AITA? DH always makes last minute holiday plans to travel

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Every year he makes promises that this bad communicating won't happen again. And every year, here we are.

I sort of think this is a power struggle between my inlaws and me about who can host. They won't attend our Christmas because it means I'm hosting.

If I knew this was a pattern every year, I'd change it. I'd be annoyed that DH wasn't calling his parents, but I'd do it rather than putting them in this situation. This sounds like an issue between you and DH that you're blaming on your in laws.

This. If you'd like your in-laws to come, and you know your spouse won't do it in a timely manner, why not invite them yourself? I get that some people divide up family communications this way, but it's not an inflexible law, and it's basically an email or text from you with the details. Stop doing the same thing and expecting different results.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, I’m as a big a fan of making spouses do their part and deal with their family, but if this happens every year and you don’t want to do it this way, just pick up the phone in October and November and invite them. You make your life as easy as possible.

OP here. I did that last year. I asked them at Thanksgiving. They said "no sorry, but when are you coming to celebrate Christmas with us?"

So it worked last year when you communicated earlier? Why didn’t you repeat that?

OP here. No it didn't work. DH made us travel last minute last year too because they wanted to see us and exchange presents.

Oh so you didn’t continue the conversation then? I don’t understand what happened.

In your OP it sounds like the issue is that you don’t want the plans to be made last minute. Now I am not sure. Is the issue that you don’t want to see them at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a lot going on here, BUT I don't understand why you can't travel while your kids believe in Santa. That's pretty unreasonable.

I don't think that's unreasonable. Kids should be able to wake up in their own beds on Christmas morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, I’m as a big a fan of making spouses do their part and deal with their family, but if this happens every year and you don’t want to do it this way, just pick up the phone in October and November and invite them. You make your life as easy as possible.

OP here. I did that last year. I asked them at Thanksgiving. They said "no sorry, but when are you coming to celebrate Christmas with us?"

So it worked last year when you communicated earlier? Why didn’t you repeat that?

OP here. No it didn't work. DH made us travel last minute last year too because they wanted to see us and exchange presents.

Oh so you didn’t continue the conversation then? I don’t understand what happened.

In your OP it sounds like the issue is that you don’t want the plans to be made last minute. Now I am not sure. Is the issue that you don’t want to see them at all?

OP here. No we see them all the time. I invited them for Christmas, they invited us for Christmas. So dh didn't know what to do or which day we should go visit them. And he kept waffling back and forth before finally convincing me to go last minute.

DH is completely on board with us waking up on Christmas at home, he just can't seem to convey that to his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, I’m as a big a fan of making spouses do their part and deal with their family, but if this happens every year and you don’t want to do it this way, just pick up the phone in October and November and invite them. You make your life as easy as possible.

OP here. I did that last year. I asked them at Thanksgiving. They said "no sorry, but when are you coming to celebrate Christmas with us?"

So it worked last year when you communicated earlier? Why didn’t you repeat that?

OP here. No it didn't work. DH made us travel last minute last year too because they wanted to see us and exchange presents.

Oh so you didn’t continue the conversation then? I don’t understand what happened.

In your OP it sounds like the issue is that you don’t want the plans to be made last minute. Now I am not sure. Is the issue that you don’t want to see them at all?

OP here. No we see them all the time. I invited them for Christmas, they invited us for Christmas. So dh didn't know what to do or which day we should go visit them. And he kept waffling back and forth before finally convincing me to go last minute.

DH is completely on board with us waking up on Christmas at home, he just can't seem to convey that to his family.

I don't understand. DH clearly wants to see his family. His family is willing to do a different day instead of Christmas, but would prefer Christmas. At Thanksgiving when you both establish that you're not traveling, pick a date. Understand that while it's annoying that your DH won't pick a date until after you'd rather know, but it's not worth the power struggle. If you need to know earlier then pick a date earlier. Or recognize that your tradition is that you travel a few days before Christmas and make your plans to accommodate that.

[Anonymous]

If you see them all the time, just exchange gifts the next time you see them. Problem solved.

