage. No leaving the dorm room propped open at all hours of the day because roommate is too lazy to carry a key. No blasting music in the middle of the night.

My child had constant roommate issues living in the dorms freshman & sophomore year that didn’t abate until they had their own room in an off-campus apartment (not group house) as an upperclassman. This was a top state flagship.

??? Isn't this part of the college experience? Only partially kidding, but given that some would think so, this demonstrates the importance of compatibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make sure you do a lot of listening and asking questions without judgment.
“Can you say more about why you want to be roommates with Sally?” Paraphrase her answers back to make sure you really understand her. It’s important to get at what’s driving this decision.

Is she feeling pressure from Sally?
Is she nervous about meeting new people?
Is she just looking for a quick way to take care of this task?
Is she afraid of disappointing this friend and doesn’t have the language to say no?

The more you listen to her, the better you can support her.

Very good advice.

In addition to the merits of having a roommate who forces you out of your high school groove, it's worth thinking about whether the person you like as a friend would make a good roommate. Someone who is fun to hang with is not necessarily easy to live with, and I'm not saying "Your daughter's friend is trash, she should do some shunning!" But keeping similar hours, having similar senses of how social you want your room to be, etc. are important considerations.

[Anonymous]

Being roommates with a HS friend is the fastest way to lose that friend. Heck even being roommates with a college friend will do that. My sophomore DD is living with her very best friend from freshman year and they are barely on speaking terms and the only reason they are is that they have a huge apartment so can stay away from each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:HARD NO.

Never live with a friend from HS.

I think this girl will negatively effect your DD's freshman year even if they don't live together.

If they do, complete disaster.

You are paying - you can set this limit.

+1
Hard no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would step in and talk with her. Agree with PP about not being roommates with anyone from high school, even if they were the greatest kid and had no issues. College is about expanding your horizons and taking risks to meet new people. It’s difficult to do that with one foot planted back in your home town. By no means am I saying that your kid can’t be friends with kids from her high school while at college. But being roommates puts a dimension on her experience that can limit her.

This. She should not be roommates with any high school friend. Make it less personal by talking about it that way.

[Anonymous]

If it's really true the HS friends always make bad roommates, then that's the expedient way to get rid of this person, no? But not my experience. I had plenty of bad roommates in the dorms, then junior year moved off campus with a HS friend, someone who is still important to me now that I have kids in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You never room with a high school friend.

This. They likelihood of them staying friends after being roommates is slim.

+1. Happened to me, and fwiw this particular friend was not a bad influence.

I think you state your opinion, OP, and then let her decide. "Mary has some habits that make us concerned that she wouldn't be a good fit as a roommate."

Kids this age need to learn from failures and be allowed to fail. They cannot learn if they don't fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it's really true the HS friends always make bad roommates, then that's the expedient way to get rid of this person, no? But not my experience. I had plenty of bad roommates in the dorms, then junior year moved off campus with a HS friend, someone who is still important to me now that I have kids in college.

Big difference.