19-year-old college student befriended classmate with schizophrenia

[Anonymous]

Seems pretty unusual for schizophrenia-one of the hallmarks is social withdrawal and avid attachments like this aren’t common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there someone at your DD’s college you can reach out to and raise concerns? Ideally even order him to stop contacting her, but at least monitor the situation?
Also can you distract her? Take her on a trip maybe? She needs to find other ways to feel important and loved besides helping all sorts of problematic people

I don’t even now who I contacted. She’s an adult. If I crossed that boundary she’d probably be incredibly angry with me and feel betrayed.

Justifiably so.

Maybe not. Both of my kids colleges (one public, one private) have a mechanism by which *anyone* with a relationship to a kid— parent, roommate, friend, professor, RA, etc, can do an anonymous referral to the counseling center for a wellness/mental health check. Mom would not get any feedback, obviously, because the kid is an adult. But, given the level of student suicides, most colleges have these. As a last resort, it’s something.

But you seem to have a relationship where you can talk to your DD. I agree that that her current counselor is the way in. Give DD the stats and info on schizophrenia. Make sure she knows that no matter what she does, he will more likely than not be homeless and take his own life. That he has a likely fatal disease and she needs to understand that. Then ask if she will talk to her counselor about how she can best support him with such a difficult disease. Don’t even add— without getting yourself pulled in to far. Come from the angle of her talking with someone with experience treating schizophrenia being the best way to learn how to help him. And make her aware that her counselor may be able to tell her how this young man can get SSI, medical care, group housing, etc (and the counselor should do this by helping her get a referral to a case manager. Applying for benefits is not DD’s job).

If she explains this situation, trust that any decent therapist will work with her to draw boundaries and do things like call mobile emergency mental health rather than taking him to the ER, set him up with a case worker. Get real supports in place with people who do this for a living. And take that responsibility off her plate.

And PPs are right. She needs to learn to drawn boundaries now, before she makes decisions about jobs and marriage and kids.

Good luck. It’s a terrible disease with a very sad progression.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would be so heartened that my child helped someone who might take their life. It’s not like she tried to plead with him, or talk but took him to the ER — to let the experts help him, which is what so many on this thread are claiming is the right path.

You say you’re “selfish,” but it’s really anxiety. I know pouring my anxiety on my kids are never helpful (because they tell me). Your anxiety won’t change her behavior. Maybe if you trusted her to handle it, she’d have more faith in her ability to be a good friend with boundaries (as is important for ANY relationship). She might be less likely to come to you for advice.

Finally, if that’s in her nature (to help underdogs as you unhelpfully put it), and you try to squash it, you’re denying an essential part of who she is and what makes her special.

[Anonymous]

My DC got involved with a mentally ill girl in college. She was suicidal and attached herself to DC. By the time I was notified, she was detached from reality, combative and had to be hospitalized. DC should have called the crisis health center days before. If she had killed herself DC would have never gotten over it.

Tell kids to call a professional or the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems pretty unusual for schizophrenia-one of the hallmarks is social withdrawal and avid attachments like this aren’t common.

I know a schizophrenic who was obsessed with a imagined love interest and was stalking her. He was interacting with strangers and voices in his mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there someone at your DD’s college you can reach out to and raise concerns? Ideally even order him to stop contacting her, but at least monitor the situation?
Also can you distract her? Take her on a trip maybe? She needs to find other ways to feel important and loved besides helping all sorts of problematic people

I don’t even now who I contacted. She’s an adult. If I crossed that boundary she’d probably be incredibly angry with me and feel betrayed.

Justifiably so.

Maybe not. Both of my kids colleges (one public, one private) have a mechanism by which *anyone* with a relationship to a kid— parent, roommate, friend, professor, RA, etc, can do an anonymous referral to the counseling center for a wellness/mental health check. Mom would not get any feedback, obviously, because the kid is an adult. But, given the level of student suicides, most colleges have these. As a last resort, it’s something.

