DH (WH) about to be hospitalized for suicide ideation- what do I need to know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cancelling or postponing a business trip because your spouse is in the hospital is not sacrificing your career.

+1

I think OP is in understandable fear that canceling her first trip after a promotion looks bad. And frankly it will to some. But if her DH gets hospitalized, she needs to treat it the same as if he'd been in a terrible car crash and was hospitalized -- who would leave in that circumstance? No one. It might be a short-term ding with a few managers at work but not with any decent manager.

I disagree. I’m the BTDT poster.

She is being manipulated. The more his emotional manipulation causes OP to change your plans the more he learns that his manipulation works to his favor

I don’t think she should go on her trip for career reasons. She needs to go on her trip to show her husband. His mental health issues are his and his only and she will not stop her life for him.

To people who have not dealt with this, this might seem cold, but this is actually a form of treatment. You can’t compare this situation to a stroke. Just like you would not treat a mentally ill person with the same treatment plan as he would somebody with a stroke

Like an earlier PP who replied to you, I'll note that you are projecting your own past experience hard here. I'm sorry if your spouse was manipulative. But you're advising OP to proceed on the assumption her DH is trying to manipulate her--basically, you are telling her to assume he's faking a mental health crisis. Do you not see the risk you're telling her to take, if it turns out he is suicidal?

OP is not a mental health professional and is in no position right now to decide that her DH is faking. Neither are you. The potential cost to their family if he's not faking is so incredibly high. This is why mental health professionals tend to take suicidal statements at face value to start with. Leave it to the doctors to figure all this out re: OP's DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cancelling or postponing a business trip because your spouse is in the hospital is not sacrificing your career.

+1

I think OP is in understandable fear that canceling her first trip after a promotion looks bad. And frankly it will to some. But if her DH gets hospitalized, she needs to treat it the same as if he'd been in a terrible car crash and was hospitalized -- who would leave in that circumstance? No one. It might be a short-term ding with a few managers at work but not with any decent manager.

The affair is a big part of the calculus for some PPs. Obviously need to make sure the kids are taken care of, but beyond that it's really optional for OP in terms of how much to be there for this DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're getting a lot of advice here, OP, and most of it seems good, but I want to add one thing: Do not leave him alone with your children after this.

Like someone above notes, I rather doubt he's going to be admitted to inpatient unless you're very fortunate and get a doctor who believes your DH is an imminent danger to himself, and frankly you may not get that lucky. The "ideation" you mention seems to be your take, not yet a doctor's opinion. It can be harder than people realize to get an inpatient emergency commitment to a hospital. If they admit him-- great, but you still cannot travel unless you have complete coverage for your kids 24/7 if he's in the hospital. And you and he and the kids need someone there to live with him and the kids after he's released, if he's released while you're gone (on this work trip or any other work trip). in fact, consider lining up live-in help, period. I am not saying he's a danger to your kids but he at least should not be trying to cope with parenting if he's dead-eyed, checked out and talking about dying. You need TOTAL help all day and night, not a little babysitting here and there.

Also ask yourself if you will be able to do your work effectively on this trip if you are thinking every second about your DH and kids back home.

Send him to go live with his parents. OP does not need to be his caretaker on top of everything else.

Huge assumption there that he has living parents; his parents have room for him; his parents would WANT him there; his parents are in good enough health to cope with an adult who may be mentally ill....Just vast assumptions. I would bet that if there were no affair involved, responses like this one wouldn't even be on the thread. I'm not defending the DH's affair, but I'm noting that there seems to be a theme in some posts that he deserves to be chucked in the trash (or shoved off to his parents' house) even if he's genuinely suicidal, because, affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cancelling or postponing a business trip because your spouse is in the hospital is not sacrificing your career.

+1

I think OP is in understandable fear that canceling her first trip after a promotion looks bad. And frankly it will to some. But if her DH gets hospitalized, she needs to treat it the same as if he'd been in a terrible car crash and was hospitalized -- who would leave in that circumstance? No one. It might be a short-term ding with a few managers at work but not with any decent manager.

I disagree. I’m the BTDT poster.

She is being manipulated. The more his emotional manipulation causes OP to change your plans the more he learns that his manipulation works to his favor

I don’t think she should go on her trip for career reasons. She needs to go on her trip to show her husband. His mental health issues are his and his only and she will not stop her life for him.

