AITA? DH always makes last minute holiday plans to travel

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Every year he makes promises that this bad communicating won't happen again. And every year, here we are.

I sort of think this is a power struggle between my inlaws and me about who can host. They won't attend our Christmas because it means I'm hosting.

If I knew this was a pattern every year, I'd change it. I'd be annoyed that DH wasn't calling his parents, but I'd do it rather than putting them in this situation. This sounds like an issue between you and DH that you're blaming on your in laws.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to put down your end of the rope. Your DH will not communicate with his parents in advance on this. Stop expecting him to. The situation is what it is, and now DH can deal with the consequences.

"Sorry, DH, but I need to prep for our Christmas eve and Christmas, so I won't be traveling. Maybe they'll come next year." Done. Let him communicate that to his parents. He can go by himself if he wants, and if you're ok with that, or he can take the kids (again, if you're ok with that). Maaaaaybe actually experiencing the consequences will change his behavior, maybe not. Either way, he's trying to hand you a bag of poop. Don't take it.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you. At the same time, I'm also bewildered by your reaction. If he does this year after year, why would you expect a different outcome this time?

Refuse to go. simple.

Next year, don't wait for him to make plans. You invite your ILs and be done with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel for you. At the same time, I'm also bewildered by your reaction. If he does this year after year, why would you expect a different outcome this time?

Refuse to go. simple.

Next year, don't wait for him to make plans. You invite your ILs and be done with it.

Or accept that they won't be there.

[Anonymous]

How far away are they?

[Anonymous]

Look, I’m as a big a fan of making spouses do their part and deal with their family, but if this happens every year and you don’t want to do it this way, just pick up the phone in October and November and invite them. You make your life as easy as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, I’m as a big a fan of making spouses do their part and deal with their family, but if this happens every year and you don’t want to do it this way, just pick up the phone in October and November and invite them. You make your life as easy as possible.

OP here. I did that last year. I asked them at Thanksgiving. They said "no sorry, but when are you coming to celebrate Christmas with us?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Every year he makes promises that this bad communicating won't happen again. And every year, here we are.

I sort of think this is a power struggle between my inlaws and me about who can host. They won't attend our Christmas because it means I'm hosting.

I’m obviously not party to your convos with in-laws. But it sounds like every year DH leaves them no choice. It’s not necessarily a power struggle where they don’t want to come to your house. They legitimately didn’t know you were hosting this or any other year until the last minute. They’re probably annoyed to be invited on 12/20 every year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, I’m as a big a fan of making spouses do their part and deal with their family, but if this happens every year and you don’t want to do it this way, just pick up the phone in October and November and invite them. You make your life as easy as possible.

OP here. I did that last year. I asked them at Thanksgiving. They said "no sorry, but when are you coming to celebrate Christmas with us?"

There’s your answer. They’re never coming. Oh well. Their loss. Let it go. Enjoy your Christmas at home with your spouse and kids. Send him alone with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, I’m as a big a fan of making spouses do their part and deal with their family, but if this happens every year and you don’t want to do it this way, just pick up the phone in October and November and invite them. You make your life as easy as possible.

OP here. I did that last year. I asked them at Thanksgiving. They said "no sorry, but when are you coming to celebrate Christmas with us?"

"We're not going to travel for Christmas while the kids are young, so not for a while. Would you guys like to come visit later in December?"

They're not going to come to you for Christmas, OP. Better to accept that now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, I’m as a big a fan of making spouses do their part and deal with their family, but if this happens every year and you don’t want to do it this way, just pick up the phone in October and November and invite them. You make your life as easy as possible.

OP here. I did that last year. I asked them at Thanksgiving. They said "no sorry, but when are you coming to celebrate Christmas with us?"

So it worked last year when you communicated earlier? Why didn’t you repeat that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, I’m as a big a fan of making spouses do their part and deal with their family, but if this happens every year and you don’t want to do it this way, just pick up the phone in October and November and invite them. You make your life as easy as possible.

OP here. I did that last year. I asked them at Thanksgiving. They said "no sorry, but when are you coming to celebrate Christmas with us?"

So it worked last year when you communicated earlier? Why didn’t you repeat that?

OP here. No it didn't work. DH made us travel last minute last year too because they wanted to see us and exchange presents.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is a real moron. Everyone knows his parents don't want to travel for Christmas. Everyone knows OP does not want to travel for Christmas. Why does your husband persist in putting everyone in an awkward position at the last minute?

I suspect he has nothing to say to his parents, feels bad at calling at the last minute, and the invite just pops out, with consequences he could have predicted, but didn't. He sounds like a typical ADHD spouse! Except that my ADHD spouse knows I'd kill him if he did that - but he does other completely moronic things, so he's just as bad

In the future, I suggest you IGNORE what your husband tells his parents right before Christmas. It's just performative, it makes him feel like he's doing something, and in the end it's all entirely nonsensical. Paying attention is not worth your valuable time at this time of the year.

[Anonymous]

There's a lot going on here, BUT I don't understand why you can't travel while your kids believe in Santa. That's pretty unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, I’m as a big a fan of making spouses do their part and deal with their family, but if this happens every year and you don’t want to do it this way, just pick up the phone in October and November and invite them. You make your life as easy as possible.

OP here. I did that last year. I asked them at Thanksgiving. They said "no sorry, but when are you coming to celebrate Christmas with us?"

"We're not going to travel for Christmas while the kids are young, so not for a while. Would you guys like to come visit later in December?"

They're not going to come to you for Christmas, OP. Better to accept that now.

Traveling for the holidays with kids is way easier and more fun when they are little. You are setting yourself up if you imply that when they stop believing is when you will start.