This is really bothering me- always being "on" as the parent

[Anonymous]

Prefacing this by saying that DH is a wonderful involved Dad and pull his weight around this house. We both work full time. Toddler and preschool aged kids.

I made a comment during a disagreement yesterday that he doesn't understand how stressful it is to be "always on" because he can largely come and go as he pleases. He was really shocked and said he didn't think that was the dynamic at all and I told him to think about it and we can discuss it today.

These are my feelings:
-DH travels for work one week every month or two. Obviously during that time, I have to do 100% of kids, house, dog, etc. If anything comes up like kids are sick, doc appointment, I get sick, something happens at work I just have to handle it. I knew this is part of his job, we discussed this thoroughly before he accepted it, but it is still stressful for me. I'm not expecting anything to change here but maybe just some thanks or acknowledgment for holding down the fort while he's taking pre work runs through Central Park or along the ocean.

-Last night he went for a run then to the store without even telling me he was leaving. Just assuming that was fine for me.

-He has a client for wok that's an hour drive away. He had to go there last Monday for a meeting and it spiraled into this huge fiasco that has resulted in him having to be there on site everyday last week and thus far this week. Everyday he says he will be home at regular time and then every day he has texted me that its running over- will be late and is coming home 2 hours later than normal. Again, I understand this is for work and out of his control but couldn't he ASK instead of TELL me that he will be late.

-When we have date nights or go out with friends, he always lets loose and gets drunk, assuming I will have a glass or two of wine and be fine to be on with the kids. Sometimes the toddler still wakes up during the night and they both get up at 6am. If DH has more than 2 a couple beers, he sleeps like a total rock and would never wake to the kids calling out.

I can't imagine ever just leaving for a run without ensuring he was available to care for the kids.

Does anyone else feel like this? If you don't, how do you hit a better balance?

[Anonymous]

Do it to him a few times and that will open his eyes. Like get up before he is awake in the morning and leave the house.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. Of all my friends with partners and kids, I only know ONE where the father is "on" as well. The other fathers, including my husband, do not reliably think of the kids when they make plans. They tend to assume the mother will take care of the kids.

My husband has been on and off over the years, as work demands fluctuates. Right now he's "on", because he doesn't have a lot of work, and I've been having health issues. There were years when he was entirely "off".

It's a conversation that will be ongoing, OP, in your marriage.

[Anonymous]

I think pretty much all women I know feel this way. Its important to bring up with your partner before you start to resent him. And talk about it at a time when you're not upset about it so the conversation goes better.

AND A good week long girls trip usually does the trick so they can feel what its like to be "on". But mine always invites his mom to stay and help so he doesn't get the full load.

[Anonymous]

I'd just read this list to him. Of course he doesn't feel like he's putting it on you because these are a mix of "work-mandated" and "not a huge deal" (you were home when he went to the market, he doesn't get drunk often, etc.). But it's the continuous Larla Will Handle It mindset that adds up. Assuming he's not a jerk, seeing it laid out will help him understand this is a real thing and can be changed.

Also after he comes home from a work trip you need to make yourself scarce for at least a full weekend day. Turn *off*.

[Anonymous]

The ASK for an emergency work situation is not reasonable unless you have an emergency on your end that he knows of. I would TELL my DH if I have to work late due to an emergency, and assume he will deal with home stuff.

Everything else, I agree with you. Your DH doesn't realize how hard it is because he's never been in that position. I find that most DHs just assume you have everything in control, that you are the default parent for everything, even when they are home. He was "shocked" because he thinks you signed up for being the default parent even when he's home.

So, you need to tell him that when he's home, you need him to be the primary parent and not assume that you will take care of everything. And also, take a weekend for yourself every month when he's not traveling, and let him be the default parent.

Toddlers/early ES are the hardest years, both parenting and on the marriage. It will get easier. My kids are now teens, but life was so stressful when our kids were younger, even with DH doing a lot (not traveling) that I told DH that I was going to take a step back from work (ie quit) for a couple of years. Thankfully, I got a PT wfh job after about a year of being a sahp, then as the kids got older, converted to FT.

Or get a nanny/sitter if you can so you can decompress. It's super hard without any support around you. I had no support.

[Anonymous]

Look at this way. The way he is acting is normal and the way you are acting is not.

It’s weird you never say, I’m not driving and I’m sleeping in tomorrow morning.

I won’t be home Wednesday because I’m going out/working out/visiting friend.

I’m going away with girlfriends for 4 days, tag you are it.

