Spouses with hfa

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. I just don't see how a truly autistic person even one considered high functioning can "mask" for long enough to "fool" someone while in a relationship especially if that person has never been diagnosed/received therapy/had early intervention. Yes, there is a spectrum but even on that spectrum there are consistent and persistent deficits that even in folks who are 40+ and may not have been diagnosed as children or young adults will be obvious to any NT person interacting with them. Now, whether that NT person puts together the information and returns a result of autism is another story but the deficits are always there because there is just no amount of "masking" that can cover those. They may have been brushed under the rug so to speak or not acknowledged while dating but they were always there-and that's not masking. It really irritates me the way some of these people like to conflate masking narcissism and/or abusive behavior with autism and then come on here and perpetuate this idea that people who are autistic have no emotions or feelings, or can't empathize with others. Because some of the people in the relationship threads like to point out how intelligent their spouse is, what a great job they have and how they are social butterflies who expend all their energy at their job and then have no emotional capacity for family and "masked" while dating, well my son is diagnosed HFA with an IQ tested at 130 and has always been able quickly incorporate various early intervention techniques learned through unstuck and ontarget, speech and OT into his day to day routine. He is kind, empathetic, and extremely outgoing but how he delivers those traits is just different. It is. He shows obvious concern when someone is hurting and absolutely FEELS for people if they are sad and will often cry with/for them and hug them, but can't understand why when he is sad others will do the same for him. His first question is always, "Why are you sad?" when someone is upset because he is hurting or sad. He can't understand the concept that just as he empathizes for others they do the same for him. The first time he meets someone it's as if they've been friends for years but only because he will ask their name, talk with them, and then launch into a discussion about dwarf planets, or sports teams, or whatever else, and then continuously circle back to that topic. There is no way someone could have a relationship with him and not realize he isn't NT.

Huh?
How old is your son?
What do outsiders say or think about him? Not someone living with him or parenting him 24/7.
Unclear why you loathe the concept of masking so much. Oh well.

DP. She “loathes” the concept of masking because it makes no sense based on her actual experience of her child. Given that her child was diagnosed with autism, likely through the ADOS which elicits naturalistic responses, my guess is he appears autistic to most people. “Masking” as currently used is a concept made up by social media. It’s a shame because it refers to an actual phenomenon which if, properly defined, probably is important to understanding the stressors of high functioning autistic teens/adults.

Yes the masking uses up energy “behaving” in class or friend groups or in the office.

But results in the opposite result once home and “safe.” They are too tired to engage in anything or lash out on others.

They really need to admit the significant amount of decompression time they need and find cleaners, Nannie’s, drivers and family friends to fill in for them at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. I just don't see how a truly autistic person even one considered high functioning can "mask" for long enough to "fool" someone while in a relationship especially if that person has never been diagnosed/received therapy/had early intervention. Yes, there is a spectrum but even on that spectrum there are consistent and persistent deficits that even in folks who are 40+ and may not have been diagnosed as children or young adults will be obvious to any NT person interacting with them. Now, whether that NT person puts together the information and returns a result of autism is another story but the deficits are always there because there is just no amount of "masking" that can cover those. They may have been brushed under the rug so to speak or not acknowledged while dating but they were always there-and that's not masking. It really irritates me the way some of these people like to conflate masking narcissism and/or abusive behavior with autism and then come on here and perpetuate this idea that people who are autistic have no emotions or feelings, or can't empathize with others. Because some of the people in the relationship threads like to point out how intelligent their spouse is, what a great job they have and how they are social butterflies who expend all their energy at their job and then have no emotional capacity for family and "masked" while dating, well my son is diagnosed HFA with an IQ tested at 130 and has always been able quickly incorporate various early intervention techniques learned through unstuck and ontarget, speech and OT into his day to day routine. He is kind, empathetic, and extremely outgoing but how he delivers those traits is just different. It is. He shows obvious concern when someone is hurting and absolutely FEELS for people if they are sad and will often cry with/for them and hug them, but can't understand why when he is sad others will do the same for him. His first question is always, "Why are you sad?" when someone is upset because he is hurting or sad. He can't understand the concept that just as he empathizes for others they do the same for him. The first time he meets someone it's as if they've been friends for years but only because he will ask their name, talk with them, and then launch into a discussion about dwarf planets, or sports teams, or whatever else, and then continuously circle back to that topic. There is no way someone could have a relationship with him and not realize he isn't NT.

