Two working parents and comparable jobs struggling to negotiate whose job gets priority

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We balance based on who is more under water.

That sounds miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don't do it by whose job is more important or gets priority. We look at who has how much sick or annual leave left, who has the calendar full of external meetings v. who has a bit more flexibility that day, who has a big deadline next week v. who's got a bit more time. There is no default to one or the other of us. Some days we even split the day; he works from home/takes time off in the AM and I work from home/takes time off in the PM.

+1. Same here

[Anonymous]

I make more money than DH, and have a more demanding job, but at the end of the day it has to be the mom who does most school related and child related things.

Sure maybe DH can stay home when they are sick (how often is that really, we had like maybe 5 days a year?).

But for school volunteering, or playdates, or whatever when DH showed up, he was treated as the odd DH. First time, it was all cheers (what a great dad), but by the second time they were wondering where I was. In general parenting events are the moms, and dads are mostly not welcome. Coordinating for playdates and camps? Moms want to be texting and talking to moms, and carpooling with moms generally,

We hate it, but see how the family we know where the DH is default is ostracized -- we accept our lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make more money than DH, and have a more demanding job, but at the end of the day it has to be the mom who does most school related and child related things.

Sure maybe DH can stay home when they are sick (how often is that really, we had like maybe 5 days a year?).

But for school volunteering, or playdates, or whatever when DH showed up, he was treated as the odd DH. First time, it was all cheers (what a great dad), but by the second time they were wondering where I was. In general parenting events are the moms, and dads are mostly not welcome. Coordinating for playdates and camps? Moms want to be texting and talking to moms, and carpooling with moms generally,

We hate it, but see how the family we know where the DH is default is ostracized -- we accept our lot.

This is nuts to me. I make a lot more money and have more hours. My hsuband does all kinds of stuff and isn’t ostracized. I just arranged a play date this past weekend. I texted 4 dads and 1 mom to reach 5 kids. I cannot imagine a world where default dad creates some major problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make more money than DH, and have a more demanding job, but at the end of the day it has to be the mom who does most school related and child related things.

Sure maybe DH can stay home when they are sick (how often is that really, we had like maybe 5 days a year?).

But for school volunteering, or playdates, or whatever when DH showed up, he was treated as the odd DH. First time, it was all cheers (what a great dad), but by the second time they were wondering where I was. In general parenting events are the moms, and dads are mostly not welcome. Coordinating for playdates and camps? Moms want to be texting and talking to moms, and carpooling with moms generally,

We hate it, but see how the family we know where the DH is default is ostracized -- we accept our lot.

Where do you live? This is not my experience. DD’s BFF’s dad is the primary for play dates, camp sign ups. Other dads also send out play date invites, birthday invites. They are room parents, chaperones etc. no doubt, it is more common that it’s the mom, but no one is batting an eye when dad is the point of contact or is the one who shows up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make more money than DH, and have a more demanding job, but at the end of the day it has to be the mom who does most school related and child related things.

Sure maybe DH can stay home when they are sick (how often is that really, we had like maybe 5 days a year?).

But for school volunteering, or playdates, or whatever when DH showed up, he was treated as the odd DH. First time, it was all cheers (what a great dad), but by the second time they were wondering where I was. In general parenting events are the moms, and dads are mostly not welcome. Coordinating for playdates and camps? Moms want to be texting and talking to moms, and carpooling with moms generally,

We hate it, but see how the family we know where the DH is default is ostracized -- we accept our lot.

This is not true where I live.

But, anyways, it's not the topic of this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband really expect you to cover all this? Or is he really saying “you are being over the top, let the nanny handle this.”

If he expects you to cover, he is a jerk. If he thinks the nanny should handle 95% of this, I agree with him.

This.

If the nanny is there and available but you CHOOSE to be with the kids instead, then I can see him saying that it is your responsibility to cover that time and it's not fair to ask him.

Especially since she says the kids want mom. Not one of us but mom. What good would he be staying home if the kids only want mom. Nanny is already there so it isn't for childcare.

