One leftover embryo and feeling sad about saying goodbye to it

[Anonymous]

Slightly different situation, but I declined to get my tubes removed during my C section for baby no. 3 because despite knowing I'm done, I wasn't ready to irrevocably end my ability to naturally conceive. It's just so final (and I realize it's not actually, because I could do IVF after having my tubes removed, but you know what I mean). Baby 3 is almost 3 now, and I still do not intend to have more kids but also still do not intend to have my tubes tied or removed. How financially burdensome is it for you to keep the embryo? If it doesn't affect your financial situation significantly, I don't see why you would destroy it until you feel 100% comfortable doing so.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I had the thought that it would be easier as a decision if we had like eight leftover embryos, because there’s just no way we could ever have them. One leftover feels especially hard. I think I’m going to pay the storage fee and kick the can down the road until I’m at least sleeping through the night again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is tough and I feel you. But logically, there's a decent chance you would not be able to carry this one to term. I had a few miscarriages and "destroying" the embryo is basically the same thing. It has no form yet. It's just a capsule with your genetic material. I also wouldn't donate if I were you.

You do realize that your statements are totally contradictory, right? If it's "just a capsule with genetic material" and it's OK to "destroy" because it may end in miscarriage, why the reluctance to donate?

DP. Because genetic material cannot think or feel. It is not aware or sentient. But if OP donates it, it could grow into a baby. Babies are living creatures. And genetically, it would be OP's baby, but she would have no say or awareness of what was happening to it.

Do you know what is actually contradictory? Saying you care about the life of babies but then voting for leaders who make it difficult for parents to feed, house, and educate their babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is tough and I feel you. But logically, there's a decent chance you would not be able to carry this one to term. I had a few miscarriages and "destroying" the embryo is basically the same thing. It has no form yet. It's just a capsule with your genetic material. I also wouldn't donate if I were you.

You do realize that your statements are totally contradictory, right? If it's "just a capsule with genetic material" and it's OK to "destroy" because it may end in miscarriage, why the reluctance to donate?

DP. Because genetic material cannot think or feel. It is not aware or sentient. But if OP donates it, it could grow into a baby. Babies are living creatures. And genetically, it would be OP's baby, but she would have no say or awareness of what was happening to it.

Do you know what is actually contradictory? Saying you care about the life of babies but then voting for leaders who make it difficult for parents to feed, house, and educate their babies.

This is true. Which is why I won’t be voting for the current leadership who has been overseeing this baby formula nightmare. Driving to 7 stores just to find food to feed my baby is criminal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is tough and I feel you. But logically, there's a decent chance you would not be able to carry this one to term. I had a few miscarriages and "destroying" the embryo is basically the same thing. It has no form yet. It's just a capsule with your genetic material. I also wouldn't donate if I were you.

You do realize that your statements are totally contradictory, right? If it's "just a capsule with genetic material" and it's OK to "destroy" because it may end in miscarriage, why the reluctance to donate?

DP. Because genetic material cannot think or feel. It is not aware or sentient. But if OP donates it, it could grow into a baby. Babies are living creatures. And genetically, it would be OP's baby, but she would have no say or awareness of what was happening to it.

Do you know what is actually contradictory? Saying you care about the life of babies but then voting for leaders who make it difficult for parents to feed, house, and educate their babies.

This is true. Which is why I won’t be voting for the current leadership who has been overseeing this baby formula nightmare. Driving to 7 stores just to find food to feed my baby is criminal.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I had the thought that it would be easier as a decision if we had like eight leftover embryos, because there’s just no way we could ever have them. One leftover feels especially hard. I think I’m going to pay the storage fee and kick the can down the road until I’m at least sleeping through the night again.

Especially since it's a boy and you have two girls.

[Anonymous]

Where science fiction meets emotion? You have an artificially created embryo that you are emotionally attached to. Without any cognitive dissonance? Do you also feel bad for the headache when you take a tylenol?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where science fiction meets emotion? You have an artificially created embryo that you are emotionally attached to. Without any cognitive dissonance? Do you also feel bad for the headache when you take a tylenol?

Aaand the science denier strikes again! Read a biology book sweetheart. You can start at grade 1.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you, OP, and I'm sorry. I think kicking the can down the road a while is a good choice.

[Anonymous]

Do they still allow compassionate transfers (unmedicated transfer when the pregnancy is unlikely to be successful)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do they still allow compassionate transfers (unmedicated transfer when the pregnancy is unlikely to be successful)?

OP here, I am not sure - it’s not an option on the form. I’ll inquire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do they still allow compassionate transfers (unmedicated transfer when the pregnancy is unlikely to be successful)?

Ooooh, that's a great idea.

Is there really *no* way to donate the embryo these days for medical research? Such a shame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I had the thought that it would be easier as a decision if we had like eight leftover embryos, because there’s just no way we could ever have them. One leftover feels especially hard. I think I’m going to pay the storage fee and kick the can down the road until I’m at least sleeping through the night again.

Especially since it's a boy and you have two girls.

OP again, and somehow I think if it were a girl it would be even harder, only because I would associate the embryo so strongly with my living children. Not that it’s easy this way!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Similar. We had two boys and one embie left in our 40s. We thought about having a third, but I'm glad we didn't. Right now our resources are just enough to ensure a comfortable retirement for us and a good upbringing for the boys. Another child would have threatened either retirement or the resources we have for the boys.

Think ahead 20 years and ask yourself if you have what it takes to put three kids through college AND retire in a way that doesn't make you a burden on those kids. If you do, then consider a third. If you don't, please know that "we'll make it happen" is not a financial plan that works at 60. It's fine for someone who is 20 or 30. But after 40, the financials change drastically.

The years between 40 and 60 (and 0 and 20) go fast!

Oh man - for me it was a totally different set of questions. How
many kids did I want coming to visit me in my old age? That helped
me get over the fear of a baby stage. It is so short. Had our last when I was mid 40s.

We just got a bill too. I am 48 though and know it is over for us. We will dispose of the last embryo - it is so hard!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aren’t there many families who would love a donated embryo?

Please reconsider, OP.

Eh, I don't agree with this. Knowing that I had a biological child out there, that was a full sibling to my children, would be something very hard for me. With 23andMe type kits everywhere, this would never remain a secret. I just...can't do that.

I realize gamete and embryo donation helps other people conceive. But it's certainly not a "oh just do it!" type of thing.

But you could destroy it, simply because something would be "very hard" for you. Your moral compass is... interesting.

The fact that you think a woman should forced to carry a pregnancy and go through childbirth, which comes with risks at OPs age, just to avoid thawing cells that have divided for 3-5 days, is also disturbing. OP is the mother of 2 living children and she should make the appropriate choice for her physical and mental health as well as the health of her marriage so that she can be the parent she wants to be to those children. If she doesn’t want to donate her DNA to a stranger, that’s her choice.

Instead of worrying about cells that you can’t see with the naked eye, please go volunteer with poor kids or advocate for better maternity leave and social safety net programs for families in poverty.

+1. I detest these religious busy bodies who like to stick their noses into other people’s business. My genetic material, my choice.
As if 8 billion people on this planet is not enough that you need to decide what I do with my potential offspring!