Huh?
How old is your son?
What do outsiders say or think about him? Not someone living with him or parenting him 24/7.
Unclear why you loathe the concept of masking so much. Oh well.

DP. She “loathes” the concept of masking because it makes no sense based on her actual experience of her child. Given that her child was diagnosed with autism, likely through the ADOS which elicits naturalistic responses, my guess is he appears autistic to most people. “Masking” as currently used is a concept made up by social media. It’s a shame because it refers to an actual phenomenon which if, properly defined, probably is important to understanding the stressors of high functioning autistic teens/adults.

Yes the masking uses up energy “behaving” in class or friend groups or in the office.

But results in the opposite result once home and “safe.” They are too tired to engage in anything or lash out on others.

They really need to admit the significant amount of decompression time they need and find cleaners, Nannie’s, drivers and family friends to fill in for them at home.

This thread is about children. Take your complaint about your husband elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m confused.

What is the typical range of emotions an autist displays and can identify? Our doctor said teaching our children 30+ emotion labels would help them understand themselves and others more. But those labels or identifiers had to be explicitly taught.

How do the demonstrate empathy or the ability to put themselves in others shoes, or see another perspective outside of their own? Do them demonstrate this by finding needs and fulfilling them?

There’s no actual scientific research on this. You can read writings by autistic adults (or just observe your own kids) and see that they experience a range of emotions. Also the demand that they “demonstrate empathy” as children in a way that adults deem correct is really toxic. Kids (NT or not) are self-centered. They don’t go around finding other people’s needs and fulfilling them.

Therapist explained it this way. Empathy is seeing a need, taking action, taking the “right action.” It requires awareness, effort, and some degree is skill.

This could be for every day things like: the dog needs a walk, a kid needs to talk or a hug, the garbage needs to go out, arrangements need to be made for kids half day off.

You can teach an ASD person rules and routines, and they will slot them in to their routine if not overwhelmed.
Take dog out at 7am, 3pm and 7pm. They will do this religiously, no improvising. That can be good or bad. (Ie don’t look up weather coming)
Hug your kid twice a day.
Load up garbage Sunday and Wednesdays. Can’t tell them to monitor for it, they won’t.

The other from of empathy that makes humans humans is the ability to hold two opposing through and work through them, find a solution.
wife doesn’t want to go to Mexico and but he does. Kid is scared of Star Wars movie but he wants to watch it now. Wife wants house cleaned up no so she can cook, but he wants to do it only Sunday nights.
This can be a BIG cerebral hang up for an ASD person, you can tell them your perspective or view many times and they will ignore or fight it. They saw it a different way and that is their rule.