How far away are they? a PP asked but you haven't said.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you invite them. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Mark your calendar for November 1. Send an email to ILs and copy spouse:

Hi Madge & Bob-
Bill and I are discussing plans for Christmas this year. We’d love for you to spend Christmas Day with us in our home. If that won’t work for you, we’ll be available to come over on the 27th with the kids. Prior to that we have several events planned and won’t be able to come. Again, we’d love to have you in our home with the kids on Christmas.

Sally & Bill

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you invite them. Problem solved.

Why can’t you read? Asked and answered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a lot going on here, BUT I don't understand why you can't travel while your kids believe in Santa. That's pretty unreasonable.

This. I suspect your DH doesn’t agree with your Santa rule, would like to visit his own parents for the holidays sometime, and doesn’t have the guts to confront you about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you make him invite them? It doesn't seem like you want them to come. He should have not called and then you wouldn't be invited there either.

Drop the rope, OP. Stop trying to engineer a functional family. You don't have one and the best thing is to accept it.

OP here. Because the only options are that they come down here and bring the presents to us or we travel to get the presents. Before we had kids we would travel to my family cross country and then they'd ask and keep asking when we're coming to celebrate Christmas with them. It just never seemed to be an option to not celebrate Christmas. They didn't get that we were only going to celebrate with them every other year.

I do actually want my inlaws to come. I like them. And I wish they'd come see our merry Christmas. It really is festive.

Who CARES about the presents? You said you see them all the time. They can give the presents another time if they can't be arsed to mail them in a prompt manner. Sounds like they are trying to use presents as a string. So silly. You don't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a lot going on here, BUT I don't understand why you can't travel while your kids believe in Santa. That's pretty unreasonable.

NP. It’s nice for kids to have Christmas in their own house and it’s nice as a parent to be in charge of how you want to celebrate Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a lot going on here, BUT I don't understand why you can't travel while your kids believe in Santa. That's pretty unreasonable.

NP. It’s nice for kids to have Christmas in their own house and it’s nice as a parent to be in charge of how you want to celebrate Christmas.

Clearly what OP thinks is nice is not the same as what her DH thinks is nice.

DH sounds like a pleaser and a wimp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, I’m as a big a fan of making spouses do their part and deal with their family, but if this happens every year and you don’t want to do it this way, just pick up the phone in October and November and invite them. You make your life as easy as possible.

OP here. I did that last year. I asked them at Thanksgiving. They said "no sorry, but when are you coming to celebrate Christmas with us?"

So it worked last year when you communicated earlier? Why didn’t you repeat that?

OP here. No it didn't work. DH made us travel last minute last year too because they wanted to see us and exchange presents.

Oh so you didn’t continue the conversation then? I don’t understand what happened.

In your OP it sounds like the issue is that you don’t want the plans to be made last minute. Now I am not sure. Is the issue that you don’t want to see them at all?

OP here. No we see them all the time. I invited them for Christmas, they invited us for Christmas. So dh didn't know what to do or which day we should go visit them. And he kept waffling back and forth before finally convincing me to go last minute.

DH is completely on board with us waking up on Christmas at home, he just can't seem to convey that to his family.

Are you dealing with elderly parents who cannot travel? If not, have a frank discussion with them. Tell them that you’d love to see them, but that you are busy and cannot come at this time. Then invite them to come visit for a few days after Christmas. If they turn it around on you to go see them, be straightforward. Tell them that doesn’t work for you, so you hope they can make it next year. Your DH clearly cannot handle the task you have given him. It’s ridiculous, but this is really what you need to do. Pick up the phone and call now. If they say something about the presents, tell them they can mail them, donate them, or save them for the next time you see them. Wish them a happy holiday and go about your day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a lot going on here, BUT I don't understand why you can't travel while your kids believe in Santa. That's pretty unreasonable.

NP. It’s nice for kids to have Christmas in their own house and it’s nice as a parent to be in charge of how you want to celebrate Christmas.

PP. I agree, I actually really dislike traveling for holidays! I just don't blame Santa. And I'll manage to travel to see relatives when necessary, since that's important too.