Spouses with hfa

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see people on the marriage board who found out their spouses had asd after years. Is it really possible to mask entirely for years? As someone with a borderline asd kid I have seen all the back and forths about whether someone can appear nt if they are in fact autistic. ‘Masking’ for years in a marriage feels next level. Am I missing something?

Stop conflating “masking for years” versus masking during easy peasy singlehood days and dating.

Things get real once homes, kids and schedules enter the picture. Then they must rise to the occasion and parent a child and take care of a home, or they fall apart, seclude or lash out.

Do you understand what autism is? You cannot mask it like that. Marriages of all kids break under the stress of parenthood and life. It doesn’t mean the spouses were “masking” when it was easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's sort of "masking" on both ends. Some traits that are a non-issue in the early years of the marriage when there is generally less stress become huge problems when there is more stress and less margin fir error. Maybe in the beginning, one spouse doesn't notice or think it's anything unusual when the other spouse needs to spend an hour every day after work alone in the room reading. Now, with two kids under 5, the spouse is not only adjusting their needs down, but demands two hours of unwind and tantrums if they don't get it.

It’s just weird to me that getting from meeting someone to marriage requires emotional intimacy and a lot of soft skills, consideration, charm, thoughtfulness etc that most ppl on the spetrum do not have easily

Intimate relationships are *easier* in many ways than superficial relationships where you need a lot of social skills. Chemistry counts for a lot. People with autism can be very emotional and desire relationships. All these stereotypes…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just reading this in the Relationship threads.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1110436.page

the OP in that thread appears to be sincere. But then there are some usual suspects who claim that their husbands are “extremely charming” “very successful” and yet autistic (diagnosed by the wife of course). These women are using “autistic”
as an insult to describe their jerk spouses.

Mine was diagnosed when our second child was 1. We were both expecting adhd and a stimulus rx. Lo and behold now we know all about hfa; he’s still very difficult to live with and has a poor relationship with me, the kids, his parents - also likely on the spectrum, and his colleagues. Poor communication, poor executive functioning skills, lack of understanding things, will not offer emotional support or conversation, totally does his one thing- which is work, eat, tv, sleep, can’t see needs of others or things- must be directed on what to do or worse will literally do nothing. Not fix the fire, console the kidC take out the garbage, plan the trip, etc.

Ok? None of those are characterstics of autism. And it’s on you if you tolerate such a bad relationship. What is your own DSM diagnosis?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just reading this in the Relationship threads.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1110436.page

the OP in that thread appears to be sincere. But then there are some usual suspects who claim that their husbands are “extremely charming” “very successful” and yet autistic (diagnosed by the wife of course). These women are using “autistic”
as an insult to describe their jerk spouses.

Mine was diagnosed when our second child was 1. We were both expecting adhd and a stimulus rx. Lo and behold now we know all about hfa; he’s still very difficult to live with and has a poor relationship with me, the kids, his parents - also likely on the spectrum, and his colleagues. Poor communication, poor executive functioning skills, lack of understanding things, will not offer emotional support or conversation, totally does his one thing- which is work, eat, tv, sleep, can’t see needs of others or things- must be directed on what to do or worse will literally do nothing. Not fix the fire, console the kidC take out the garbage, plan the trip, etc.

Ok? None of those are characterstics of autism. And it’s on you if you tolerate such a bad relationship. What is your own DSM diagnosis?

Lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see people on the marriage board who found out their spouses had asd after years. Is it really possible to mask entirely for years? As someone with a borderline asd kid I have seen all the back and forths about whether someone can appear nt if they are in fact autistic. ‘Masking’ for years in a marriage feels next level. Am I missing something?

Stop conflating “masking for years” versus masking during easy peasy singlehood days and dating.

Things get real once homes, kids and schedules enter the picture. Then they must rise to the occasion and parent a child and take care of a home, or they fall apart, seclude or lash out.

Do you understand what autism is? You cannot mask it like that. Marriages of all kids break under the stress of parenthood and life. It doesn’t mean the spouses were “masking” when it was easier.

Whatever you say Ma’am. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is exactly DH, and actually does come across as completely NT and outgoing but when you throw in responsibilities and look behind the scenes at the stress of daily things like even being asked to meet a contractor he falls apart and lashes out in what looks like an autistic meltdown.

+1
Plus the significant % of each day they need to be away from any people usually falls on the homefront. They keep a semi-together facade at work. And if they’re senior they can really boss others around or hide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just reading this in the Relationship threads.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1110436.page

the OP in that thread appears to be sincere. But then there are some usual suspects who claim that their husbands are “extremely charming” “very successful” and yet autistic (diagnosed by the wife of course). These women are using “autistic”
as an insult to describe their jerk spouses.