I would be extremely wary of a therapist who dwelled on the concept of an “empathy deficit” in treating a kid on the spectrum. It’s not like the kind of ABA that punished kids for stimming, but it is a very non-objective deficit-based approach. Suggesting that kids with autism are less than human because they don’t conform to some abstract notion of “empathy” is obviously problematic. I mean, what you describe doesn’t sound like empathy anyway. It sounds like rigidity and being unable to compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. I just don't see how a truly autistic person even one considered high functioning can "mask" for long enough to "fool" someone while in a relationship especially if that person has never been diagnosed/received therapy/had early intervention. Yes, there is a spectrum but even on that spectrum there are consistent and persistent deficits that even in folks who are 40+ and may not have been diagnosed as children or young adults will be obvious to any NT person interacting with them. Now, whether that NT person puts together the information and returns a result of autism is another story but the deficits are always there because there is just no amount of "masking" that can cover those. They may have been brushed under the rug so to speak or not acknowledged while dating but they were always there-and that's not masking. It really irritates me the way some of these people like to conflate masking narcissism and/or abusive behavior with autism and then come on here and perpetuate this idea that people who are autistic have no emotions or feelings, or can't empathize with others. Because some of the people in the relationship threads like to point out how intelligent their spouse is, what a great job they have and how they are social butterflies who expend all their energy at their job and then have no emotional capacity for family and "masked" while dating, well my son is diagnosed HFA with an IQ tested at 130 and has always been able quickly incorporate various early intervention techniques learned through unstuck and ontarget, speech and OT into his day to day routine. He is kind, empathetic, and extremely outgoing but how he delivers those traits is just different. It is. He shows obvious concern when someone is hurting and absolutely FEELS for people if they are sad and will often cry with/for them and hug them, but can't understand why when he is sad others will do the same for him. His first question is always, "Why are you sad?" when someone is upset because he is hurting or sad. He can't understand the concept that just as he empathizes for others they do the same for him. The first time he meets someone it's as if they've been friends for years but only because he will ask their name, talk with them, and then launch into a discussion about dwarf planets, or sports teams, or whatever else, and then continuously circle back to that topic. There is no way someone could have a relationship with him and not realize he isn't NT.

Huh?
How old is your son?
What do outsiders say or think about him? Not someone living with him or parenting him 24/7.
Unclear why you loathe the concept of masking so much. Oh well.

DP. She “loathes” the concept of masking because it makes no sense based on her actual experience of her child. Given that her child was diagnosed with autism, likely through the ADOS which elicits naturalistic responses, my guess is he appears autistic to most people. “Masking” as currently used is a concept made up by social media. It’s a shame because it refers to an actual phenomenon which if, properly defined, probably is important to understanding the stressors of high functioning autistic teens/adults.

Yes the masking uses up energy “behaving” in class or friend groups or in the office.

But results in the opposite result once home and “safe.” They are too tired to engage in anything or lash out on others.

They really need to admit the significant amount of decompression time they need and find cleaners, Nannie’s, drivers and family friends to fill in for them at home.

This thread is about children. Take your complaint about your husband elsewhere.

My kid needs the same. Transitions are tough too, from vacations and back to school or a new sports schedule. Someone calm needs to talk it through with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m confused.

What is the typical range of emotions an autist displays and can identify? Our doctor said teaching our children 30+ emotion labels would help them understand themselves and others more. But those labels or identifiers had to be explicitly taught.

How do the demonstrate empathy or the ability to put themselves in others shoes, or see another perspective outside of their own? Do them demonstrate this by finding needs and fulfilling them?

There’s no actual scientific research on this. You can read writings by autistic adults (or just observe your own kids) and see that they experience a range of emotions. Also the demand that they “demonstrate empathy” as children in a way that adults deem correct is really toxic. Kids (NT or not) are self-centered. They don’t go around finding other people’s needs and fulfilling them.

Therapist explained it this way. Empathy is seeing a need, taking action, taking the “right action.” It requires awareness, effort, and some degree is skill.

This could be for every day things like: the dog needs a walk, a kid needs to talk or a hug, the garbage needs to go out, arrangements need to be made for kids half day off.

You can teach an ASD person rules and routines, and they will slot them in to their routine if not overwhelmed.
Take dog out at 7am, 3pm and 7pm. They will do this religiously, no improvising. That can be good or bad. (Ie don’t look up weather coming)
Hug your kid twice a day.
Load up garbage Sunday and Wednesdays. Can’t tell them to monitor for it, they won’t.

The other from of empathy that makes humans humans is the ability to hold two opposing through and work through them, find a solution.
wife doesn’t want to go to Mexico and but he does. Kid is scared of Star Wars movie but he wants to watch it now. Wife wants house cleaned up no so she can cook, but he wants to do it only Sunday nights.
This can be a BIG cerebral hang up for an ASD person, you can tell them your perspective or view many times and they will ignore or fight it. They saw it a different way and that is their rule.

