I made a huge mistake. Never should have Married DH. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wasn't trying to go into a lot of details but I guess I have to in order to justify my feelings and frustrations. Here you go.
Dh was first in family to have kids. Enmeshed codependent dynamic. MIL encourages it. FIL passed away years ago.
I was to be induced, and we let both sides of family know that they could come over to meet baby a day or 2 after we got settled at home. Pre-covid baby.
Siblings messaged me angrily asking why they and MIL were not allowed to camp out in hospital and be there when baby born. "How can you all do this to us and mom?"
DH lost his spine (strike 1) and asked if I would reconsider. I said no.
We got home from hospital, i had c section, we reached out to family and let them know they were welcome anytime.
MIL and siblings said they were busy and asked if we could bring the 6 day old baby to their homes.
We said no. DH muttered something under his breath "if you had just let them come to the hospital this wouldn't be happening."
Theme- i should just go along with what his family wants, despite my own preferences or wishes.
A few days go by, they still had not come over. Until....DH told them that my parents were driving up from out of state. SUddenly they rushed over. They live 15 min away.
They showed up empty handed which I found strange. Not a card, balloon, teddy bear, etc. We asked them if they wanted to hold her. They all said no.
DH had to run to CVS to get a rx for me. While alone with all of them, MIL asked me what was for dinner. Recovering from a section, pumping, nursing. She asked me what the dinner plan was.
I told her it would be super helpful if she could call in or coordinate some take out since I had my hands full. She laughed, thinking I was joking. She then asked to see the menu "from wherever you order from so I can place a to go order for myself."
I could not make this up if I tried.
Dh comes back home. Brother asks DH if he can take him to Dulles in the morning for a flight. We live in Shaw. DH said no. MIL chastised DH for not "supporting family" and not helping his brother.
Mercifully, they go home. They did not see the baby for another 3 months. Declined all visits and had reasons why they were n/a.
I commented on the lack of visits- DH blamed me. "You set the tone and pushed everyone away by not allowing them to come to hospital.
Theme- it is never them and what they do. My reaction is the problem not their actions.
FFwd to baptism. We invited everyone and they showed up, as if everything were normal and pretending as if they had only met her once. Raving to family about baby's temperament, personality, looks etc. Strange. Fake.
During baptism lunch, DH walked over to brother with baby and asked someone to take a photo of them. He asked brother to hold niece for the first time. He said no. Back at the table, he commented "jokingly" that it was unfortunate we had a girl, because "it was guaranteed a girl child of ours would be the b word."

In the car on the way home, I declared to DH that I was done. He repeated the refrain- "well maybe if you had not pushed my family away and been a bi$ch to them, none of this would be happening. You made them feel unwelcome and now we are paying the price."

Mental gymnastics that they are saints and I am always the bad  guy. 100% unwilling to see any faults in them. 100% always my fault.

DH lost his spine (strike 1) and asked if I would reconsider. I said no.
OOOH, he *asked* you to *reconsider.*

We said no. DH muttered something under his breath "if you had just let them come to the hospital this wouldn't be happening."
OOOH, he *muttered something.*

They showed up empty handed which I found strange. Not a card, balloon, teddy bear, etc. We asked them if they wanted to hold her. They all said no.
OOOH, they didn't bring a gift or want to hold the baby. WOWWWWW, now it's getting real dead serious.

DH had to run to CVS to get a rx for me. While alone with all of them, MIL asked me what was for dinner. Recovering from a section, pumping, nursing. She asked me what the dinner plan was.
I told her it would be super helpful if she could call in or coordinate some take out since I had my hands full. She laughed, thinking I was joking. She then asked to see the menu "from wherever you order from so I can place a to go order for myself."
So you said no and just ordered a pizza like a normal person?

I could not make this up if I tried.
You should try. You should try to make up more, because none of this is "cut your family off" bad.

Dh comes back home. Brother asks DH if he can take him to Dulles in the morning for a flight. We live in Shaw. DH said no. MIL chastised DH for not "supporting family" and not helping his brother.
OOOH, someone ASKED for something, and DH said no. What a dramatic story.