But you seem to have a relationship where you can talk to your DD. I agree that that her current counselor is the way in. Give DD the stats and info on schizophrenia. Make sure she knows that no matter what she does, he will more likely than not be homeless and take his own life. That he has a likely fatal disease and she needs to understand that. Then ask if she will talk to her counselor about how she can best support him with such a difficult disease. Don’t even add— without getting yourself pulled in to far. Come from the angle of her talking with someone with experience treating schizophrenia being the best way to learn how to help him. And make her aware that her counselor may be able to tell her how this young man can get SSI, medical care, group housing, etc (and the counselor should do this by helping her get a referral to a case manager. Applying for benefits is not DD’s job).

If she explains this situation, trust that any decent therapist will work with her to draw boundaries and do things like call mobile emergency mental health rather than taking him to the ER, set him up with a case worker. Get real supports in place with people who do this for a living. And take that responsibility off her plate.

And PPs are right. She needs to learn to drawn boundaries now, before she makes decisions about jobs and marriage and kids.

Good luck. It’s a terrible disease with a very sad progression.

Have you ever tried to do any of these services? It’s unbelievably difficult to even get Medicaid. And I’m not sure what mental health homes and services you think are available, but this is a total fantasy land of government help. And the fellow doesn’t have a family to help wade through the paperwork.

Finally, it’d be nice to stop the doom and gloom. It’s is a disease that gets worse without treatment. But help in the first two years can really turn things around fast. Yes many go downhill. But there is a number who can manage this illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there someone at your DD’s college you can reach out to and raise concerns? Ideally even order him to stop contacting her, but at least monitor the situation?
Also can you distract her? Take her on a trip maybe? She needs to find other ways to feel important and loved besides helping all sorts of problematic people

I don’t even now who I contacted. She’s an adult. If I crossed that boundary she’d probably be incredibly angry with me and feel betrayed.

If there is a counselor there might be a way to keep it anonymous
Maybe they can keep an eye on the guy and sort of relieve her of the duty
But it does sound strange, young people are supposed to be somewhat selfish - she should be too
I would think really hard about how she can be redirected to other things like maybe dating?

She’s had the same girlfriend for a few years. They attend different Universities (girlfriend is states away). They both seem to really love each other but I do imagine they’ll probably end things sooner or later just due to distance and different life goals. So she’s not dating at the moment.

Doesn’t have to be dating; just something more “selfish” than trying to save a guy who honestly sounds like an impossible case to solve so to speak
She is getting a large share of her self worth from being a savior
This is what needs to change
I am like that to an extent, and ended up in a bad marriage
That was even despite my parents telling me to stay away from problematic and difficult people
You are right that it’s something that you inherit or learn from your parents
Your DD needs therapy about her need to be a savior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He was doing great so assumed he didn't need his meds and went off them. Now he's a mess because .... he needs his meds. Tale as old as time. He'll probably die. That's how these things go.

I’d hate to see that happen. DD really adores this kid and I feel terribly for him. Really rough upbringing. DD doesn’t seem to understand she cannot fix this.

She needs to have it drummed into her head that it is not her place to fix or save people. Her wanting to help is a great trait - and she should use it in appropriate ways, like volunteering to teach adults to read or at a dog shelter or nursing home or something. This is over her head, above her qualifications, and even professionals can't convince people to stay on their meds. REALLY drive it home with her.

I agree with this, but I think the way to do it is to say what SHE is doing is selfish. The reason is, she's not qualified, but likes the feeling of being needed so much that she is enabling him--holding him up just enough--to not get the help he needs.

I know that sounds harsh to say to your sweet DD, but if put this way, it can prick the bubble in the savior complex. Seeing the flip side (or dark side) of the coin around her own behavior might help her detach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there someone at your DD’s college you can reach out to and raise concerns? Ideally even order him to stop contacting her, but at least monitor the situation?
Also can you distract her? Take her on a trip maybe? She needs to find other ways to feel important and loved besides helping all sorts of problematic people

I don’t even now who I contacted. She’s an adult. If I crossed that boundary she’d probably be incredibly angry with me and feel betrayed.

