21-year-old DS has launched and I'm so sad

[Anonymous]

Re vacations - my parents have kept renting a big house at the beach for the same two weeks since we were kids - with an open door policy l. We knew we were always invited (but not expected) for as much or as little time by ourselves or with friends (as long as in coordination with siblings). Even though we are adults and some have kids we all tend to cycle back for varying portions of these couple weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He graduated college last spring, secured a really good job this fall, is off our insurance, has his own car and apartment and is living his life independently. When he went home (3 hours away in another city) after the holidays it was the first time I didn't know for sure when he'd be back. There is no "spring break" visit on the horizon. It's unfair to ask him to spend the week of PTO he gets with us, so we will be lucky for a weekend visit here and there. He will text and call and is in touch, but he's gone.

There's so much fear about failure to launch, the nobody talks about the void when they do. Someone tell me it gets easier.

Bittersweet reality of parenthood.

[Anonymous]

Op, as an act of charity, I would be happy to send my failing to launch 22-year-old to live with you to fill your void.

[Anonymous]

It's time to rediscover yourself! Refocus your energy on hobbies or interests you put to the side to parent.

If you're married, go on more date nights with your spouse.

The key is to embrace this change as a positive and a success. Which it totally is! Not to mourn something that simply no longer is because the time for that has passed.

Plus, god willing, you'll have grandkids to look forward to, so this is not necessarily the end.

[Anonymous]

Oh god. Where are the tissues? Even if this is a fantastic outcome, I am not exactly looking forward to this day with my own DD who is still a young teen.

[Anonymous]

Thinking of a 22 YO who died this week and wondering if you understand how lucky you are. Maybe try to feel the gratitude and joy more than the sadness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP did your DS graduate college 1 or 2 years early? Mine is 21 and will graduate in 18 months. No gap years.

He finished in three years. Summer classes, lots of AP credits and luck with scheduling classes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thinking of a 22 YO who died this week and wondering if you understand how lucky you are. Maybe try to feel the gratitude and joy more than the sadness?

That is an excellent point that I will try to keep in mind. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t really understand. You can visit him anytime. You don’t have to worry about exams, or homework or waiting until spring break.

Most kids these days get some work from home so no PTO needed.

Get an Airbnb at a ski resort and spend the week, he can work during the day.

Not everyone has, or wants, a remote job. He’s in a laboratory.

[Anonymous]

Big hugs, OP.

I totally understand what you're saying - that this is a moment you've been working towards the whole time you were raising him, and yet, when it comes, it's also sad to let go.

You did a great job! Go and visit!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious OP, did you have these sort of feelings when he went to college? I feel like that would be the really hard transition, especially because it sounds like you raised a very successful son!

I agree with the other posters. Book trips to see him. Check out some great restaurants near him, combined with some activity that you like on your own. (So, he doesn’t view visits as too much.)

Sending him to college was fairly easy because there was always a long break in the horizon, like summer or spring break, when I knew he’d be home. Now there’s nothing like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Big hugs, OP.

I totally understand what you're saying - that this is a moment you've been working towards the whole time you were raising him, and yet, when it comes, it's also sad to let go.

You did a great job! Go and visit!

Thank you. I’m going to find a restaurant in his city that I want to try and plan a visit around that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want more than Christmas or Thanksgiving, you should go visit him. It’s not fair for young adults to have to do all the travel.

Yes, but how much is an imposition?

Depends on the kid and their lifestyle, and how they view their relationship with you. When our DD moved, we saw her once a month. We’d suggest two weekends, she’d pick one of those, and we’d go to her the weekend she picked. We’d take her food shopping, do something fun in her new city, hang out in her apartment, take her out to dinner and brunch, etc. Then the next month she’d come home for a weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thinking of a 22 YO who died this week and wondering if you understand how lucky you are. Maybe try to feel the gratitude and joy more than the sadness?

This is an unnecessary guilt trip. Let OP have her feelings about this…they genuine and valid.

[Anonymous]

OP, kids are not really launched ... they are going to be back during another lockdown, they are going to be back because they will go to grad school, they will be back when they have kids and will need childcare...

It is an illusion. They will do partial launching and will keep boomeranging back. The rest of the world calls it normal life.