This is the first year in 13 years that I have completely dropped the rope with DH’s family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

That's on your nephew, not his wife.

You are absolutely correct. It’s my nephew who is primarily at fault here. But the reality is that he is working crazy hours and traveling constantly and has little time. His wife has much more flexibility to make these kinds of things happen. She is the stay at home. It is not her “fault”. But the net result is the same. We rarely see them. It’s easy to say the obvious things that she is not responsible. And she isn’t. But it’s the kids that miss out.

You are still blaming the niece? It is plain as day that your nephew does not care that his kids have no relationship with you and your family. He does not care.

If the nephew’s wife is SAH then yes the responsibility really should be hers. It’s sort of part of the deal. If he’s busting his buns to support her and the family she can reach out on his behalf.

Working is the easy part when dealing with young kids, IMO. I'm a working mom who finds weekends watching my toddler far more exhausting than going to the office. If he wants to be close to his own family, it's on him.

Sounds like you shouldn’t have had kids if you find dealing with your toddler so different.

You are being a jerk. NP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maintaining relationships with one's family of origin is not a spouse's responsibility under any circumstances. I never even contemplated picking up a rope when we got married. DH can be as close or as distant from his family as he wants. I support him in his action or inaction. This has never been an issue in our marriage.

Same here. I can’t remember the last time his parents got a Christmas gift. Oh well!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

Why is that the OP’s problem??

Good for you, OP! I did the same when my kids were younger and shocker: my DH didn’t pick up any of the physical or emotional labor. That has, indeed, resulted in a less close relationship with his side of the family but how/why am I supposed to do everything for both sides?!?!

There’s that ridiculous ohrase again - “emotional labor”. Gag! Stop with that nonsense. Maintaining relationships is not “liabor”. I’m not saying you have to put the work into his side of the family but that term you keep using is utter crap.

Since it's so easy, why don't you do it for her then?

My dh doesn't even know if/when we're visiting his parents (who are a 3 hour drive away) over the Christmas holidays. Yes, Christmas is in 6 days. His family could help him by picking up the phone and calling but they won't. He's slammed. I work even longer hours, make more money, and have already planned everything else for our family and kids. No way am I adding to my burden.

Your first comment is just childish. You sound like a toddler.

As for the rest, we’ll then sure. If YOU are carrying the bigger load with money and career, yes HE should do the “emotional labor” more. See how it works? It’s called team work.

So just to be clear, you judge the amount of work someone is doing by the amount of money they make doing it?

I judged YOUR comments on YOUR situation.

OK, first of all, I'm a different poster -- there are more than one of us here who disagree with you.

Second of all, you said:

If YOU are carrying the bigger load with money and career, yes HE should do the “emotional labor” more. See how it works? It’s called team work

I want to know if you mean that money/career = the bigger load.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

That's on your nephew, not his wife.

You are absolutely correct. It’s my nephew who is primarily at fault here. But the reality is that he is working crazy hours and traveling constantly and has little time. His wife has much more flexibility to make these kinds of things happen. She is the stay at home. It is not her “fault”. But the net result is the same. We rarely see them. It’s easy to say the obvious things that she is not responsible. And she isn’t. But it’s the kids that miss out.

You are still blaming the niece? It is plain as day that your nephew does not care that his kids have no relationship with you and your family. He does not care.

Unfortunately, that’s the conclusion that we have all reached over time. We are not a priority. My other nieces and nephews make much more effort. And like many things in life, you get out of it what you put into it.

My kids are older - in their twenties and it gives me great comfort to know that there are other people in this world who care about them and would help them if needed. I do not have any extended family. (All murdered in the holocaust). And I can see how my kids have a sense of belonging that I never had growing up. Fortunately, my husband’s extended family has been very kind to my kids. I think my nephew (and his wife) are making a big mistake.

You need to let go of your obsession with this niece and be glad for the attention of the others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

Why is that the OP’s problem??

Good for you, OP! I did the same when my kids were younger and shocker: my DH didn’t pick up any of the physical or emotional labor. That has, indeed, resulted in a less close relationship with his side of the family but how/why am I supposed to do everything for both sides?!?!

There’s that ridiculous ohrase again - “emotional labor”. Gag! Stop with that nonsense. Maintaining relationships is not “liabor”. I’m not saying you have to put the work into his side of the family but that term you keep using is utter crap.

Since it's so easy, why don't you do it for her then?

My dh doesn't even know if/when we're visiting his parents (who are a 3 hour drive away) over the Christmas holidays. Yes, Christmas is in 6 days. His family could help him by picking up the phone and calling but they won't. He's slammed. I work even longer hours, make more money, and have already planned everything else for our family and kids. No way am I adding to my burden.

