AITA? DH always makes last minute holiday plans to travel

[Anonymous]

I would refuse to go and I would refuse to let him take the kids. Put your foot down, OP!

[Anonymous]

Don't go, who cares about the presents, the ILs can send them or not.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you go for New Year's instead?

[Anonymous]

What does Santa have to do with not traveling on Christmas eve???

Anyway, just tell them you all have plans and that DH dropped the ball. They will be missed. Better luck next year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Every year he makes promises that this bad communicating won't happen again. And every year, here we are.

I sort of think this is a power struggle between my inlaws and me about who can host. They won't attend our Christmas because it means I'm hosting.

I say this with love, but get.a.backbone. Put your foot down and it won't happen again.

[Anonymous]

This is so weird how no one seems to communicate. What you should do next year is start discussing early on (like in the summer or early fall) and have a direct conversation with your DH and in laws all at once and tell them you won’t be traveling on xyz dates (December 22-26 or whatever days you don’t want to travel) because you want to be at home for Christmas. Then tell them they are welcome to come to spend Christmas w you at your house or if they don’t want to do that then you can come visit them to celebrate w them some other time (a weekend earlier in December?, the week after Christmas/New Years?, early January?) and get those plans set up way in advance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Every year he makes promises that this bad communicating won't happen again. And every year, here we are.

I sort of think this is a power struggle between my inlaws and me about who can host. They won't attend our Christmas because it means I'm hosting.

Or no one actually invited them in a polite time frame so they went ahead and made their own plans. OP you seem to want to be the victim here. If you are, it’s not your in laws who are the bad ones, it’s your Dh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mark your calendar for November 1. Send an email to ILs and copy spouse:

Hi Madge & Bob-
Bill and I are discussing plans for Christmas this year. We’d love for you to spend Christmas Day with us in our home. If that won’t work for you, we’ll be available to come over on the 27th with the kids. Prior to that we have several events planned and won’t be able to come. Again, we’d love to have you in our home with the kids on Christmas.

Sally & Bill

This. This is not hard. Make a plan and stick to it.

Sorry your in-laws are passive aggressive and expect something you can't give them. But it is ok to set boundaries and expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so weird how no one seems to communicate. What you should do next year is start discussing early on (like in the summer or early fall) and have a direct conversation with your DH and in laws all at once and tell them you won’t be traveling on xyz dates (December 22-26 or whatever days you don’t want to travel) because you want to be at home for Christmas. Then tell them they are welcome to come to spend Christmas w you at your house or if they don’t want to do that then you can come visit them to celebrate w them some other time (a weekend earlier in December?, the week after Christmas/New Years?, early January?) and get those plans set up way in advance.

I am 21 years into a marriage where almost none of my husband's family directly communicates. We missed my MIL's 80th birthday this way. Now I check in my my SIL (who also married in) to make sure I'm not missing something major.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Bob from where I’m sitting it seems like you’re avoiding being the crappy son and choosing to be the crappy spouse. Every year you do the same thing and wait. So this year, I’ll be the crappy spouse with you: Take the kids to your parents. I’m staying home to rest, clean and prep for Christmas.”

You have choices here, OP. Take them.

This. Stay at home, get everything ready, and get a break from the kids while dh does all the traveling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Every year he makes promises that this bad communicating won't happen again. And every year, here we are.

I sort of think this is a power struggle between my inlaws and me about who can host. They won't attend our Christmas because it means I'm hosting.

Or no one actually invited them in a polite time frame so they went ahead and made their own plans. OP you seem to want to be the victim here. If you are, it’s not your in laws who are the bad ones, it’s your Dh.

Or…you have reading comprehension problems. OP posted that she reached out to them directly last year at Thanksgiving to invite them. They declined. Then right before Christmas they told son they wanted him to visit with family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you make him invite them? It doesn't seem like you want them to come. He should have not called and then you wouldn't be invited there either.

Drop the rope, OP. Stop trying to engineer a functional family. You don't have one and the best thing is to accept it.

OP here. Because the only options are that they come down here and bring the presents to us or we travel to get the presents. Before we had kids we would travel to my family cross country and then they'd ask and keep asking when we're coming to celebrate Christmas with them. It just never seemed to be an option to not celebrate Christmas. They didn't get that we were only going to celebrate with them every other year.

I do actually want my inlaws to come. I like them. And I wish they'd come see our merry Christmas. It really is festive.

But they don't want to come and you can't make them. So work with the situation you have rather than the one you want.

[Anonymous]

If they don't want to come, they can mail the presents. You can see them at some other non-Christmas time. I also don't travel on the holidays with young kids because it's a pain and it's more relaxing to be at home. Don't re-arrange your schedule and make things more hectic for yourself and the family.

[Anonymous]

I agree that the issue is your fickle and weak-minded DH, not his parents.

Let him go and take the kids. You stay home to prep.

[Anonymous]

My mother would occasionally do this, she'd wait until the last minute, after we had made plans for Christmas and then want us to come and visit and bring the kids.

I would tell her that we already had plans for Christmas, and that I was too busy beforehand to travel, but if she wanted us to come and visit, we'd be glad to visit New Year's weekend. For several years, we celebrated Christmas at home and sometime between the 27th-29th, we would go to my mother's and come back on January 2nd. If she complained, I would just point out that if she wanted us to come earlier, she needed to reach out to us by Thanksgiving at the latest and let us know. Then we could plan around that. But she rarely did.

OP--you need to tell you husband and in-laws the same thing. That they need to let you know before Thanksgiving of any Christmas plans, otherwise, you all can come to see them for New Year's weekend after the fact. December 25th is only a date on the calendar. You can certainly celebrate a 2nd Christmas a few days later. And once Santa has visited, then the kids will understand that the 2nd Christmas gifts are from the grandparents.