Two working parents and comparable jobs struggling to negotiate whose job gets priority

[Anonymous]

Honestly, my spouse started to majorly slack off on his share of parental duties, and only did the fun stuff leaving me with snow days, dr appts, sick days etc while he haunted around on business travel, leaving hours early to “relax” in the airport lounge.

I started saying I have inflexible work commitments, rather than trying to flex constantly for him. 6 mos later and now we’re on an even path. There was way more bickering before, this “white lie” is a lot easier. In fact I’m not even sure it’s a white lie. He tends to take care of his needs first, then family. I am other way around and take care of everyone else’s first, then mine. So this is my way to even it out.

We are all happier now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make more money than DH, and have a more demanding job, but at the end of the day it has to be the mom who does most school related and child related things.

Sure maybe DH can stay home when they are sick (how often is that really, we had like maybe 5 days a year?).

But for school volunteering, or playdates, or whatever when DH showed up, he was treated as the odd DH. First time, it was all cheers (what a great dad), but by the second time they were wondering where I was. In general parenting events are the moms, and dads are mostly not welcome. Coordinating for playdates and camps? Moms want to be texting and talking to moms, and carpooling with moms generally,

We hate it, but see how the family we know where the DH is default is ostracized -- we accept our lot.

What a bizarre concept. Where do you live? The 1970's?

I am the dad and I do probably 90% of kid related things. My wife has a degenerative eye disorder and has very limited driving options which will probably go away in the next few years if her vision continues to degenerate.

My twins are in 5th grade and I usually am the default parent for anything outside the house and she is the default parent for things at home. And we've never had a problem. I go to playdates, I go to the playground, I take them to school every morning and meet them after school. Other than when they were infants and my wife was in a Mom's multiples group based around same age birth groups, I have usually been the default parent for meetups and playdates, etc. I have only infrequently been an "outsider" at playdates and such. I go to the playground and have plenty of Moms talk to me and socialize. I'm sometimes the outsider when the Moms are already friends, but not often. Most of the Moms I meet at casual events, are at least polite and courteous if not friendly. And I'm usually the one on the text chains. Sometimes my wife is included, but most families learned pretty quickly that I'm the one to contact.

NP here. It’s easier for Dad to be the default parent when play dates are dropoff. And of course, no issues with volunteering. But I am a mom of young kids, and I do not want to spend a play date with a dad, sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make more money than DH, and have a more demanding job, but at the end of the day it has to be the mom who does most school related and child related things.

Sure maybe DH can stay home when they are sick (how often is that really, we had like maybe 5 days a year?).

But for school volunteering, or playdates, or whatever when DH showed up, he was treated as the odd DH. First time, it was all cheers (what a great dad), but by the second time they were wondering where I was. In general parenting events are the moms, and dads are mostly not welcome. Coordinating for playdates and camps? Moms want to be texting and talking to moms, and carpooling with moms generally,

We hate it, but see how the family we know where the DH is default is ostracized -- we accept our lot.

What a bizarre concept. Where do you live? The 1970's?

I am the dad and I do probably 90% of kid related things. My wife has a degenerative eye disorder and has very limited driving options which will probably go away in the next few years if her vision continues to degenerate.

My twins are in 5th grade and I usually am the default parent for anything outside the house and she is the default parent for things at home. And we've never had a problem. I go to playdates, I go to the playground, I take them to school every morning and meet them after school. Other than when they were infants and my wife was in a Mom's multiples group based around same age birth groups, I have usually been the default parent for meetups and playdates, etc. I have only infrequently been an "outsider" at playdates and such. I go to the playground and have plenty of Moms talk to me and socialize. I'm sometimes the outsider when the Moms are already friends, but not often. Most of the Moms I meet at casual events, are at least polite and courteous if not friendly. And I'm usually the one on the text chains. Sometimes my wife is included, but most families learned pretty quickly that I'm the one to contact.