Your first comment is just childish. You sound like a toddler.

As for the rest, we’ll then sure. If YOU are carrying the bigger load with money and career, yes HE should do the “emotional labor” more. See how it works? It’s called team work.

No, it's a good point. Why don't you do it, if it's absolutely no labor at all?

Well in my family I do. And no, it’s a stupid point. How is it you’re the bread winner if you’re this dumb?

DP. You are very focused on money. I assume you’re doing all this work to stay close to the in laws because you see a big pay day coming your way. Some of us aren’t so focused on cashing out on our families.

Nope. Focused on helping my DH out when he works so hard for us. What “pay day” would there be? They have zero money. I just don’t think it’s all that hard to help out when I’m the one focused on the more domestic side of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

Why is that the OP’s problem??

Good for you, OP! I did the same when my kids were younger and shocker: my DH didn’t pick up any of the physical or emotional labor. That has, indeed, resulted in a less close relationship with his side of the family but how/why am I supposed to do everything for both sides?!?!

There’s that ridiculous ohrase again - “emotional labor”. Gag! Stop with that nonsense. Maintaining relationships is not “liabor”. I’m not saying you have to put the work into his side of the family but that term you keep using is utter crap.

Since it's so easy, why don't you do it for her then?

My dh doesn't even know if/when we're visiting his parents (who are a 3 hour drive away) over the Christmas holidays. Yes, Christmas is in 6 days. His family could help him by picking up the phone and calling but they won't. He's slammed. I work even longer hours, make more money, and have already planned everything else for our family and kids. No way am I adding to my burden.

Your first comment is just childish. You sound like a toddler.

As for the rest, we’ll then sure. If YOU are carrying the bigger load with money and career, yes HE should do the “emotional labor” more. See how it works? It’s called team work.

No, it's a good point. Why don't you do it, if it's absolutely no labor at all?

Well in my family I do. And no, it’s a stupid point. How is it you’re the bread winner if you’re this dumb?

DP. You are very focused on money. I assume you’re doing all this work to stay close to the in laws because you see a big pay day coming your way. Some of us aren’t so focused on cashing out on our families.

Nope. Focused on helping my DH out when he works so hard for us. What “pay day” would there be? They have zero money. I just don’t think it’s all that hard to help out when I’m the one focused on the more domestic side of the family.

Good for you. Why do you think your niece should be "focused the domestic side of the family" that relates to your family, not hers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

Why is that the OP’s problem??

Good for you, OP! I did the same when my kids were younger and shocker: my DH didn’t pick up any of the physical or emotional labor. That has, indeed, resulted in a less close relationship with his side of the family but how/why am I supposed to do everything for both sides?!?!

There’s that ridiculous ohrase again - “emotional labor”. Gag! Stop with that nonsense. Maintaining relationships is not “liabor”. I’m not saying you have to put the work into his side of the family but that term you keep using is utter crap.

Since it's so easy, why don't you do it for her then?

My dh doesn't even know if/when we're visiting his parents (who are a 3 hour drive away) over the Christmas holidays. Yes, Christmas is in 6 days. His family could help him by picking up the phone and calling but they won't. He's slammed. I work even longer hours, make more money, and have already planned everything else for our family and kids. No way am I adding to my burden.

Your first comment is just childish. You sound like a toddler.

As for the rest, we’ll then sure. If YOU are carrying the bigger load with money and career, yes HE should do the “emotional labor” more. See how it works? It’s called team work.

PP here. I completely disagree. No matter how much money someone makes or doesn't make, they should only have to manage their own extended family. Why should a wife have to manage her husband's family? I don't know of any man who completely manages his wife's family.

+1. We need to train our sons and husbands to take over these responsibilities now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

Why is that the OP’s problem??

Good for you, OP! I did the same when my kids were younger and shocker: my DH didn’t pick up any of the physical or emotional labor. That has, indeed, resulted in a less close relationship with his side of the family but how/why am I supposed to do everything for both sides?!?!

There’s that ridiculous ohrase again - “emotional labor”. Gag! Stop with that nonsense. Maintaining relationships is not “liabor”. I’m not saying you have to put the work into his side of the family but that term you keep using is utter crap.

Since it's so easy, why don't you do it for her then?

My dh doesn't even know if/when we're visiting his parents (who are a 3 hour drive away) over the Christmas holidays. Yes, Christmas is in 6 days. His family could help him by picking up the phone and calling but they won't. He's slammed. I work even longer hours, make more money, and have already planned everything else for our family and kids. No way am I adding to my burden.

