Two working parents and comparable jobs struggling to negotiate whose job gets priority

[Anonymous]

Honestly, we discussed this before we got married and had kids. This was part of our pre-marriage counseling. We made sure we were on the same page. I preferred being the default parent and he was ok with that and took on the added pressure of making sure he had a stable job. We make similar salaries, but when the kids are sick, I usually take care of everything. I take care is things like DRs appts, etc. That’s the way I prefer it.

[Anonymous]

We balance based on who is more under water.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don't do it by whose job is more important or gets priority. We look at who has how much sick or annual leave left, who has the calendar full of external meetings v. who has a bit more flexibility that day, who has a big deadline next week v. who's got a bit more time. There is no default to one or the other of us. Some days we even split the day; he works from home/takes time off in the AM and I work from home/takes time off in the PM.

This is similar to us. And I’m a fed so by default I cover all the school closures on federal holidays. DH has some floating holidays that he uses to cover the other random holidays. We also often pay for school break camps. My kids are elementary age an independent enough to watch a show, nap, read, etc. on sick days while I work from home. I do take breaks to give Tylenol and make lunch, but otherwise it’s not as big of an issue as when they were babies/toddlers. So hang in there OP. This stage of the kids being really little passes.

I also think I had realistic expectations. I had kids at 30 and 32, so wasn’t full speed ahead career-wise at that point and trying to get ahead. Maybe one or both of you need to just accept a career plateau for a few years.

[Anonymous]

I currently make all the money in our house, but work from home with a very flexible job and paid sick leave. DH makes no money and works outside the house with no flexibility and no paid time off (starting a small business). So, I take all the sick days, etc., not because my job does not have priority, but because I can.

But it sounds like you have a nanny, so the obvious solution is to leave the kids with the nanny during working hours and leave the house to do your work.

If you honestly feel like your DH wants to put all of this on you because you are "the mom" and not because that is what makes most sense for your family, then that is an issue to discuss. But the actual solution to your logistics problem seems straightforward.

[Anonymous]

Please stop having kids because they are cute.

[Anonymous]

When our kids were in the 3-7 year old range, we had a similar situation but reversed: his job had zero flexibility (literally couldn't even answer his phone except for lunch break) but never traveled. I had more flexibility and could occasionally even work from home, but traveled 1-2 times a month for a few days or up to a week at a time.

Here's how we balanced it. When I was out of town, he covered everything. In response, when I was home, I was the default option. If I had a specific conflict while I was in town - a big event or something that I absolutely could not miss, or an early morning / late night - I flagged that day on our family calendar well in advance and asked if he could be on call that day (or drop off / pick up / whatever).

I'm not going to say it was perfect. We definitely had issues with scrambling to cover surprise snow days or sick days or doctor appointments. But in balance, it worked out ok, and we weren't left arguing over whose turn it was all that often. The kids are now teens and it is so much easier. Hang in there, this doesn't last forever!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids also have a full time nanny. If they are sick, we take time off if they need to go to the doctor but otherwise the nanny can handle it. We are not the type to cuddle with them for extended periods of time. DH had much more involved and loving parents than I did, and even his parents didn't do that.

You don't always get everything you want.

Do you mind expanding on this? Why did you have kids?

Because they're cute and entertaining and it can be fun most of the time (and when it's not, that's what the nannies are there for!) and we wanted a family.

Cute and entertaining like pets?
Outsourcing the parenting is familyi life?

[Anonymous]

My husband travels for his job and earns travel comp time, so the understanding is when he's not on travel, he takes it because he has all that extra accrued leave. Obviously exceptions for a really big event or meeting.

[Anonymous]

Does your husband really expect you to cover all this? Or is he really saying “you are being over the top, let the nanny handle this.”

If he expects you to cover, he is a jerk. If he thinks the nanny should handle 95% of this, I agree with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don't do it by whose job is more important or gets priority. We look at who has how much sick or annual leave left, who has the calendar full of external meetings v. who has a bit more flexibility that day, who has a big deadline next week v. who's got a bit more time. There is no default to one or the other of us. Some days we even split the day; he works from home/takes time off in the AM and I work from home/takes time off in the PM.

This is similar to us. And I’m a fed so by default I cover all the school closures on federal holidays. DH has some floating holidays that he uses to cover the other random holidays. We also often pay for school break camps. My kids are elementary age an independent enough to watch a show, nap, read, etc. on sick days while I work from home. I do take breaks to give Tylenol and make lunch, but otherwise it’s not as big of an issue as when they were babies/toddlers. So hang in there OP. This stage of the kids being really little passes.

I also think I had realistic expectations. I had kids at 30 and 32, so wasn’t full speed ahead career-wise at that point and trying to get ahead. Maybe one or both of you need to just accept a career plateau for a few years.

Same. We’re both Feds, both WFH most of the time, both GS15 supervisors. Even when it was less equal, when we first started having kids (shortly after I finished grad school) we still figured it out on a case by case basis. The one time we both had out of town conferences we couldn’t miss, we flew DH’s mom in to watch the kids for a few days. My parents are local but can’t manage all three.

I’m the default parent in terms of scheduling stuff - mostly because I have far better executive function - but DH absolutely does his share of appointments and sick kid duty. He’s much better than me at getting up at night if one of them gets sick.

[Anonymous]

Same as many others - we just decide who has the flexibility that day to handle things. Neither person/job gets priority by default, but if I have calls with clients or he has a meeting on site then that person gets to work. If it's a random day off school and we both have things we'll divide the day up into chunks based on when we're each busier.

I think you need to tell your husband how this makes you feel. You mentioned it being "easier" if the jobs weren't comparable or someone stayed hom, but that would actually make it worse, in my opinion, because then one person does all the kid/house/pet stuff and I think that's an awful way to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband really expect you to cover all this? Or is he really saying “you are being over the top, let the nanny handle this.”

If he expects you to cover, he is a jerk. If he thinks the nanny should handle 95% of this, I agree with him.

This.

If the nanny is there and available but you CHOOSE to be with the kids instead, then I can see him saying that it is your responsibility to cover that time and it's not fair to ask him.

[Anonymous]

We consider our careers to be of equal importance. We both have a fair amount of flexibility. Right now what we do is have a schedule for the week where on different days of the week, one person is assigned as default back up for sickness or babysitter absence. I try to schedule my necessary meetings around those days. But we also try to give each other flexibility.

There is always going to be a ton of friction regardless of what you do. The only solution is to try and have a somewhat equitable system and not keep score. I would sit down maybe with a counselor if you think that might help and hammer out an agreement. Like if you both agree that both people’s jobs are equally important, maybe you can agree to alternate turns with the added flexibility of being able to trade a turn here and there.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you need him to handle more of the predictable day-to-day, and then you wouldn't feel so oppressed by the surprising stuff.

[Anonymous]

If the nanny is there and the kids are having non emergency illness, they don’t “need” mom. Maybe your husband realizes this. Have a full time nanny who will do households tasks during hours the kids are in school. Let her take care of the kids when they are sick. It’s fine.

I will add, consider having your kids wear kn95s to school if you don’t want the constant illnesses. my kids have only gotten sick once this year. They wear kids size kn95s to school and we mask indoors in public. We are not plagued with the all these illnesses the media is talking about. We have not gotten COVID yet.