This is really bothering me- always being "on" as the parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Prefacing this by saying that DH is a wonderful involved Dad and pull his weight around this house. We both work full time. Toddler and preschool aged kids.

I made a comment during a disagreement yesterday that he doesn't understand how stressful it is to be "always on" because he can largely come and go as he pleases. He was really shocked and said he didn't think that was the dynamic at all and I told him to think about it and we can discuss it today.

These are my feelings:
-DH travels for work one week every month or two. Obviously during that time, I have to do 100% of kids, house, dog, etc. If anything comes up like kids are sick, doc appointment, I get sick, something happens at work I just have to handle it. I knew this is part of his job, we discussed this thoroughly before he accepted it, but it is still stressful for me. I'm not expecting anything to change here but maybe just some thanks or acknowledgment for holding down the fort while he's taking pre work runs through Central Park or along the ocean.

-Last night he went for a run then to the store without even telling me he was leaving. Just assuming that was fine for me.

-He has a client for wok that's an hour drive away. He had to go there last Monday for a meeting and it spiraled into this huge fiasco that has resulted in him having to be there on site everyday last week and thus far this week. Everyday he says he will be home at regular time and then every day he has texted me that its running over- will be late and is coming home 2 hours later than normal. Again, I understand this is for work and out of his control but couldn't he ASK instead of TELL me that he will be late.

-When we have date nights or go out with friends, he always lets loose and gets drunk, assuming I will have a glass or two of wine and be fine to be on with the kids. Sometimes the toddler still wakes up during the night and they both get up at 6am. If DH has more than 2 a couple beers, he sleeps like a total rock and would never wake to the kids calling out.

I can't imagine ever just leaving for a run without ensuring he was available to care for the kids.

Does anyone else feel like this? If you don't, how do you hit a better balance?

OP, please look above.

The items in bold are absolute top priority. Let the work-related things cool off for now. The bolded items are up for serious discussion and require him to change his thinking to put you and the kids ahead of himself. I'm not saying he's a bad guy! But these two items -- just leaving without even minimal check-in to see if maybe YOU were about to go out, etc,, and drinking to the point of being drunk, well, any time -- are red flags that he doesn't truly "get" that he is not the center of the family. The kids are.

I do NOT say that becasue I have some magical-mommy gooey idea that "kids are the center of the universe." I say it because at your children's ages, they are truly unable to cope without a fully functioning, sober adult Right. There. With. Them. This is their age and stage and he does not get it at all.

I'd be telling him that it is discourteous at best and potentially risky at worst to just up and disappear to the store. Sure, he may think he's being helpful and you can add that IF it's true: "I know you were trying to be helpful, but I could not find you and had to text to see where you were. I needed you to (whatever with kid 1) because I had to (whatever with kid 2)...I am not telling you, never go out for a run, never dash to the store, but I'm ASKING you just to let me know as a courtesy, like I do with you. " The cutting loose and getting drunk is even worse because he is functioning on an assumption he may not even realize he has; does he actually express to you, "Well, I knew you'd be sober for the kids, so why can't I relax and unwind?!" If you're OK with the drinking to excess in itself, you and he need to take turns on when he can drink more and when YOU can drink more if that's your thing. But either way, he's clearly thinking about himself first, kids second. Of course parents are adults with their own interests, friends and lives, but you are putting the kids ahead of any "need" to unwind, ahead of a run or a drink, and he really isn't even thinking about it.

I'd script what you want to say so you aren't finger-wagging. "When you do X, I feel Y" is a good construction, whereas "You always do X!"

The work issues are actually simpler. Wtih the travel, just say that you understand and appreciate the travel; expres that you do feel a bit jealous of things like his getting to spend the off hours doing what he wants, in places that are interesting. Just own the fact it's nice for him and you're a bit envious, and ask if he can see why. He might say, "Well, what do you want me to do about it? I'm working!" If so, defuse his defensiveness and explain you are not asking him to change! You're asking just for him to acknowledge that when he's on travel, he's free of 100 percent of not just kid stuff but life stuff, and you'd like a little recognition. Ask for it.

The work at the client site that blew up -- I really would let that go entirely, based on what you describe. You want him to ask you and not tell you he's not going to be home at the predetermined time, but honestly, if he's at a client's beck and call, he cannot "ask" you anything; he's got to do what the client wants, when the client wants it. It is temporary, based on your description, and I truly would not raise that as an example. If you've been keeping dinner hot for him or keeping the kids up to see him when he gets in, etc., just stop. But if he expects to walk in the door hours later than usual and later than he'd anticipated, AND then wants to see kids who should be asleep and eat hot food like it's a restaurant, well, that is a poor and unrealistic expectation on HIS part, not yours. And I'd tell him so. "The kids will be cranky all day tomorrow if they stay up past bedtime to see you; and you will not be the one dealing with that fallout. This is not our normal routine so let's get through this one assignment and it will go back to normal, but you know they need their routine." (All this is a big "if," though; maybe he does not swan in late expecting kid hugs and a full meal on the table. I hope not.)