Mercifully, they go home. They did not see the baby for another 3 months. Declined all visits and had reasons why they were n/a.
Wait, which is it? They're horrible people, or you want them to be around you and your baby more? Pick a lane: which is it?

I commented on the lack of visits- DH blamed me. "You set the tone and pushed everyone away by not allowing them to come to hospital.
Theme- it is never them and what they do. My reaction is the problem not their actions.
Your reaction is PART of the problem. Sounds like they are fairly selfish and clueles...so why are you complaining that they don't come around more often, again? Which is it?


FFwd to baptism. We invited everyone and they showed up, as if everything were normal and pretending as if they had only met her once. Raving to family about baby's temperament, personality, looks etc. Strange. Fake.
So now, when they are doing what you want them to do--show up and fawn--they are "fake." Got it.

During baptism lunch, DH walked over to brother with baby and asked someone to take a photo of them. He asked brother to hold niece for the first time. He said no. Back at the table, he commented "jokingly" that it was unfortunate we had a girl, because "it was guaranteed a girl child of ours would be the b word."
The comment was rude, but not wanting to hold a baby is not rude.

In the car on the way home, I declared to DH that I was done. He repeated the refrain- "well maybe if you had not pushed my family away and been a bi$ch to them, none of this would be happening. You made them feel unwelcome and now we are paying the price."
You have been a b to them. Out of one corner of your mouth, you are complaining that they don't visit/hold baby/bring gifts. But when they do, they are "fake." You go on and on about how horrible they are--so you want them to be around more? PICK A LANE.

Mental gymnastics that they are saints and I am always the bad  guy. 100% unwilling to see any faults in them. 100% always my fault.

You want to talk mental gymnastics? "My ILs are horrible people who treat us badly...AND they don't visit enough! AND when they do visit, they're fake!" There's your mental gymnastics.

DH's family has entered the chat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wasn't trying to go into a lot of details but I guess I have to in order to justify my feelings and frustrations. Here you go.
Dh was first in family to have kids. Enmeshed codependent dynamic. MIL encourages it. FIL passed away years ago.
I was to be induced, and we let both sides of family know that they could come over to meet baby a day or 2 after we got settled at home. Pre-covid baby.
Siblings messaged me angrily asking why they and MIL were not allowed to camp out in hospital and be there when baby born. "How can you all do this to us and mom?"
DH lost his spine (strike 1) and asked if I would reconsider. I said no.
We got home from hospital, i had c section, we reached out to family and let them know they were welcome anytime.
MIL and siblings said they were busy and asked if we could bring the 6 day old baby to their homes.
We said no. DH muttered something under his breath "if you had just let them come to the hospital this wouldn't be happening."
Theme- i should just go along with what his family wants, despite my own preferences or wishes.
A few days go by, they still had not come over. Until....DH told them that my parents were driving up from out of state. SUddenly they rushed over. They live 15 min away.
They showed up empty handed which I found strange. Not a card, balloon, teddy bear, etc. We asked them if they wanted to hold her. They all said no.
DH had to run to CVS to get a rx for me. While alone with all of them, MIL asked me what was for dinner. Recovering from a section, pumping, nursing. She asked me what the dinner plan was.
I told her it would be super helpful if she could call in or coordinate some take out since I had my hands full. She laughed, thinking I was joking. She then asked to see the menu "from wherever you order from so I can place a to go order for myself."
I could not make this up if I tried.
Dh comes back home. Brother asks DH if he can take him to Dulles in the morning for a flight. We live in Shaw. DH said no. MIL chastised DH for not "supporting family" and not helping his brother.
Mercifully, they go home. They did not see the baby for another 3 months. Declined all visits and had reasons why they were n/a.
I commented on the lack of visits- DH blamed me. "You set the tone and pushed everyone away by not allowing them to come to hospital.
Theme- it is never them and what they do. My reaction is the problem not their actions.
FFwd to baptism. We invited everyone and they showed up, as if everything were normal and pretending as if they had only met her once. Raving to family about baby's temperament, personality, looks etc. Strange. Fake.
During baptism lunch, DH walked over to brother with baby and asked someone to take a photo of them. He asked brother to hold niece for the first time. He said no. Back at the table, he commented "jokingly" that it was unfortunate we had a girl, because "it was guaranteed a girl child of ours would be the b word."

