Two working parents and comparable jobs struggling to negotiate whose job gets priority

[Anonymous]

We share sick kid responsibilities based on the week and what’s going on with who at work. It ends up being pretty equal over the course of the year. We don’t look at it as one persons job is more important overall. Both our jobs are important to our hhi and to each of us individually. It helps for both of us to have employers with pro parent policies and flexibility.

[Anonymous]

Your priority should be the kids, not yourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids also have a full time nanny. If they are sick, we take time off if they need to go to the doctor but otherwise the nanny can handle it. We are not the type to cuddle with them for extended periods of time. DH had much more involved and loving parents than I did, and even his parents didn't do that.

You don't always get everything you want.

Do you mind expanding on this? Why did you have kids?

Because they're cute and entertaining and it can be fun most of the time (and when it's not, that's what the nannies are there for!) and we wanted a family.

Cute and entertaining like pets? Outsourcing the parenting is familyi life?

Our pets are entertaining in different ways than our kids. And you won’t win a gold medal just because you changed diapers or did laundry yourself. We don’t have nannies all the time. There’s nothing wrong with us just doing the fun parts of parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don't do it by whose job is more important or gets priority. We look at who has how much sick or annual leave left, who has the calendar full of external meetings v. who has a bit more flexibility that day, who has a big deadline next week v. who's got a bit more time. There is no default to one or the other of us. Some days we even split the day; he works from home/takes time off in the AM and I work from home/takes time off in the PM.

I have one in college and one is a senior in high school that can drive. We did what this poster recommends. Don't bean count. Figure out what makes the most sense on a case by case basis. This does not last forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don't do it by whose job is more important or gets priority. We look at who has how much sick or annual leave left, who has the calendar full of external meetings v. who has a bit more flexibility that day, who has a big deadline next week v. who's got a bit more time. There is no default to one or the other of us. Some days we even split the day; he works from home/takes time off in the AM and I work from home/takes time off in the PM.

This is what we do. Spouse tends to have more meetings during the workdays and I tend to have more deadlines, but can work in the evenings, so that influences how we work things out.

All of this - I may have a day full of meetings, but if I have called/control them and he has meeting w the VP, I move mine and vice versa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do any other dual working parents of young kids run into this? Both my spouse and I have comparable jobs but I make about 10 percent more. My job is more demanding and requires a high degree of availability and responsiveness but no travel. His job is more flexible but requires more travel and in person work, so he expects me to be the primary parent to cover him constantly, which increasingly impacts my ability to do my job. I feel like with all these constant school closures and illnesses we are constantly negotiating whose job gets priority. And it seems like my husband just expects that because I am “the mom” that it be me. We have a nanny but when the kids are sick they just want mom so she’s of limited help to me and it seems like they are sick constantly for the last few months.

How do other working couples negotiate this? I feel like it would be easier if one of us had a big job and the other did not, or one of us stayed home.

Sorry, but that is one of the perks of having a nanny. Nanny deals with sick kids during the work day, you WORK, and then the kids get extra cuddles and snuggles at night. You are mad at him because you aren’t using the resource you are PAYING for. You have a nanny. Stop being a martyr and let her do the work you are paying her to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do any other dual working parents of young kids run into this? Both my spouse and I have comparable jobs but I make about 10 percent more. My job is more demanding and requires a high degree of availability and responsiveness but no travel. His job is more flexible but requires more travel and in person work, so he expects me to be the primary parent to cover him constantly, which increasingly impacts my ability to do my job. I feel like with all these constant school closures and illnesses we are constantly negotiating whose job gets priority. And it seems like my husband just expects that because I am “the mom” that it be me. We have a nanny but when the kids are sick they just want mom so she’s of limited help to me and it seems like they are sick constantly for the last few months.

How do other working couples negotiate this? I feel like it would be easier if one of us had a big job and the other did not, or one of us stayed home.

If you have a nanny, where is the issue. If they want mom or dad, then one would hope you'd find the time, but if your job is more important, that's why you are paying someone.

