Spouses with hfa

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just reading this in the Relationship threads.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1110436.page

the OP in that thread appears to be sincere. But then there are some usual suspects who claim that their husbands are “extremely charming” “very successful” and yet autistic (diagnosed by the wife of course). These women are using “autistic”
as an insult to describe their jerk spouses.

Mine was diagnosed when our second child was 1. We were both expecting adhd and a stimulus rx. Lo and behold now we know all about hfa; he’s still very difficult to live with and has a poor relationship with me, the kids, his parents - also likely on the spectrum, and his colleagues. Poor communication, poor executive functioning skills, lack of understanding things, will not offer emotional support or conversation, totally does his one thing- which is work, eat, tv, sleep, can’t see needs of others or things- must be directed on what to do or worse will literally do nothing. Not fix the fire, console the kidC take out the garbage, plan the trip, etc.

How was dating? It had to be the same right?

Dating in grad school and working whilst living in a 1BR apartment is the same thing as managing a house, yard, two kids, two working parents, kids sports & ECs, 4 people’s appointments & health, the nanny, the social lives, the accidents that pop up, two sets of grandparents/extended families, long term planning of camps/ activities/vacations/school needs?

No, it’s not the same. For anyone. But it be functional adult can cover things pretty well solo, probably with one child as well and limited extracurriculars. A simple life. But add all of the above and the desire for a full life and watch out.

But if one side of the parent couple can’t figure out what to do with any of the above, you’re at a deficit.
And if that one side of the parent team is negative deadweight - ie messing up a ton, ignoring or neglecting obligations, stonewalling and focused inward - then you’re at a significant deficit.

Someone who is not emotionally available doesn’t make a good boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just reading this in the Relationship threads.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1110436.page

the OP in that thread appears to be sincere. But then there are some usual suspects who claim that their husbands are “extremely charming” “very successful” and yet autistic (diagnosed by the wife of course). These women are using “autistic”
as an insult to describe their jerk spouses.

Mine was diagnosed when our second child was 1. We were both expecting adhd and a stimulus rx. Lo and behold now we know all about hfa; he’s still very difficult to live with and has a poor relationship with me, the kids, his parents - also likely on the spectrum, and his colleagues. Poor communication, poor executive functioning skills, lack of understanding things, will not offer emotional support or conversation, totally does his one thing- which is work, eat, tv, sleep, can’t see needs of others or things- must be directed on what to do or worse will literally do nothing. Not fix the fire, console the kidC take out the garbage, plan the trip, etc.

How was dating? It had to be the same right?

Dating in grad school and working whilst living in a 1BR apartment is the same thing as managing a house, yard, two kids, two working parents, kids sports & ECs, 4 people’s appointments & health, the nanny, the social lives, the accidents that pop up, two sets of grandparents/extended families, long term planning of camps/ activities/vacations/school needs?

No, it’s not the same. For anyone. But it be functional adult can cover things pretty well solo, probably with one child as well and limited extracurriculars. A simple life. But add all of the above and the desire for a full life and watch out.

But if one side of the parent couple can’t figure out what to do with any of the above, you’re at a deficit.
And if that one side of the parent team is negative deadweight - ie messing up a ton, ignoring or neglecting obligations, stonewalling and focused inward - then you’re at a significant deficit.

Someone who is not emotionally available doesn’t make a good boyfriend.

Funny, when he proposed and we got engaged and called our respective parents his mother literally said: Oh, wow. I didn’t know he had it in him.

Clue #1.

Clue 2 was when someone said he was smart and she countered with: What kind of smart?

I was like WTF?

We lived 1000s of miles from them so things did not add up quickly. I am an empath, super independent, Type A, and can plan an event in 5 mins. Super social as well. So in my case I didn’t realize until post engagement that he was merely tagging along with me and also mirroring my affectionate nature and activities. But similar to others, once married and senior in my company and with 1 then 2 kids, I needed a life partner to be a life partner. And he could not and would not step up. He isolated himself instead. I got worn down and sick a lot. Everything was on my plate, every major and minor decision was left to me. He went in for testing and recs HFa, anxiety and depression. I read up on it, understand it, don’t wish the situation on anyone, and we essentially live parallel lives.

One kid inherited it as well. Shall see how they do over time. I’m focused on keeping their anxiety low and them knowing manners and how to greet people, smile more and it explode.

