19-year-old college student befriended classmate with schizophrenia

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to get your DD in therapy so that she has someone neutral to help her understand that although she cares about her friend, his problems are not her problems.

She’s in therapy for anxiety and some type A personality traits that can be challenging but I’m not sure if she’s ever bought her friend up.

Suggest that she ask her therapist for advice. They have training and experience. And then support her with the boundary work.

My DD has 1 suicidal friend and 1 who cuts. The therapist is more credible than I am to DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He was doing great so assumed he didn't need his meds and went off them. Now he's a mess because .... he needs his meds. Tale as old as time. He'll probably die. That's how these things go.

Take as old as time … I used to clerk for a judge decades ago - when we went to psychiatric hospitals for hearings on involuntary holds of patients, the doctors unanimously told us that there would be no need to keep them if they had someone at home who could ensure they took their meds, someone they’d listen to. Unfortunately, the patients did exactly what you wrote - felt well, and went off meds. Had no self awareness that they were deteriorating and became a danger to self or others and had to be hospitalized again. This must have been 25 years ago. Seems like nothing changed. Also this was in Europe, so the problem spans continents too.

Yep. Had a friend (BiPolar) who told me that God cured her, so she stopped her meds. Guess what? He didn't cure her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At that age you feel like if you try hard enough you can accomplish anything, including saving a friend. As a parent, you can try to talk to her about ways to support him as a friend, without drowning herself. And that a good friend knows their limits and when to get a professional involved. She can contact NAMI and get advice.

https://nami.org/Home

In my 30's I was suicidal. I called my BFF of 20 years. She totd me that this was more than she could handle and I needed to call a professional and call her back ASAP. Once I made a call to my psychiatrist and was waiting for him to call me back, I stayed on the phone with her. Best thing she could've done for me. Support me in the way she could and get me to people that are experts on Mental Illness.

This is excellent advice.

Her advisor and the school’s counseling center might also be helpful (convincing her to set limits, if you cannot).

Good luck. (I would feel like you. )

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This can and will be extremely stressful for her. You have to support her however you can and try active listening to help her process and come to her own conclusions about establishing boundaries.

I think this is about the best you can do. You are dealing with adults here and no one is going to intervene because there isn’t a reason to intervene. I mean, mom doesn’t like adult daughter’s friend doesn’t get you anywhere.

And I know you’re worried because she missed class. But imagine how many more classes she would have missed if she didn’t take him to the hospital and he successfully suicided. Missing a class was the least bad thing that could have happened there.

Please don’t say “successfully suicided.”

Those two words should not be used together.

It is called a completed suicide.

[Anonymous]

This is a personality thing. I wouldn’t be surprised if OP’s daughter decided to marry an alcoholic or drug addict in the future thinking she can fix him. There are people, usually women, like that.

[Anonymous]

Where is this person’s parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where is this person’s parents?

Dad is also schizophrenic and was in and out of jail and Institutions his entire life. Currently homeless in PNW. Mom died when he was a kid. Raised by grandparents. One grandparent died a few years ago and the other is in nursing home with dementia. You can see why my bleeding heart daughter has attached herself to the poor kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD has always been a very friendly and empathetic. She has a history of befriending the underdog and seeing the best in everyone. I love this about her but I’m also very scared for her.

She made friends with a young man who has schizophrenia. He spent Thanksgiving with us and was super sweet. Very polite, kind and thoughtful. But it seems like he’s been struggling for the past few months and DD has gotten dragged into a lot of it. She’s constantly worried about him and she’s become the person he calls if he’s having a hard time. She has a girlfriend who attends a different college that has expressed some concerns to us. He seems a bit obsessive over DD (not in a romantic or sexual way, as he is also gay) but in a way where he seems dependent on her and constantly craves her attention and validation and I fear it’s too much stress on her. She’s a great student and was on the deans list last semester but I know she missed a class this past week to take him to the ER because he was suicidal. I don’t want her to neglect her schoolwork because she’s overly worried about a friends mental health. Anytime I try to bring it up to her she calls me selfish.

But I am selfish. My priority is her.

Tell her that she must not take on this role! He needs to use his psychiatrist and student health/student services. Talk in terms of her not being qualified to help him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a personality thing. I wouldn’t be surprised if OP’s daughter decided to marry an alcoholic or drug addict in the future thinking she can fix him. There are people, usually women, like that.

Her girlfriend of a few years is very stable and driven. I do think sometimes it bothers DD that her girlfriend doesn’t “need” her to function.

She gets it from me. I married her father (who I love deeply) because I had no clue how he functioned. Now we know he is autistic, back then I just thought he was clueless. I was always amazed by what he was capable of academically (he’s a genius) but what basic tasks he was totally unable to do.

