This is really bothering me- always being "on" as the parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:YES. The part where my DH just leaves the house whenever he feels like it really gets to me.

Asking seriously (no snark) -- what have you said to your DH about it? What requests have you made of DH, or have you and he sat down and scheduled out things like exercise or social stuff or whatever he's leaving the house for? Have you spoken up, said this does not work for you and the kids, and what changes have you suggested? If he doesn't know it gets to you, he'll keep thinking he's fine. Self-centered, yes, but he also needs to hear very clearly that it's damaging how you think of him.

I tried everything for a while and gave up. He denies there’s any issue. We are getting divorced.

[Anonymous]

OP, does he make a lot more money than you? Do you work because you want to or because you have to?

[Anonymous]

I had a similar conversation with my husband when my kids were little. What got to me was that he was surprised that I felt this way. It wasn’t even really that I minded that this was the dynamic. Little kids are stressful, but I was probably going to feel that stress either way, and one of us should be able to work late or go to the store. What got to me was that he didn’t appreciate that this was happening.

I remember thinking that I would have preferred a husband who openly said that he wanted me to scale back at work or to get up early with the kids every day over one who paid lip service to being there 50/50, but never actually was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look at this way. The way he is acting is normal and the way you are acting is not.

It’s weird you never say, I’m not driving and I’m sleeping in tomorrow morning.

I won’t be home Wednesday because I’m going out/working out/visiting friend.

I’m going away with girlfriends for 4 days, tag you are it.

It’s odd you don’t ask for what you need to feel like you are not “always on”.

You’d rather you both be “always on” than you be more like him and do what normal healthy people do and take time for yourself and enjoy life.

DP. Lol no. I can’t tell you every time I have to fight tooth and nail to be able to go out. One time he even made me take DS on a girl’s night out (that I had planned days earlier and told him about). The other time he was calling me while I was sitting getting my hair cut freaking out that he “had to go” and was going to leave DS home alone (again I had told him about it days in advance.)

DH literally never clears his plans with me. He just leaves or doesn’t show up. Works as late as he “needs”. Has been this way since baby was born.

PP, there is more going on with him. No parent should threaten he will leave a child home alone the way your DH did. I would wonder if DH has some kind of mental issue where he does not retain what he's told and he needs a visual calendar always on him to remind him. Or maybe he's just a jerk who would prefer you never leave the house and just stay there, raising "his" kids, while he does as he pleases.

The fact you have to "fight tooth and nail to be able to go out" without a child along is a marriage-killer, certainly an affection killer at a minimum. I would be sure not to get pregnant with him again or this will go on for many more years. Does he like to be in control in other ways? Financial? Wants to control the kids' activities, their friendships, your own friendships? I'd be looking for a larger pattern. The "I'll leave DS here alone" thing is just a huge, red flag. Have you ever tried telling him, at a time when it's calm and you are not trying to go out at that time, that he does this constantly and it is not how a parent or a husband acts, if he wants to stay in a marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're only wrong about the work thing - he's not going to ASK you if it's okay if he's home late. The client is staring at him while he says "Is it okay if I stay late at Joe's? Please?" Absolutely not professional.

Just assume each time he goes to that client he'll be home late.

If the client is watching, he can say - “hey babe, gonna be home late due to work obligations - can you cover the kids or should I call X,Y or Z?”

It’s not the 1950s anymore. The boss that’s watching is just as likely to be a mom with kids of her own, and it would impress the heck out of me if I heard something like that.

The sexist assumption that the woman will just cover it is the problem with a lot of societal structures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, does he make a lot more money than you? Do you work because you want to or because you have to?

I’m not the OP, but does it matter? It’s not like your boss or your co-workers know if you are there because you want to be or because you have to be (and if they do, and it’s because you want to be, then you are kind of a d!*k).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:YES. The part where my DH just leaves the house whenever he feels like it really gets to me.

Asking seriously (no snark) -- what have you said to your DH about it? What requests have you made of DH, or have you and he sat down and scheduled out things like exercise or social stuff or whatever he's leaving the house for? Have you spoken up, said this does not work for you and the kids, and what changes have you suggested? If he doesn't know it gets to you, he'll keep thinking he's fine. Self-centered, yes, but he also needs to hear very clearly that it's damaging how you think of him.

I tried everything for a while and gave up. He denies there’s any issue. We are getting divorced.

I'm sorry he has zero self-awareness, PP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs a new job because he is incompetent if he needs to be onsite with a client LATE into the evening every day for a week in 2023.

Or being DCUM he’s having an affair.

Does he make a lot more than you, or is this a job he chose because he enjoys the work. We both compromised career choices to find one that was family friendly because we want about the same. If one of us was the breadwinner, their job would take priority (whether DH or DW).

Op here. He's a technical operations director so if he's on site with a client he's physically testing or fixing intricate machinery.

He makes $160k and I make $115k. We need both of our incomes but he does make more and carry the benefits. We both have really niche interesting jobs that we love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look at this way. The way he is acting is normal and the way you are acting is not.

It’s weird you never say, I’m not driving and I’m sleeping in tomorrow morning.

I won’t be home Wednesday because I’m going out/working out/visiting friend.

I’m going away with girlfriends for 4 days, tag you are it.

It’s odd you don’t ask for what you need to feel like you are not “always on”.

You’d rather you both be “always on” than you be more like him and do what normal healthy people do and take time for yourself and enjoy life.

DP. Lol no. I can’t tell you every time I have to fight tooth and nail to be able to go out. One time he even made me take DS on a girl’s night out (that I had planned days earlier and told him about). The other time he was calling me while I was sitting getting my hair cut freaking out that he “had to go” and was going to leave DS home alone (again I had told him about it days in advance.)