In the car on the way home, I declared to DH that I was done. He repeated the refrain- "well maybe if you had not pushed my family away and been a bi$ch to them, none of this would be happening. You made them feel unwelcome and now we are paying the price."

Mental gymnastics that they are saints and I am always the bad  guy. 100% unwilling to see any faults in them. 100% always my fault.

I see that OP believes everything is their fault and her DH is being disloyal to her. That may be true, it is definitely true from her perspective, and some may agree.

What I also see is a DIL who is difficult, quirky, possibly narcissistic, has unrealistic expectations, and whose husband is totally caught in the middle of loving and supporting his own family vs loving and supporting his wife and kids.

OP is not doing anything to help her husband find a middle ground, she is only seeing this from her perspective. When he tries to explain things as he sees them she shuts him down and blames him more.

This does not bode well for the future no matter how you look at it.

[Anonymous]

divorce OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wasn't trying to go into a lot of details but I guess I have to in order to justify my feelings and frustrations. Here you go.
Dh was first in family to have kids. Enmeshed codependent dynamic. MIL encourages it. FIL passed away years ago.
I was to be induced, and we let both sides of family know that they could come over to meet baby a day or 2 after we got settled at home. Pre-covid baby.
Siblings messaged me angrily asking why they and MIL were not allowed to camp out in hospital and be there when baby born. "How can you all do this to us and mom?"
DH lost his spine (strike 1) and asked if I would reconsider. I said no.
We got home from hospital, i had c section, we reached out to family and let them know they were welcome anytime.
MIL and siblings said they were busy and asked if we could bring the 6 day old baby to their homes.
We said no. DH muttered something under his breath "if you had just let them come to the hospital this wouldn't be happening."
Theme- i should just go along with what his family wants, despite my own preferences or wishes.
A few days go by, they still had not come over. Until....DH told them that my parents were driving up from out of state. SUddenly they rushed over. They live 15 min away.
They showed up empty handed which I found strange. Not a card, balloon, teddy bear, etc. We asked them if they wanted to hold her. They all said no.
DH had to run to CVS to get a rx for me. While alone with all of them, MIL asked me what was for dinner. Recovering from a section, pumping, nursing. She asked me what the dinner plan was.
I told her it would be super helpful if she could call in or coordinate some take out since I had my hands full. She laughed, thinking I was joking. She then asked to see the menu "from wherever you order from so I can place a to go order for myself."
I could not make this up if I tried.
Dh comes back home. Brother asks DH if he can take him to Dulles in the morning for a flight. We live in Shaw. DH said no. MIL chastised DH for not "supporting family" and not helping his brother.
Mercifully, they go home. They did not see the baby for another 3 months. Declined all visits and had reasons why they were n/a.
I commented on the lack of visits- DH blamed me. "You set the tone and pushed everyone away by not allowing them to come to hospital.
Theme- it is never them and what they do. My reaction is the problem not their actions.
FFwd to baptism. We invited everyone and they showed up, as if everything were normal and pretending as if they had only met her once. Raving to family about baby's temperament, personality, looks etc. Strange. Fake.
During baptism lunch, DH walked over to brother with baby and asked someone to take a photo of them. He asked brother to hold niece for the first time. He said no. Back at the table, he commented "jokingly" that it was unfortunate we had a girl, because "it was guaranteed a girl child of ours would be the b word."

In the car on the way home, I declared to DH that I was done. He repeated the refrain- "well maybe if you had not pushed my family away and been a bi$ch to them, none of this would be happening. You made them feel unwelcome and now we are paying the price."

Mental gymnastics that they are saints and I am always the bad  guy. 100% unwilling to see any faults in them. 100% always my fault.

DH lost his spine (strike 1) and asked if I would reconsider. I said no.
OOOH, he *asked* you to *reconsider.*

We said no. DH muttered something under his breath "if you had just let them come to the hospital this wouldn't be happening."
OOOH, he *muttered something.*

They showed up empty handed which I found strange. Not a card, balloon, teddy bear, etc. We asked them if they wanted to hold her. They all said no.
OOOH, they didn't bring a gift or want to hold the baby. WOWWWWW, now it's getting real dead serious.