NP here. It’s easier for Dad to be the default parent when play dates are dropoff. And of course, no issues with volunteering. But I am a mom of young kids, and I do not want to spend a play date with a dad, sorry.

Get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make more money than DH, and have a more demanding job, but at the end of the day it has to be the mom who does most school related and child related things.

Sure maybe DH can stay home when they are sick (how often is that really, we had like maybe 5 days a year?).

But for school volunteering, or playdates, or whatever when DH showed up, he was treated as the odd DH. First time, it was all cheers (what a great dad), but by the second time they were wondering where I was. In general parenting events are the moms, and dads are mostly not welcome. Coordinating for playdates and camps? Moms want to be texting and talking to moms, and carpooling with moms generally,

We hate it, but see how the family we know where the DH is default is ostracized -- we accept our lot.

What a bizarre concept. Where do you live? The 1970's?

I am the dad and I do probably 90% of kid related things. My wife has a degenerative eye disorder and has very limited driving options which will probably go away in the next few years if her vision continues to degenerate.

My twins are in 5th grade and I usually am the default parent for anything outside the house and she is the default parent for things at home. And we've never had a problem. I go to playdates, I go to the playground, I take them to school every morning and meet them after school. Other than when they were infants and my wife was in a Mom's multiples group based around same age birth groups, I have usually been the default parent for meetups and playdates, etc. I have only infrequently been an "outsider" at playdates and such. I go to the playground and have plenty of Moms talk to me and socialize. I'm sometimes the outsider when the Moms are already friends, but not often. Most of the Moms I meet at casual events, are at least polite and courteous if not friendly. And I'm usually the one on the text chains. Sometimes my wife is included, but most families learned pretty quickly that I'm the one to contact.

NP here. It’s easier for Dad to be the default parent when play dates are dropoff. And of course, no issues with volunteering. But I am a mom of young kids, and I do not want to spend a play date with a dad, sorry.

If you were rejected from a job because the male hiring manager preferred a male subordinate, would you have a problem with that? People like you hold everyone back. What messed up values.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make more money than DH, and have a more demanding job, but at the end of the day it has to be the mom who does most school related and child related things.

Sure maybe DH can stay home when they are sick (how often is that really, we had like maybe 5 days a year?).

But for school volunteering, or playdates, or whatever when DH showed up, he was treated as the odd DH. First time, it was all cheers (what a great dad), but by the second time they were wondering where I was. In general parenting events are the moms, and dads are mostly not welcome. Coordinating for playdates and camps? Moms want to be texting and talking to moms, and carpooling with moms generally,

We hate it, but see how the family we know where the DH is default is ostracized -- we accept our lot.

What a bizarre concept. Where do you live? The 1970's?

I am the dad and I do probably 90% of kid related things. My wife has a degenerative eye disorder and has very limited driving options which will probably go away in the next few years if her vision continues to degenerate.

My twins are in 5th grade and I usually am the default parent for anything outside the house and she is the default parent for things at home. And we've never had a problem. I go to playdates, I go to the playground, I take them to school every morning and meet them after school. Other than when they were infants and my wife was in a Mom's multiples group based around same age birth groups, I have usually been the default parent for meetups and playdates, etc. I have only infrequently been an "outsider" at playdates and such. I go to the playground and have plenty of Moms talk to me and socialize. I'm sometimes the outsider when the Moms are already friends, but not often. Most of the Moms I meet at casual events, are at least polite and courteous if not friendly. And I'm usually the one on the text chains. Sometimes my wife is included, but most families learned pretty quickly that I'm the one to contact.

NP here. It’s easier for Dad to be the default parent when play dates are dropoff. And of course, no issues with volunteering. But I am a mom of young kids, and I do not want to spend a play date with a dad, sorry.