To people who have not dealt with this, this might seem cold, but this is actually a form of treatment. You can’t compare this situation to a stroke. Just like you would not treat a mentally ill person with the same treatment plan as he would somebody with a stroke

When DH had to be all-in at work for a few weeks, OP was there carrying the entire load at home. Now that it's OP's work opportunity, this DH has fallen apart and is throwing a a huge roadblock in front of her. Yes life isn't fair or tit for tat but the fact that it's a cheating DH just makes me so angry for OP. (Yes I am a DP than above)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're getting a lot of advice here, OP, and most of it seems good, but I want to add one thing: Do not leave him alone with your children after this.

Like someone above notes, I rather doubt he's going to be admitted to inpatient unless you're very fortunate and get a doctor who believes your DH is an imminent danger to himself, and frankly you may not get that lucky. The "ideation" you mention seems to be your take, not yet a doctor's opinion. It can be harder than people realize to get an inpatient emergency commitment to a hospital. If they admit him-- great, but you still cannot travel unless you have complete coverage for your kids 24/7 if he's in the hospital. And you and he and the kids need someone there to live with him and the kids after he's released, if he's released while you're gone (on this work trip or any other work trip). in fact, consider lining up live-in help, period. I am not saying he's a danger to your kids but he at least should not be trying to cope with parenting if he's dead-eyed, checked out and talking about dying. You need TOTAL help all day and night, not a little babysitting here and there.

Also ask yourself if you will be able to do your work effectively on this trip if you are thinking every second about your DH and kids back home.

Send him to go live with his parents. OP does not need to be his caretaker on top of everything else.

Huge assumption there that he has living parents; his parents have room for him; his parents would WANT him there; his parents are in good enough health to cope with an adult who may be mentally ill....Just vast assumptions. I would bet that if there were no affair involved, responses like this one wouldn't even be on the thread. I'm not defending the DH's affair, but I'm noting that there seems to be a theme in some posts that he deserves to be chucked in the trash (or shoved off to his parents' house) even if he's genuinely suicidal, because, affair.

OP mentioned the in laws being willing to come to help, so they have resources.

Yes, the affair matters. It sounds like he is unable to effectively fix the marriage and has become severely depressed because he cannot cope. If he cannot cope with fixing his own mistakes, and living in the house is causing this reaction on his part, then he needs to go. For his good and everyone else’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cancelling or postponing a business trip because your spouse is in the hospital is not sacrificing your career.

+1

I think OP is in understandable fear that canceling her first trip after a promotion looks bad. And frankly it will to some. But if her DH gets hospitalized, she needs to treat it the same as if he'd been in a terrible car crash and was hospitalized -- who would leave in that circumstance? No one. It might be a short-term ding with a few managers at work but not with any decent manager.

The affair is a big part of the calculus for some PPs. Obviously need to make sure the kids are taken care of, but beyond that it's really optional for OP in terms of how much to be there for this DH.

Of course the affair is part of the calculus. But maybe OP doesn't want the father of her kids to be, you know, dead, or so mentally unbalanced he can't be a father as they grow up.

That doesn't mean she has to stay married to him or be his caretaker, but right NOW, today, this weekend, she is in the middle of an immediate crisis and has to get questions answered and arrangements made. "Being there for him" or not is kind of irrelevant here and now. She's asking in her OP about logistics, not "Should I be his caretaker, should I 'be there' for him..."

[Anonymous]

I agree that some pps are wildly projecting. This sounds like a true mental health crisis op and you are right to get your husband help (and I would consider never having a gun in your home again, personally. Most suicides are impulsive and done without much decision making, the biggest risk is having such a quick way to die in your home when that impulsive though comes. It is very high risk for anyone with a history of suicidal ideation).

Just because an involuntary hospitalization might not happen, that isn’t ideal anyways - it is ALWAYS ideal for a hospitalization to be voluntary. Hopefully your husband will agree and it sounds like he is very appropriate for an inpatient hospitalization. I would personally let my employer know that husband is hospitalized and ask for some grace (and maybe FMLA). You don’t have to disclose everything if you don’t want to. Any employer where a family crisis would risk your career is problematic anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cancelling or postponing a business trip because your spouse is in the hospital is not sacrificing your career.

