Daughter wants to pick a bad influence roommate

[Anonymous]

My dd got into a great out of state public school with good merit aid. However, now that she is choosing housing, she and a high school friend decided they want to be roommates.

DH and I do not like this friend. She's had a troubled past and seems mentally unstable. She has had drug problems and is sexually promiscuous and often acts out in dramatic ways to call attention to herself. I have not forbidden my dd to have this friend (how could I, they see each other at school daily), but we've told our dd repeatedly that this friend makes bad decisions and to be careful around her.

My dd is fragile herself and doesn't have a strong personality, and I feel this roommate pairing could be a disaster. Her merit aid depends on her keeping a good GPA, which has proven difficult for her, when she is mired down with other stressors during high school.

We want to tell her flat out no to this roommate choice, but want to softer with our delivery.
So what do we say/do?

[Anonymous]

You never room with a high school friend.

[Anonymous]

Of course you say no. You’re the one paying room & board, right?

[Anonymous]

Tell her if they each get a different roommate they increase their chances of making two new friends (each of their new roomies).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her if they each get a different roommate they increase their chances of making two new friends (each of their new roomies).

Do not go into college with any expectation of being friends with your roommate.

[Anonymous]

I would step in and talk with her. Agree with PP about not being roommates with anyone from high school, even if they were the greatest kid and had no issues. College is about expanding your horizons and taking risks to meet new people. It’s difficult to do that with one foot planted back in your home town. By no means am I saying that your kid can’t be friends with kids from her high school while at college. But being roommates puts a dimension on her experience that can limit her.

[Anonymous]

Rooming with a friend as an underclassman (meaning you’re sharing a bedroom) is the quickest way to ruin a childhood friendship.

[Anonymous]

Make sure you do a lot of listening and asking questions without judgment.
“Can you say more about why you want to be roommates with Sally?” Paraphrase her answers back to make sure you really understand her. It’s important to get at what’s driving this decision.

Is she feeling pressure from Sally?
Is she nervous about meeting new people?
Is she just looking for a quick way to take care of this task?
Is she afraid of disappointing this friend and doesn’t have the language to say no?

The more you listen to her, the better you can support her.

[Anonymous]

Her friend will probably drop out after fall semester, so your dd will get a single for spring.

[Anonymous]

I would come at it from a different angle. I might suggest it's great she has a HS friend at college but unless she has a roommate who is new, she won't get the chance to meet as many new people as possible when she first gets there - and that is crucial.

[Anonymous]

Best to assume your child will hardly ever see their roommate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Best to assume your child will hardly ever see their roommate.

How does this help with this situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Best to assume your child will hardly ever see their roommate.

How does this help with this situation?

The people saying that their kids are going to make friends through their roommate need to hear that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her if they each get a different roommate they increase their chances of making two new friends (each of their new roomies).

Do not go into college with any expectation of being friends with your roommate.

Obviously, but it is typically also recommended that you NOT room with someone from home/you know. First, it could ruin that friendship by living in close quarters. Second, it gives you the chance to make friends with your roommate and their friends, giving you another social group (potentially) while still having the friend(s) you know from home.
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But it simply gives you more venues for meeting people.

[Anonymous]

I agree with never room with a high school friend. It's best to room with someone you don't know.as well. Your dd may just be anxious about college, but remind her she really needs to be able to sleep safely in her room at night and a roommate who is bringing a new guy back every week doesn't led to a safe place to sleep.