It sounds like he's not clued in to the toddler/preschooler stage and also maybe he's so into his work that he's used to putting that, and by extension himself, first. He may even say, "I earn the most/have a career going and I need down time/need to relax and drink with friends/don't get why you think my work travel is glamorous" etc. If he really is like that, you and he might benefit from some short-term counseling focused on communications and being aware of each others' contributions to the family and voicing recognition of those responsibilities.

Do clearly acknowledge and repeat that you consider him a good, engaged dad. Also, honestly, I'd try to book a night away for just the two of you if you have a trusted overnight sitter who comes to your house. You and your DH sound way, way, overstreteched, especially with his work.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, above should say, "Whereas, 'You always do X!" is not a good construction."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look at this way. The way he is acting is normal and the way you are acting is not.

It’s weird you never say, I’m not driving and I’m sleeping in tomorrow morning.

I won’t be home Wednesday because I’m going out/working out/visiting friend.

I’m going away with girlfriends for 4 days, tag you are it.

It’s odd you don’t ask for what you need to feel like you are not “always on”.

You’d rather you both be “always on” than you be more like him and do what normal healthy people do and take time for yourself and enjoy life.

OP here. Maybe?
In the bolded situation I would say "Hey Larla asked me to grab dinner on Wednesday. Does that work for you?"

or "I'm going to dinner with Larla Wednesday."

Don't over think it.

[Anonymous]

I’d give him a pass on the work issues.
The store thing is rude and is product of cluelessness. He doesn’t need to ask Permian but he should announce that he’s going out and ask if you need anything as well.
As for the date nights, speak up. If you don’t say anything he might assume you’re fine with the status quo.
And finally, take a leaf out of his book for yourself. Just take the time you need to do the things you want, and let him deal.

[Anonymous]

I had this dynamic too. I told him that even though it's almost always ok, he needs to "ask" me before making plans. For example, he likes to do yoga in the morning. He needs to ask me if it's ok before he books it--it almost always is, but I do have occasional work calls that overlap with school drop-off. I He's gotten really good about asking first, but will occasionally forget. For example, last week and he booked a massage, then said "I have a massage booked for 4-6, which would mean you have to get the kids from school. I can reschedule if I need to, but does that work?" I told him it worked, but that he needs to ask before he books. At first he said he thought I was making too big of a deal out of it, but when I explained my therapist said it's manipulative to do something then say you can change it (instead of having a discussion, it puts the onus on me to tell him no) he got it.

I also know he's terrible at estimating how long things will take and also gives me the estimates for the best case scenario, so I would just assume he's not going to be home if he's been working late on a project.

I don't want a weeklong girls trip or to try to force him to always be on by just disappearing and leaving the kids with him, I want to be able to plan and make sure that plans work for our family, not just him!

[Anonymous]

It is a gender thing.

I hope you can open his eyes and perhaps increase his sensitivity to how it feels to be you.

Hopefully he won't get defensive.

I am glad that you spoke up.

[Anonymous]

He needs a new job because he is incompetent if he needs to be onsite with a client LATE into the evening every day for a week in 2023.

Or being DCUM he’s having an affair.

Does he make a lot more than you, or is this a job he chose because he enjoys the work. We both compromised career choices to find one that was family friendly because we want about the same. If one of us was the breadwinner, their job would take priority (whether DH or DW).

[Anonymous]

YES. The part where my DH just leaves the house whenever he feels like it really gets to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look at this way. The way he is acting is normal and the way you are acting is not.

It’s weird you never say, I’m not driving and I’m sleeping in tomorrow morning.

I won’t be home Wednesday because I’m going out/working out/visiting friend.

I’m going away with girlfriends for 4 days, tag you are it.

It’s odd you don’t ask for what you need to feel like you are not “always on”.

You’d rather you both be “always on” than you be more like him and do what normal healthy people do and take time for yourself and enjoy life.

OP here. Maybe?
In the bolded situation I would say "Hey Larla asked me to grab dinner on Wednesday. Does that work for you?"

or "I'm going to dinner with Larla Wednesday."

Don't over think it.