+1

I think OP is in understandable fear that canceling her first trip after a promotion looks bad. And frankly it will to some. But if her DH gets hospitalized, she needs to treat it the same as if he'd been in a terrible car crash and was hospitalized -- who would leave in that circumstance? No one. It might be a short-term ding with a few managers at work but not with any decent manager.

The affair is a big part of the calculus for some PPs. Obviously need to make sure the kids are taken care of, but beyond that it's really optional for OP in terms of how much to be there for this DH.

Of course the affair is part of the calculus. But maybe OP doesn't want the father of her kids to be, you know, dead, or so mentally unbalanced he can't be a father as they grow up.

That doesn't mean she has to stay married to him or be his caretaker, but right NOW, today, this weekend, she is in the middle of an immediate crisis and has to get questions answered and arrangements made. "Being there for him" or not is kind of irrelevant here and now. She's asking in her OP about logistics, not "Should I be his caretaker, should I 'be there' for him..."

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cancelling or postponing a business trip because your spouse is in the hospital is not sacrificing your career.

+1

I think OP is in understandable fear that canceling her first trip after a promotion looks bad. And frankly it will to some. But if her DH gets hospitalized, she needs to treat it the same as if he'd been in a terrible car crash and was hospitalized -- who would leave in that circumstance? No one. It might be a short-term ding with a few managers at work but not with any decent manager.

I disagree. I’m the BTDT poster.

She is being manipulated. The more his emotional manipulation causes OP to change your plans the more he learns that his manipulation works to his favor

I don’t think she should go on her trip for career reasons. She needs to go on her trip to show her husband. His mental health issues are his and his only and she will not stop her life for him.

To people who have not dealt with this, this might seem cold, but this is actually a form of treatment. You can’t compare this situation to a stroke. Just like you would not treat a mentally ill person with the same treatment plan as he would somebody with a stroke

Like an earlier PP who replied to you, I'll note that you are projecting your own past experience hard here. I'm sorry if your spouse was manipulative. But you're advising OP to proceed on the assumption her DH is trying to manipulate her--basically, you are telling her to assume he's faking a mental health crisis. Do you not see the risk you're telling her to take, if it turns out he is suicidal?

OP is not a mental health professional and is in no position right now to decide that her DH is faking. Neither are you. The potential cost to their family if he's not faking is so incredibly high. This is why mental health professionals tend to take suicidal statements at face value to start with. Leave it to the doctors to figure all this out re: OP's DH.

You misunderstand. PP is not saying he is faking. She is saying that his behavior is maintained by the reinforcement he gets from others. This is basic family systems stuff. If OP continues to overfunction by making her DH’s illness the focus, that is going to reinforce his behavior. He is depressed because he does not want to cope with his situation. Conversely, OP focusing on her DH’s illness also means she doesn’t have to accept the situation and move on with a new life.

I see this as a crisis that OP should take advantage of. Send DH to his parents. Put your own life back together without him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cancelling or postponing a business trip because your spouse is in the hospital is not sacrificing your career.

+1

I think OP is in understandable fear that canceling her first trip after a promotion looks bad. And frankly it will to some. But if her DH gets hospitalized, she needs to treat it the same as if he'd been in a terrible car crash and was hospitalized -- who would leave in that circumstance? No one. It might be a short-term ding with a few managers at work but not with any decent manager.

I disagree. I’m the BTDT poster.

She is being manipulated. The more his emotional manipulation causes OP to change your plans the more he learns that his manipulation works to his favor

I don’t think she should go on her trip for career reasons. She needs to go on her trip to show her husband. His mental health issues are his and his only and she will not stop her life for him.

To people who have not dealt with this, this might seem cold, but this is actually a form of treatment. You can’t compare this situation to a stroke. Just like you would not treat a mentally ill person with the same treatment plan as he would somebody with a stroke

When DH had to be all-in at work for a few weeks, OP was there carrying the entire load at home. Now that it's OP's work opportunity, this DH has fallen apart and is throwing a a huge roadblock in front of her. Yes life isn't fair or tit for tat but the fact that it's a cheating DH just makes me so angry for OP. (Yes I am a DP than above)

That’s right. This situation will just continue screwing OP over one way or another if she cannot move on and accept the marriage is over.

