One leftover embryo and feeling sad about saying goodbye to it

[Anonymous]

I’d keep paying for now and push the decision off a few months, when your baby is older and sleep/hormones/life have returned to normal. I would avoid making an significant, irreversible decision like this while only 4 months postpartum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aren’t there many families who would love a donated embryo?

Please reconsider, OP.

Eh, I don't agree with this. Knowing that I had a biological child out there, that was a full sibling to my children, would be something very hard for me. With 23andMe type kits everywhere, this would never remain a secret. I just...can't do that.

I realize gamete and embryo donation helps other people conceive. But it's certainly not a "oh just do it!" type of thing.

But you could destroy it, simply because something would be "very hard" for you. Your moral compass is... interesting.

DP. Your attitude is very troubling. Decisions regarding embryos are entirely private. Nobody needs to justify their own decision. You coming in there to preach about morality is out of line. Are you anti-choice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aren’t there many families who would love a donated embryo?

Please reconsider, OP.

Eh, I don't agree with this. Knowing that I had a biological child out there, that was a full sibling to my children, would be something very hard for me. With 23andMe type kits everywhere, this would never remain a secret. I just...can't do that.

I realize gamete and embryo donation helps other people conceive. But it's certainly not a "oh just do it!" type of thing.

But you could destroy it, simply because something would be "very hard" for you. Your moral compass is... interesting.

DP. Your attitude is very troubling. Decisions regarding embryos are entirely private. Nobody needs to justify their own decision. You coming in there to preach about morality is out of line. Are you anti-choice?

No, I am pro-life. It is you who is obviously the anti. And if you feel that OP's decision is so private, then why are you hear offering your esteemed opinion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aren’t there many families who would love a donated embryo?

Please reconsider, OP.

Eh, I don't agree with this. Knowing that I had a biological child out there, that was a full sibling to my children, would be something very hard for me. With 23andMe type kits everywhere, this would never remain a secret. I just...can't do that.

I realize gamete and embryo donation helps other people conceive. But it's certainly not a "oh just do it!" type of thing.

But you could destroy it, simply because something would be "very hard" for you. Your moral compass is... interesting.

DP. Your attitude is very troubling. Decisions regarding embryos are entirely private. Nobody needs to justify their own decision. You coming in there to preach about morality is out of line. Are you anti-choice?

No, I am pro-life. It is you who is obviously the anti. And if you feel that OP's decision is so private, then why are you hear offering your esteemed opinion?

Just as I thought. You're an anti-choice bully.

[Anonymous]

Keep it. What if one or both of your kids gets killed or dies? Maybe a family member will want it etc

[Anonymous]

OP here, thank you everyone for your replies. It is good to hear from other women who faced this decision.

Maybe I will pay it and put it off for now. It is really hard, honestly, to imagine we will be in a position to have a third child. We are actual middle class, not just by DCUM standards, on top of the other issues of husband not being on board, and my age. But PPs made a good point about being 4 months postpartum and this not being a good time for big decisions.

I think the hardest part is that I love the idea of having three grown kids, but having three little kids sounds just daunting. Managing my two takes a lot.

My DH just had a vasectomy consultation earlier this week, as our infertility was "unexplained" and we really do feel logically that we are done with kids.

If only the emotional piece were so logical. This is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aren’t there many families who would love a donated embryo?

Please reconsider, OP.

Eh, I don't agree with this. Knowing that I had a biological child out there, that was a full sibling to my children, would be something very hard for me. With 23andMe type kits everywhere, this would never remain a secret. I just...can't do that.

I realize gamete and embryo donation helps other people conceive. But it's certainly not a "oh just do it!" type of thing.

But you could destroy it, simply because something would be "very hard" for you. Your moral compass is... interesting.

DP. Your attitude is very troubling. Decisions regarding embryos are entirely private. Nobody needs to justify their own decision. You coming in there to preach about morality is out of line. Are you anti-choice?

The PP never said anything about destroying the embryo, just that they wouldn’t want to donate it.

[Anonymous]

When my first from IVF was a baby, I thought about our embryos often. When my 2nd turned one, I was ready and it felt good to move on.

If your youngest is under a year, I suggest waiting. You are still in the postpartum period and even if it’s the right decision, you need to feel that in your heart. Wait until next year and hopefully you will feel more closure then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aren’t there many families who would love a donated embryo?

Please reconsider, OP.

Not not really, but donating to research is a possibility. I looked into it a few years ago and we had our remaining embryos destroyed.

My children are not old enough to consent to having full biological siblings. The law is not settled enough in my mind to take on the risk of future lawsuits or obligations - and that was prior to overturning Roe. I am so glad I didn’t donate now that the legal future is even more uncertain.

We had 7 embryos and no organization could promise me that they would all go to a single family who wanted multiple children. I was willing to reconsider my concerns with the organizations and future legal risk if I thought we could give a family the gift of several children who would be full siblings both legally and biologically.

