I don't think that is why men are shocked about this. They are shocked because it doesn't even occur to them to need to be on or that moms feel on. They don't know it is a thing. They are blind to it and it is shocking to be told there is something there they never realized existed. |
I don’t think that she is complaining about the demands on his time, only that he is SHOCKED to find out that these demands on his time mean that she is constantly on with the kids. How is this a surprise? |
This is huge to me. I'm fine with being the primary parent but I want that role to be acknowledged and appreciated. |
Yes I have a similar dynamic with DH. We have been working on it. He’s improved but it’s an ongoing work in progress.
It’s like he was just conditioned growing up to not consider others, ask if something works, acknowledge others for their effort or teamwork to make something work. He is a good guy at heart but was just so blind to so many things. He used to be really defensive but over ten years of marriage has slowly come to understand why communication and collaboration are important. As a side note I see how this is what he was modeled in his own family growing up. To this day his mom will come over and sort through his drawers and fold his laundry if we let her. She would also do it and not mention it and be like the little I visit me fixer in the background. I love my mil but she coddles her kids to no end. My fil comes and goes as he pleases without a word to anyone. I’ve never heard her protest. Anyway, these changes take time but they are definitely worth voicing for the sake of our relationships and our kids. |
And the OP Blamer has arrived in the thread. |
Yes exactly. I don’t expect things to be 50:50 because the reality is 50:50 doesn’t make sense in most situations. Acknowledgement and gratitude are key though! |
You didn't grasp in the slightest what I just said. |
Yea I’m confused by this women have choices and men obligations statement. We all have choices but whether we see them as choices or not is a reflection of our inner world and perspective. Often we unconsciously make choices out of habit, conditioning, modeling etc… to make a different choice involves bringing this to consciousness and evaluating options. That’s what this thread is about. As long as you and your partner are open to reflecting and considering a new choice then there is always hope. |
agree. If the man doesn't take on the 50/50 in deeds not just words, then he should be open to the spouse to scale back work, and he can be the primary bread winner. I had the same issue with DH. He didn't want me to scale back because I earned about the same as him, so if I scaled back, that would've hurt our income, and his ability to keep his expensive hobby. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I told him that's it.. I'm quitting and we need to move to a lcol, and you need to quit your expensive hobby. Oh, and did I mention that he also wanted to retire early, like 55. He wanted all this, and me be the default parent. Nope, that was not going to happen. We fought all the time. Here we are 10 yrs later, I went back to work FT when the kids were a bit older, and now I make more than him. And he'll retire at 62, and I'll retire then, too. |
So what? Even if she doesn’t need the job, it doesn’t make any difference in the day to day work that needs to be done. |
Yes, it does. |
What I mean is that, if OP is choosing to work full time and doesn't really have to because her husband makes plenty of money and way more than she does, then working is a choice she is making and she should assume responsibility for that choice. Not him. His job sounds pretty stressful, yet I don't hear anyone suggesting he needs to look for another one that infringes less on her time. Clearly that's not an option because they want/need his money and not hers. |
But why would this be shocking to her DH? |
Except OP has come back and said they need both their salaries and he doesn't hugely outearn her. I think people didn't suggest he find a different job because OP said in her post she didn't mind his job commitments so much of a problem as his attitude toward them/her and changing jobs would be annoying and stressful and honestly not helpful to the core of her issues. |
First, you should not seek external praise. Make an intentional decision to do it, and then praise yourself. Second, do you show acknowledgment and appreciation to your DH? So often it's a one-way street. Third, believe me that teens and young adults will know and appreciate what you're doing. Finally, I don't think it's manipulative at all (according to a pp's therapist) to book something occasionally and when giving the date to your spouse add that you're happy to change it. I have enough maturity to say what I will and won't do and for the majority of times not feel guilty. But, if I feel guilty that's my choice; I don't have to and many people don't. Many massage therapists have online booking and it's really no big deal to change. What if I need to get tickets for two months from now or see something and want to book and DH is on a plane or in all-day meetings. I don't always "ask" him to do something. I tell him I got these tickets and we constantly check in re calendars. If there is an issue we work it out like adults who are emotionally mature. |