One leftover embryo and feeling sad about saying goodbye to it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aren’t there many families who would love a donated embryo?

Please reconsider, OP.

Eh, I don't agree with this. Knowing that I had a biological child out there, that was a full sibling to my children, would be something very hard for me. With 23andMe type kits everywhere, this would never remain a secret. I just...can't do that.

I realize gamete and embryo donation helps other people conceive. But it's certainly not a "oh just do it!" type of thing.

But you could destroy it, simply because something would be "very hard" for you. Your moral compass is... interesting.

DP. Your attitude is very troubling. Decisions regarding embryos are entirely private. Nobody needs to justify their own decision. You coming in there to preach about morality is out of line. Are you anti-choice?

Also DP. People like you are hilarious, you preach choice but don’t want anyone with different opinions or choices to voice their perspective. The ethics around disposing embryos is questionable, at absolute best, and it’s worthy of a conversation. You freaking fascist.

Do you know what pro choice even means? You decide about you, and OP decides about OP. You should do whatever works for you with your embryos. That is entirely your business.

Giving your opinion about what you would choose does not required that you berate and scold another.

[Anonymous]

I was just in your shoes. We tried the transfer and it didn't work.
We would have had to move houses. It wasn't the best scenario. But I wanted to see if it turned into a baby. And if it would, I wanted that baby. Didn't want to donate. If I had several left then of course I'd have to switch my thinking. But with just 1 I wanted to try. Glad I tried. Now I can move on not wondering what could have been.

[Anonymous]

NP. Are there any LGBT friendly pro-choice embryo donation agencies? I would consider embryo donation but all the big agencies that come up on Google are homophobic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. Are there any LGBT friendly pro-choice embryo donation agencies? I would consider embryo donation but all the big agencies that come up on Google are homophobic.

OP here, I’m not sure but that is an excellent question!

[Anonymous]

We were in your shoes. Have an amazing 4yo and two embryos in storage. We paid the storage fees for four years and decided to dispose of them this year when the fee is owed again. We knew from the very start we were happy with the one but it took a few years of just paying for storage even though we were sure we didn’t want to try for another. You may just feel better paying for a couple years before disposing. And that’s ok too!

[Anonymous]

Ladies, you are finding it hard to let go of those embryos for a reason. You know deep down they are not just genetic material, like hair follicles or toe nails. That is a genetically unique being that can grow to be your (or someone else's should you donate) child. A whole universe onto him or herself. Regardless of your views on abortion, I think it is highly disingenuous to not recognize how miraculous and unique each embryo is. Your hearts are trying to tell you.

As for OP, my advice would be to not make a decision yet. It seems you do desire a third on some level and since this is an IVF embryo, you won't face issues with chromosomal disorders, which is a huge risk at your (our) age. I know having another kid is a huge decision but arguably you've got the biggest risks out of the way. Wait a couple of years to see if you and husband feel differently, if your financial situation changes. Good luck. I am not in this situation but I have friends who are and they grapple with this frequently, so you are not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is tough and I feel you. But logically, there's a decent chance you would not be able to carry this one to term. I had a few miscarriages and "destroying" the embryo is basically the same thing. It has no form yet. It's just a capsule with your genetic material. I also wouldn't donate if I were you.

This is so ridiculous. I guess you don't see the distinction between things happening naturally (like accidents happen) and you doing something to bring about a certain thing happening. People die all the time, so why not just kill him. Things get misplaced all the time so why not just steal it. Stellar logic.