DH had to run to CVS to get a rx for me. While alone with all of them, MIL asked me what was for dinner. Recovering from a section, pumping, nursing. She asked me what the dinner plan was.
I told her it would be super helpful if she could call in or coordinate some take out since I had my hands full. She laughed, thinking I was joking. She then asked to see the menu "from wherever you order from so I can place a to go order for myself."
So you said no and just ordered a pizza like a normal person?

I could not make this up if I tried.
You should try. You should try to make up more, because none of this is "cut your family off" bad.

Dh comes back home. Brother asks DH if he can take him to Dulles in the morning for a flight. We live in Shaw. DH said no. MIL chastised DH for not "supporting family" and not helping his brother.
OOOH, someone ASKED for something, and DH said no. What a dramatic story.

Mercifully, they go home. They did not see the baby for another 3 months. Declined all visits and had reasons why they were n/a.
Wait, which is it? They're horrible people, or you want them to be around you and your baby more? Pick a lane: which is it?

I commented on the lack of visits- DH blamed me. "You set the tone and pushed everyone away by not allowing them to come to hospital.
Theme- it is never them and what they do. My reaction is the problem not their actions.
Your reaction is PART of the problem. Sounds like they are fairly selfish and clueles...so why are you complaining that they don't come around more often, again? Which is it?


FFwd to baptism. We invited everyone and they showed up, as if everything were normal and pretending as if they had only met her once. Raving to family about baby's temperament, personality, looks etc. Strange. Fake.
So now, when they are doing what you want them to do--show up and fawn--they are "fake." Got it.

During baptism lunch, DH walked over to brother with baby and asked someone to take a photo of them. He asked brother to hold niece for the first time. He said no. Back at the table, he commented "jokingly" that it was unfortunate we had a girl, because "it was guaranteed a girl child of ours would be the b word."
The comment was rude, but not wanting to hold a baby is not rude.

In the car on the way home, I declared to DH that I was done. He repeated the refrain- "well maybe if you had not pushed my family away and been a bi$ch to them, none of this would be happening. You made them feel unwelcome and now we are paying the price."
You have been a b to them. Out of one corner of your mouth, you are complaining that they don't visit/hold baby/bring gifts. But when they do, they are "fake." You go on and on about how horrible they are--so you want them to be around more? PICK A LANE.

Mental gymnastics that they are saints and I am always the bad  guy. 100% unwilling to see any faults in them. 100% always my fault.

You want to talk mental gymnastics? "My ILs are horrible people who treat us badly...AND they don't visit enough! AND when they do visit, they're fake!" There's your mental gymnastics.

DH's family has entered the chat

Care to actually try to address that point? Hmm? Care to actually take a stab at it? If my ILs were horrible/rude, I would want to see ***less of them,*** and I wouldn't want them around my baby. I would do cartwheels for every time I didn't have to see them. Heck, my ILs are all-around very nice and fairly unproblematic, and I would still like to see less of them. So please, by all means: take a shot and rationally try to explain to me how OP is justified in thinking they are horrible people, AND wanting them to visit/hold/give gifts more? I would love to see you try to make sense of that. Can you?

[Anonymous]

What is your DH like outside of the dynamic with his family? Is he generally and good husband and a good father? If the answer is yes then you suck it up knowing that his family is going to be a tough spot. You ignore their drama and try to see them as little as possible. Honestly some of your complaints seem pretty standard with large families that just start having a new generation. In a few years when there are lots more babies and your kid is just one of many things will be different.

[Anonymous]

I was expecting something... more.