[Anonymous]

OP the poor fellow needs to take his meds. Unfortunately he needs to be 100% convinced it’s the only path forward. For most patients it’s a trip to the mental institution, which is such a horror show that patients will do anything to avoid going back.

If that’s the case she can help her friend take meds regularly and help him stay organized. But the meds are critical. Xavier Amador has a great book on how to manage schizophrenia.

I’m saddened by the many posters who just want you to give up. We all need to help each other—especially since mental health providers are so backed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there someone at your DD’s college you can reach out to and raise concerns? Ideally even order him to stop contacting her, but at least monitor the situation?
Also can you distract her? Take her on a trip maybe? She needs to find other ways to feel important and loved besides helping all sorts of problematic people

I don’t even now who I contacted. She’s an adult. If I crossed that boundary she’d probably be incredibly angry with me and feel betrayed.

Justifiably so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This can and will be extremely stressful for her. You have to support her however you can and try active listening to help her process and come to her own conclusions about establishing boundaries.

I think this is about the best you can do. You are dealing with adults here and no one is going to intervene because there isn’t a reason to intervene. I mean, mom doesn’t like adult daughter’s friend doesn’t get you anywhere.

And I know you’re worried because she missed class. But imagine how many more classes she would have missed if she didn’t take him to the hospital and he successfully suicided. Missing a class was the least bad thing that could have happened there.

Please don’t say “successfully suicided.”

Those two words should not be used together.

It is called a completed suicide.

Actually just “suicide” covers it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD has always been a very friendly and empathetic. She has a history of befriending the underdog and seeing the best in everyone. I love this about her but I’m also very scared for her.

She made friends with a young man who has schizophrenia. He spent Thanksgiving with us and was super sweet. Very polite, kind and thoughtful. But it seems like he’s been struggling for the past few months and DD has gotten dragged into a lot of it. She’s constantly worried about him and she’s become the person he calls if he’s having a hard time. She has a girlfriend who attends a different college that has expressed some concerns to us. He seems a bit obsessive over DD (not in a romantic or sexual way, as he is also gay) but in a way where he seems dependent on her and constantly craves her attention and validation and I fear it’s too much stress on her. She’s a great student and was on the deans list last semester but I know she missed a class this past week to take him to the ER because he was suicidal. I don’t want her to neglect her schoolwork because she’s overly worried about a friends mental health. Anytime I try to bring it up to her she calls me selfish.

But I am selfish. My priority is her.

Tell her that she must not take on this role! He needs to use his psychiatrist and student health/student services. Talk in terms of her not being qualified to help him.

Talk about not helpful for schizophrenia. The patients have a lot of willpower and ADHD problems. Some daily structure greatly helps these people. Medical help is great but the patients can’t keep it organized.

I think in 20 years, people will be so, so ashamed at how the mentally ill are treated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is this person’s parents?

Dad is also schizophrenic and was in and out of jail and Institutions his entire life. Currently homeless in PNW. Mom died when he was a kid. Raised by grandparents. One grandparent died a few years ago and the other is in nursing home with dementia. You can see why my bleeding heart daughter has attached herself to the poor kid.

Poor poor kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD has always been a very friendly and empathetic. She has a history of befriending the underdog and seeing the best in everyone. I love this about her but I’m also very scared for her.

She made friends with a young man who has schizophrenia. He spent Thanksgiving with us and was super sweet. Very polite, kind and thoughtful. But it seems like he’s been struggling for the past few months and DD has gotten dragged into a lot of it. She’s constantly worried about him and she’s become the person he calls if he’s having a hard time. She has a girlfriend who attends a different college that has expressed some concerns to us. He seems a bit obsessive over DD (not in a romantic or sexual way, as he is also gay) but in a way where he seems dependent on her and constantly craves her attention and validation and I fear it’s too much stress on her. She’s a great student and was on the deans list last semester but I know she missed a class this past week to take him to the ER because he was suicidal. I don’t want her to neglect her schoolwork because she’s overly worried about a friends mental health. Anytime I try to bring it up to her she calls me selfish.

But I am selfish. My priority is her.

Tell her that she must not take on this role! He needs to use his psychiatrist and student health/student services. Talk in terms of her not being qualified to help him.

Talk about not helpful for schizophrenia. The patients have a lot of willpower and ADHD problems. Some daily structure greatly helps these people. Medical help is great but the patients can’t keep it organized.

I think in 20 years, people will be so, so ashamed at how the mentally ill are treated.

We have been saying that for hundreds of years.