It’s odd you don’t ask for what you need to feel like you are not “always on”.

You’d rather you both be “always on” than you be more like him and do what normal healthy people do and take time for yourself and enjoy life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look at this way. The way he is acting is normal and the way you are acting is not.

It’s weird you never say, I’m not driving and I’m sleeping in tomorrow morning.

I won’t be home Wednesday because I’m going out/working out/visiting friend.

I’m going away with girlfriends for 4 days, tag you are it.

It’s odd you don’t ask for what you need to feel like you are not “always on”.

You’d rather you both be “always on” than you be more like him and do what normal healthy people do and take time for yourself and enjoy life.

OP here. Maybe?
In the bolded situation I would say "Hey Larla asked me to grab dinner on Wednesday. Does that work for you?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think pretty much all women I know feel this way. Its important to bring up with your partner before you start to resent him. And talk about it at a time when you're not upset about it so the conversation goes better.

AND A good week long girls trip usually does the trick so they can feel what its like to be "on". But mine always invites his mom to stay and help so he doesn't get the full load.

I'm a DH, and I just want to second the recommendation for a long trip if it's at all in the cards. Not even as some kind of "pay back." My wife went on a trip to Europe for a week with her friend, and it was a great thing. Relevant to this topic, it gave me a frame of reference in terms of being the primary parent. Even where everyone has good intentions, it's tough to get that frame of reference when the default parent is around. On top of that, it gave me confidence in my own judgment on how to handle parenting situations. I wasn't consulting with my wife about the "right" way to do things. It gave my wife a better ability to just let go and trust that I would handle things capably. Intellectually, she knew I could; but emotionally, it was always a little tough for her to disengage and just let me do whatever it was that needed doing. And, of course, a week away from the normal grind is good for everyone.

[Anonymous]

DH is a wonderful partner and father... and still does this to me quite a lot. Like Saturday morning he just got up and started working on his home improvement projects without ever asking me if I was watching the kids. He just assumed I would. (The kids are toddlers and can't be near the power tools and his construction)

We had a long discussion about this. I want to enjoy my weekends as a family, not play babysitter to all 3 by myself.

[Anonymous]

Read “Fair Play” by Eve Rodsky. Then have him read it.

He is NOT a wonderful, involved Dad if he is doing this on the fruits of your time. There may not be malicious intent here, but he needs to acknowledge it and work to over come it.

[Anonymous]

You're only wrong about the work thing - he's not going to ASK you if it's okay if he's home late. The client is staring at him while he says "Is it okay if I stay late at Joe's? Please?" Absolutely not professional.

Just assume each time he goes to that client he'll be home late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're only wrong about the work thing - he's not going to ASK you if it's okay if he's home late. The client is staring at him while he says "Is it okay if I stay late at Joe's? Please?" Absolutely not professional.

Just assume each time he goes to that client he'll be home late.

What? No. He can text her and ask.

When you have kids, you need to make sure that someone is picking them up and is home. You can't just assume.

[Anonymous]

Dh is a hands on dad, but he also doesn't feel like he's ON all the time like I am. And he travels for work about as much as yours does. He just comes and goes on those work trips, and if take a night or two with my sister or a friend it's so many more moving parts we need to adjust for.

Part of it is just our personalities - I'm a planner, organizer, and instinctively maternal. And he generally is more fly by the seat of your pants "we'll figure it out" type. And his parents were very hand off and slightly selfish while my parents were alllll about hands on parenting (pros and cons on both sides, and of course there's a happy medium to figure out).

Now that our kids are older (9 and 12) it's gotten a lot easier because they can get themselves home from school alone and be home for a bit without us. The older one has a phone and can help coordinate his own ride somewhere if needed. So it's also partially the phase that youre in, and that will pass.

I really do think a lot of it is instinct where moms feel the need to really take on the role while even great dads approach it differently.

[Anonymous]

I'm the husband in that role. Wife is an engaged mom, does planning for special things (gifts, etc.) and involved in other planning (camps, etc.), but I end up doing all the registrations. In 7 years I've packed the lunch (and provisioned the house to have food for lunch and the rest of the time). I drive to/from school (except rare occasions). She's busy with work and I have more flexibility. But I bear the burden. Whatever has happened, no matter how little sleep, the alarm means I am up and have the next 120 minutes completely packed. If we have anything to do special, she gets up and takes a shower and gets dressed. Like your husband, I think my wife probably would be surprised to realize how she can roll out of bed without anything to worry about but her own shower and clothes.