19-year-old college student befriended classmate with schizophrenia

[Anonymous]

Is there someone at your DD’s college you can reach out to and raise concerns? Ideally even order him to stop contacting her, but at least monitor the situation?
Also can you distract her? Take her on a trip maybe? She needs to find other ways to feel important and loved besides helping all sorts of problematic people

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there someone at your DD’s college you can reach out to and raise concerns? Ideally even order him to stop contacting her, but at least monitor the situation?
Also can you distract her? Take her on a trip maybe? She needs to find other ways to feel important and loved besides helping all sorts of problematic people

I don’t even now who I contacted. She’s an adult. If I crossed that boundary she’d probably be incredibly angry with me and feel betrayed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there someone at your DD’s college you can reach out to and raise concerns? Ideally even order him to stop contacting her, but at least monitor the situation?
Also can you distract her? Take her on a trip maybe? She needs to find other ways to feel important and loved besides helping all sorts of problematic people

I don’t even now who I contacted. She’s an adult. If I crossed that boundary she’d probably be incredibly angry with me and feel betrayed.

If there is a counselor there might be a way to keep it anonymous
Maybe they can keep an eye on the guy and sort of relieve her of the duty
But it does sound strange, young people are supposed to be somewhat selfish - she should be too
I would think really hard about how she can be redirected to other things like maybe dating?

[Anonymous]

This can and will be extremely stressful for her. You have to support her however you can and try active listening to help her process and come to her own conclusions about establishing boundaries.

I hate to say this but a friend of a friend was in this exact situation and it ended shockingly and suddenly in violence. I will not give all the details and I don’t like stigmatizing, but it happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He was doing great so assumed he didn't need his meds and went off them. Now he's a mess because .... he needs his meds. Tale as old as time. He'll probably die. That's how these things go.

Take as old as time … I used to clerk for a judge decades ago - when we went to psychiatric hospitals for hearings on involuntary holds of patients, the doctors unanimously told us that there would be no need to keep them if they had someone at home who could ensure they took their meds, someone they’d listen to. Unfortunately, the patients did exactly what you wrote - felt well, and went off meds. Had no self awareness that they were deteriorating and became a danger to self or others and had to be hospitalized again. This must have been 25 years ago. Seems like nothing changed. Also this was in Europe, so the problem spans continents too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He was doing great so assumed he didn't need his meds and went off them. Now he's a mess because .... he needs his meds. Tale as old as time. He'll probably die. That's how these things go.

Take as old as time … I used to clerk for a judge decades ago - when we went to psychiatric hospitals for hearings on involuntary holds of patients, the doctors unanimously told us that there would be no need to keep them if they had someone at home who could ensure they took their meds, someone they’d listen to. Unfortunately, the patients did exactly what you wrote - felt well, and went off meds. Had no self awareness that they were deteriorating and became a danger to self or others and had to be hospitalized again. This must have been 25 years ago. Seems like nothing changed. Also this was in Europe, so the problem spans continents too.

^ Tale

[Anonymous]

Your daughter sounds wonderful. Yes she needs boundaries and to know when to tell him she can't handle certain issues, but she doesn't need to stop being his friend altogether.

I have a loved one with schizoaffective disorder (fully compliant with meds, and very kind). I'm so thankful for the friends who have stuck around.

[Anonymous]

she needs boundaries, like if you don't take meds i am not around.
It's a disease, I admire your child for their willingness to help but boundaries are a must and they need boundaries with you as well so you don't encroach on their lives too much

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD has always been a very friendly and empathetic. She has a history of befriending the underdog and seeing the best in everyone. I love this about her but I’m also very scared for her.

She made friends with a young man who has schizophrenia. He spent Thanksgiving with us and was super sweet. Very polite, kind and thoughtful. But it seems like he’s been struggling for the past few months and DD has gotten dragged into a lot of it. She’s constantly worried about him and she’s become the person he calls if he’s having a hard time. She has a girlfriend who attends a different college that has expressed some concerns to us. He seems a bit obsessive over DD (not in a romantic or sexual way, as he is also gay) but in a way where he seems dependent on her and constantly craves her attention and validation and I fear it’s too much stress on her. She’s a great student and was on the deans list last semester but I know she missed a class this past week to take him to the ER because he was suicidal. I don’t want her to neglect her schoolwork because she’s overly worried about a friends mental health. Anytime I try to bring it up to her she calls me selfish.

But I am selfish. My priority is her.

She's an adult now. Just be there for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This can and will be extremely stressful for her. You have to support her however you can and try active listening to help her process and come to her own conclusions about establishing boundaries.

I think this is about the best you can do. You are dealing with adults here and no one is going to intervene because there isn’t a reason to intervene. I mean, mom doesn’t like adult daughter’s friend doesn’t get you anywhere.

And I know you’re worried because she missed class. But imagine how many more classes she would have missed if she didn’t take him to the hospital and he successfully suicided. Missing a class was the least bad thing that could have happened there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to get your DD in therapy so that she has someone neutral to help her understand that although she cares about her friend, his problems are not her problems.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to get your DD in therapy so that she has someone neutral to help her understand that although she cares about her friend, his problems are not her problems.

+1

This is a good idea

[Anonymous]

But my understanding of this disease is that when you're fine you're mostly fine, but that things can take a dreadful turn that no one would have expected given the person that you knew when things were mostly fine. I don't think your daughter, or you, can fully understand what might be coming and how unexpected it could be.

[Anonymous]

I agree therapy can help with being a good empathetic friend with good boundaries.

Learn this now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there someone at your DD’s college you can reach out to and raise concerns? Ideally even order him to stop contacting her, but at least monitor the situation?
Also can you distract her? Take her on a trip maybe? She needs to find other ways to feel important and loved besides helping all sorts of problematic people

I don’t even now who I contacted. She’s an adult. If I crossed that boundary she’d probably be incredibly angry with me and feel betrayed.

If there is a counselor there might be a way to keep it anonymous
Maybe they can keep an eye on the guy and sort of relieve her of the duty
But it does sound strange, young people are supposed to be somewhat selfish - she should be too
I would think really hard about how she can be redirected to other things like maybe dating?

She’s had the same girlfriend for a few years. They attend different Universities (girlfriend is states away). They both seem to really love each other but I do imagine they’ll probably end things sooner or later just due to distance and different life goals. So she’s not dating at the moment.