[Anonymous]

So PP I’m a lot like you personality-wise. I posted earlier on the lack of sex for years. What did you do in your position? I’m concerned that I want more than just sex. I’d like to feel connected. I can see how that would get really messy really fast. Did you open your marriage or just accept celibacy? I’d also just like to thank every person who has contributed to this. I had no idea how shockingly similar our lives are. No one talks about this openly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So PP I’m a lot like you personality-wise. I posted earlier on the lack of sex for years. What did you do in your position? I’m concerned that I want more than just sex. I’d like to feel connected. I can see how that would get really messy really fast. Did you open your marriage or just accept celibacy? I’d also just like to thank every person who has contributed to this. I had no idea how shockingly similar our lives are. No one talks about this openly.

Please take your commiserating about your marriages elsewhere. This is the SN board to support our kids. Not your place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just reading this in the Relationship threads.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1110436.page

the OP in that thread appears to be sincere. But then there are some usual suspects who claim that their husbands are “extremely charming” “very successful” and yet autistic (diagnosed by the wife of course). These women are using “autistic”
as an insult to describe their jerk spouses.

Mine was diagnosed when our second child was 1. We were both expecting adhd and a stimulus rx. Lo and behold now we know all about hfa; he’s still very difficult to live with and has a poor relationship with me, the kids, his parents - also likely on the spectrum, and his colleagues. Poor communication, poor executive functioning skills, lack of understanding things, will not offer emotional support or conversation, totally does his one thing- which is work, eat, tv, sleep, can’t see needs of others or things- must be directed on what to do or worse will literally do nothing. Not fix the fire, console the kidC take out the garbage, plan the trip, etc.

How was dating? It had to be the same right?

Dating in grad school and working whilst living in a 1BR apartment is the same thing as managing a house, yard, two kids, two working parents, kids sports & ECs, 4 people’s appointments & health, the nanny, the social lives, the accidents that pop up, two sets of grandparents/extended families, long term planning of camps/ activities/vacations/school needs?

No, it’s not the same. For anyone. But it be functional adult can cover things pretty well solo, probably with one child as well and limited extracurriculars. A simple life. But add all of the above and the desire for a full life and watch out.

But if one side of the parent couple can’t figure out what to do with any of the above, you’re at a deficit.
And if that one side of the parent team is negative deadweight - ie messing up a ton, ignoring or neglecting obligations, stonewalling and focused inward - then you’re at a significant deficit.

"Dating in grad school and working whilst living in a 1BR apartment is the same thing as managing a house, yard, two kids, two working parents, kids sports & ECs, 4 people’s appointments & health, the nanny, the social lives, the accidents that pop up, two sets of grandparents/extended families, long term planning of camps/ activities/vacations/school needs?"

Wait...there are husbands out there who manage some of this stuff?!?!?

[Anonymous]

My father did and so does my brother with 3 kids, no nanny and a wife who also sometimes travels. It’s a lot but reading personal emails is a good start and some HfA doesn’t do that since they suffer overload from invites, deadlines, decisions.

In contrast some dads are the one setting up the league and team after work hours, and coaching, and emailing around to the group. Mine doesn’t even read the invite. He’s missed other dads request for my kids to join a camp with friend, dinner after a game, sports signups. He just won’t read non-work emails, and he’s on his phone all the time!

[Anonymous]

I don't think it so much as masking as adapting to society. My friends husband has HFA. They didn't realize it fully until both their kids were diagnosed. I mean really there isn't a "normal" person these days. Everyone has something going on.

[Anonymous]

‘Please take your commiserating about your marriages elsewhere. This is the SN board to support our kids. Not your place.’


Many of us have ASD children due to the genetics of this ( yes, actually diagnosed). Finding a way to tolerate marriage and make things less volatile will definitely help my ASD child. Left to 50/50 custody he won’t be getting half his therapy because no one will take him. He also will see a multitude of bad examples daily without any correction or explanation.

This is one of those areas where trying to stay/deal with husband is the only way to continue to get kid proper treatment/therapy. If it were as clearcut as just a couple issue I would have been out a loooooong time ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
‘Please take your commiserating about your marriages elsewhere. This is the SN board to support our kids. Not your place.’


Many of us have ASD children due to the genetics of this ( yes, actually diagnosed). Finding a way to tolerate marriage and make things less volatile will definitely help my ASD child. Left to 50/50 custody he won’t be getting half his therapy because no one will take him. He also will see a multitude of bad examples daily without any correction or explanation.

This is one of those areas where trying to stay/deal with husband is the only way to continue to get kid proper treatment/therapy. If it were as clearcut as just a couple issue I would have been out a loooooong time ago.

