I made a huge mistake. Never should have Married DH. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If these are your worst examples, you are not ready to divorce. You likely need a marriage counselor to help you talk through all this.

If my MIL asked me about dinner, when I just had a baby, I would be annoyed beyond belief. But I wouldn’t cut her off.

Families have different norms about hospital stuff. My husband was surprised when I said I didn’t want family in the waiting room while I gave birth. He acquiesced, but it was very surprising to him. I was shocked when his family all came and sat around the hospital for 8 hours while our kid has brain surgery. It was not helpful to me in the slightest, but it meant a lot to my husband. Neither of us was right or wrong.

It sounds like your husband actually does what you want. But then he takes some jabs at you about it. That isn’t cool and that is what you need to work on.

Op here. You are right. He will generally do what I ask re: his family, but then I will hear about it for years later.
It is also very much communicated to his family that this is what I want, not what WE have decided works for us. He is just the messenger.
He reminded me this week that I was a b to his family, and that it was almost a dealbreaker to him and he contemplated leaving me.
I'm not going to be paraded into the town square for a flogging every year for the rest of our lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If these are your worst examples, you are not ready to divorce. You likely need a marriage counselor to help you talk through all this.

If my MIL asked me about dinner, when I just had a baby, I would be annoyed beyond belief. But I wouldn’t cut her off.

Families have different norms about hospital stuff. My husband was surprised when I said I didn’t want family in the waiting room while I gave birth. He acquiesced, but it was very surprising to him. I was shocked when his family all came and sat around the hospital for 8 hours while our kid has brain surgery. It was not helpful to me in the slightest, but it meant a lot to my husband. Neither of us was right or wrong.

It sounds like your husband actually does what you want. But then he takes some jabs at you about it. That isn’t cool and that is what you need to work on.

Op here. You are right. He will generally do what I ask re: his family, but then I will hear about it for years later.
It is also very much communicated to his family that this is what I want, not what WE have decided works for us. He is just the messenger.
He reminded me this week that I was a b to his family, and that it was almost a dealbreaker to him and he contemplated leaving me.
I'm not going to be paraded into the town square for a flogging every year for the rest of our lives.

Well, the bolded appears to be true, right? After all, you wrote, "He will generally do what I ask re: his family."

[Anonymous]

Other than his mom and brother, what else is a mistake? Honestly that all sounds annoying, but not enough to divorce over. Especially if you don't see them every day or even every week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If these are your worst examples, you are not ready to divorce. You likely need a marriage counselor to help you talk through all this.

If my MIL asked me about dinner, when I just had a baby, I would be annoyed beyond belief. But I wouldn’t cut her off.

Families have different norms about hospital stuff. My husband was surprised when I said I didn’t want family in the waiting room while I gave birth. He acquiesced, but it was very surprising to him. I was shocked when his family all came and sat around the hospital for 8 hours while our kid has brain surgery. It was not helpful to me in the slightest, but it meant a lot to my husband. Neither of us was right or wrong.

It sounds like your husband actually does what you want. But then he takes some jabs at you about it. That isn’t cool and that is what you need to work on.

Op here. You are right. He will generally do what I ask re: his family, but then I will hear about it for years later.
It is also very much communicated to his family that this is what I want, not what WE have decided works for us. He is just the messenger.
He reminded me this week that I was a b to his family, and that it was almost a dealbreaker to him and he contemplated leaving me.
I'm not going to be paraded into the town square for a flogging every year for the rest of our lives.

So you have demands that he doesn't support regarding his family, and that he goes along with only to keep the peace, but then you also want him to take the fall for it with his family? Wowza. If you don't care for his family, or really care about them or what they think, why do you also need him to say it's his idea, too (when it obviously isn't)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Other than his mom and brother, what else is a mistake? Honestly that all sounds annoying, but not enough to divorce over. Especially if you don't see them every day or even every week.

Right, OP started this by talking about a whole field of red flags before they got married, and then her only complaints are around these dust ups starting with the birth of their child.

[Anonymous]

I'm unclear on what type of boundary you want since the brother doesn't seem interested in your baby at all. Are you saying, since you don't want to hold the baby you can't hold the baby? I'm confused. This seems like a bunch of drama for nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand or agree with the posters who are critical of the OP.

You don't let anyone divide your immediate family or reject your infant child.

This is probably based on a difference regarding race, religion, or ethnicity. Discrimination is wrong whether in public or private.

The brother barely has a relationship with the husband per OP, and doesn't seem interested in their baby either so what kind of boundary does she need to create? Sounds like the brother has already created it for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Other than his mom and brother, what else is a mistake? Honestly that all sounds annoying, but not enough to divorce over. Especially if you don't see them every day or even every week.

It's not just about the annoying things. It is the mindset that his family can do no wrong. They always get the benefit of the doubt and I get none.
Boundaries- his words are that families with boundaries are not close families. That is a quote.
The way he treats his family vs mine. My family is consistent and predictably helpful. His is not. A good example of this. My mom has sent us a check every month since birth for our baby- to spend however we see fit. He nods, says nothing, Certainly does not call or text her thank you.
His mom sent one toy and a book. He told me I needed to call her or write a thank you note. Double standards.
Also, he was unemployed/underemployed for a long time. I sent him job posting after job posting. He rejected 99% of them. Said he would rather hold out for a dream job than settle.
By settle, you mean contribute to your family's bills. I lost a lot of respect for him after that. I busted my ass to be the sole provider for almost a year, with a new baby.
Because he didnt want to settle for a job that was not interesting to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If these are your worst examples, you are not ready to divorce. You likely need a marriage counselor to help you talk through all this.