Justifiably so.

Maybe not. Both of my kids colleges (one public, one private) have a mechanism by which *anyone* with a relationship to a kid— parent, roommate, friend, professor, RA, etc, can do an anonymous referral to the counseling center for a wellness/mental health check. Mom would not get any feedback, obviously, because the kid is an adult. But, given the level of student suicides, most colleges have these. As a last resort, it’s something.

But you seem to have a relationship where you can talk to your DD. I agree that that her current counselor is the way in. Give DD the stats and info on schizophrenia. Make sure she knows that no matter what she does, he will more likely than not be homeless and take his own life. That he has a likely fatal disease and she needs to understand that. Then ask if she will talk to her counselor about how she can best support him with such a difficult disease. Don’t even add— without getting yourself pulled in to far. Come from the angle of her talking with someone with experience treating schizophrenia being the best way to learn how to help him. And make her aware that her counselor may be able to tell her how this young man can get SSI, medical care, group housing, etc (and the counselor should do this by helping her get a referral to a case manager. Applying for benefits is not DD’s job).

If she explains this situation, trust that any decent therapist will work with her to draw boundaries and do things like call mobile emergency mental health rather than taking him to the ER, set him up with a case worker. Get real supports in place with people who do this for a living. And take that responsibility off her plate.

And PPs are right. She needs to learn to drawn boundaries now, before she makes decisions about jobs and marriage and kids.

Good luck. It’s a terrible disease with a very sad progression.

Have you ever tried to do any of these services? It’s unbelievably difficult to even get Medicaid. And I’m not sure what mental health homes and services you think are available, but this is a total fantasy land of government help. And the fellow doesn’t have a family to help wade through the paperwork.

Finally, it’d be nice to stop the doom and gloom. It’s is a disease that gets worse without treatment. But help in the first two years can really turn things around fast. Yes many go downhill. But there is a number who can manage this illness.

+1. It is not in any way inevitable that this young man will become homeless and the PP is actually wrong about the odds that he will die by suicide. It’s a serious illness; there’s not need to make up figures that are worse than the facts.

[Anonymous]

+2 to boundaries around him taking meds or self harming. Also for her to be prepared for the idea that he likely will dump her as a friend. Often one disease comes with others like BPD and with his social history he will likely drop her when he fears that she will drop him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there someone at your DD’s college you can reach out to and raise concerns? Ideally even order him to stop contacting her, but at least monitor the situation?
Also can you distract her? Take her on a trip maybe? She needs to find other ways to feel important and loved besides helping all sorts of problematic people

I don’t even now who I contacted. She’s an adult. If I crossed that boundary she’d probably be incredibly angry with me and feel betrayed.

Justifiably so.

Maybe not. Both of my kids colleges (one public, one private) have a mechanism by which *anyone* with a relationship to a kid— parent, roommate, friend, professor, RA, etc, can do an anonymous referral to the counseling center for a wellness/mental health check. Mom would not get any feedback, obviously, because the kid is an adult. But, given the level of student suicides, most colleges have these. As a last resort, it’s something.

But you seem to have a relationship where you can talk to your DD. I agree that that her current counselor is the way in. Give DD the stats and info on schizophrenia. Make sure she knows that no matter what she does, he will more likely than not be homeless and take his own life. That he has a likely fatal disease and she needs to understand that. Then ask if she will talk to her counselor about how she can best support him with such a difficult disease. Don’t even add— without getting yourself pulled in to far. Come from the angle of her talking with someone with experience treating schizophrenia being the best way to learn how to help him. And make her aware that her counselor may be able to tell her how this young man can get SSI, medical care, group housing, etc (and the counselor should do this by helping her get a referral to a case manager. Applying for benefits is not DD’s job).

If she explains this situation, trust that any decent therapist will work with her to draw boundaries and do things like call mobile emergency mental health rather than taking him to the ER, set him up with a case worker. Get real supports in place with people who do this for a living. And take that responsibility off her plate.