Your first comment is just childish. You sound like a toddler.

As for the rest, we’ll then sure. If YOU are carrying the bigger load with money and career, yes HE should do the “emotional labor” more. See how it works? It’s called team work.

So just to be clear, you judge the amount of work someone is doing by the amount of money they make doing it?

I judged YOUR comments on YOUR situation.

OK, first of all, I'm a different poster -- there are more than one of us here who disagree with you.

Second of all, you said:

If YOU are carrying the bigger load with money and career, yes HE should do the “emotional labor” more. See how it works? It’s called team work

I want to know if you mean that money/career = the bigger load.

It says “bigger load with money and career”. The indication is that if there is a SAH partner, that partner should take on more of the domestic duties of which “emotional labor” tends to traditionally fall under. That division of the family responsibilities - one partner more career/money, the other more domestic- is as old as time. No where did I say that money/ career =the bigger load of the responsibilities. That was what YOU read into it. What YOU wanted to see. The work is pretty evenly divided. And that division of labor obviously looks different when both partners are working. I am only commenting on the SAH partner situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

Why is that the OP’s problem??

Good for you, OP! I did the same when my kids were younger and shocker: my DH didn’t pick up any of the physical or emotional labor. That has, indeed, resulted in a less close relationship with his side of the family but how/why am I supposed to do everything for both sides?!?!

There’s that ridiculous ohrase again - “emotional labor”. Gag! Stop with that nonsense. Maintaining relationships is not “liabor”. I’m not saying you have to put the work into his side of the family but that term you keep using is utter crap.

Since it's so easy, why don't you do it for her then?

My dh doesn't even know if/when we're visiting his parents (who are a 3 hour drive away) over the Christmas holidays. Yes, Christmas is in 6 days. His family could help him by picking up the phone and calling but they won't. He's slammed. I work even longer hours, make more money, and have already planned everything else for our family and kids. No way am I adding to my burden.

Your first comment is just childish. You sound like a toddler.

As for the rest, we’ll then sure. If YOU are carrying the bigger load with money and career, yes HE should do the “emotional labor” more. See how it works? It’s called team work.

No, it's a good point. Why don't you do it, if it's absolutely no labor at all?

Well in my family I do. And no, it’s a stupid point. How is it you’re the bread winner if you’re this dumb?

DP. You are very focused on money. I assume you’re doing all this work to stay close to the in laws because you see a big pay day coming your way. Some of us aren’t so focused on cashing out on our families.

Nope. Focused on helping my DH out when he works so hard for us. What “pay day” would there be? They have zero money. I just don’t think it’s all that hard to help out when I’m the one focused on the more domestic side of the family.

Good for you. Why do you think your niece should be "focused the domestic side of the family" that relates to your family, not hers?

I don’t have a niece.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

That's on your nephew, not his wife.

You are absolutely correct. It’s my nephew who is primarily at fault here. But the reality is that he is working crazy hours and traveling constantly and has little time. His wife has much more flexibility to make these kinds of things happen. She is the stay at home. It is not her “fault”. But the net result is the same. We rarely see them. It’s easy to say the obvious things that she is not responsible. And she isn’t. But it’s the kids that miss out.

You are still blaming the niece? It is plain as day that your nephew does not care that his kids have no relationship with you and your family. He does not care.

If the nephew’s wife is SAH then yes the responsibility really should be hers. It’s sort of part of the deal. If he’s busting his buns to support her and the family she can reach out on his behalf.

DP here. I really don't care how many hours he works. If his family is difficult, HE gets to deal with them, gifts included.

Nope sorry. That’s not how it works if you are the SAH. Unless they are pure evil or something. Giving them some gift ideas really isn’t the “emotional labor” you think it is.

It “works” any way the couple decides it works. There’s no one standardized job description for SAHM. Are you really so simple that you believe everyone thinks like you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

Why is that the OP’s problem??

Good for you, OP! I did the same when my kids were younger and shocker: my DH didn’t pick up any of the physical or emotional labor. That has, indeed, resulted in a less close relationship with his side of the family but how/why am I supposed to do everything for both sides?!?!

There’s that ridiculous ohrase again - “emotional labor”. Gag! Stop with that nonsense. Maintaining relationships is not “liabor”. I’m not saying you have to put the work into his side of the family but that term you keep using is utter crap.

Since it's so easy, why don't you do it for her then?

My dh doesn't even know if/when we're visiting his parents (who are a 3 hour drive away) over the Christmas holidays. Yes, Christmas is in 6 days. His family could help him by picking up the phone and calling but they won't. He's slammed. I work even longer hours, make more money, and have already planned everything else for our family and kids. No way am I adding to my burden.