If my MIL asked me about dinner, when I just had a baby, I would be annoyed beyond belief. But I wouldn’t cut her off.

Families have different norms about hospital stuff. My husband was surprised when I said I didn’t want family in the waiting room while I gave birth. He acquiesced, but it was very surprising to him. I was shocked when his family all came and sat around the hospital for 8 hours while our kid has brain surgery. It was not helpful to me in the slightest, but it meant a lot to my husband. Neither of us was right or wrong.

It sounds like your husband actually does what you want. But then he takes some jabs at you about it. That isn’t cool and that is what you need to work on.

Op here. You are right. He will generally do what I ask re: his family, but then I will hear about it for years later.
It is also very much communicated to his family that this is what I want, not what WE have decided works for us. He is just the messenger.
He reminded me this week that I was a b to his family, and that it was almost a dealbreaker to him and he contemplated leaving me.
I'm not going to be paraded into the town square for a flogging every year for the rest of our lives.

So you have demands that he doesn't support regarding his family, and that he goes along with only to keep the peace, but then you also want him to take the fall for it with his family? Wowza. If you don't care for his family, or really care about them or what they think, why do you also need him to say it's his idea, too (when it obviously isn't)?

I think it is important to be a united family front. Especially if its a topic that will be received negatively. For example, Hey mom and siblings, this is what we have decided works for us.
Versus, Hey mom and siblings, this is what Rita says she wants to do, So i'm just letting you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other than his mom and brother, what else is a mistake? Honestly that all sounds annoying, but not enough to divorce over. Especially if you don't see them every day or even every week.

It's not just about the annoying things. It is the mindset that his family can do no wrong. They always get the benefit of the doubt and I get none.
Boundaries- his words are that families with boundaries are not close families. That is a quote.
The way he treats his family vs mine. My family is consistent and predictably helpful. His is not. A good example of this. My mom has sent us a check every month since birth for our baby- to spend however we see fit. He nods, says nothing, Certainly does not call or text her thank you.
His mom sent one toy and a book. He told me I needed to call her or write a thank you note. Double standards.
Also, he was unemployed/underemployed for a long time. I sent him job posting after job posting. He rejected 99% of them. Said he would rather hold out for a dream job than settle.
By settle, you mean contribute to your family's bills. I lost a lot of respect for him after that. I busted my ass to be the sole provider for almost a year, with a new baby.
Because he didnt want to settle for a job that was not interesting to him.

I mean this kindly, but you come off as difficult. At this point you've lost respect for him, and hate his family. It will not get better unless you relax, soften up and actively work on your marriage. Which I don't believe you want to do. I get he's not your ideal husband, but you also are not being his ideal wife. If you've both stood your ground and aren't willing to compromise, then you know what you have to do. To me these are small potatoes, but they obviously mean a lot to you and to your happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m floored that no one else sees the power play MIL was running re dinner. Give me a break- asking a woman who just gave birth to make you dinner??
Demanding that they be allowed at the hospital?
BIL saying a female child would be a b word??

This family is a nightmare and DH is keen to take their side over his wife every single time.

No, DH most certainly did not take their side every single time. Note that MIL *wasn't there for the birth in the hospital.* Yes, she asked; yes, DH asked his wife to reconsider. But ultimately, he accepted his wife's decision. Do you get that?

My ILs can ask me to make dinner or order them dinner until they are blue in the face--that doesn't mean I'm going to do it. Just like OP didn't actually do it. See how that works?

The BIL definitely made a comment that was out of line. I would have asked him to leave. Unclear on what OP did in that situation. I guess she was more hung up on him not holding her baby.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound very dramatic.

Sometimes it's not what we say but how we say it. In your mind you were being calm and polite but who knows how it actually came across.

There has to be more to the story of you and the BIL.

[Anonymous]

As long as you aren't living with his family or supporting them, its not divorce worthy.

If you don't feel respect, admiration and attraction for your husband, that's a bigger issue.

Whatever you do, first make sure you've tried your best to fix things. Early years of parenting are tough, mire so with having to be a sole provider for the family.

Why did you two marry each other and moved forward to produce a baby together? There must be something which attracted you. See if you two can reignite that love and trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If these are your worst examples, you are not ready to divorce. You likely need a marriage counselor to help you talk through all this.

If my MIL asked me about dinner, when I just had a baby, I would be annoyed beyond belief. But I wouldn’t cut her off.

Families have different norms about hospital stuff. My husband was surprised when I said I didn’t want family in the waiting room while I gave birth. He acquiesced, but it was very surprising to him. I was shocked when his family all came and sat around the hospital for 8 hours while our kid has brain surgery. It was not helpful to me in the slightest, but it meant a lot to my husband. Neither of us was right or wrong.

It sounds like your husband actually does what you want. But then he takes some jabs at you about it. That isn’t cool and that is what you need to work on.

Op here. You are right. He will generally do what I ask re: his family, but then I will hear about it for years later.
It is also very much communicated to his family that this is what I want, not what WE have decided works for us. He is just the messenger.
He reminded me this week that I was a b to his family, and that it was almost a dealbreaker to him and he contemplated leaving me.
I'm not going to be paraded into the town square for a flogging every year for the rest of our lives.

If this has been going on for years, you made a huge mistake having a baby with him. Calling you a curse word and threatening to leave you is unacceptable. You need to focus on these things, not the silliness of the brother not holding the baby. And yes, maybe this is irreparable, but you should start with marriage counseling.

[Anonymous]

If you can, move to a low cost of living area, away from the family to fix your marriage without added friction. You can always move back in future.