One leftover embryo and feeling sad about saying goodbye to it

[Anonymous]

After dealing with infertility, we were fortunate to have two wonderful girls. They are almost 3 years, and 4 months old. Our family feels complete, I'm 40 and my husband is definitely not interested in another.

But we have one embryo left, a boy, and it's time to pay the storage fee again or fill out the form to donate or dispose of the embryo. I'm having a hard time closing the door on what could be, on giving this embryo a "chance". But it is the right choice to stop at two, for the reasons above, plus we would have to move with three kids and I love our little home.

I think I'm having a harder time because our clinic used to offer an option to donate the embryos to scientific research. I would have felt like it was going to a worthy cause at least. Now they don't have that option; it's dispose or donate (to another known couple or anonymously), and I don't want to donate - I just couldn't deal with all the emotions involved there.

Can anyone relate or share your experience? Thanks for listening.

[Anonymous]

45 with one daughter and one boy embryo left.

Having a second isn’t an option for us right now and won’t be the longer we wait either.

But I still haven’t been able to let it go.

[Anonymous]

I would keep paying the storage fee. Who knows maybe one of your kids will want to use it one day.

[Anonymous]

Totally relate. We have one left too, and have been paying ever increasing storage fees for 8 years. After the last fee increase, I was ready to do something to end it. But DH is not on board. It's not that he wants another child--he's just not comfortable with any of the options. I believe my clinic has a threshold where when the mom reaches age 50 they force you to make a decision. So that's probably what will happen to us. Until then, it's just kicking the can down the road and pay.

[Anonymous]

Aren’t there many families who would love a donated embryo?

Please reconsider, OP.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I felt the same way with my embryos. We just went for it-I'm nursing my last embryo right now. She's 7 weeks old and I'm so happy we had her. Life might be harder, yes, but we couldn't imagine not having her as part of the family. We will make it work.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is tough and I feel you. But logically, there's a decent chance you would not be able to carry this one to term. I had a few miscarriages and "destroying" the embryo is basically the same thing. It has no form yet. It's just a capsule with your genetic material. I also wouldn't donate if I were you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Totally relate. We have one left too, and have been paying ever increasing storage fees for 8 years. After the last fee increase, I was ready to do something to end it. But DH is not on board. It's not that he wants another child--he's just not comfortable with any of the options. I believe my clinic has a threshold where when the mom reaches age 50 they force you to make a decision. So that's probably what will happen to us. Until then, it's just kicking the can down the road and pay.

This is us too. Also have two kids and one embryo left. SGF raised the fees. Pretty sure we are done but it's DH who isn't willing to make it final.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is tough and I feel you. But logically, there's a decent chance you would not be able to carry this one to term. I had a few miscarriages and "destroying" the embryo is basically the same thing. It has no form yet. It's just a capsule with your genetic material. I also wouldn't donate if I were you.

You do realize that your statements are totally contradictory, right? If it's "just a capsule with genetic material" and it's OK to "destroy" because it may end in miscarriage, why the reluctance to donate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I felt the same way with my embryos. We just went for it-I'm nursing my last embryo right now. She's 7 weeks old and I'm so happy we had her. Life might be harder, yes, but we couldn't imagine not having her as part of the family. We will make it work.

+1. This, OP. You know why you're having a hard time with this.

[Anonymous]

Pay the storage fee! It’s too early to decide you’re done. Decide when your girls are a few years older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aren’t there many families who would love a donated embryo?

Please reconsider, OP.

Eh, I don't agree with this. Knowing that I had a biological child out there, that was a full sibling to my children, would be something very hard for me. With 23andMe type kits everywhere, this would never remain a secret. I just...can't do that.

I realize gamete and embryo donation helps other people conceive. But it's certainly not a "oh just do it!" type of thing.

[Anonymous]

Similar. We had two boys and one embie left in our 40s. We thought about having a third, but I'm glad we didn't. Right now our resources are just enough to ensure a comfortable retirement for us and a good upbringing for the boys. Another child would have threatened either retirement or the resources we have for the boys.

Think ahead 20 years and ask yourself if you have what it takes to put three kids through college AND retire in a way that doesn't make you a burden on those kids. If you do, then consider a third. If you don't, please know that "we'll make it happen" is not a financial plan that works at 60. It's fine for someone who is 20 or 30. But after 40, the financials change drastically.

The years between 40 and 60 (and 0 and 20) go fast!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aren’t there many families who would love a donated embryo?

Please reconsider, OP.

Eh, I don't agree with this. Knowing that I had a biological child out there, that was a full sibling to my children, would be something very hard for me. With 23andMe type kits everywhere, this would never remain a secret. I just...can't do that.

I realize gamete and embryo donation helps other people conceive. But it's certainly not a "oh just do it!" type of thing.

But you could destroy it, simply because something would be "very hard" for you. Your moral compass is... interesting.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a similar position but we have 2 mosaic embryos. As of 2021, SGF wasn't transferring mosaics, but my RE said that they were strongly reconsidering that stance. But they don't discard them either, so we're paying the storage fees even though I'm not sure if they've changed their policy. And even if they do, I'm not sure if I want to undergo transfer(s) with mosaic embryos, with the lower odds of a healthy live birth that that entails. Honestly, at this point I think I'd prefer to be one-and-done regardless, but my son is only 7 months so it's possible that I could feel differently later. But on the other hand I just turned 41.