Your first comment is just childish. You sound like a toddler.

As for the rest, we’ll then sure. If YOU are carrying the bigger load with money and career, yes HE should do the “emotional labor” more. See how it works? It’s called team work.

So just to be clear, you judge the amount of work someone is doing by the amount of money they make doing it?

I judged YOUR comments on YOUR situation.

OK, first of all, I'm a different poster -- there are more than one of us here who disagree with you.

Second of all, you said:

If YOU are carrying the bigger load with money and career, yes HE should do the “emotional labor” more. See how it works? It’s called team work

I want to know if you mean that money/career = the bigger load.

It says “bigger load with money and career”. The indication is that if there is a SAH partner, that partner should take on more of the domestic duties of which “emotional labor” tends to traditionally fall under. That division of the family responsibilities - one partner more career/money, the other more domestic- is as old as time. No where did I say that money/ career =the bigger load of the responsibilities. That was what YOU read into it. What YOU wanted to see. The work is pretty evenly divided. And that division of labor obviously looks different when both partners are working. I am only commenting on the SAH partner situation.

It's weird that you think you get to decide how a family with a SAHP divides up the labor. Do you also have strong feelings on who does the taxes or mows the lawn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maintaining relationships with one's family of origin is not a spouse's responsibility under any circumstances. I never even contemplated picking up a rope when we got married. DH can be as close or as distant from his family as he wants. I support him in his action or inaction. This has never been an issue in our marriage.

Well goody two shoes for you.

Yes, she is better than you. She is an emotionally healthy woman who advocates for herself. You are an envious twit who is miserable, and wants every other woman to be miserable as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

That's on your nephew, not his wife.

You are absolutely correct. It’s my nephew who is primarily at fault here. But the reality is that he is working crazy hours and traveling constantly and has little time. His wife has much more flexibility to make these kinds of things happen. She is the stay at home. It is not her “fault”. But the net result is the same. We rarely see them. It’s easy to say the obvious things that she is not responsible. And she isn’t. But it’s the kids that miss out.

You are still blaming the niece? It is plain as day that your nephew does not care that his kids have no relationship with you and your family. He does not care.

If the nephew’s wife is SAH then yes the responsibility really should be hers. It’s sort of part of the deal. If he’s busting his buns to support her and the family she can reach out on his behalf.

DP here. I really don't care how many hours he works. If his family is difficult, HE gets to deal with them, gifts included.

Nope sorry. That’s not how it works if you are the SAH. Unless they are pure evil or something. Giving them some gift ideas really isn’t the “emotional labor” you think it is.

It “works” any way the couple decides it works. There’s no one standardized job description for SAHM. Are you really so simple that you believe everyone thinks like you?

No but you sure do. Someone gives a differing opinion and you all flip out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maintaining relationships with one's family of origin is not a spouse's responsibility under any circumstances. I never even contemplated picking up a rope when we got married. DH can be as close or as distant from his family as he wants. I support him in his action or inaction. This has never been an issue in our marriage.

Well goody two shoes for you.

Yes, she is better than you. She is an emotionally healthy woman who advocates for herself. You are an envious twit who is miserable, and wants every other woman to be miserable as well.

Assume much? I’m very happy. And so is my marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

That's on your nephew, not his wife.

You are absolutely correct. It’s my nephew who is primarily at fault here. But the reality is that he is working crazy hours and traveling constantly and has little time. His wife has much more flexibility to make these kinds of things happen. She is the stay at home. It is not her “fault”. But the net result is the same. We rarely see them. It’s easy to say the obvious things that she is not responsible. And she isn’t. But it’s the kids that miss out.

You are still blaming the niece? It is plain as day that your nephew does not care that his kids have no relationship with you and your family. He does not care.

If the nephew’s wife is SAH then yes the responsibility really should be hers. It’s sort of part of the deal. If he’s busting his buns to support her and the family she can reach out on his behalf.

DP here. I really don't care how many hours he works. If his family is difficult, HE gets to deal with them, gifts included.

Nope sorry. That’s not how it works if you are the SAH. Unless they are pure evil or something. Giving them some gift ideas really isn’t the “emotional labor” you think it is.

It “works” any way the couple decides it works. There’s no one standardized job description for SAHM. Are you really so simple that you believe everyone thinks like you?

No but you sure do. Someone gives a differing opinion and you all flip out.

Honestly, you're the one who seems to be wigging out that a bunch of people disagree with you. If you can't handle that, don't post on a message board.