Mine was diagnosed when our second child was 1. We were both expecting adhd and a stimulus rx. Lo and behold now we know all about hfa; he’s still very difficult to live with and has a poor relationship with me, the kids, his parents - also likely on the spectrum, and his colleagues. Poor communication, poor executive functioning skills, lack of understanding things, will not offer emotional support or conversation, totally does his one thing- which is work, eat, tv, sleep, can’t see needs of others or things- must be directed on what to do or worse will literally do nothing. Not fix the fire, console the kidC take out the garbage, plan the trip, etc.

How was dating? It had to be the same right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's sort of "masking" on both ends. Some traits that are a non-issue in the early years of the marriage when there is generally less stress become huge problems when there is more stress and less margin fir error. Maybe in the beginning, one spouse doesn't notice or think it's anything unusual when the other spouse needs to spend an hour every day after work alone in the room reading. Now, with two kids under 5, the spouse is not only adjusting their needs down, but demands two hours of unwind and tantrums if they don't get it.

It’s just weird to me that getting from meeting someone to marriage requires emotional intimacy and a lot of soft skills, consideration, charm, thoughtfulness etc that most ppl on the spetrum do not have easily

So, one of my friends is married to a HFA guy. He is very good looking, very smart, high earning and very quiet. I've known this couple for about 15 years, and I don't think I've ever heard him speaking at a party other than asking when are we leaving.

She told me that she was the one completely driving the courtship. For their first trip together, she asked him to book a hotel, and was shocked when he told her he booked two rooms. So she had to tell him point blank that on this trip they will be sleeping in the same room, in the same bed. But once he figured out they are a couple, he started bringing her flowers every week, and still does. He basically made himself a checklist of romantic gestures and is following it without thinking too much. My friend isn't complaining, though. The money he brings in simplifies her life significantly. Bottom line, not everyone is after the soft skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is exactly DH, and actually does come across as completely NT and outgoing but when you throw in responsibilities and look behind the scenes at the stress of daily things like even being asked to meet a contractor he falls apart and lashes out in what looks like an autistic meltdown.

I’m sorry but this really sounds like anxiety and introversion not autism.
If you are so good at masking that you actually seem charming then you clearly understand the human experience and others perspectives and can communicate extremely well. It may be an effort (it is for me daily) to interface. But that does not mean I have asd

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just reading this in the Relationship threads.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1110436.page

the OP in that thread appears to be sincere. But then there are some usual suspects who claim that their husbands are “extremely charming” “very successful” and yet autistic (diagnosed by the wife of course). These women are using “autistic”
as an insult to describe their jerk spouses.

Mine was diagnosed when our second child was 1. We were both expecting adhd and a stimulus rx. Lo and behold now we know all about hfa; he’s still very difficult to live with and has a poor relationship with me, the kids, his parents - also likely on the spectrum, and his colleagues. Poor communication, poor executive functioning skills, lack of understanding things, will not offer emotional support or conversation, totally does his one thing- which is work, eat, tv, sleep, can’t see needs of others or things- must be directed on what to do or worse will literally do nothing. Not fix the fire, console the kidC take out the garbage, plan the trip, etc.

How was dating? It had to be the same right?

Dating in grad school and working whilst living in a 1BR apartment is the same thing as managing a house, yard, two kids, two working parents, kids sports & ECs, 4 people’s appointments & health, the nanny, the social lives, the accidents that pop up, two sets of grandparents/extended families, long term planning of camps/ activities/vacations/school needs?

No, it’s not the same. For anyone. But it be functional adult can cover things pretty well solo, probably with one child as well and limited extracurriculars. A simple life. But add all of the above and the desire for a full life and watch out.

But if one side of the parent couple can’t figure out what to do with any of the above, you’re at a deficit.
And if that one side of the parent team is negative deadweight - ie messing up a ton, ignoring or neglecting obligations, stonewalling and focused inward - then you’re at a significant deficit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's sort of "masking" on both ends. Some traits that are a non-issue in the early years of the marriage when there is generally less stress become huge problems when there is more stress and less margin fir error. Maybe in the beginning, one spouse doesn't notice or think it's anything unusual when the other spouse needs to spend an hour every day after work alone in the room reading. Now, with two kids under 5, the spouse is not only adjusting their needs down, but demands two hours of unwind and tantrums if they don't get it.

It’s just weird to me that getting from meeting someone to marriage requires emotional intimacy and a lot of soft skills, consideration, charm, thoughtfulness etc that most ppl on the spetrum do not have easily

So, one of my friends is married to a HFA guy. He is very good looking, very smart, high earning and very quiet. I've known this couple for about 15 years, and I don't think I've ever heard him speaking at a party other than asking when are we leaving.

She told me that she was the one completely driving the courtship. For their first trip together, she asked him to book a hotel, and was shocked when he told her he booked two rooms. So she had to tell him point blank that on this trip they will be sleeping in the same room, in the same bed. But once he figured out they are a couple, he started bringing her flowers every week, and still does. He basically made himself a checklist of romantic gestures and is following it without thinking too much. My friend isn't complaining, though. The money he brings in simplifies her life significantly. Bottom line, not everyone is after the soft skills.