Then post in relationships. The OP asked specifically about masking. It was not a general invitation to complain about husbands and cast people with autism in a negative light. Which for many reasons, is totally inapproopriate on the SN board.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. I just don't see how a truly autistic person even one considered high functioning can "mask" for long enough to "fool" someone while in a relationship especially if that person has never been diagnosed/received therapy/had early intervention. Yes, there is a spectrum but even on that spectrum there are consistent and persistent deficits that even in folks who are 40+ and may not have been diagnosed as children or young adults will be obvious to any NT person interacting with them. Now, whether that NT person puts together the information and returns a result of autism is another story but the deficits are always there because there is just no amount of "masking" that can cover those. They may have been brushed under the rug so to speak or not acknowledged while dating but they were always there-and that's not masking. It really irritates me the way some of these people like to conflate masking narcissism and/or abusive behavior with autism and then come on here and perpetuate this idea that people who are autistic have no emotions or feelings, or can't empathize with others. Because some of the people in the relationship threads like to point out how intelligent their spouse is, what a great job they have and how they are social butterflies who expend all their energy at their job and then have no emotional capacity for family and "masked" while dating, well my son is diagnosed HFA with an IQ tested at 130 and has always been able quickly incorporate various early intervention techniques learned through unstuck and ontarget, speech and OT into his day to day routine. He is kind, empathetic, and extremely outgoing but how he delivers those traits is just different. It is. He shows obvious concern when someone is hurting and absolutely FEELS for people if they are sad and will often cry with/for them and hug them, but can't understand why when he is sad others will do the same for him. His first question is always, "Why are you sad?" when someone is upset because he is hurting or sad. He can't understand the concept that just as he empathizes for others they do the same for him. The first time he meets someone it's as if they've been friends for years but only because he will ask their name, talk with them, and then launch into a discussion about dwarf planets, or sports teams, or whatever else, and then continuously circle back to that topic. There is no way someone could have a relationship with him and not realize he isn't NT.

[Anonymous]

I’m confused.

What is the typical range of emotions an autist displays and can identify? Our doctor said teaching our children 30+ emotion labels would help them understand themselves and others more. But those labels or identifiers had to be explicitly taught.

How do the demonstrate empathy or the ability to put themselves in others shoes, or see another perspective outside of their own? Do them demonstrate this by finding needs and fulfilling them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. I just don't see how a truly autistic person even one considered high functioning can "mask" for long enough to "fool" someone while in a relationship especially if that person has never been diagnosed/received therapy/had early intervention. Yes, there is a spectrum but even on that spectrum there are consistent and persistent deficits that even in folks who are 40+ and may not have been diagnosed as children or young adults will be obvious to any NT person interacting with them. Now, whether that NT person puts together the information and returns a result of autism is another story but the deficits are always there because there is just no amount of "masking" that can cover those. They may have been brushed under the rug so to speak or not acknowledged while dating but they were always there-and that's not masking. It really irritates me the way some of these people like to conflate masking narcissism and/or abusive behavior with autism and then come on here and perpetuate this idea that people who are autistic have no emotions or feelings, or can't empathize with others. Because some of the people in the relationship threads like to point out how intelligent their spouse is, what a great job they have and how they are social butterflies who expend all their energy at their job and then have no emotional capacity for family and "masked" while dating, well my son is diagnosed HFA with an IQ tested at 130 and has always been able quickly incorporate various early intervention techniques learned through unstuck and ontarget, speech and OT into his day to day routine. He is kind, empathetic, and extremely outgoing but how he delivers those traits is just different. It is. He shows obvious concern when someone is hurting and absolutely FEELS for people if they are sad and will often cry with/for them and hug them, but can't understand why when he is sad others will do the same for him. His first question is always, "Why are you sad?" when someone is upset because he is hurting or sad. He can't understand the concept that just as he empathizes for others they do the same for him. The first time he meets someone it's as if they've been friends for years but only because he will ask their name, talk with them, and then launch into a discussion about dwarf planets, or sports teams, or whatever else, and then continuously circle back to that topic. There is no way someone could have a relationship with him and not realize he isn't NT.

Huh?
How old is your son?
What do outsiders say or think about him? Not someone living with him or parenting him 24/7.
Unclear why you loathe the concept of masking so much. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m confused.

What is the typical range of emotions an autist displays and can identify? Our doctor said teaching our children 30+ emotion labels would help them understand themselves and others more. But those labels or identifiers had to be explicitly taught.