[Anonymous]

DH and I are both teachers. But I am department head and he is not. He does most of the sick days, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do any other dual working parents of young kids run into this? Both my spouse and I have comparable jobs but I make about 10 percent more. My job is more demanding and requires a high degree of availability and responsiveness but no travel. His job is more flexible but requires more travel and in person work, so he expects me to be the primary parent to cover him constantly, which increasingly impacts my ability to do my job. I feel like with all these constant school closures and illnesses we are constantly negotiating whose job gets priority. And it seems like my husband just expects that because I am “the mom” that it be me. We have a nanny but when the kids are sick they just want mom so she’s of limited help to me and it seems like they are sick constantly for the last few months.

How do other working couples negotiate this? I feel like it would be easier if one of us had a big job and the other did not, or one of us stayed home.

If you have a nanny, where is the issue. If they want mom or dad, then one would hope you'd find the time, but if your job is more important, that's why you are paying someone.

Agreed. OP's problem is that she lets the children make the household decisions.

OP, if you were working out of the house and your child had to stay home from school sick, what would you do? Wouldn't you just leave the child home with the nanny? That's what you are paying her for, caring for your children, so you can work. So, you should do that. If you are paying for a nanny, but you take time off work when one of the kids is sick, even though you have a nanny, you are the problem, not your husband.

You need to stop catering to the child when the nanny is there and just go and work. You are creating a problem for yourself and it isn't because your husband's job is more important than yours. It's that you believe that the nanny's job is more important than yours. So you are prioritizing caring for your sick child over working. You do have the choice to prioritize your work over caring for your sick children since you have a nanny to care for them, even if they are whining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do any other dual working parents of young kids run into this? Both my spouse and I have comparable jobs but I make about 10 percent more. My job is more demanding and requires a high degree of availability and responsiveness but no travel. His job is more flexible but requires more travel and in person work, so he expects me to be the primary parent to cover him constantly, which increasingly impacts my ability to do my job. I feel like with all these constant school closures and illnesses we are constantly negotiating whose job gets priority. And it seems like my husband just expects that because I am “the mom” that it be me. We have a nanny but when the kids are sick they just want mom so she’s of limited help to me and it seems like they are sick constantly for the last few months.

How do other working couples negotiate this? I feel like it would be easier if one of us had a big job and the other did not, or one of us stayed home.

This is 100% on you. Not your husband or the nanny, but you. The reason you’re feeling like the one carrying the heavier load is because you are CHOOSING to do so. Set some boundaries. Let the nanny take care of the sick kids. Make yourself unavailable.

[Anonymous]

When are the kids the priority is the better question.

[Anonymous]

when the kids are sick they just want mom so she’s of limited help

Too bad. They don't get what they want. I am serious. You have a very busy life. They learn to self soothe, and rely on the Nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

when the kids are sick they just want mom so she’s of limited help

Too bad. They don't get what they want. I am serious. You have a very busy life. They learn to self soothe, and rely on the Nanny.

Right the sooner those kids learn to suck it up the better. What kind of a person needs the love and comfort of their mother when they are sick?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

when the kids are sick they just want mom so she’s of limited help

Too bad. They don't get what they want. I am serious. You have a very busy life. They learn to self soothe, and rely on the Nanny.

Right the sooner those kids learn to suck it up the better. What kind of a person needs the love and comfort of their mother when they are sick?

Different poster but when I was sick as a kid my mother never hung out with me. I stayed in bed, she'd bring me cheerios or soup or an ice pop, and check my temp and give me medicine, and that was it. If I wanted to tell her somehting, I'd wait until the next time she came by. I felt perfectly loved and comforted by her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

when the kids are sick they just want mom so she’s of limited help

Too bad. They don't get what they want. I am serious. You have a very busy life. They learn to self soothe, and rely on the Nanny.

Right the sooner those kids learn to suck it up the better. What kind of a person needs the love and comfort of their mother when they are sick?

Different poster but when I was sick as a kid my mother never hung out with me. I stayed in bed, she'd bring me cheerios or soup or an ice pop, and check my temp and give me medicine, and that was it. If I wanted to tell her somehting, I'd wait until the next time she came by. I felt perfectly loved and comforted by her.

This. And when our kids are sick, DH and I each try to shave an hour or two off of our workday if we can, and ask our nanny to handle the rest. It is not an issue. Pretty sure our kids feel loved and prioritized by us.