And PPs are right. She needs to learn to drawn boundaries now, before she makes decisions about jobs and marriage and kids.

Good luck. It’s a terrible disease with a very sad progression.

Have you ever tried to do any of these services? It’s unbelievably difficult to even get Medicaid. And I’m not sure what mental health homes and services you think are available, but this is a total fantasy land of government help. And the fellow doesn’t have a family to help wade through the paperwork.

Finally, it’d be nice to stop the doom and gloom. It’s is a disease that gets worse without treatment. But help in the first two years can really turn things around fast. Yes many go downhill. But there is a number who can manage this illness.

In fact, I administer one of these benefits for a living. And you wrong— schizophrenia is pretty much the only mental illness for which it is fairly easy for a young person to get SSI—. even with the doing well/ treatment non-compliance and decompensation cycle. schizophrenia is awarded under a separate administrative considerations. And SSI gets you Medicaid. And I literally see this every day.

And I agree. Many other government services are hard to access. But this guy will still do better with a caseworker than DD trying to keep him above water. And it’s better for him to have someone knowledgeable too, because this is convoluted stuff. How far to you think OP”s DD will get helping him get established in a group home.

And, as sad as it is, schizophrenics die about 20 years earlier than the rest of the population (more often from cardiovascular issues due to the cycle of treatment compliance/non-compliance, homelessness and drug abuse than suicide, BTW). And while professionals might be able to help, there is nothing a 19 year old can do to change that.

I stand by getting her therapist involved, because a therapist will understand the dynamics both for DD and the friend, and help DD help her friend without getting pulled under.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there someone at your DD’s college you can reach out to and raise concerns? Ideally even order him to stop contacting her, but at least monitor the situation?
Also can you distract her? Take her on a trip maybe? She needs to find other ways to feel important and loved besides helping all sorts of problematic people

I don’t even now who I contacted. She’s an adult. If I crossed that boundary she’d probably be incredibly angry with me and feel betrayed.

Justifiably so.

Maybe not. Both of my kids colleges (one public, one private) have a mechanism by which *anyone* with a relationship to a kid— parent, roommate, friend, professor, RA, etc, can do an anonymous referral to the counseling center for a wellness/mental health check. Mom would not get any feedback, obviously, because the kid is an adult. But, given the level of student suicides, most colleges have these. As a last resort, it’s something.

But you seem to have a relationship where you can talk to your DD. I agree that that her current counselor is the way in. Give DD the stats and info on schizophrenia. Make sure she knows that no matter what she does, he will more likely than not be homeless and take his own life. That he has a likely fatal disease and she needs to understand that. Then ask if she will talk to her counselor about how she can best support him with such a difficult disease. Don’t even add— without getting yourself pulled in to far. Come from the angle of her talking with someone with experience treating schizophrenia being the best way to learn how to help him. And make her aware that her counselor may be able to tell her how this young man can get SSI, medical care, group housing, etc (and the counselor should do this by helping her get a referral to a case manager. Applying for benefits is not DD’s job).

If she explains this situation, trust that any decent therapist will work with her to draw boundaries and do things like call mobile emergency mental health rather than taking him to the ER, set him up with a case worker. Get real supports in place with people who do this for a living. And take that responsibility off her plate.

And PPs are right. She needs to learn to drawn boundaries now, before she makes decisions about jobs and marriage and kids.

Good luck. It’s a terrible disease with a very sad progression.

Have you ever tried to do any of these services? It’s unbelievably difficult to even get Medicaid. And I’m not sure what mental health homes and services you think are available, but this is a total fantasy land of government help. And the fellow doesn’t have a family to help wade through the paperwork.

Finally, it’d be nice to stop the doom and gloom. It’s is a disease that gets worse without treatment. But help in the first two years can really turn things around fast. Yes many go downhill. But there is a number who can manage this illness.

+1. It is not in any way inevitable that this young man will become homeless and the PP is actually wrong about the odds that he will die by suicide. It’s a serious illness; there’s not need to make up figures that are worse than the facts.

