Spouses with hfa

[Anonymous]

I see people on the marriage board who found out their spouses had asd after years. Is it really possible to mask entirely for years? As someone with a borderline asd kid I have seen all the back and forths about whether someone can appear nt if they are in fact autistic. ‘Masking’ for years in a marriage feels next level. Am I missing something?

[Anonymous]

I have not experienced that. I think people lump many issues and call it HFA.

[Anonymous]

My sister is married to someone who has never been diagnosed but clearly has hfa. However it was clear from day 1 of dating that there was something different and that social situations were challenging for him. He had always felt really different but didn't know why. After reading over info on hfa, it was a huge relief to him that there was an explanation. They didn't move forward with a diagnosis since he has a life that works for him. So in his case, he didn't know but my sister did!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister is married to someone who has never been diagnosed but clearly has hfa. However it was clear from day 1 of dating that there was something different and that social situations were challenging for him. He had always felt really different but didn't know why. After reading over info on hfa, it was a huge relief to him that there was an explanation. They didn't move forward with a diagnosis since he has a life that works for him. So in his case, he didn't know but my sister did!

+1. Similar situation. I married to my DH not realizing he has HfA because I did not fully understand what HFA was. I did not realize that autism is a spectrum. He had always felt different but he did not know why. He has a job, can talk to others, attend social events, and can go casual/deep interactive conservations. The only thing I can point out is that he was a bit different than other guys when I dated him, but I did not know that he had HFA. I find out that DH probably has HFA after we had a HFA kid. My kid is smart, high functioning, just a bit quirky/ social delay and talking too much. Teachers do not see common autism traits in him.

[Anonymous]

No, you can’t mask for years. That is a misconception being spread online.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister is married to someone who has never been diagnosed but clearly has hfa. However it was clear from day 1 of dating that there was something different and that social situations were challenging for him. He had always felt really different but didn't know why. After reading over info on hfa, it was a huge relief to him that there was an explanation. They didn't move forward with a diagnosis since he has a life that works for him. So in his case, he didn't know but my sister did!

+1. Similar situation. I married to my DH not realizing he has HfA because I did not fully understand what HFA was. I did not realize that autism is a spectrum. He had always felt different but he did not know why. He has a job, can talk to others, attend social events, and can go casual/deep interactive conservations. The only thing I can point out is that he was a bit different than other guys when I dated him, but I did not know that he had HFA. I find out that DH probably has HFA after we had a HFA kid. My kid is smart, high functioning, just a bit quirky/ social delay and talking too much. Teachers do not see common autism traits in him.

+1

[Anonymous]

I was just reading this in the Relationship threads.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1110436.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was just reading this in the Relationship threads.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1110436.page

the OP in that thread appears to be sincere. But then there are some usual suspects who claim that their husbands are “extremely charming” “very successful” and yet autistic (diagnosed by the wife of course). These women are using “autistic”
as an insult to describe their jerk spouses.

[Anonymous]

I think it's sort of "masking" on both ends. Some traits that are a non-issue in the early years of the marriage when there is generally less stress become huge problems when there is more stress and less margin fir error. Maybe in the beginning, one spouse doesn't notice or think it's anything unusual when the other spouse needs to spend an hour every day after work alone in the room reading. Now, with two kids under 5, the spouse is not only adjusting their needs down, but demands two hours of unwind and tantrums if they don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's sort of "masking" on both ends. Some traits that are a non-issue in the early years of the marriage when there is generally less stress become huge problems when there is more stress and less margin fir error. Maybe in the beginning, one spouse doesn't notice or think it's anything unusual when the other spouse needs to spend an hour every day after work alone in the room reading. Now, with two kids under 5, the spouse is not only adjusting their needs down, but demands two hours of unwind and tantrums if they don't get it.

It’s just weird to me that getting from meeting someone to marriage requires emotional intimacy and a lot of soft skills, consideration, charm, thoughtfulness etc that most ppl on the spetrum do not have easily

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's sort of "masking" on both ends. Some traits that are a non-issue in the early years of the marriage when there is generally less stress become huge problems when there is more stress and less margin fir error. Maybe in the beginning, one spouse doesn't notice or think it's anything unusual when the other spouse needs to spend an hour every day after work alone in the room reading. Now, with two kids under 5, the spouse is not only adjusting their needs down, but demands two hours of unwind and tantrums if they don't get it.

It’s just weird to me that getting from meeting someone to marriage requires emotional intimacy and a lot of soft skills, consideration, charm, thoughtfulness etc that most ppl on the spetrum do not have easily

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's sort of "masking" on both ends. Some traits that are a non-issue in the early years of the marriage when there is generally less stress become huge problems when there is more stress and less margin fir error. Maybe in the beginning, one spouse doesn't notice or think it's anything unusual when the other spouse needs to spend an hour every day after work alone in the room reading. Now, with two kids under 5, the spouse is not only adjusting their needs down, but demands two hours of unwind and tantrums if they don't get it.

It’s just weird to me that getting from meeting someone to marriage requires emotional intimacy and a lot of soft skills, consideration, charm, thoughtfulness etc that most ppl on the spetrum do not have easily

I think it depends on what personalities a person is attracted. To me soft skills and charming comes off as insincere and smarmy and my bs meter goes off sometimes. I have seen and experienced consideration and thoughtfulness from people with NT and ASD- I haven’t seen them as lacking in people with ASD but it can look different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see people on the marriage board who found out their spouses had asd after years. Is it really possible to mask entirely for years? As someone with a borderline asd kid I have seen all the back and forths about whether someone can appear nt if they are in fact autistic. ‘Masking’ for years in a marriage feels next level. Am I missing something?

Stop conflating “masking for years” versus masking during easy peasy singlehood days and dating.

Things get real once homes, kids and schedules enter the picture. Then they must rise to the occasion and parent a child and take care of a home, or they fall apart, seclude or lash out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just reading this in the Relationship threads.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1110436.page

the OP in that thread appears to be sincere. But then there are some usual suspects who claim that their husbands are “extremely charming” “very successful” and yet autistic (diagnosed by the wife of course). These women are using “autistic”
as an insult to describe their jerk spouses.

Mine was diagnosed when our second child was 1. We were both expecting adhd and a stimulus rx. Lo and behold now we know all about hfa; he’s still very difficult to live with and has a poor relationship with me, the kids, his parents - also likely on the spectrum, and his colleagues. Poor communication, poor executive functioning skills, lack of understanding things, will not offer emotional support or conversation, totally does his one thing- which is work, eat, tv, sleep, can’t see needs of others or things- must be directed on what to do or worse will literally do nothing. Not fix the fire, console the kidC take out the garbage, plan the trip, etc.

[Anonymous]

This is exactly DH, and actually does come across as completely NT and outgoing but when you throw in responsibilities and look behind the scenes at the stress of daily things like even being asked to meet a contractor he falls apart and lashes out in what looks like an autistic meltdown.