Yeah my dad is kind of like this. The thing is, he is genuinely loving and kind with his gestures - he just needed to be told exactly what to do. It worked for a long time in his second marriage. My stepmom got financial stability, status (he’s a professor), a man who routinely did 75% of the housework, and devoted attention. He got companionship, support, help with kids, and a social life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just reading this in the Relationship threads.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1110436.page

the OP in that thread appears to be sincere. But then there are some usual suspects who claim that their husbands are “extremely charming” “very successful” and yet autistic (diagnosed by the wife of course). These women are using “autistic”
as an insult to describe their jerk spouses.

Mine was diagnosed when our second child was 1. We were both expecting adhd and a stimulus rx. Lo and behold now we know all about hfa; he’s still very difficult to live with and has a poor relationship with me, the kids, his parents - also likely on the spectrum, and his colleagues. Poor communication, poor executive functioning skills, lack of understanding things, will not offer emotional support or conversation, totally does his one thing- which is work, eat, tv, sleep, can’t see needs of others or things- must be directed on what to do or worse will literally do nothing. Not fix the fire, console the kidC take out the garbage, plan the trip, etc.

How was dating? It had to be the same right?

Dating in grad school and working whilst living in a 1BR apartment is the same thing as managing a house, yard, two kids, two working parents, kids sports & ECs, 4 people’s appointments & health, the nanny, the social lives, the accidents that pop up, two sets of grandparents/extended families, long term planning of camps/ activities/vacations/school needs?

No, it’s not the same. For anyone. But it be functional adult can cover things pretty well solo, probably with one child as well and limited extracurriculars. A simple life. But add all of the above and the desire for a full life and watch out.

But if one side of the parent couple can’t figure out what to do with any of the above, you’re at a deficit.
And if that one side of the parent team is negative deadweight - ie messing up a ton, ignoring or neglecting obligations, stonewalling and focused inward - then you’re at a significant deficit.

But that doesn’t have much to do with the autism diagnosis … maybe more like ADHD. The two Boomer men I strongly suspect of being on the spectrum (based on their personalities plus kids/grandkids dx’d) are very responsible in the home & at work. It’s actually a strength because it’s so routine. For the rest of the problems with managing the rapidly multiplying tasks of modern parenthood … well unfortunately that appears to be an overall problem with men, not a DSM diagnosis!

[Anonymous]

Depends if they have autism only or autism and ADHD. The latter is actually common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends if they have autism only or autism and ADHD. The latter is actually common.

ADHD is probably more disruptive to family life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just reading this in the Relationship threads.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1110436.page

the OP in that thread appears to be sincere. But then there are some usual suspects who claim that their husbands are “extremely charming” “very successful” and yet autistic (diagnosed by the wife of course). These women are using “autistic”
as an insult to describe their jerk spouses.

Mine was diagnosed when our second child was 1. We were both expecting adhd and a stimulus rx. Lo and behold now we know all about hfa; he’s still very difficult to live with and has a poor relationship with me, the kids, his parents - also likely on the spectrum, and his colleagues. Poor communication, poor executive functioning skills, lack of understanding things, will not offer emotional support or conversation, totally does his one thing- which is work, eat, tv, sleep, can’t see needs of others or things- must be directed on what to do or worse will literally do nothing. Not fix the fire, console the kidC take out the garbage, plan the trip, etc.

How was dating? It had to be the same right?

Dating in grad school and working whilst living in a 1BR apartment is the same thing as managing a house, yard, two kids, two working parents, kids sports & ECs, 4 people’s appointments & health, the nanny, the social lives, the accidents that pop up, two sets of grandparents/extended families, long term planning of camps/ activities/vacations/school needs?

No, it’s not the same. For anyone. But it be functional adult can cover things pretty well solo, probably with one child as well and limited extracurriculars. A simple life. But add all of the above and the desire for a full life and watch out.

But if one side of the parent couple can’t figure out what to do with any of the above, you’re at a deficit.
And if that one side of the parent team is negative deadweight - ie messing up a ton, ignoring or neglecting obligations, stonewalling and focused inward - then you’re at a significant deficit.

But that doesn’t have much to do with the autism diagnosis … maybe more like ADHD. The two Boomer men I strongly suspect of being on the spectrum (based on their personalities plus kids/grandkids dx’d) are very responsible in the home & at work. It’s actually a strength because it’s so routine. For the rest of the problems with managing the rapidly multiplying tasks of modern parenthood … well unfortunately that appears to be an overall problem with men, not a DSM diagnosis!

Sorry, what’s routine about raising kids? They eat 3 meals and need to go to bed?
I’d counter that a vast majority of raising kids is not routine. They grow and change and have different needs and levels all the time from age 0 to 18.
Picking good sports or activities for their strengths, assessing how they’re doing at school, figured out a sickness or injury, finding and applying to good fit colleges, helping them friend group and dating issues is not at all routine.

Kids aren’t dogs where you put the bowl out at 7am and disappear until a silent walk. There’s only so much that can be brainlessly arranged and most hire a nanny for that stuff.