Lifespan shorter by 19 year for men. Earlier death most often cardiovascular due to to treatment non-compliance, homelessness and drug addiction. 3.5 times more likely to die in a given year than a healthy peer. 20% suicide rate.

It’s a terrible and sad disease. Telling OP it’s not and her kid can save this boy is ultimately helps no one. Not even the boy, who needs real help. Not a college kid out to save him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter sounds wonderful. Yes she needs boundaries and to know when to tell him she can't handle certain issues, but she doesn't need to stop being his friend altogether.

I have a loved one with schizoaffective disorder (fully compliant with meds, and very kind). I'm so thankful for the friends who have stuck around.

+1 Close relative who is schizoaffective and they need human connections too. Establishing healthy boundaries is important, but it's not necessary to completely cut him out of her life at this point. The repeated sentiment that this person is a lost cause is just wrong. I wish my relative had received treatment earlier as we now know how vital the first year interventions after diagnosis are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there someone at your DD’s college you can reach out to and raise concerns? Ideally even order him to stop contacting her, but at least monitor the situation?
Also can you distract her? Take her on a trip maybe? She needs to find other ways to feel important and loved besides helping all sorts of problematic people

I don’t even now who I contacted. She’s an adult. If I crossed that boundary she’d probably be incredibly angry with me and feel betrayed.

Justifiably so.

Maybe not. Both of my kids colleges (one public, one private) have a mechanism by which *anyone* with a relationship to a kid— parent, roommate, friend, professor, RA, etc, can do an anonymous referral to the counseling center for a wellness/mental health check. Mom would not get any feedback, obviously, because the kid is an adult. But, given the level of student suicides, most colleges have these. As a last resort, it’s something.

But you seem to have a relationship where you can talk to your DD. I agree that that her current counselor is the way in. Give DD the stats and info on schizophrenia. Make sure she knows that no matter what she does, he will more likely than not be homeless and take his own life. That he has a likely fatal disease and she needs to understand that. Then ask if she will talk to her counselor about how she can best support him with such a difficult disease. Don’t even add— without getting yourself pulled in to far. Come from the angle of her talking with someone with experience treating schizophrenia being the best way to learn how to help him. And make her aware that her counselor may be able to tell her how this young man can get SSI, medical care, group housing, etc (and the counselor should do this by helping her get a referral to a case manager. Applying for benefits is not DD’s job).

If she explains this situation, trust that any decent therapist will work with her to draw boundaries and do things like call mobile emergency mental health rather than taking him to the ER, set him up with a case worker. Get real supports in place with people who do this for a living. And take that responsibility off her plate.

And PPs are right. She needs to learn to drawn boundaries now, before she makes decisions about jobs and marriage and kids.

Good luck. It’s a terrible disease with a very sad progression.

Have you ever tried to do any of these services? It’s unbelievably difficult to even get Medicaid. And I’m not sure what mental health homes and services you think are available, but this is a total fantasy land of government help. And the fellow doesn’t have a family to help wade through the paperwork.

Finally, it’d be nice to stop the doom and gloom. It’s is a disease that gets worse without treatment. But help in the first two years can really turn things around fast. Yes many go downhill. But there is a number who can manage this illness.

+1. It is not in any way inevitable that this young man will become homeless and the PP is actually wrong about the odds that he will die by suicide. It’s a serious illness; there’s not need to make up figures that are worse than the facts.

Lifespan shorter by 19 year for men. Earlier death most often cardiovascular due to to treatment non-compliance, homelessness and drug addiction. 3.5 times more likely to die in a given year than a healthy peer. 20% suicide rate.

It’s a terrible and sad disease. Telling OP it’s not and her kid can save this boy is ultimately helps no one. Not even the boy, who needs real help. Not a college kid out to save him.

None of that is what the PP claimed, though. As I said: what is real is bad enough, there’s no need to make up new stuff.

[Anonymous]

Please tell her not to be alone with them. I'm sorry for this person but her safety is more important.
I know someone's brother who had this diagnosis + drug use and they ended up beheading a roommate.