[Anonymous]

You need a nanny

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make more money than DH, and have a more demanding job, but at the end of the day it has to be the mom who does most school related and child related things.

Sure maybe DH can stay home when they are sick (how often is that really, we had like maybe 5 days a year?).

But for school volunteering, or playdates, or whatever when DH showed up, he was treated as the odd DH. First time, it was all cheers (what a great dad), but by the second time they were wondering where I was. In general parenting events are the moms, and dads are mostly not welcome. Coordinating for playdates and camps? Moms want to be texting and talking to moms, and carpooling with moms generally,

We hate it, but see how the family we know where the DH is default is ostracized -- we accept our lot.

Where do you live? This is not my experience. DD’s BFF’s dad is the primary for play dates, camp sign ups. Other dads also send out play date invites, birthday invites. They are room parents, chaperones etc. no doubt, it is more common that it’s the mom, but no one is batting an eye when dad is the point of contact or is the one who shows up.

I agree it depends. Not our situation but my brother and his wife both work and he does 95% of everything child related and is the default and primary parent. Other than that he sometimes gets comments from other moms about where is there mom or the school tries to call his wife, few people bat an eye. I picked up his kids recently from school and more than 50% of the parents waiting were dads. Same thing at our local park - a lot of dads there with their kids and dads often out on the street playing or biking or walking the dog or doing yard work with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need a nanny

They have a full time nanny!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make more money than DH, and have a more demanding job, but at the end of the day it has to be the mom who does most school related and child related things.

Sure maybe DH can stay home when they are sick (how often is that really, we had like maybe 5 days a year?).

But for school volunteering, or playdates, or whatever when DH showed up, he was treated as the odd DH. First time, it was all cheers (what a great dad), but by the second time they were wondering where I was. In general parenting events are the moms, and dads are mostly not welcome. Coordinating for playdates and camps? Moms want to be texting and talking to moms, and carpooling with moms generally,

We hate it, but see how the family we know where the DH is default is ostracized -- we accept our lot.

What a bizarre concept. Where do you live? The 1970's?

I am the dad and I do probably 90% of kid related things. My wife has a degenerative eye disorder and has very limited driving options which will probably go away in the next few years if her vision continues to degenerate.

My twins are in 5th grade and I usually am the default parent for anything outside the house and she is the default parent for things at home. And we've never had a problem. I go to playdates, I go to the playground, I take them to school every morning and meet them after school. Other than when they were infants and my wife was in a Mom's multiples group based around same age birth groups, I have usually been the default parent for meetups and playdates, etc. I have only infrequently been an "outsider" at playdates and such. I go to the playground and have plenty of Moms talk to me and socialize. I'm sometimes the outsider when the Moms are already friends, but not often. Most of the Moms I meet at casual events, are at least polite and courteous if not friendly. And I'm usually the one on the text chains. Sometimes my wife is included, but most families learned pretty quickly that I'm the one to contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make more money than DH, and have a more demanding job, but at the end of the day it has to be the mom who does most school related and child related things.

Sure maybe DH can stay home when they are sick (how often is that really, we had like maybe 5 days a year?).

But for school volunteering, or playdates, or whatever when DH showed up, he was treated as the odd DH. First time, it was all cheers (what a great dad), but by the second time they were wondering where I was. In general parenting events are the moms, and dads are mostly not welcome. Coordinating for playdates and camps? Moms want to be texting and talking to moms, and carpooling with moms generally,

We hate it, but see how the family we know where the DH is default is ostracized -- we accept our lot.

This is nuts to me. I make a lot more money and have more hours. My hsuband does all kinds of stuff and isn’t ostracized. I just arranged a play date this past weekend. I texted 4 dads and 1 mom to reach 5 kids. I cannot imagine a world where default dad creates some major problem.