NP - I know that different couples handle these kinds of situations differently, but I find it discourteous at best to assume that your spouse will automatically cover for your leisure activities. It’s not about overthinking it, it’s about not taking your partner’s time and emotional energy for granted. Gender doesn’t matter; I know plenty of women who treat their husbands like hired help and really take advantage.

Also, no, the way he is acting is not “normal.” It’s incredibly rude to just leave the house on a random weeknight for a run and trip to the store. I workout every day, have trained for many races since having my three kids, and I’d never just waltz out the door with no notice. Neither does DH. He’s not perfect, by the way, but he doesn’t pull crap like this. It’s very reasonable to expect your spouse to (1) communicate with you about their hoped-for plans and (2) not drink to excess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do it to him a few times and that will open his eyes. Like get up before he is awake in the morning and leave the house.

Whatever you do, OP, don't do what PP above says. It's immature game-playing, it's tit-for-tat that will just escalate as each parent tries to "show" the other "Here's how it feels!"

It also guarantees a fight later. And it puts your kids into he middle as pawns. I get it; this sounds like delighful payback, giving dad what dad is dishing out to mom, etc. But it's not how grown-ups should navigate problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:YES. The part where my DH just leaves the house whenever he feels like it really gets to me.

Asking seriously (no snark) -- what have you said to your DH about it? What requests have you made of DH, or have you and he sat down and scheduled out things like exercise or social stuff or whatever he's leaving the house for? Have you spoken up, said this does not work for you and the kids, and what changes have you suggested? If he doesn't know it gets to you, he'll keep thinking he's fine. Self-centered, yes, but he also needs to hear very clearly that it's damaging how you think of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're only wrong about the work thing - he's not going to ASK you if it's okay if he's home late. The client is staring at him while he says "Is it okay if I stay late at Joe's? Please?" Absolutely not professional.

Just assume each time he goes to that client he'll be home late.

DP. I ask. Sometimes the answer is “no,” and DH also has a work thing. If that happens, then I find someone else to watch the kids or I ask him to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look at this way. The way he is acting is normal and the way you are acting is not.

It’s weird you never say, I’m not driving and I’m sleeping in tomorrow morning.

I won’t be home Wednesday because I’m going out/working out/visiting friend.

I’m going away with girlfriends for 4 days, tag you are it.

It’s odd you don’t ask for what you need to feel like you are not “always on”.

You’d rather you both be “always on” than you be more like him and do what normal healthy people do and take time for yourself and enjoy life.

DP. Lol no. I can’t tell you every time I have to fight tooth and nail to be able to go out. One time he even made me take DS on a girl’s night out (that I had planned days earlier and told him about). The other time he was calling me while I was sitting getting my hair cut freaking out that he “had to go” and was going to leave DS home alone (again I had told him about it days in advance.)

DH literally never clears his plans with me. He just leaves or doesn’t show up. Works as late as he “needs”. Has been this way since baby was born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're only wrong about the work thing - he's not going to ASK you if it's okay if he's home late. The client is staring at him while he says "Is it okay if I stay late at Joe's? Please?" Absolutely not professional.

Just assume each time he goes to that client he'll be home late.

What? No. He can text her and ask.

When you have kids, you need to make sure that someone is picking them up and is home. You can't just assume.

Exactly. This attitude is the insidious way women’s careers get sabotaged. The man assuming his job takes precedence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had this dynamic too. I told him that even though it's almost always ok, he needs to "ask" me before making plans. For example, he likes to do yoga in the morning. He needs to ask me if it's ok before he books it--it almost always is, but I do have occasional work calls that overlap with school drop-off. I He's gotten really good about asking first, but will occasionally forget. For example, last week and he booked a massage, then said "I have a massage booked for 4-6, which would mean you have to get the kids from school. I can reschedule if I need to, but does that work?" I told him it worked, but that he needs to ask before he books. At first he said he thought I was making too big of a deal out of it, but when I explained my therapist said it's manipulative to do something then say you can change it (instead of having a discussion, it puts the onus on me to tell him no) he got it.

I also know he's terrible at estimating how long things will take and also gives me the estimates for the best case scenario, so I would just assume he's not going to be home if he's been working late on a project.

I don't want a weeklong girls trip or to try to force him to always be on by just disappearing and leaving the kids with him, I want to be able to plan and make sure that plans work for our family, not just him!

DP, over here applauding you and your husband for working on this constructively and for having the breakthrough of his actually changing his ways and recognizing he was creating a problem. Not just a scheduling problem, but a problem in the relationship. You and he are a good example that this kind of stuff can be overcome, especially if both parties actually listen to each other and care about the "we" before the "me." You're also both setting a good example for your kids, re: how adults deal with things rather than letting things fester.