Weird. My DD has a friend with 2 dads, I like both of them a lot. I guess you would never do a play date with their kid because God forbid you have to spend time with a dad!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, my spouse started to majorly slack off on his share of parental duties, and only did the fun stuff leaving me with snow days, dr appts, sick days etc while he haunted around on business travel, leaving hours early to “relax” in the airport lounge.

I started saying I have inflexible work commitments, rather than trying to flex constantly for him. 6 mos later and now we’re on an even path. There was way more bickering before, this “white lie” is a lot easier. In fact I’m not even sure it’s a white lie. He tends to take care of his needs first, then family. I am other way around and take care of everyone else’s first, then mine. So this is my way to even it out.

We are all happier now.

My spouse isn't like yours but I will say, RTO made things more even between us on this issue. For basically the same reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make more money than DH, and have a more demanding job, but at the end of the day it has to be the mom who does most school related and child related things.

Sure maybe DH can stay home when they are sick (how often is that really, we had like maybe 5 days a year?).

But for school volunteering, or playdates, or whatever when DH showed up, he was treated as the odd DH. First time, it was all cheers (what a great dad), but by the second time they were wondering where I was. In general parenting events are the moms, and dads are mostly not welcome. Coordinating for playdates and camps? Moms want to be texting and talking to moms, and carpooling with moms generally,

We hate it, but see how the family we know where the DH is default is ostracized -- we accept our lot.

What a bizarre concept. Where do you live? The 1970's?

I am the dad and I do probably 90% of kid related things. My wife has a degenerative eye disorder and has very limited driving options which will probably go away in the next few years if her vision continues to degenerate.

My twins are in 5th grade and I usually am the default parent for anything outside the house and she is the default parent for things at home. And we've never had a problem. I go to playdates, I go to the playground, I take them to school every morning and meet them after school. Other than when they were infants and my wife was in a Mom's multiples group based around same age birth groups, I have usually been the default parent for meetups and playdates, etc. I have only infrequently been an "outsider" at playdates and such. I go to the playground and have plenty of Moms talk to me and socialize. I'm sometimes the outsider when the Moms are already friends, but not often. Most of the Moms I meet at casual events, are at least polite and courteous if not friendly. And I'm usually the one on the text chains. Sometimes my wife is included, but most families learned pretty quickly that I'm the one to contact.

NP here. It’s easier for Dad to be the default parent when play dates are dropoff. And of course, no issues with volunteering. But I am a mom of young kids, and I do not want to spend a play date with a dad, sorry.

Weird. My DD has a friend with 2 dads, I like both of them a lot. I guess you would never do a play date with their kid because God forbid you have to spend time with a dad!

Seriously! Plus once they are in PK or K, the play dates are drop off. Honestly I do not want to make small talk with most moms OR dads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make more money than DH, and have a more demanding job, but at the end of the day it has to be the mom who does most school related and child related things.

Sure maybe DH can stay home when they are sick (how often is that really, we had like maybe 5 days a year?).

But for school volunteering, or playdates, or whatever when DH showed up, he was treated as the odd DH. First time, it was all cheers (what a great dad), but by the second time they were wondering where I was. In general parenting events are the moms, and dads are mostly not welcome. Coordinating for playdates and camps? Moms want to be texting and talking to moms, and carpooling with moms generally,

We hate it, but see how the family we know where the DH is default is ostracized -- we accept our lot.

What a bizarre concept. Where do you live? The 1970's?

I am the dad and I do probably 90% of kid related things. My wife has a degenerative eye disorder and has very limited driving options which will probably go away in the next few years if her vision continues to degenerate.

My twins are in 5th grade and I usually am the default parent for anything outside the house and she is the default parent for things at home. And we've never had a problem. I go to playdates, I go to the playground, I take them to school every morning and meet them after school. Other than when they were infants and my wife was in a Mom's multiples group based around same age birth groups, I have usually been the default parent for meetups and playdates, etc. I have only infrequently been an "outsider" at playdates and such. I go to the playground and have plenty of Moms talk to me and socialize. I'm sometimes the outsider when the Moms are already friends, but not often. Most of the Moms I meet at casual events, are at least polite and courteous if not friendly. And I'm usually the one on the text chains. Sometimes my wife is included, but most families learned pretty quickly that I'm the one to contact.

