For those of you whose parents divorced when you were 20+, if one of your parents started a second

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:family, what was that like?

I am in this boat now and it’s happening really fast. My parents were married for 30 years, then the divorce -> dad’s second wife (my “stepmom”) about to have her baby happened in a 5 year period. Should I be happy?

Of course not, why would you be happy? At least part of what could be your inheritance is going to that baby’s college fund!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

It sure did impact their potential inheritance!
-a second wife who isn’t hiding her head in the sand

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure, why not be happy for them. How is it affecting you?

It affects you because you are very rarely still treated as your parent's child. They are focused on a toddler and you're "all grown up". Men are not good with this.

How does it not:
-additional heirs to your dad's estate, reducing your future share
-future estate also reduced by the education, college and overall cost of those children-- this affects grandchildren too since there will be more of them
-possible total disinheritance if the 2nd wive comes sole heir after he passes
-kids who may have better lives than you ever did bc he is wealthier now and also more available
-reduced loyalty since you are "done"
-dividing up the holidays
-stigma and reduced ability to attract desirable mate since one's parents are no longer married to each other
-graduations and weddings become occasions where you have to keep mom and step mom away from each other

It truly sucks.

Wow, it may suck, but you deserve it. If you are concerned about your "reduced ability...", look at the mirror. The reason for that reduced ability will be staring at you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

Wow. I hope he divorces you someday and you will see your error.

Sorry but what did she say that warrants that nasty response from you. Also second wife here. 18 year age gap between SD and my kids. She acts like they do not exist. Don't be an a*$hole like her. Make an effort

Did you make an effort?

PP here absolutely did .. better relationship than she had with her dad. Also got along with the first wife until the new babies came and then she became nasty

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Always feel relieved that my husband and I both agreed to get fixed when we had our last kid. No matter what happens our kids will not be second fiddle.

I think it can be reversed though

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

Wow. I hope he divorces you someday and you will see your error.

Sorry but what did she say that warrants that nasty response from you. Also second wife here. 18 year age gap between SD and my kids. She acts like they do not exist. Don't be an a*$hole like her. Make an effort

Did you make an effort?

PP here absolutely did .. better relationship than she had with her dad. Also got along with the first wife until the new babies came and then she became nasty

Troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am not sure how to approach it. I just don’t know what kind relationship I should have or how I should behave around the child in the coming years. I feel awkward around my dad when I see him, like he’s a stranger! I don’t want that to be the case, how can I mend that?

make sure he likes you; you owe nothing to second wife or kid but pretend that you like them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's super weird. That said, your Dad is old. His wife will be doing everything. I'd probably have a frank conversation about the estate but I would also assume that by the time he dies, she'll convince him to give her everything so whats the point? As far as the kids - if we were geographically close I'd have interactions with them. They are innocent in the mess of people being selfish and stupid.

This. She's going to get it all, so don't bother asking about the estate. It's gone. That's what the first marriage kids get (in addition to their parents' unhappy marriage and divorce and remarriage and losing a lot of the time they could have had with their father-- fun times). The second marriage kids get an intact family if they're lucky, an awkwardly old father who dies when they're still young, and the rest of the money if there is any. But in a lot of these situations the dad can't really afford more kids, he agrees to it because he knows Wife 2 (or is it 3) will leave him if he doesn't.

It isn't the kids' fault, and they'll likely be losing their father pretty young, so I'd keep the door open to a relationship with them if you can stand to be around their mother.

[Anonymous]

Feel for your dad bc everyone in preschool will call him poppie. He will feel his age real fast having to go through prek -12 years of assemblies sitting with parents in their early 30s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

Wow. I hope he divorces you someday and you will see your error.

Sorry but what did she say that warrants that nasty response from you. Also second wife here. 18 year age gap between SD and my kids. She acts like they do not exist. Don't be an a*$hole like her. Make an effort

Did you make an effort?

PP here absolutely did .. better relationship than she had with her dad. Also got along with the first wife until the new babies came and then she became nasty

She was probably faking that to keep the peace. ACOD often find that's their best option. But I very much doubt your effort outweighs what she's losing from your childbearing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

Wow. I hope he divorces you someday and you will see your error.

Sorry but what did she say that warrants that nasty response from you. Also second wife here. 18 year age gap between SD and my kids. She acts like they do not exist. Don't be an a*$hole like her. Make an effort

DP but why should she care?! You took what’s hers, in a way. Fwiw I am a second wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

Wow. I hope he divorces you someday and you will see your error.

Sorry but what did she say that warrants that nasty response from you. Also second wife here. 18 year age gap between SD and my kids. She acts like they do not exist. Don't be an a*$hole like her. Make an effort

Did you make an effort?

PP here absolutely did .. better relationship than she had with her dad. Also got along with the first wife until the new babies came and then she became nasty

She was probably faking that to keep the peace. ACOD often find that's their best option. But I very much doubt your effort outweighs what she's losing from your childbearing.

Or she was too young to understand the impact on her, or thought you would not have kids. A younger new wife can be a good deal for ACOD if there aren't more kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because it's going to go badly. The kids will be spoiled and entitled. The new wife wants to pretend she didn't marry an old man with baggage, but she did, and she's going to resent the time he spends with his original children and, eventually, his grandchildren. She might not get to have as many of her own kids as she wanted. The older he gets, the more she'll hate what she chose for herself, because she'll have to do most of the parenting as well as deal with his aging, and a long widowhood starts to seem like a real thing. It's not an easy thing for a wife.

This is why second marriages fail. If he repeatedly disappoints his new wife and doesn’t show up for her as a husband and father to their kids together, she’s going to leave in most cases. There won’t be enough good will for her to stick it out as he gets old and sick. That’s human nature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because it's going to go badly. The kids will be spoiled and entitled. The new wife wants to pretend she didn't marry an old man with baggage, but she did, and she's going to resent the time he spends with his original children and, eventually, his grandchildren. She might not get to have as many of her own kids as she wanted. The older he gets, the more she'll hate what she chose for herself, because she'll have to do most of the parenting as well as deal with his aging, and a long widowhood starts to seem like a real thing. It's not an easy thing for a wife.

This is why second marriages fail. If he repeatedly disappoints his new wife and doesn’t show up for her as a husband and father to their kids together, she’s going to leave in most cases. There won’t be enough good will for her to stick it out as he gets old and sick. That’s human nature.

There's just not enough dad time and energy (and often, money) to go around. He agreed to the new kids so that he could have the new wife, and he genuinely loves them and her and wants them to be happy. But he didn't actually want to start over with parenting. Nor did he want to disappoint his original children by not spending time with them and the grandchildren. He's always going to feel caught in between-- but of course, he did this to himself. Ultimately he will choose new wife because she's his caregiver, and new kids because they are little, and the older kids will drift away. Remarriages with kids can only function if the older set of kids fades out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

Wow. I hope he divorces you someday and you will see your error.

What are you talking about? He had been divorced many years before we got together and his ex cheated and went with her AP. He doesn't get to be happy, only her?

No, it’s you attitude that his kids have no interests or feelings in the matter that is appalling.