21-year-old DS has launched and I'm so sad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thinking of a 22 YO who died this week and wondering if you understand how lucky you are. Maybe try to feel the gratitude and joy more than the sadness?

Thinking of Lisa Marie Presley and Tatianna Pretitz. These celebrity parents died young this week. Wonder if your son realizes how lucky he is that you are still alive? He should never have left you and launched because of ...UKRAINE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He graduated college last spring, secured a really good job this fall, is off our insurance, has his own car and apartment and is living his life independently. When he went home (3 hours away in another city) after the holidays it was the first time I didn't know for sure when he'd be back. There is no "spring break" visit on the horizon. It's unfair to ask him to spend the week of PTO he gets with us, so we will be lucky for a weekend visit here and there. He will text and call and is in touch, but he's gone.

There's so much fear about failure to launch, the nobody talks about the void when they do. Someone tell me it gets easier.

Hugs! I know. That life of having kids you were raising is over. Yes, successfully launched and all but empty nester is a real syndrome. You will adjust soon and they will keep coming back because they need support, love and guidance from their parents all their life.

[Anonymous]

I have a question for op and others in a similar circumstance and feeling....
Did you expect to feel this way? Was it surprising?

I ask because I adore my kids and being with them but am looking forward to them leaving for college. I wonder if things will be as amazing as I am expecting when/if they leave. They are still my world but I want them to be happy and somewhere else.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you said if you go and visit him? Learn about his area, where he lives. Stay in a hotel and see other things in the area. Don't be an imposition, but a meal or two with him would be nice. It can't be all on him to visit you. And you should learn and see his life in his new location -- more than once/more like regularly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thinking of a 22 YO who died this week and wondering if you understand how lucky you are. Maybe try to feel the gratitude and joy more than the sadness?

God I knew there would be someone. As soon as I read this thread. It’s the same line as “there are starving children in Africa and you’re worried about your child’s XYZ??!!?” Just stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Inappropriate humble bragging.

Not really, but an interesting perception on your part. [/quote]

+1. lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t really understand. You can visit him anytime. You don’t have to worry about exams, or homework or waiting until spring break.

Most kids these days get some work from home so no PTO needed.

Get an Airbnb at a ski resort and spend the week, he can work during the day.

Yikes.

Not yikes they work all day and spend the evening together. Are you 80 years old?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a question for op and others in a similar circumstance and feeling....
Did you expect to feel this way? Was it surprising?

I ask because I adore my kids and being with them but am looking forward to them leaving for college. I wonder if things will be as amazing as I am expecting when/if they leave. They are still my world but I want them to be happy and somewhere else.

I've never felt that my kids are my world. I've always looked forward to them experiencing all the steps of a healthy life cycle for THEM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t really understand. You can visit him anytime. You don’t have to worry about exams, or homework or waiting until spring break.

Most kids these days get some work from home so no PTO needed.

Get an Airbnb at a ski resort and spend the week, he can work during the day.

Not everyone has, or wants, a remote job. He’s in a laboratory.

Does he lab work require him to be there 24x7 and weekends? Visit do fun stuff on the weekends, dinners in the evening. What’s keeping you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a question for op and others in a similar circumstance and feeling....
Did you expect to feel this way? Was it surprising?

I ask because I adore my kids and being with them but am looking forward to them leaving for college. I wonder if things will be as amazing as I am expecting when/if they leave. They are still my world but I want them to be happy and somewhere else.

I've never felt that my kids are my world. I've always looked forward to them experiencing all the steps of a healthy life cycle for THEM.

+1

I feel this way as well. My 25-year-old is thriving in his job in a city on the other side of the country. He has his own insurance, a car, a long-term girlfriend, and retirement savings. We see him here at least once a year at the holidays and sometimes twice, depending on what’s going on. I love visiting in his city and seeing how he is thriving.

It’s exactly what I wanted for him. And for me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a question for op and others in a similar circumstance and feeling....
Did you expect to feel this way? Was it surprising?

I ask because I adore my kids and being with them but am looking forward to them leaving for college. I wonder if things will be as amazing as I am expecting when/if they leave. They are still my world but I want them to be happy and somewhere else.

I’m the PP with five adult kids. I knew that I would be very, very sad when they left. I loved having kids at home and I actually miss the craziness. I expected to be really sad. What I didn’t expect was how quickly the time would go. I can’t believe they are all adults. I can’t believe I have grandchildren. Everyone told me the kids would grow up fast. But until you experience it yourself, I just don’t think you really get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thinking of a 22 YO who died this week and wondering if you understand how lucky you are. Maybe try to feel the gratitude and joy more than the sadness?

God I knew there would be someone. As soon as I read this thread. It’s the same line as “there are starving children in Africa and you’re worried about your child’s XYZ??!!?” Just stop.

Did you know research shows gratitude is an effective antidote for all kinds of negative feelings?

It’s a parent’s job to raise a healthy and happy kid who successfully launches into independent life. It’s what you strive for. It’s not wrong to suggest that gratitude is an option.

[Anonymous]

Sending you hugs, OP. Change is hard at every age and stage, and this is a new one for you. You've spent a lot of time, heart, money, and mental energy raising him. And now that part feels done. Embrace the melancholy but also embrace your freedom. You've done good.

[Anonymous]

I get it OP. My oldest is a first year in college. He was home for 3 weeks over the holidays and I thought I'd be eager to get him back to school.... but then when he was getting ready to go, I was completely sad. Much more than when we dropped him off in September. I think part of it is not knowing when we'll see him next, since he's not sure what he'll do for spring break. And just the realization that we're now at the stage where he's only here for short stints...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a question for op and others in a similar circumstance and feeling....
Did you expect to feel this way? Was it surprising?

I ask because I adore my kids and being with them but am looking forward to them leaving for college. I wonder if things will be as amazing as I am expecting when/if they leave. They are still my world but I want them to be happy and somewhere else.

I’m OP. It was surprising because I was not sad to send them off to college. And after he was stuck home because of Covid, I was all about finding him an apartment and helping him move. I think the difference this time is the knowledge that it won’t be easy for him to come “home” for prolonged periods (a week or more) anymore. And now that I’m typing it, I think the fact this is no longer his home, but his parents home is the big thing.

I’m happy for him. This is exactly what should be happening. He’s grown and successful and living his life. But I was not anticipating this melancholy at all.