The organizations I found (not fertility clinics) that work in the embryo donation space all had religious and pro-choice beliefs I found abhorrent. I didn’t want to support them or have my biological children raised by people who shared those beliefs. Shady Grove pushed me to donate when I asked to defrost/destroy them and I was not interested in further enriching a for-profit company AND have my embryos used with multiple families in the DMV area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aren’t there many families who would love a donated embryo?

Please reconsider, OP.

Eh, I don't agree with this. Knowing that I had a biological child out there, that was a full sibling to my children, would be something very hard for me. With 23andMe type kits everywhere, this would never remain a secret. I just...can't do that.

I realize gamete and embryo donation helps other people conceive. But it's certainly not a "oh just do it!" type of thing.

But you could destroy it, simply because something would be "very hard" for you. Your moral compass is... interesting.

The fact that you think a woman should forced to carry a pregnancy and go through childbirth, which comes with risks at OPs age, just to avoid thawing cells that have divided for 3-5 days, is also disturbing. OP is the mother of 2 living children and she should make the appropriate choice for her physical and mental health as well as the health of her marriage so that she can be the parent she wants to be to those children. If she doesn’t want to donate her DNA to a stranger, that’s her choice.

Instead of worrying about cells that you can’t see with the naked eye, please go volunteer with poor kids or advocate for better maternity leave and social safety net programs for families in poverty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aren’t there many families who would love a donated embryo?

Please reconsider, OP.

Eh, I don't agree with this. Knowing that I had a biological child out there, that was a full sibling to my children, would be something very hard for me. With 23andMe type kits everywhere, this would never remain a secret. I just...can't do that.

I realize gamete and embryo donation helps other people conceive. But it's certainly not a "oh just do it!" type of thing.

But you could destroy it, simply because something would be "very hard" for you. Your moral compass is... interesting.

The fact that you think a woman should forced to carry a pregnancy and go through childbirth, which comes with risks at OPs age, just to avoid thawing cells that have divided for 3-5 days, is also disturbing. OP is the mother of 2 living children and she should make the appropriate choice for her physical and mental health as well as the health of her marriage so that she can be the parent she wants to be to those children. If she doesn’t want to donate her DNA to a stranger, that’s her choice.

Instead of worrying about cells that you can’t see with the naked eye, please go volunteer with poor kids or advocate for better maternity leave and social safety net programs for families in poverty.

The PP never said they would destroy the embryo. They also never said they would force someone else too. They specifically said “I” just can’t. Everyone else is assuming what PP would do instead. I imagined they would use the embryo themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aren’t there many families who would love a donated embryo?

Please reconsider, OP.

Eh, I don't agree with this. Knowing that I had a biological child out there, that was a full sibling to my children, would be something very hard for me. With 23andMe type kits everywhere, this would never remain a secret. I just...can't do that.

I realize gamete and embryo donation helps other people conceive. But it's certainly not a "oh just do it!" type of thing.

But you could destroy it, simply because something would be "very hard" for you. Your moral compass is... interesting.

DP. Your attitude is very troubling. Decisions regarding embryos are entirely private. Nobody needs to justify their own decision. You coming in there to preach about morality is out of line. Are you anti-choice?

Also DP. People like you are hilarious, you preach choice but don’t want anyone with different opinions or choices to voice their perspective. The ethics around disposing embryos is questionable, at absolute best, and it’s worthy of a conversation. You freaking fascist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is tough and I feel you. But logically, there's a decent chance you would not be able to carry this one to term. I had a few miscarriages and "destroying" the embryo is basically the same thing. It has no form yet. It's just a capsule with your genetic material. I also wouldn't donate if I were you.

You do realize that your statements are totally contradictory, right? If it's "just a capsule with genetic material" and it's OK to "destroy" because it may end in miscarriage, why the reluctance to donate?

Not the poster you are responding to but l personally don’t want my genetic information used to build anything without my involvement ? I much rather have the capsule with it be destroyed. I think it makes sense.

[Anonymous]

I feel you. We have on toddler now and unfortunately 2 embryos. For mostly health reasons we have decided not to have any other children but I can’t seem to let go of the embryos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aren’t there many families who would love a donated embryo?

Please reconsider, OP.

Eh, I don't agree with this. Knowing that I had a biological child out there, that was a full sibling to my children, would be something very hard for me. With 23andMe type kits everywhere, this would never remain a secret. I just...can't do that.

I realize gamete and embryo donation helps other people conceive. But it's certainly not a "oh just do it!" type of thing.

But you could destroy it, simply because something would be "very hard" for you. Your moral compass is... interesting.

I’m not the OP but I would feel the same way and I don’t care if you approve of it or not. I think women turn embryos into children by gestating and birthing them. I don’t see destroying an embryo the way you do, but if I or another person makes that embryo a baby through gestation, I would consider myself that child’s parent in a way that would preclude adoption. I don’t care if you find it “interesting.” I arrived at my moral code with my head and my heart in good faith, just like you. This is a thorny issue. We feel differently about it.