DH literally never clears his plans with me. He just leaves or doesn’t show up. Works as late as he “needs”. Has been this way since baby was born.

PP, there is more going on with him. No parent should threaten he will leave a child home alone the way your DH did. I would wonder if DH has some kind of mental issue where he does not retain what he's told and he needs a visual calendar always on him to remind him. Or maybe he's just a jerk who would prefer you never leave the house and just stay there, raising "his" kids, while he does as he pleases.

The fact you have to "fight tooth and nail to be able to go out" without a child along is a marriage-killer, certainly an affection killer at a minimum. I would be sure not to get pregnant with him again or this will go on for many more years. Does he like to be in control in other ways? Financial? Wants to control the kids' activities, their friendships, your own friendships? I'd be looking for a larger pattern. The "I'll leave DS here alone" thing is just a huge, red flag. Have you ever tried telling him, at a time when it's calm and you are not trying to go out at that time, that he does this constantly and it is not how a parent or a husband acts, if he wants to stay in a marriage?

If I knew then what I know now, I would have tried to have a more emotionally honest conversation about it. But I was just so upset/confused when he started doing it (when I was on maternity leave) that it was hard to approach rationally. Also he refused counseling. So here we are. I think it is a combo of him being selfish and unable to manage schedules well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, does he make a lot more money than you? Do you work because you want to or because you have to?

I’m not the OP, but does it matter? It’s not like your boss or your co-workers know if you are there because you want to be or because you have to be (and if they do, and it’s because you want to be, then you are kind of a d!*k).

Women have choices. Men have obligations. I'm just wondering how much of this has to do with OP's choices.

[Anonymous]

It’s mostly his professional demands on his time that you are complaining about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had this dynamic too. I told him that even though it's almost always ok, he needs to "ask" me before making plans. For example, he likes to do yoga in the morning. He needs to ask me if it's ok before he books it--it almost always is, but I do have occasional work calls that overlap with school drop-off. I He's gotten really good about asking first, but will occasionally forget. For example, last week and he booked a massage, then said "I have a massage booked for 4-6, which would mean you have to get the kids from school. I can reschedule if I need to, but does that work?" I told him it worked, but that he needs to ask before he books. At first he said he thought I was making too big of a deal out of it, but when I explained my therapist said it's manipulative to do something then say you can change it (instead of having a discussion, it puts the onus on me to tell him no) he got it.

I also know he's terrible at estimating how long things will take and also gives me the estimates for the best case scenario, so I would just assume he's not going to be home if he's been working late on a project.

I don't want a weeklong girls trip or to try to force him to always be on by just disappearing and leaving the kids with him, I want to be able to plan and make sure that plans work for our family, not just him!

DP, over here applauding you and your husband for working on this constructively and for having the breakthrough of his actually changing his ways and recognizing he was creating a problem. Not just a scheduling problem, but a problem in the relationship. You and he are a good example that this kind of stuff can be overcome, especially if both parties actually listen to each other and care about the "we" before the "me." You're also both setting a good example for your kids, re: how adults deal with things rather than letting things fester.

Thank you so much! Letting things fester (or dwelling on things) is the main reason I sought out therapy, and my husband encouraged me to do so. It feels so much better to just address things and let them go. Our elementary aged kids are noticing and we're able to explain that yes, we're disagreeing, but we're talking about it, listening to each other, and working through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, does he make a lot more money than you? Do you work because you want to or because you have to?

I’m not the OP, but does it matter? It’s not like your boss or your co-workers know if you are there because you want to be or because you have to be (and if they do, and it’s because you want to be, then you are kind of a d!*k).

Women have choices. Men have obligations. I'm just wondering how much of this has to do with OP's choices.

I hate to break it to you but being a parent is MUCH BIGGER obligation than anything this else "men" have on their very important to do lists. It's also a choice they make.

Do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look at this way. The way he is acting is normal and the way you are acting is not.

It’s weird you never say, I’m not driving and I’m sleeping in tomorrow morning.

I won’t be home Wednesday because I’m going out/working out/visiting friend.

I’m going away with girlfriends for 4 days, tag you are it.

It’s odd you don’t ask for what you need to feel like you are not “always on”.

You’d rather you both be “always on” than you be more like him and do what normal healthy people do and take time for yourself and enjoy life.

DP. Lol no. I can’t tell you every time I have to fight tooth and nail to be able to go out. One time he even made me take DS on a girl’s night out (that I had planned days earlier and told him about). The other time he was calling me while I was sitting getting my hair cut freaking out that he “had to go” and was going to leave DS home alone (again I had told him about it days in advance.)

DH literally never clears his plans with me. He just leaves or doesn’t show up. Works as late as he “needs”. Has been this way since baby was born.

um.. ok, there's your problem right here. After several years of you both living this way you cannot expect him to all of a sudden change his ways by reading your mind.

I get that he SHOULD be able to figure this out on his own as a parent, partner, and empathetic person, but clearly he's not, and honestly , most men don't and won't. Men are inherently clueless and selfish when it comes to being a parent. Unfortunately, you have to tell him outright what you expect of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, does he make a lot more money than you? Do you work because you want to or because you have to?

I’m not the OP, but does it matter? It’s not like your boss or your co-workers know if you are there because you want to be or because you have to be (and if they do, and it’s because you want to be, then you are kind of a d!*k).

Women have choices. Men have obligations. I'm just wondering how much of this has to do with OP's choices.

What are you talking about? The OP literally a post about how she is obligated to be with her young children, and her husband comes and goes when he chooses.