I would be extremely wary of a therapist who dwelled on the concept of an “empathy deficit” in treating a kid on the spectrum. It’s not like the kind of ABA that punished kids for stimming, but it is a very non-objective deficit-based approach. Suggesting that kids with autism are less than human because they don’t conform to some abstract notion of “empathy” is obviously problematic. I mean, what you describe doesn’t sound like empathy anyway. It sounds like rigidity and being unable to compromise.

Lots of rigidity, lack of compromise and fixation in my hfa kid. Arent these a common symptom of HFa?
She comes home and wants to make cookies, come hell or high water. No matter if there’s a practice or homework or we’re still working or there’s no sugar. There’s a tantrum until it happens or she calms down and gets redirected away from her fixation, cookies. This has happened ages 6-11 now, no progress in being reasonable with personal wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m confused.

What is the typical range of emotions an autist displays and can identify? Our doctor said teaching our children 30+ emotion labels would help them understand themselves and others more. But those labels or identifiers had to be explicitly taught.

How do the demonstrate empathy or the ability to put themselves in others shoes, or see another perspective outside of their own? Do them demonstrate this by finding needs and fulfilling them?

There’s no actual scientific research on this. You can read writings by autistic adults (or just observe your own kids) and see that they experience a range of emotions. Also the demand that they “demonstrate empathy” as children in a way that adults deem correct is really toxic. Kids (NT or not) are self-centered. They don’t go around finding other people’s needs and fulfilling them.

Therapist explained it this way. Empathy is seeing a need, taking action, taking the “right action.” It requires awareness, effort, and some degree is skill.

This could be for every day things like: the dog needs a walk, a kid needs to talk or a hug, the garbage needs to go out, arrangements need to be made for kids half day off.

You can teach an ASD person rules and routines, and they will slot them in to their routine if not overwhelmed.
Take dog out at 7am, 3pm and 7pm. They will do this religiously, no improvising. That can be good or bad. (Ie don’t look up weather coming)
Hug your kid twice a day.
Load up garbage Sunday and Wednesdays. Can’t tell them to monitor for it, they won’t.

The other from of empathy that makes humans humans is the ability to hold two opposing through and work through them, find a solution.
wife doesn’t want to go to Mexico and but he does. Kid is scared of Star Wars movie but he wants to watch it now. Wife wants house cleaned up no so she can cook, but he wants to do it only Sunday nights.
This can be a BIG cerebral hang up for an ASD person, you can tell them your perspective or view many times and they will ignore or fight it. They saw it a different way and that is their rule.

I would be extremely wary of a therapist who dwelled on the concept of an “empathy deficit” in treating a kid on the spectrum. It’s not like the kind of ABA that punished kids for stimming, but it is a very non-objective deficit-based approach. Suggesting that kids with autism are less than human because they don’t conform to some abstract notion of “empathy” is obviously problematic. I mean, what you describe doesn’t sound like empathy anyway. It sounds like rigidity and being unable to compromise.

Lots of rigidity, lack of compromise and fixation in my hfa kid. Arent these a common symptom of HFa?
She comes home and wants to make cookies, come hell or high water. No matter if there’s a practice or homework or we’re still working or there’s no sugar. There’s a tantrum until it happens or she calms down and gets redirected away from her fixation, cookies. This has happened ages 6-11 now, no progress in being reasonable with personal wants.

Sounds like possibly normal adolescent behavior but you should seek out an assessment if you are worried. If she has a “normal” social life and friends, then probably not.

[Anonymous]

My DH has some characteristics of HFA, but I knew and recognized those signs while we were dating. Poor eye contact if stressed, adherence to routine, depth of knowledge in subjects of interest, etc. Fast forward, and our son has an ASD Level 1 diagnosis. No surprise.

I just don’t understand the wives who seem surprised to learn of DH’s autism. They must have been ignoring the signs because I’m 100% sure the signs were there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has some characteristics of HFA, but I knew and recognized those signs while we were dating. Poor eye contact if stressed, adherence to routine, depth of knowledge in subjects of interest, etc. Fast forward, and our son has an ASD Level 1 diagnosis. No surprise.