Haha, you arranged the playdate, ie the MOM.
But it happens mostly where there are a large population of SAHMs. if you live in the exurbs I thinks its more egalitarian, from the sounds of it. I'm just speaking from my experience. There are plenty of highly educated DW around here, but none of them have a SAHD for example

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make more money than DH, and have a more demanding job, but at the end of the day it has to be the mom who does most school related and child related things.

Sure maybe DH can stay home when they are sick (how often is that really, we had like maybe 5 days a year?).

But for school volunteering, or playdates, or whatever when DH showed up, he was treated as the odd DH. First time, it was all cheers (what a great dad), but by the second time they were wondering where I was. In general parenting events are the moms, and dads are mostly not welcome. Coordinating for playdates and camps? Moms want to be texting and talking to moms, and carpooling with moms generally,

We hate it, but see how the family we know where the DH is default is ostracized -- we accept our lot.

This is nuts to me. I make a lot more money and have more hours. My hsuband does all kinds of stuff and isn’t ostracized. I just arranged a play date this past weekend. I texted 4 dads and 1 mom to reach 5 kids. I cannot imagine a world where default dad creates some major problem.

My husband and I make similar amounts 45/55 ratio but we are both introverts and work a lot, so we tag team. Where I live there are plenty of dads at birthday parties and events, and my husband is not ostracized. My husband also helps coordinate playdates. He actually coordinates most of the playdates that our nanny does not coordinate.

Regarding OP's post - OP, I can relate. We have a nanny, but I WFH and my husband WOH and I tend to do more of the bringing the kids to doctor's appointments and scheduling appointments. I also prep dinner before our nanny leaves (during my workday) every day and eat dinner with the kids and then do bedtime stuff. Sometimes I'm on calls for 15-45 minutes after our nanny leaves and it's so frustrating to be off video and changing things of the Disney channel frantically while on mute before running out of the room to speak. I also do the morning routine before our nanny arrives and have been driving my older daughter to school recently because she's having a rough time and it's my way of trying to make things just a teensy bit better. I definitely feel resentful at times because my husband's job has more optics than mine which means I am the default parent even though we make about the same and I have been advancing faster in the past five years. It's such a hard time, but it's not forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make more money than DH, and have a more demanding job, but at the end of the day it has to be the mom who does most school related and child related things.

Sure maybe DH can stay home when they are sick (how often is that really, we had like maybe 5 days a year?).

But for school volunteering, or playdates, or whatever when DH showed up, he was treated as the odd DH. First time, it was all cheers (what a great dad), but by the second time they were wondering where I was. In general parenting events are the moms, and dads are mostly not welcome. Coordinating for playdates and camps? Moms want to be texting and talking to moms, and carpooling with moms generally,

We hate it, but see how the family we know where the DH is default is ostracized -- we accept our lot.

What a bizarre concept. Where do you live? The 1970's?

I am the dad and I do probably 90% of kid related things. My wife has a degenerative eye disorder and has very limited driving options which will probably go away in the next few years if her vision continues to degenerate.

My twins are in 5th grade and I usually am the default parent for anything outside the house and she is the default parent for things at home. And we've never had a problem. I go to playdates, I go to the playground, I take them to school every morning and meet them after school. Other than when they were infants and my wife was in a Mom's multiples group based around same age birth groups, I have usually been the default parent for meetups and playdates, etc. I have only infrequently been an "outsider" at playdates and such. I go to the playground and have plenty of Moms talk to me and socialize. I'm sometimes the outsider when the Moms are already friends, but not often. Most of the Moms I meet at casual events, are at least polite and courteous if not friendly. And I'm usually the one on the text chains. Sometimes my wife is included, but most families learned pretty quickly that I'm the one to contact.

You must be related to my husband! I loved the part about "I'm usually the one on the text chains...but most families learned pretty quickly that I'm the one to contact." That's exactly how it is with us.

[Anonymous]

You and your husband should read Fairplay and do the cards--
https://www.amazon.com/s?k=fairplay+book+and+cards&crid=TJ1H1UXS0JRQ&sprefix=fairplay%2Caps%2C552&ref=nb_sb_ss_ts-doa-p_4_8