[Anonymous]

This is OP, I really appreciate everyone who has commented. I’m not religious but I don’t think it’s just cells. I take it seriously and am trying to be thoughtful about this.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

Even if your clinic doesn't use embryos for science there may be other ways to donate an embryo for science.
(Not recommending because I found this on quick google search but for example:
https://creatingafamily.org/infertility/labs-and-tissue-banks-that-accept-donated-embryos-for-research/ )

I also have one embryo left and 2 vials of sperm left. I ended up paying for more sperm storage when I was at your stage even though I don't think I would ever use it just because I wasn't ready to let go. I have made a decision that in the event I can't carry my embryo then I would donate it to someone who can. I belong to SMC groups and probably would end up donating to another SMC if I can't figure out how make having a second child work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is tough and I feel you. But logically, there's a decent chance you would not be able to carry this one to term. I had a few miscarriages and "destroying" the embryo is basically the same thing. It has no form yet. It's just a capsule with your genetic material. I also wouldn't donate if I were you.

This is so ridiculous. I guess you don't see the distinction between things happening naturally (like accidents happen) and you doing something to bring about a certain thing happening. People die all the time, so why not just kill him. Things get misplaced all the time so why not just steal it. Stellar logic.

Can you freeze a human for 50 years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After dealing with infertility, we were fortunate to have two wonderful girls. They are almost 3 years, and 4 months old. Our family feels complete, I'm 40 and my husband is definitely not interested in another.

But we have one embryo left, a boy, and it's time to pay the storage fee again or fill out the form to donate or dispose of the embryo. I'm having a hard time closing the door on what could be, on giving this embryo a "chance". But it is the right choice to stop at two, for the reasons above, plus we would have to move with three kids and I love our little home.

I think I'm having a harder time because our clinic used to offer an option to donate the embryos to scientific research. I would have felt like it was going to a worthy cause at least. Now they don't have that option; it's dispose or donate (to another known couple or anonymously), and I don't want to donate - I just couldn't deal with all the emotions involved there.

Can anyone relate or share your experience? Thanks for listening.

Why don’t you just try it? Do you not want another child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is tough and I feel you. But logically, there's a decent chance you would not be able to carry this one to term. I had a few miscarriages and "destroying" the embryo is basically the same thing. It has no form yet. It's just a capsule with your genetic material. I also wouldn't donate if I were you.

This is so ridiculous. I guess you don't see the distinction between things happening naturally (like accidents happen) and you doing something to bring about a certain thing happening. People die all the time, so why not just kill him. Things get misplaced all the time so why not just steal it. Stellar logic.

Can you freeze a human for 50 years?

Yes, apparently you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After dealing with infertility, we were fortunate to have two wonderful girls. They are almost 3 years, and 4 months old. Our family feels complete, I'm 40 and my husband is definitely not interested in another.

But we have one embryo left, a boy, and it's time to pay the storage fee again or fill out the form to donate or dispose of the embryo. I'm having a hard time closing the door on what could be, on giving this embryo a "chance". But it is the right choice to stop at two, for the reasons above, plus we would have to move with three kids and I love our little home.

I think I'm having a harder time because our clinic used to offer an option to donate the embryos to scientific research. I would have felt like it was going to a worthy cause at least. Now they don't have that option; it's dispose or donate (to another known couple or anonymously), and I don't want to donate - I just couldn't deal with all the emotions involved there.

Can anyone relate or share your experience? Thanks for listening.

Why don’t you just try it? Do you not want another child?

OP here, fair question! I bolded the "why" in my post for clarity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. Are there any LGBT friendly pro-choice embryo donation agencies? I would consider embryo donation but all the big agencies that come up on Google are homophobic.

NP This is thoughtful and amazing.

[Anonymous]

OP, these are very normal feelings, they also aren’t decisions that need to be made today. Eventually I saw our embryos the same way I saw our positive pregnancy tests that ended in miscarriages. Each was the potential for something for a window of time, but it ultimately wasn’t meant to be. You can recognize and appreciate that potential for what it COULD mean for your life, while still recognizing that not all possibilities can or should happen. We spend so much time and emotional energy creating these embryos. It makes sense that our heart is bound to consider them in a certain way. And nothing wrong with making some decisions with your heart vs/ head, as long as it’s a reasonable choice under the circumstances. Give it time and see how you feel in a year or more.