I just don’t understand the wives who seem surprised to learn of DH’s autism. They must have been ignoring the signs because I’m 100% sure the signs were there.

New poster here, thank you! So many posts focusing on a poor executive functioning skills when autism is really a social communication disorder. If these men really had HFA they would’ve noticed on the first date- lack of eye contact, talking about narrow interests, carrying themselves a little awkwardly, etc. While autism is a spectrum, males are going to have hardships with social communication. You aren’t going to realize it after you have a family with the guy and realize his executive functioning skills are poor.

[Anonymous]

I think wives were oblivious while dating in the same way that moms are sometimes oblivious to their kid's issues. I have friends and family whose children are autistic but the parents don't really "get it" that their children are atypical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just reading this in the Relationship threads.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1110436.page

the OP in that thread appears to be sincere. But then there are some usual suspects who claim that their husbands are “extremely charming” “very successful” and yet autistic (diagnosed by the wife of course). These women are using “autistic”
as an insult to describe their jerk spouses.

Are you seriously trying to say that spouses with ASD can not possibly be charming and/or successful?

And you think they have not been diagnosed as having ASD why? You live with them, all of them?

You are kidding, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think wives were oblivious while dating in the same way that moms are sometimes oblivious to their kid's issues. I have friends and family whose children are autistic but the parents don't really "get it" that their children are atypical.

+1

[Anonymous]

Most people age 30-40 right now don’t know about autism and certainly HFA unless they have a direct relation diagnosed. Heck, most teachers can’t ID it either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister is married to someone who has never been diagnosed but clearly has hfa. However it was clear from day 1 of dating that there was something different and that social situations were challenging for him. He had always felt really different but didn't know why. After reading over info on hfa, it was a huge relief to him that there was an explanation. They didn't move forward with a diagnosis since he has a life that works for him. So in his case, he didn't know but my sister did!

+1. Similar situation. I married to my DH not realizing he has HfA because I did not fully understand what HFA was. I did not realize that autism is a spectrum. He had always felt different but he did not know why. He has a job, can talk to others, attend social events, and can go casual/deep interactive conservations. The only thing I can point out is that he was a bit different than other guys when I dated him, but I did not know that he had HFA. I find out that DH probably has HFA after we had a HFA kid. My kid is smart, high functioning, just a bit quirky/ social delay and talking too much. Teachers do not see common autism traits in him.

+1 wow, I cpuld have written the very same post

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister is married to someone who has never been diagnosed but clearly has hfa. However it was clear from day 1 of dating that there was something different and that social situations were challenging for him. He had always felt really different but didn't know why. After reading over info on hfa, it was a huge relief to him that there was an explanation. They didn't move forward with a diagnosis since he has a life that works for him. So in his case, he didn't know but my sister did!

+1. Similar situation. I married to my DH not realizing he has HfA because I did not fully understand what HFA was. I did not realize that autism is a spectrum. He had always felt different but he did not know why. He has a job, can talk to others, attend social events, and can go casual/deep interactive conservations. The only thing I can point out is that he was a bit different than other guys when I dated him, but I did not know that he had HFA. I find out that DH probably has HFA after we had a HFA kid. My kid is smart, high functioning, just a bit quirky/ social delay and talking too much. Teachers do not see common autism traits in him.

+1 wow, I cpuld have written the very same post

+3

This is a common situation, mostly because being diagnosed as HFA/ASD is fairly recent - if you are under a certain age, you find that hard to realize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just reading this in the Relationship threads.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1110436.page

the OP in that thread appears to be sincere. But then there are some usual suspects who claim that their husbands are “extremely charming” “very successful” and yet autistic (diagnosed by the wife of course). These women are using “autistic”
as an insult to describe their jerk spouses.

Are you seriously trying to say that spouses with ASD can not possibly be charming and/or successful?

And you think they have not been diagnosed as having ASD why? You live with them, all of them?

You are kidding, right?

Not PP but HFA people can be very successfull. My spouse is a wizard with algorithms and is paid very good money to work for a high tech company. Socially spouse can act quirky but not in a way thst would be considered off putting