But sure, your feelings are your feelings. Proceed in whatever way you believe will best serve you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I marched through a field of red flags.
I genuinely hoped that some things would get better.
I turned a blind eye and crossed my fingers to others.
DH will never choose me.
He will never ultimately include me on his team, priority 1, over his family of origin.
He is so enmeshed with his family of origin, unwilling to admit that they have any faults. It is always 0 them 100% me to blame.
A somewhat vague example- he has a distant relationship with his brother. Over the last few years, brother has been slowly cutting off contact with DH and other family members and he does not know why.
Recently, brother has been intentionally rude. Will not answer phone calls, emails or texts from certain people. He Invited their sister and her family to holidays and childrens bday parties but excluded DH and other relatives.
Preceding all of this, brother has been rude to me in the past- often in subtle ways. After an incident at our baby girl's baptism in which brother said he was not interested in interacting with/holding/ touching our new baby (his niece), I told DH, "I am done. I will be civil polite, but I am not interested in a relationship with him beyond that. My newborn child- This is my boundary."
And I have been true to my word. I have not seen brother much in the last few years, but when I have, I am civil, polite, but distant. I will not entertain people who made it a point to actively reject my child.

To my enmeshed DH, boundaries do not exist. He believes that "real families don't do boundaries."
This was a death sentence for me. According to DH, this was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to him.
The problem was not what brother said or did. THe problem was my response. I dared to implement a boundary. I dared to call out bad behavior. I did not follow the family line of staying quiet and just letting brother be a jerk.
He resents me for not engaging in the dysfunction.
This theme comes up often.
He will always look to blame me for my response to a situation, rather than open his eyes to the situation.
I cannot imagine split custody.
I dont know waht ot do.

A man’s preference not to hold a newborn isn’t rude. It’s just preference. I never want to hold other people’s babies either. But will play all day when they are a bit older.

Agree, I never want to hold new babies. Makes me nervous that I'll drop the baby or give it a cold or something. Frankly, I always assume that the mother doesn't want me to hold the baby, so I thought I was good. Now I know that I might be considered ultra rude!

[Anonymous]

I’m floored that no one else sees the power play MIL was running re dinner. Give me a break- asking a woman who just gave birth to make you dinner??
Demanding that they be allowed at the hospital?
BIL saying a female child would be a b word??

This family is a nightmare and DH is keen to take their side over his wife every single time.

[Anonymous]

If these are your worst examples, you are not ready to divorce. You likely need a marriage counselor to help you talk through all this.

If my MIL asked me about dinner, when I just had a baby, I would be annoyed beyond belief. But I wouldn’t cut her off.

Families have different norms about hospital stuff. My husband was surprised when I said I didn’t want family in the waiting room while I gave birth. He acquiesced, but it was very surprising to him. I was shocked when his family all came and sat around the hospital for 8 hours while our kid has brain surgery. It was not helpful to me in the slightest, but it meant a lot to my husband. Neither of us was right or wrong.

It sounds like your husband actually does what you want. But then he takes some jabs at you about it. That isn’t cool and that is what you need to work on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem a bit dramatic OP

More than a bit. She sounds completely histrionic.

World has been labelling anguish of women as histrionics for ages but times have changed, we need to understand the root cause of the reaction.

Yes thank you! And how extreme to call someone this over one reaction. You don’t know the whole of this person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem a bit dramatic OP

More than a bit. She sounds completely histrionic.

World has been labelling anguish of women as histrionics for ages but times have changed, we need to understand the root cause of the reaction.

Yes thank you! And how extreme to call someone this over one reaction. You don’t know the whole of this person.

We only know what OP tells us. If she doesn't want to be judged, she is welcome not to post.

[Anonymous]

Actually, I think OP’s DH made the huge mistake of marrying his mother.

[Anonymous]

Ew. I was definitely dramatic like this after the births of my DC. Hormones can really do a number. As can exhaustion. I really regret it all now. Thank god I have a patient husband. OP, take it from me. It’s not worth it. (Although I never tried to cut people off all together. As a matter of fact, he cut off his mother for a while and I encouraged him to get back in touch. She had been super rude to him, spread untrue rumors about us and tried to break up our marriage. She has mental issues. I knew that). The drama isn’t worth it!

[Anonymous]

You have a baby together. You two need to grow up. His family sounds extreme but it seems you are a handful as well. You two need to work as a team and look out for each other.

[Anonymous]

You two will break your home over this if this continues, they got nothing to lose, you'll survive as well but its going to be your baby's loss. Be patient, see a neutral marital counselor and figure out how to work as a team.