How do the demonstrate empathy or the ability to put themselves in others shoes, or see another perspective outside of their own? Do them demonstrate this by finding needs and fulfilling them?

There’s no actual scientific research on this. You can read writings by autistic adults (or just observe your own kids) and see that they experience a range of emotions. Also the demand that they “demonstrate empathy” as children in a way that adults deem correct is really toxic. Kids (NT or not) are self-centered. They don’t go around finding other people’s needs and fulfilling them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. I just don't see how a truly autistic person even one considered high functioning can "mask" for long enough to "fool" someone while in a relationship especially if that person has never been diagnosed/received therapy/had early intervention. Yes, there is a spectrum but even on that spectrum there are consistent and persistent deficits that even in folks who are 40+ and may not have been diagnosed as children or young adults will be obvious to any NT person interacting with them. Now, whether that NT person puts together the information and returns a result of autism is another story but the deficits are always there because there is just no amount of "masking" that can cover those. They may have been brushed under the rug so to speak or not acknowledged while dating but they were always there-and that's not masking. It really irritates me the way some of these people like to conflate masking narcissism and/or abusive behavior with autism and then come on here and perpetuate this idea that people who are autistic have no emotions or feelings, or can't empathize with others. Because some of the people in the relationship threads like to point out how intelligent their spouse is, what a great job they have and how they are social butterflies who expend all their energy at their job and then have no emotional capacity for family and "masked" while dating, well my son is diagnosed HFA with an IQ tested at 130 and has always been able quickly incorporate various early intervention techniques learned through unstuck and ontarget, speech and OT into his day to day routine. He is kind, empathetic, and extremely outgoing but how he delivers those traits is just different. It is. He shows obvious concern when someone is hurting and absolutely FEELS for people if they are sad and will often cry with/for them and hug them, but can't understand why when he is sad others will do the same for him. His first question is always, "Why are you sad?" when someone is upset because he is hurting or sad. He can't understand the concept that just as he empathizes for others they do the same for him. The first time he meets someone it's as if they've been friends for years but only because he will ask their name, talk with them, and then launch into a discussion about dwarf planets, or sports teams, or whatever else, and then continuously circle back to that topic. There is no way someone could have a relationship with him and not realize he isn't NT.

Huh?
How old is your son?
What do outsiders say or think about him? Not someone living with him or parenting him 24/7.
Unclear why you loathe the concept of masking so much. Oh well.

DP. She “loathes” the concept of masking because it makes no sense based on her actual experience of her child. Given that her child was diagnosed with autism, likely through the ADOS which elicits naturalistic responses, my guess is he appears autistic to most people. “Masking” as currently used is a concept made up by social media. It’s a shame because it refers to an actual phenomenon which if, properly defined, probably is important to understanding the stressors of high functioning autistic teens/adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m confused.

What is the typical range of emotions an autist displays and can identify? Our doctor said teaching our children 30+ emotion labels would help them understand themselves and others more. But those labels or identifiers had to be explicitly taught.

How do the demonstrate empathy or the ability to put themselves in others shoes, or see another perspective outside of their own? Do them demonstrate this by finding needs and fulfilling them?

There’s no actual scientific research on this. You can read writings by autistic adults (or just observe your own kids) and see that they experience a range of emotions. Also the demand that they “demonstrate empathy” as children in a way that adults deem correct is really toxic. Kids (NT or not) are self-centered. They don’t go around finding other people’s needs and fulfilling them.

Therapist explained it this way. Empathy is seeing a need, taking action, taking the “right action.” It requires awareness, effort, and some degree is skill.

This could be for every day things like: the dog needs a walk, a kid needs to talk or a hug, the garbage needs to go out, arrangements need to be made for kids half day off.

You can teach an ASD person rules and routines, and they will slot them in to their routine if not overwhelmed.
Take dog out at 7am, 3pm and 7pm. They will do this religiously, no improvising. That can be good or bad. (Ie don’t look up weather coming)
Hug your kid twice a day.
Load up garbage Sunday and Wednesdays. Can’t tell them to monitor for it, they won’t.

The other from of empathy that makes humans humans is the ability to hold two opposing through and work through them, find a solution.
wife doesn’t want to go to Mexico and but he does. Kid is scared of Star Wars movie but he wants to watch it now. Wife wants house cleaned up no so she can cook, but he wants to do it only Sunday nights.
This can be a BIG cerebral hang up for an ASD person, you can tell them your perspective or view many times and they will ignore or fight it. They saw it a different way and that is their rule.