NP here. It’s easier for Dad to be the default parent when play dates are dropoff. And of course, no issues with volunteering. But I am a mom of young kids, and I do not want to spend a play date with a dad, sorry.

If you were rejected from a job because the male hiring manager preferred a male subordinate, would you have a problem with that? People like you hold everyone back. What messed up values.

You’re really comparing not wanting to do a playdate with a dad with… sexism in hiring? Really? LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, my spouse started to majorly slack off on his share of parental duties, and only did the fun stuff leaving me with snow days, dr appts, sick days etc while he haunted around on business travel, leaving hours early to “relax” in the airport lounge.

I started saying I have inflexible work commitments, rather than trying to flex constantly for him. 6 mos later and now we’re on an even path. There was way more bickering before, this “white lie” is a lot easier. In fact I’m not even sure it’s a white lie. He tends to take care of his needs first, then family. I am other way around and take care of everyone else’s first, then mine. So this is my way to even it out.

We are all happier now.

This. I started just saying I had meetings. End of conflict.

The problem was that a lot of his work runs on meetings whereas mine was done solo, he’d pull a meeting out of his a… back pocket and I’d be stuck with everything. So I ended up just saying, I have a meeting: and I did. With myself. To do my work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make more money than DH, and have a more demanding job, but at the end of the day it has to be the mom who does most school related and child related things.

Sure maybe DH can stay home when they are sick (how often is that really, we had like maybe 5 days a year?).

But for school volunteering, or playdates, or whatever when DH showed up, he was treated as the odd DH. First time, it was all cheers (what a great dad), but by the second time they were wondering where I was. In general parenting events are the moms, and dads are mostly not welcome. Coordinating for playdates and camps? Moms want to be texting and talking to moms, and carpooling with moms generally,

We hate it, but see how the family we know where the DH is default is ostracized -- we accept our lot.

What a bizarre concept. Where do you live? The 1970's?

I am the dad and I do probably 90% of kid related things. My wife has a degenerative eye disorder and has very limited driving options which will probably go away in the next few years if her vision continues to degenerate.

My twins are in 5th grade and I usually am the default parent for anything outside the house and she is the default parent for things at home. And we've never had a problem. I go to playdates, I go to the playground, I take them to school every morning and meet them after school. Other than when they were infants and my wife was in a Mom's multiples group based around same age birth groups, I have usually been the default parent for meetups and playdates, etc. I have only infrequently been an "outsider" at playdates and such. I go to the playground and have plenty of Moms talk to me and socialize. I'm sometimes the outsider when the Moms are already friends, but not often. Most of the Moms I meet at casual events, are at least polite and courteous if not friendly. And I'm usually the one on the text chains. Sometimes my wife is included, but most families learned pretty quickly that I'm the one to contact.

NP here. It’s easier for Dad to be the default parent when play dates are dropoff. And of course, no issues with volunteering. But I am a mom of young kids, and I do not want to spend a play date with a dad, sorry.

If you were rejected from a job because the male hiring manager preferred a male subordinate, would you have a problem with that? People like you hold everyone back. What messed up values.

To be fair, it depends on the situation. DH is military, and a mom and dad hanging out during a play date with no other parents will 100% lead to unstoppable rumors that could ruin careers. Welcome to 1960!

[Anonymous]

We calendar religiously.

My spouse travels, and so his travel time goes on the calendar. I don't travel but often have high-level meetings online/in DC, and so those go on the calendar -- I am as unavailable for kid sick leave duty in those windows as he is when he is in, say, Atlanta.

After that, we tag team. If I've done two sick days because he was out of town, he's up for the next set.