[Anonymous]

Moving on may mean leaving the kids alone with him, simplistic answers leave our real world considerations like that.

I'm sorry, OP. You said you saw his mental health slipping a month ago, so before the work crisis. He needs a more robust treatment team with a plan for such a scenario. He needs a psychiatrist and possibly a trauma focused therapist, DBT, etc. At some point he may benefit from EMDR or somatic experiencing but he has to be stable first.

OP, is there somewhere the kids can go to be cared for while you are on your trip? Family, friends, a neighbor? That would be the ideal so as to keep your job as capable of supporting you and the kids as possible. If not, I'd cancel trip.

Are you the PP who learned of the affair while on a family trip? If so, sounds like there is a lot of local help for you.

No pretending that your world has not fundamentally changed OP. If you split, get a lawyer familiar with building in protections for kids when a parent has MI or addictions. A few get mentioned on here regularly.

Do not say mental health crisis to your work or his. Not necessary and not helpful.

[Anonymous]

I agree if you do the trip the kids need to go elsewhere. Do not leave them alone with him until he has recovered completely. I realize that is stressful but the other alternative could be much, much worse — from them discovering him to other things better not to even discuss.

You can’t stop him from harming himself but you need to make sure the kids are safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moving on may mean leaving the kids alone with him, simplistic answers leave our real world considerations like that.

I'm sorry, OP. You said you saw his mental health slipping a month ago, so before the work crisis. He needs a more robust treatment team with a plan for such a scenario. He needs a psychiatrist and possibly a trauma focused therapist, DBT, etc. At some point he may benefit from EMDR or somatic experiencing but he has to be stable first.

OP, is there somewhere the kids can go to be cared for while you are on your trip? Family, friends, a neighbor? That would be the ideal so as to keep your job as capable of supporting you and the kids as possible. If not, I'd cancel trip.

Are you the PP who learned of the affair while on a family trip? If so, sounds like there is a lot of local help for you.

No pretending that your world has not fundamentally changed OP. If you split, get a lawyer familiar with building in protections for kids when a parent has MI or addictions. A few get mentioned on here regularly.

Do not say mental health crisis to your work or his. Not necessary and not helpful.

Where did OP say DH has experienced trauma? Just seems unable to deal with problems of his own creation.

Otherwise these are great suggestions.

[Anonymous]

OP, how are you holding up?

I will be surprised if he is admitted. What is your plan re: that possibility?

If it can be avoided, I would not leave young kids alone with him ever again. He is a risk.

Is his therapist being helpful? For many this would be well beyond their skill set. Does he have a psychiatrist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're getting a lot of advice here, OP, and most of it seems good, but I want to add one thing: Do not leave him alone with your children after this.

Like someone above notes, I rather doubt he's going to be admitted to inpatient unless you're very fortunate and get a doctor who believes your DH is an imminent danger to himself, and frankly you may not get that lucky. The "ideation" you mention seems to be your take, not yet a doctor's opinion. It can be harder than people realize to get an inpatient emergency commitment to a hospital. If they admit him-- great, but you still cannot travel unless you have complete coverage for your kids 24/7 if he's in the hospital. And you and he and the kids need someone there to live with him and the kids after he's released, if he's released while you're gone (on this work trip or any other work trip). in fact, consider lining up live-in help, period. I am not saying he's a danger to your kids but he at least should not be trying to cope with parenting if he's dead-eyed, checked out and talking about dying. You need TOTAL help all day and night, not a little babysitting here and there.

Also ask yourself if you will be able to do your work effectively on this trip if you are thinking every second about your DH and kids back home.

Send him to go live with his parents. OP does not need to be his caretaker on top of everything else.

Huge assumption there that he has living parents; his parents have room for him; his parents would WANT him there; his parents are in good enough health to cope with an adult who may be mentally ill....Just vast assumptions. I would bet that if there were no affair involved, responses like this one wouldn't even be on the thread. I'm not defending the DH's affair, but I'm noting that there seems to be a theme in some posts that he deserves to be chucked in the trash (or shoved off to his parents' house) even if he's genuinely suicidal, because, affair.

Yes. For putting his spouse through more of his bullsh@t. Where’s AP? She can step up and do the nut house visits.